Past words of pain

Bondita had been working like a robot all day long. The word father had shaken up her demeanour completely.

It brought the ugly reminder of the past that she didn't want to recall.

She could still vividly remember the smiling face of her father, the charm he used to exude and the way he used to give that little Bondita everything she adamantly asked for.

It brought her the reminder of her home in Krishna Nagar, the home that had been snatched away from her simply because she didn't have her father beside her.

Because, she was born as a girl and not as an heir.

Bondita could recall her father, in his last days sending away letters and making calls to some people furiously. He was in so much hurry those days.

She could recall her parent's hushed voices planning for their new residence. That child in her couldn't understand their desire to leave but now she could understand that it was due to her thakumaa, Kalindi Das.

She tried to forget those memories desperately. She had been able to completely omit them from her mind. Until that fateful day of August.

At that time, Anirudh had left for a case in Rangpur. The death of Manorama wasn't that old yet. It was still fresh in their minds.

Bondita was just coming to terms with the renewed attention of Anirudh. Anirudh was trying to create a new space for him in her life. He wanted to give her the choice of a future of her own, with or without him.

But the selfish side of him wanted him to make an unshakeable place in her heart that could never be broken.

He was just trying to come to terms with his affection for her. The feelings that were devoid of the lust that his Kaka's herb would create. The love that would slowly be expressed to her after her 16th. (Don't bash me but 16 was not considered as young then as it is now).

The type of love that would give her a chance to experience life fully.

"Don't let Batuk eat your tiffin hmm. And don't skip your studies in favour of playing in the aam began (Mango orchard) with him and koyeli."-Anirudh advised a thirteen-year-old Bondita and she nodded hesitantly.

As the teen had not been able to come to terms with the new and attentive, Anirudh Roy Chowdhury.

Anirudh smiled at her hesitation. On one side, he was happy that she was now playing more and more with Batuk and Koyeli and finding excuses to be cheerful on a gloomy day but he didn't want her to skip her studies for that.

"Think ache. Ami cheshta korbo. Kintu Kotha dite parlam na. Amar Bagan e khelte valo lage. (All right. I will try but I can not promise you. I love playing in the orchard.)"-Anirudh smiled at her words as she shared her heart's true wishes with him. And didn't give him a fake promise.

"Ami ashi Bondita. Nijer kheyal rekho Sona moni."-she nodded in agreement but didn't know how to answer his endearment.

Anirudh was about to step out but suddenly decided to look back at his little Bondita and crouched down to her level. Maintaining his eye contact with the teen.

Bondita for a second stiffened as Anirudh very gently hugged her but she gingerly hugged him back.

Anirudh was cursing himself for his impulsive decision but didn't know how to stop himself from this hug.

Bondita chanted "Dugga Dugga"-at his retreating back and went to complete her homework.

The next day, she needed a geography map for her homework as she would need to pinpoint some longitudes.

The only map was in Anirudh's study.

She was already dealing with the guilt of everything. But covering it up with her perfect mask.

Before, all hell broke loose.

She searched the room thoroughly and finally could see it on the top of the shelf. She took a chair to take the rolled world map.

Just as she took the map by standing on a chair, a diary and a stack of letters fell on the floor.

Anirudh had kept those letters to burn later. As they were a part of his past that wasn't connected with him any longer. And he didn't want Bondita to be in any guilt either.

Bondita very curiously took a look at the stack of letters and found them addressed from Anirudh to Saudamini. Her buri didi.

She opened the letters simply due to her curious nature but became numb gazing at the contents of it.

Dear Saudamini,
You are the rainbow of my life. I never knew colours could be so beautiful before I met you. Your innocence and your beauty have bewitched me.

You stood by me after ma's death. In the initial days of adjustment, here in London.

My family members are not that great writers. Your letters have become my source of home away from home.
.................

The letters continued for a long time. The contents were similar to each other. The letters continued until the month before Bondita's wedding day with him.

Bondita didn't care much for the letters as it happened before her marriage. She had already understood the gravity of the situation and felt terrible for the two young souls.

Anirudh's kranti had became Saudamini's start of self destruction.

Something Bondita nowadays couldn't forgive herself for.

Then she came across the letter from her start of marriage days. The letter that proved the agony of Anirudh. That her innocent kind couldn't grasp then.

Mini,
Today was the day, I would have confessed to you about my love for you. I had prepared the swing for you with flowers as pure as you.

But I had to get married to that little soul to save her from the fires of sati.

I am so sorry mini but this marriage is only for protecting her and I promise, as soon as she is of age, I'll free both of us and make my way to you.

.........................
The letter had spoken far more words than Anirudh had ever been able to.

Anirudh was in possession of both of the letter stacks, which Bondita had got her hands on.

Bondita sat with a thud on the chair with tears in her eyes. And felt her heart breaking for her buri didi. She could never place her buri didi of the early days with the didi of Heera Mandi days.

She now could understand why. The reason, why the charming girl from Anirudh's letters turned into a criminal.

It was love. Love had turned her cruel.

Kakasasur ji was right. Love truly had the power to turn you into anything.

Her feeling of guilt had multiplied by now.

Bondita had sat there for a long time before deciding to keep the letters back at their original place. She didn't want to make Anirudh feel obligated to destroy his letters for her comfort.

She had already destroyed his life.

The diary had also fallen from the top that she had forgotten about until now.

She looked at it and bent down to grasp it. Her mind was telling her to stop herself from looking at it and further break her heart but her curiosity had overtook her entire self and she had gingerly opened the diary.

She looked at the entries and learned about a young Anirudh's thoughts about his return to Bharat, his feelings from the early days of their marriage and his agony of seeing her go through the seven hells to become his 'True Wife'.

She bursted into tears of pain and hatred after reading about his meetings with Manorama. And about his development of feelings.

Her proposal of getting married for her sake, to him contemplating the idea of it. Bondita read every single syllable and made herself feel more disgusted by her own existence.

Her life was starting to feel like a curse for her at that moment but she loved the people in her life too much to give everything up.

She forgot Anirudh's affection for her. His teras of self hatred and his redemption completely.

She didn't realise, how much time has passed before she arranged the heartbreaking letters back to their rightful place and exited the library.

She had cried that day for hours and had developed a terrible headache over it. She had lied to everyone of having extra school work to skip her meals even.

That night, her pillows were soaked with tears and her mind made up of a new promise and a determination.

She had avoided Anirudh's calls to an extent with the excuse of doing her homework and sleeping early. But when those excuses had failed after a while, she had simply talked to him for as less as she could.

Her mind was made up to leave after reaching her majority and free Anirudh from bearing her burdensome self for life.

Unknown to it all, Anirudh was buying gifts from Rangpur for her.

***********************
This chapter is unedited.

I am heavily sick from a week and delaying my updates but this is me trying to make up for it.

Do vote if you like it and comment as well.

I just wanted to show a glimpse of the past unfolding in front of you all.