Markus

There was a soft knock on his door.

"Markus? You ready for some of this cake?"

He didn't answer.

"Markus? Lil'M" A lengthy pause. "You okay in there?"

He slid the pills and the bottle under his pillow just as Aunt Sadie eased open the door while balancing the cake on her arm and holding a glass of milk at the same time. Dust from the tablets stood out in stark contrast against his skin but he was unable to wipe it off without her noticing.

"What you doin' sittin' so quiet in here?" she asked, placing the cake and milk next to him on the table.

"I'm just thinkin', Aunt Sadie."

"Hmm. Oh yeah? Well ain't that a coincidence. I been thinkin' too."

He said nothing in response, just staring at nothing, so she continued. Pulling up his desk chair, she sat down and sighed. "Whew! Feels good to get off my feet. I tell you, I think I been runnin' non-stop today and then before you know it, it done got dark and almost time for bed. I been in that kitchen and realized that I been so busy livin' my life and goin' to church and helpin' Brother Gibbs and so forth, that I ain't been takin' care of the most important thing. You know what I'm sayin'?"

Thinking the question was rhetorical, Markus again sat silent while she continued. "Sometimes you get so wrapped up in what you are doin' you end up forgettin' about the stuff that's most important and that be what's happened to me. I done forgot how you been hurtin' and how you been needin' some help, but I ain't been there for you. I been selfish, just thinkin' about what's important to me and ignorin' you, and that ain't right. I need you to know that you are the most important thing in this world to me; I need you to know that."

She spoke with such urgency he couldn't help but look into her eyes.

Reaching over and patting him on the leg, she said with a short little laugh, "I tell you Lil'M, you do take after your Daddy. There are times I sit back amazed at how much you look just like him. And oh my, he was a fine man." She paused a moment, lost in memories while a faint smile played across her face. "I never did tell your Momma, but they was a time I was jealous a her 'cause a him. My, he could make the heads of the women turn, just like you do if you'd ever pay any attention. The day she come to me and said they's gonna marry just about broke my heart. I had to decide right then and there, was I gonna let a man come between me and my sister."

She sat in the chair, her arms folded around herself as if trying to keep warm. "It was then I realized that sometimes life hands you a choice that you just don't wanna face. I thought for awhile it was just me that got stuck with these kinda things, but I began to realize everybody's got a tough road to hoe now and then. We all got tough decisions to make and what kinda choice you make says a lot about what kinda person you are."

In spite of himself, Markus found himself listening. He had never heard this story before. "So Momma never knew?"

"Lord, I hope not! She'd a clawed my eyes out. But I must'a been a pretty good actor I guess. Later, when you was born I swear I never saw a more perfect little baby. Every nurse in the hospital said you was the most beautiful thing they'd ever seen, and your Momma and Daddy, they was so proud."

Together they sat by the light of the lamp with Sadie talking about the beginning of his life and Markus just wanting it to end.

"So why didn't you get married Aunt Sadie?"

"What are you sayin'? You actin' like they's no hope left. For all you know, I might just have me a beau stashed away somewhere. Might be that all I gotta do is snap my fingers and he'll come rushin' in and sweep me off my feet." She tried to make it sound lighthearted but a bit of pain managed to seep into her words. "Oh, I don't know, really. I guess God's got a plan for each of us. I 'spect he's savin' me for somethin' special."

The melancholy tone of her words affected him. How can you have faith in a God who treats us like this? Saving her for something special? What is she talking about? The idea was so foolish he almost laughed but then said nothing not wanting to ridicule her faith, the one thing that seemed to keep her going. He knew just from what had happened to him within the last few weeks that God didn't care. The only thing He had planned special for them was being ground underfoot for the benefit of whoever it was He really cared about. And whoever it was, they sure didn't live in Gary.

Aunt Sadie's thoughts had apparently taken a different path. "When your Daddy insisted on naming you Markus, we started callin' you Little Markus and him Big Markus. And oh my, you were the golden child. People would fall about themselves, always talkin' 'bout how handsome you was, and how smart you was. And then.."

Markus waited. "And then what?"

Her eyes had welled up with tears and she looked around for a tissue. Being a teenager-- in particular, a male teenager--Markus didn't believe in tissues. She gave up looking and used her sleeve. "And then Big M got the cancer. He wasted away and died within four months. It's always been one of my biggest regrets you grew up without your Daddy. A boy ought to have a father."

Minutes passed with no words spoken. Markus tried to remember his father but only a hazy figure materialized, one that could have easily been generated from the endless talk he had heard growing up or the photos hidden away in dusty albums. It would have been nice to have had a father, to have known him, but really, he was no different than most of his friends.

"And I sure do wish he could'a seen you sittin' here as a fine young man, your Momma too. They both had a hard life, fulla grief and pain, but to see what a son they's able to produce, that would'a made everything worthwhile." She looked into his face but Markus still stared off, unable to respond.

"Okay Lil' M, I'm done yakkin' at you. I just needed for you to know that you is what makes life worth livin'. Playin' basketball and makin' big money woulda been nice, they ain't no denyin' that, but what's really important to me is you. Without you, I, well... I just don't know what I'd do. I know it's been tough on you, losin' your scholarship and all, but you gotta trust me here, it ain't the end of the world. Better days are ahead, I know it." She stopped for a second to lean forward and give Markus a hug. "Now look, I've gone and started talkin' like a soap opera, all sentimental-like. How you gonna respect me if I sound like that?"

She stood and glanced at the cake languishing on the nightstand. "You'd best eat that cake. Heaven knows when I might get the urge again."

Pushing the desk chair back across the room, she turned to the door and paused. Markus still couldn't bring himself to meet her eyes but he knew without looking her face was painted with concern. Emotions pulled at him but at the center a lifeless hole remained, a hole he was sure would never be filled.

Aunt Sadie sighed, gave a little sniff and eased shut the door leaving him alone. Her words alternately warmed then irritated him, leaving him confused and causing his head to spin. It was comforting to hear her words of love and care but he couldn't stand the thought of living a life without hope. She had her faith. But he had reality, and reality wasn't pretty. Everything he had lived for had been yanked out from under him with no prospect of improvement. It was depressing.

The spinning sensation became so real and was accompanied by an unnatural warmth enveloping his entire body, he realized the pill he had swallowed must be kicking in. He remembered stories of kids who took these pills to get high and he couldn't for the life of him understand what all the fuss was about, for certainly there was no thrill to be had. It reminded him of the tiny horde of pills crowded under his pillow just waiting to join their brother. He did some mental calculation: Aunt Sadie had been in his room for about fifteen minutes and adding the time since she had left, it had been almost twenty or twenty five minutes since he had taken the pill. If he acted now, all his pain could be over in less than half an hour. It was simple, easy. Aunt Sadie's words played over in his head, We all got tough decisions to make.

He sat on the bed, a decision in front of him. I can't even get this right. Maybe Jay C knows what he's talking about, I ain't got a backbone. He had no idea how much time had passed as he contemplated the thought of ending his misery. The glass of milk gathered condensation which collected and ran down to the table surface, something Aunt Sadie would surely be upset about. Don't want water ruinin' the finish. He reached out and lifted the glass and wiped away the collected moisture. The cold milk felt good in his hand but he placed it back on the nightstand before realizing it would help the pills go down better.

He reached under the pillow and scooped up the handful of tablets along with the plastic bottle. He poured them into the bottle and placed it beside the cake, wishing someone would show him the way. Make your decision, you spineless wimp, he told himself, frustrated and disgusted.

He shook his head in resignation then reached out and picked up the cake.