⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺
With you, I found love that I didn’t know existed, and for that, I am eternally grateful.
. ✦ .

Jang-Mi

Waking up this morning, I was a bit relieved to see that Areum was still sleeping. Today being Saturday, she usually sleeps in for as long as she wants to. I was too preoccupied to even check with her if she wanted breakfast. After leaving her some breakfast on the table, I proceeded to meet the healer to get a clarity of things and understand the situation better so that I could at least be at peace with myself.

“I don’t know what happened, but I felt very weird,” I confess to healer Lim, after briefing her about what happened with Yoongi.

“I can understand, Mi,” she exhales deeply, nodding her head a few times. “Let’s talk about this in a moment. Would you please move to this corner, right here?” She rises from her seat and points to one corner of her room where two small seating mats are placed facing one another.

“Okay,” I oblige and move to sit cross-legged on one of the mats.

Healer Lim scuttles around collecting a little oil lamp and a small, round brass bowl along with a palm-sized stick of wood. She sets the collection of items in the space between us and proceeds to occupy the other mat.

While I watch her intently, she lights one end of the stick in the flame of the oil lamp and holds it in a slightly tilted position to allow it to ignite better.

She then shakes out the stick to extinguish the flame. The burnt end of the stick fumes low, emitting a faint whitish smoke. The healer carefully places the stick into the brass bowl with a permanent, warm and calm smile plastered on her face all the time.

Exhaling in a satisfied manner thereafter, her eyes then lift to look at me.

“Jang-Mi, this is a palo santo stick, also known as holy wood. Burning this is believed to purify one’s mind and soul and also in clearing negative energies. It also relieves stress and anxiety and uplifts the mood of a person. So now, I want you to close your eyes, sit with your spine straight and take deep breaths,” she orchestrates her words in a friendly way.

I do as she says, sitting upright and placing my palms on my lap, taking deep breaths with my eyes closed.

“Allow all your muscles to relax, unclench your jaw, let go of the tightness in your chest, loosen your limbs. Relax fully,” her voice lowers to a calming whisper.

I obey her instructions as if they were my commands, and with every word she says, I find myself becoming calmer, lighter, and more collected within my mind.

“Just focus on your breathing, and, when you are ready, open your eyes slowly,” she instructs in a relaxed voice, and I do as she says.

“Jang-Mi,” she begins, “physical consummation of a relationship with mutual consent is an absolutely beautiful thing. And, as adults, you would surely know your limits and expectations as well. But some experiences from the past can always stand in the way and make it hard for us to grow and progress in life. Even though the bad memory associated with sexual intercourse is linked to only one night in the past, it has left you scarred for so many years. But do you think you could go back and change that moment now?” She questions me in a placid voice, slightly leaning forward from her position.

“No,” my voice comes out feeble, and I shake my head lightly.

“Right, you cannot change what has happened in the past. It is true that some rights were infringed and some boundaries were violated that night, and it is also true that it was not resolved. No effort was made to acknowledge the issue, not even with a conflict or an exchange of words. That unhealed wound only kept growing deeper within your mind, fueled wildly by your own overthinking and linking everything to that particular moment in time. I’m not blaming you, but that is how the human mind works at most times. And what happens as a result of all this is an accumulated resentment and pain deep inside you. It eventually manifests in unexpected and unhealthy ways in one’s life,” she speaks clearly and slowly in one long stretch.

I sit here, reflecting deeply upon every word she just spoke, and it hits too close to home.

“I want you to fully understand and grasp that moment. Do not hold it within, and do not hate yourself or Taehyung for it. What happened is wrong by all means, and I’m not here to tell you otherwise. But let go of that heaviness that you are holding on to. Forgive him, even though he has wronged because you are doing it for your own peace and sanity and not for anything or anyone else. Forgive yourself for what happened because, in the end, you need to be able to fully accept and understand and at least say to yourself that ‘this is what went wrong.’ I know it is always easier said, but let go of all the weight you are carrying here,” she points to her heart and then to her temples with both hands. “It will relieve you from so many psychological problems and help you be at peace with yourself. Do not be a victim of your past, and, as the landscape changes, change along with it and enjoy every moment of the present.”

Whatever she said is nothing but the naked truth. It is true that the sour memory from that one night where I had to have sex without my willful consent has been lurking around like a dark shadow at the back of my mind all these years. Even though Taehyung had never physically hurt me in any way, that night still felt like I was embracing a bush of thorns with every part of me.

My immediate feeling was disgust and anger and hatred. Everything between us changed after that night, and my mind kept constantly dwelling on it, feeling utterly guilty and shaming me for giving in like that. But eventually it evolved into self blame where I began telling myself that I wasn’t giving my husband what he needed, and so he had to take it from me forcefully. I scolded myself that it was my behavior that made him do whatever he did, and that it was because of me that he had changed, and our marriage in general had lost its charm.

I wanted to try sometimes, to just let go of everything and go back to being a happy couple. But I just couldn’t do it. I built a wall so strong and high that not even my thoughts could penetrate that wall, and I allowed him to do anything he pleased to do beyond that wall.

I gave up, and clearly did not care anymore.

I ended up leaving him when things went beyond my control, but I could have very well done it when he asked me to lay down when I wasn’t ready for it. Because that was the exact moment when I started losing control of the things that were actually meant to be within my control. Leaving the marriage back then itself could have probably saved me from all this inner hate and resentment, and move on with my life without much trouble.

However, everything aside, just as the healer asked me, do I have a chance now to fix the past?

I do not. All that I have now is my present and the future. So what is the use of lamenting over what happened in the past. It happened, yes. It was wrong, yes. I felt hurt, absolutely. But can any of that be changed now?

I really wish to leave behind everything that is weighing my mind and move on and live happily. And right now, I’m unable to think of anyone or anything other than Yoongi when my thoughts fall upon my present and my future. I want to change with the changing landscape, too. I want to make many happy memories with him, and, holding on to this heaviness is only going to make it harder to achieve that.

I haven’t ever taken time to sit down and reflect upon it this way, but now I know that this is the moment where I’m at the crossroads. I must make a choice to forgive myself and to forgive Taehyung and let go of all the bitterness and stale memories and move on to embark on a journey towards happiness with Yoongi, hand in hand. Or I could choose to just sit around with all this negativity within my mind and forget about finding my happiness, ever.

My eyes lift to look at healer Lim, and the murkiness within my mind vanishes the moment my eyes meet hers. We don’t utter a word to each other, but, within my mind, I have already made my choice.

“You have made a choice, I see,” she speaks as if she can read my mind on my face, but I’m not at all surprised because I’m pretty sure my aura and visage reflect the inner clarity that I feel circulating within myself.

“I have,” my chest puffs out confidently, and I smile at her.

“I’m glad you did. Allow your heart to open up and welcome the love that’s waiting for you with arms wide open,” she emphasizes her words with her arms that fly wide open, and a smile that grows even wider on her face.

“Yes, I will,” I nod my head vigorously, battling a few happy tears that pop up. “Thank you for opening my eyes. You’re truly amazing, and I still can’t believe I found you,” I take her hands in mine and offer my gratitude in the form of a warm handshake.

“Jang-Mi, the human mind always has the power to heal on its own, but sometimes all that it needs is just a little help from others. And that’s exactly what I did,” she squeezes my hands back lightly and chuckles heartily. “But let’s be honest here. I know you’re thanking me because you found Yoongi right here, but I’m not complaining.” Her words are punctuated by a naughty and dramatic wink she sends my way which makes me giggle and blush.

“I don’t think I’ll be fighting you on that,” I withdraw my hands from hers, still chuckling lightly.

The healer then clears the burnt out wood and the other items on the floor, and we both move back to the table after she brings out two cups of warm chamomile tea for us. Shortly after, I leave her office and head back home, feeling like a new person, and I’m not going to deny that I love feeling this way.

My heart suddenly feels like it might explode from all the happiness and love that I feel for Yoongi, and I actually regret not turning up at work today. After what happened yesterday, it did seem a little rude on my part to not show up at work today, but Yoongi did not probe me for an explanation, and he gave me my space, which has, in fact, truly helped me.

Midway home, I make up my mind that I will drop by ‘Sweet Tooth’ and talk to him first. Nothing deep or spiritual, but just a little talk over a cup of coffee to let him know that I’m thinking about him, and that my absence today isn’t anything that would affect us in any way.

I reach the bakery in about twenty minutes, which suddenly seemed too long to me, and I rush in, making no attempt to hide my urgency in meeting him.

Seon-Ho is at the billing counter when I storm in through the front door, and his eyes snap up to look at me; his jaw agape with the suddenness of my appearance.

“Oh, hey! I was shocked for a moment,” he chuckles lightly, watching me trying to catch my breath. “Yoongi hyung is inside,” he points with his thumb toward the kitchen door.

Smiling, I send a small bow his way, which he returns. I then proceed to enter the kitchen when Seon-Ho calls me and stops me.

“Make sure to lock the door, or else you need to buy me bleach for my eyes and probably even for my ears,” he laughs at his statement even before I could react with a sheepish chuckle.

Shaking my head, I push open the door to the kitchen and make sure to lock it behind my back. At the exact moment I step inside, Yoongi enters the kitchen through the back door, pushing the door open with his foot while drying his hands with a towel. He looks a little surprised seeing me, and it’s understandable.

When our eyes found each other, his hands stopped moving, and I’m pretty sure my heart stopped beating. He takes a few steps closer to me, his eyes wandering over to the latch on the door behind me, observing that I have locked it. And then his gaze quickly returns to me.

A faint smirk forms on his lips, but he conceals it with a cute smile as he gets closer to me and puts aside the tea towel on the countertop to my left.

“I thought you wanted a day off?” He raises an eyebrow at me as he closes the gap between our bodies to just about an inch.

“I did, but not anymore,” I answer confidently, staring into his mesmerizing eyes.

“I missed you,” Yoongi admits, wrapping an arm around my waist and tugging our bodies closer; his eyes searching mine for consent and an answer.

“I missed you, too, Yoongi,” I link my arms around his torso and hug him tight, pulling us closer if that’s even possible.

“Jang-Mi,” Yoongi breathes out, fondling the back of my head with one hand and holding me safely in his other hand. “Thank you for coming back to me.” He presses a soft kiss to the top of my head, making me laugh softly.

“What if I had not come back?”

“I would have been at your door. I’m serious,” his voice deepens to a register that makes my skin bristle with excitement, and my stomach flips in place.

The depth of his voice and the way his heart hammers against my eardrum could potentially be detrimental to my coffee date plans. So I push myself off of him and unlink my arms from around his waist, making him appear a little confused and lost.

“Yoongi, I want to ask you something.”

“Ask me anything,” he confirms with a firm nod of his head.

“The coffee here is great, but there’s another place I have in mind. Would you go there with me for a cup of coffee?” I keep my expectant gaze on him when I ask him that, and he blinks for a few seconds with lips slightly parted, before he realizes it.

“Jang-Mi, are you asking me out on a date?” He laughs a little, his gummy smile on full display now.

“I’ll put it that way then. Go on a date with me, Min Yoongi,” I extend a hand in the space between us, and his eyes dip to my hand.

Laughing softly, he places his hand on mine, curling his fingers around my hand and squeezing it gently.

“I wouldn’t want it any other way.” His eyes move back to mine, sparkling with joy like a thousand diamonds shining in their depths.

This is one of my most favorite chapters in this book!
😍🥰

Published on : 12/24/2024