Kat squeezed her eyes shut as she put the car into park. She sat in the parking lot outside of her workplace, her fingers tightly squeezing the steering wheel. A quiet sigh escaped her, and she opened her eyes again, willing herself to get out of the car and put on the brave face she always did when around coworkers and others who knew nothing of her home life. That was pretty much everyone but Felix.

Opening the door, she grabbed her purse and walked to the sidewalk, her heels clopping on the pavement. I will not let them see what has become of my marriage. I will not let them see me fall apart because of this. Lifting her chin, she strode to the front door and went in, steeling herself for a long day and a lot of forced smiles.

***

"So... How are things with Felix? Are you two holding up okay?"

Kat glanced at her co-worker, Gemima. She smiled wanly. "Oh, we're doing okay, I suppose."

Gemima crossed her arms and leaned against the doorframe of Kat's office. "Liar."

Sighing, Kat waved for her to shut the door. Gemima did so and sat down in the chair in front of Kat's wide desk. "You won't let this drop?"

"No. Something's clearly not right, Kat. Is he hitting you?"

"What? No!" Kat's eyes widened. "He would never, ever do that." He might ignore me, sleep with other women, and hate my guts, but he'd never abuse me. Felix's not that kind of person.

"Okay... So what's wrong?"

Kat sighed and ran her fingers through her dark hair. Tugging on a few straight strands, she said, "He's mad at me. For losing the baby... He thinks I'm to blame for losing her because I worked too much and stressed myself even after the doctor warned me I'd lose the baby if I did."

"He blames you? From what you've said before, it sounds like he never helped you out when you got home. How were you supposed to avoid stressing yourself out if he was always off doing things, working, or lazing around watching TV while you worked?" Gemima asked, her eyes narrowing.

"Well... He feels partially to blame, I think..."

"But he's taking it out on you?"

"Yeah... Worst part is, I think he's right," Kat admitted, looking down at the oak surface of her desk with blurred vision. She bit her lip, unable to meet her co-worker's gaze.

"He's not. Nothing you changed would've saved her, Kat. You did your best. If he can't see that, maybe you should just leave."

"I can't," Kat mumbled.

"Why not? You're able to make enough money to be independent."

"That isn't it... I still don't want to give up. I still love him."

"Trust me, girl. A few months of being single, and you'll be glad to forget that jerk."

Is this the kind of mess that results from ignoring those who are older and wiser? Kat wondered. Is this what I get for defying my parents? No... There is no God. There is no such thing as divine intervention or guidance. It's all about your choices. I made mine. Now I've got to figure out what to do now that the decision isn't turning out like I hoped it would.

"Kat? Are you paying any attention to me?" Gemima asked, waving a hand in front of her.

"Sorry... I'm not really feeling well. Is Jack around?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I need to go home," Kat said quietly, pushing away from her desk.

"Was it something I said?" Gemima wondered aloud, following Kat out of the office.

"No, Gem... You didn't do anything. I just... need some time to rest. I haven't been sleeping well."

"Oh, okay. Well, today's been pretty slow. Not a lot of people coming in looking for you to design their dream wedding dress." Gemima said, laughing. "I'm sure Jack will be fine with you taking off."

Ironic, isn't it? My own marriage is collapsing around me, and I'm helping other girls plan the biggest day of their lives. She shook her head as she headed for Jack's office behind the dressing rooms. On the way there, she passed by two young women trying on bridesmaids' dresses while another brunette girl tried on a wedding gown. A sad smile flitted over her face as she continued on her way.

Poking her head into Jack's office, she found him sitting at his desk, working on a dress design. "Hey, Jack?"

Jack looked up and smiled at her. "Hey, Kat. What can I do for you?"

"I'm not feeling real great... I think I need to go home."

Concern lit his brown eyes. "You going to be okay?"

"Yeah... I think I just need to rest. Can I go?"

"Yeah, of course! Let me know if you're able to come in Monday, hon... If not, no worries. Gem can cover your place if you need her to." Jack nodded to her. "You just take care of yourself."

"Thanks, Jack. I will." She turned and walked out of the office, shoulders slumping.

***

When Kat pulled into her driveway, she noticed that there was a car parked in the driveway of the house next door and a moving van next to the curb. The house had sold about a month ago after being on the market for two. Getting out of the car, she stood on the driveway next to the grass the two lots shared. Curious, she watched as an older couple came outside and began gathering things from the moving van.

The woman saw her and smiled at Kat, slowly making her way over while her husband kept taking boxes carefully inside. The two looked to be in remarkably good health for their age. Kat crossed her arms, shivering despite the warm summer sunshine. She had a sudden premonition that something was about change. No, that's lunacy. I can't sense what's going to happen in the future because everything is just random chance. Superstitions and God are foolishness made up by those who don't know where else to turn, she thought, biting her lip. Her mind mocked her for that. Kind of like you don't know where to turn now? it whispered.

Kat tensed as the woman drew closer.

"Hello! I'm Mrs. Trenton. As you can see, my husband and I are moving in next door to you. I saw you drive in and thought I should introduce myself." She extended a hand to Kat, who was still standing stiffly on the edge of her driveway.

Kat forced herself to smile and shake the elderly woman's hand. As she did so, she sized the woman up. Her new neighbor was a somewhat short woman with a wrinkled face, which was obviously very accustomed to smiling. Dark brown eyes twinkled from beneath thick gray lashes, and the woman's gray hair was in a bun atop her head. The woman's attire was equally strange to Kat. A long brown skirt fell in neat pleats to the woman's ankles, and a pretty green blouse topped the outfit off. No one she knew wore skirts. Even many Christians she'd seen around town didn't do so.

"Are you okay, dear?" the woman asked, frowning in concern.

Kat blinked and smiled wanly. "I'm sorry... I'm afraid I'm a bit spaced out today. My name's Katarina Alvarez. It's nice to meet you."

Mrs. Trenton looked at her, still seeming concerned. "This may be none of my business, but are you sure you're alright? You seem very troubled and rather depressed..."

Kat pulled her hand from Mrs. Trenton's grasp and shook her head just a little. "I'm fine. Just fine..."

Mrs. Trenton turned to survey the large, beautiful house that she and Felix shared. "You have a very lovely home. Are you married?"

Kat crossed her arms again, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. "Yes... My husband's at work right now."

"Oh, what does he do?" Mrs. Trenton turned back to her with a warm smile.

I don't even know anymore. He's never home; he never talks about work, and he mentions other women just often enough to make me wonder if he's even staying faithful to me. Kat smiled back, trying to keep up a façade of togetherness. "He's an upper level executive in an accounting firm." Or he was last I heard him talk about work. Who knows if he's moved up the ranks since then. He could be the CEO, and I wouldn't know.

"Do you have any children yet?" Mrs. Trenton inquired, still smiling invitingly.

Kat's gaze dropped to the ground, and she fought to swallow down the lump that was suddenly making breathing difficult. Her eyes stung, and her fingernails bit into her arms. "No children."

Mrs. Trenton touched her arm gently. "Dear, what's wrong? Did I say something wrong?"

She swallowed back tears and fought to lift her trembling lips into a smile. It felt like more of a grimace than anything. "No, no... It's fine. I... Uh... I need to go."

"Well, alright. You just drop by anytime if you need something, though, okay? Once we get settled, I'd love to have you and your husband over for dinner sometime."

"T-thank you," Kat stammered, shakily locking her car doors and fleeing up the porch steps. Once she got into the house, she shut the door and locked it. Sinking to the floor, she sat on the doormat and just cried.

There was nothing inside of her but turmoil, agony, and uncertainty. One side of her whispered that there had to be something more to life beyond random chance and suffering. Maybe it was the God her parents believed in? But she didn't like that solution at all. The God her parents believed in was distant and harsh. Their beliefs only ever took; they never gave any comfort. There was never any reason behind the arbitrary rules her parents laid down. There was never an explanation. It was just the way things were to be because the Bible and God had decreed it so.

In practice however, they didn't live these things out. Neither did anyone in the church. They said such grandiose things about love, acceptance, and peace, but none of it bore any true fruit. It didn't affect their lives. They went home after service unchanged and as hypocritical as ever. She had watched this growing up, and she had rejected it. She liked the "things of the world", and she didn't understand why she ought to give them up when the people out in the world were — if not better — at least more honest and sincere than anyone in her church. She had never found that her parents' faith effected their lives in any significant way; they weren't better off because of their beliefs. So she had rejected it.

That brought her to the other side. It was the side that said that, since there was no God and everything happened by chance, there was, therefore, no right or wrong. She'd learned this from her instructors at university after she and Felix were married. They had taught evolution, and Kat had accepted it wholeheartedly because it offered a solution that cut the God she despised so much right out of the picture. The only problem was that this now meant she had no foundation for making Felix stay with her, which was what she so desperately wanted. She had no grounds with which to claim that he was wrong for treating her the way he did. After all, they each were living however they wanted since it didn't really matter what they did. Granted, society imposed dictates upon each human being, and behaviors that society deemed unpalatable would be punished. However, outside of that, there was nothing. There was no standard.

Kat was finding this more and more difficult to cope with. She was gradually beginning to see that if everything in life was up to chance, and it was all about getting everything you could out of life while you were here, then her life was pointless. She was only suffering. There was no joy, and no matter how far she ran, she couldn't escape the gnawing grief inside her soul. She couldn't escape the incredible feeling of loneliness that ate away at her heart. She could never escape the knowledge that she had indeed made the wrong choice. So she clung to this marriage like a raft in a stormy sea because, even if she didn't like the situation, it felt so much more secure than trying to swim for shore. Especially since she didn't even know where the shore was anymore.

A sense of undeniable aimlessness washed over her. She got up, wiping away her tears angrily. The feeling grew inside her as she suddenly realized just how quiet the house was. No noises permeated the stillness. Her fists clenched as the tension inside wound tighter and tighter. The noxious feeling bubbled up inside her. A bitter taste filled her mouth as she thought about how this house used to be filled with laughter as she and Felix spent nights together, playing board games, watching TV, or just doing household chores.

If this is what I have to live for, Kat thought. Then what is the point of living at all? I should just cease to exist. No one would care... Felix certainly wouldn't. Gemima would get along without me.

She wandered toward the medicine cabinet in the kitchen, kicking off her shoes and dropping her purse on the floor as she went. Her fingers closed around the cold metal of the door handle as she pulled open the door. On the bottom shelf beneath plates and other various kitchen utensils, bottles of Tylenol and several prescription drugs seemed to stare her in the face. She contemplated using a knife for a moment. If she cut her wrists, it'd be less likely that she'd be saved.

The thought of all that blood nauseated her though, and she thought that an overdose in Tylenol would be a better way to go. In fact, her sleeping meds would be even better. She could just fall asleep and never wake up that way. Resolved, she reached out and grabbed the yellow plastic container that held her prescription. Fingers shaking, she popped off the lid and dumped half the bottle into her hand. That should be enough, she thought with a grim smile.

Her legs shook as she walked to the sink and got herself a glass of water to take the little blue pills. She had just put the first three into her mouth and was about to swallow when the kitchen door was flung open. A bag was dropped un-sanctimoniously onto her clean white floor, the sound of it hitting ringing loudly in the room. Heavy footfalls sounded behind her, and she turned to see Felix standing there, hands on hips.

"Why are you home?" he asked, glowering at her.

She backed up, her back hitting the kitchen counter. The pills were dissolving bitterly in her mouth as she stayed silently, and the nasty taste covered her tongue. Her fingers closed around the remaining handful of pills as though she could hide her outstretched hand from Felix.

It was too late. His gaze dropped to the round, blue pills in her hands. Eyes narrowing, he met her tear-filled gaze. "What are you doing, Katarina?"

She dropped the pills on the counter, spitting the rest out into the sink as the bitter taste became too much for her. As she rushed past Felix, a sob escaped her, muted as it clawed its way out of her. His hands caught her around the waist, surprisingly gentle given the anger in his voice.

She trembled as he turned her around to face him.

"Katarina Alvarez... What do you think you're doing?"

"Let me go, Felix," she whimpered.

"No. Why did you have so many sleeping pills out? In the middle of the day, no less... And why are you home from work so early?"

She refused to meet his gaze, even after he forced her chin up. Tears slipped down her cheeks. "Why don't you just leave me already? If you don't want me, then just leave, Felix... Stop making me live through the pain of losing our child on top of the grief of watching the man I married give his heart to things and people other than me!"

He let go of her, his jaw clenching as she finally met his gaze. "I married you, didn't I?"

"Yes," she mumbled miserably.

"I may not believe in your God and the sanctity your religion places on marriage, but I do believe in keeping my promises and vows. I made a contract with you when I married you. And I can't in good conscience back out. So too bad, Kat. You're stuck with me." He picked up his suitcase and turned his back on her as he headed up the stairs to their room.