Looking Back

Anirudh and Bondita were both in pain. Each of them was hurt by the words and actions of the past of one another. But something was stopping them from talking or in their case confronting each other.

Bondita because of his words about her liaison with Uday and Anirudh due to Bondita's words that seemed so stupid and hurtful to him. Her accusing him of being in love with Mqnorama had cut him deeply.

Anirudh was on the terrace, trying to not go into his study. Because the study somehow also reminded him of her, of their argument. He wanted to make Bondita's words about him and Manorama disappear from his mind.

But was unable to do so.

As he looked up at the sky and saw the sun rising in the horizon, leaving a red and orange hue in it's wake. The colour reminded him of his current miseries only. The bright colours were somehow mocking him.

"Dada, are you okay? Why are you here on the terrace?"-Anirudh flinched in surprise and turned to look at the person behind him.

To his surprise, he saw his least troublemaker brother, Somnath.

The brother, who never approached him much, who he believed had the same orthodoxy as his uncle but hated polygamy at the same time. The one, who often stood in the shadows of his brilliant older brother.

"Aree Som, what are you doing here so early in the morning?"-Somnath didn't answer his elder brother and just kept looking unimpressively at him hoping to get the answer out of his stubborn brother.

It was a trick he had learned recently to make his obnoxious patients take their prescribed medicine without wasting hours lecturing them.

Anirudh felt himself squirming under his brother's scrutiny. He felt like a silly child facing his inquisitor. He for once felt as if he had gone back to his London days.

"Woh Som, I was just....."-Anirudh found himself unable to complete his words. He felt his throat clogging up with emotions that were threatening to erupt.

Anirudh hugged Somnath with such ferocity that he almost staggered backwards.

It was a hug of emotional outbursts and a hug of tears.

Anirudh felt his tears dropping on the shoulders of Somnath's kurta but didn't make any effort to stop the tears.

Somnath felt himself stiffening a bit at the sudden display of affection by his brother. He always held the belief that his brother was a person, who didn't need anyone to lean on. He was a superhuman with an iron heart.

It was breaking Somnath's heart to see his idol cry but somewhere deep in his heart, he knew it was a long time coming.

He just held Anirudh for a long time. Being a shield for his older brother.

It took Anirudh a bit of time before he gathered himself up.

He slowly detangled himself from his younger brother's hold and just stood there rigidly. Probably embarrassed or probably not used to being so vulnerable in front of his younger brother.

"Dada......"-Somnath said very cautiously as if addressing a scared child.

"Can you please tell me what happened?"-Anirudh at his question became stone cold as if afraid to recollect the words exchanged the night before.

"I won't tell anyone Dada. Not even kaka. Has something happened with boudi?"-his question made him share everything.

As if, it was a cleansing ritual for him. That purified him.

"Somnath, am I a bad husband to my bondita? Did I fail in my quest to illuminate her? I don't deserve to be her teacher Somu, she hates me... Hates me Som...."-he recoiled at his brother's word for his boudi to hate him seemed like a bit of an overstatement.

Surely, Anirudh's 2nd marriage had made things worse but the aftermath had seemed like a reconciliation.

But it seemed that he was wrong.

"Dada you must be wrong. Boudi can't hate you. She idolises you."-Anirudh bitterly chuckled at his words as the irony of it didn't escape his notice.

His Bondita, his star and his sunshine hated him more than anything else on this planet. She barely tolerated him and his sindoor and shakha Pola.

"Som, she still thinks that I am pitying her. She thinks of me as a bastard who still considers her as a burden and as a responsibility. She thinks of herself as the black mark of my life. Bondita wants to go away from me, far far away...She feels miserable with me."-Som felt his worst fear come true at his words.

Bondita boudi still felt the same way as she did back then. She felt responsible for ruining his dada's life.

He at some point had felt the same but time and people had made him see the difference.

"Som, my sins are coming home to roost. I had thrown bondita to the wolves with my actions and infatuation. I expected a child to understand and defend her mind against people of our poisonous society. I had expected her to not get brainwashed by people like our kaka and our neighbours but the truth is, I didn't even stop for a second to talk with her. To make her understand that she should not let them talk her into 'Patni Dharam' (Wifely Duties). It's my fault that she thinks of herself as this charity of the great Anirudh Roy Chowdhury. She thinks that I still have feelings for Manorama. She still feels like a second choice for me only...What have I done to that innocent one, Som? What have I done?"-he felt his voice get choked up as he felt the past, fast forwarding itself.

"Dada, do you know that dwelling in the past and thinking of the future only stops you from healing yourself and enjoying your present? If you constantly look back on your mistakes then you can never be happy. Dada, even before boudi vocalised her feeling about Manorama, you were living in the guilt of marrying her. There is a part of you that never stopped hating your self and you somehow hold Manorama as this reason for everything. No matter how much you try to say otherwise. You haven't forgiven yourself dada."-Som gave Anirudh a shut-up look as he tried to object to his words.

"As a child, we often agree to everything and cover up our hurt with a smile. We try to ignore our pain as a child but we never succeed to make them go away. As a result, they come back like a cyclone and make our past wounds start bleeding again like a fresh wound. Boudi probably has forgiven you in her heart but she is afraid of you and scared to make a decision that can make her happy with you. She probably hates herself for interfering in your life. Becoming your wife. Dada, don't approach her before you understand what your exact feelings are."-Anirudh got a sense of clarity from his little brother.

The idea of her being afraid of the past repeating itself never crossed his mind. But this perspective gave him an idea to calm his raging heart down.

"Dada, go and take a much-needed nap in the study. You need to take your time before doing anything"-Anirudh didn't even argue with Somnath before following his orders.

Bondita had put on her mask of being a perfect zamindarni. She worked and interacted with everyone as she always did.

No one could see the fatigue of having a sleepless night on her face. She had been trying to make herself believe that the conversation or rather the argument didn't happen. The bitter words weren't exchanged.

The heavy and poisonous words weren't uttered by her. The syllables that let him know of her heart's true situation.

"ke bolchen (Who is this)?"-Bihari had picked up the phone and Sumati spoke from the other side.

"Can I speak to Bondita, please?"-it doesn't take him long to recognise the voice of his malkin's mother and he immediately called Bondita over.

"Choti malkin, your mother is on the line"-she took the phone tremblingly.

She tried to talk with her mother very less in the last few years. Avoiding her had become a second nature to her by now. And Sumati saw this as Bondita focusing on her path of education. She failed to see this as her daughter distancing herself from her mother, who had left her in the middle of a treacherous road than making her understand her faults.

"Bolo ma, kichu joruri dorkar (Yes ma, is there anything important you wanted to discuss)?"-she attempted to ask her mother despite of her fragile mental state.

Her mother's each word only served as a reminder of her now bitter past.

A mother, who after Manorama's exit, never brought that topic up. Choosing to act as if it never happened in her life.

Her mother had not even once tried to make her understand everything that was going on. She walked back into her daughter's life like she never did anything wrong or hurtful.

"I'll arrive tomorrow. I need to tell you something about your father's wish for you."-Bondita had gone rigid at her words as the memories of that time flooded into her mind. Her breathing felt foreign to her ears.

And she hadn't even realised, when she had hung up the telephone.

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More than 600 reads are on every chapter but the votes don't match up.

The last chapter's target is still not fulfilled.

5 hours and this is all I could come up with due to my blank mind regarding this story.

Please vote and comment.