At the vehicle bay in New Republic HQ, a Rebel with yellow accents was talking to Grif and Bitters.

Matthews: I just think that...if you would just reconsider, sir. (stutters) I mean, uh, I followed your order from day one with like, the burritos and...and... I'd follow you to the end, sir. I really would.

Grif: Bitters? What do I always say?

Bitters: (unenthused) "Nobody likes a kiss-ass."

Grif: Nobody likes a kiss-ass.

Matthews: But, sir!

Grif: Matthews, you are in fact a total kiss-ass. And nobody likes that. Bitters, do you like that?

Bitters: Nope.

Grif: Bitters doesn't like that. Because Bitters here is a maverick, a loose cannon. And people love loose cannons. I'm a bit of a loose cannon myself. Isn't that right, Bitters?

Bitters: Actually, I'm starting to think you're just kinda lazy.

Grif: See that? Total loose cannon response. I respect that, Bitters.

Bitters: (sighs) Whatever.

Grif: So, as much it pains me, inside, I'm afraid I must deny your request to join our elite team, Matthews.

Matthews: (tearing up) Very well, sir. I understand.

Matthews walks off.

Grif: Even in defeat, still a kiss-ass.

Simmons: (from afar) Grif, hurry up!

Grif: Speaking of which...

Grif joins Doomguy, Tucker, Simmons, and Caboose on a platform. Their five respective lieutenants, Bitters, Palomo, Carmine, Jensen, and Smith stand below.

Simmons: (clears throat) Hello. Welcome everyone. Thank you for joining us here. Um, why don't we just go down the line and introduce ourselves?

Caboose: Um, hello. Ugh yes...my name is Michael J. Caboose.

Recruits: Hi, Michael.

Rho: (appears) Okay, okay, what is this? The shark scene from "Finding Nemo"?

Simmons: No, I meant the recruits, Caboose. Why would we need to introduce ourselves? They already know us.

Caboose: Yes, but do they know the "real" us.

Tucker: What does that even mean?

Caboose: Well that is a very interesting question, Tucker. Why don't you elaborate on those feelings?

Tucker: (groans) Just state your name.

Simmons: And tell us a fun fact about yourself.

Grif: (to Simmons) Really?

Smith: (clears throat) Permission to speak, sir?

Tucker: Uh, go for it?

Smith: Thank you, sir. Lieutenant John-

Grif: Hey, G.I. Joe? Could you drop the act? We don't have all day.

Smith: Oh, um very good, sir. My friends call me Smith. I've served the New Republic faithfully for several years and I believe Captain Caboose is one of the wisest individuals I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Sir!

Grif: Great. Another kiss-ass.

Simmons: You mean our Caboose?

Smith: Yes, sir.

Simmons: This one right here?

Smith: Correct.

Simmons: ...The blue one?

Rho: Simmons, considering your role-model is still Sarge, you're not really in any position to judge.

Simmons: Hey, that's not-

Tucker: Okay, moving on. Next?

Jensen: Hello, everyone. I'm Katie Jensen. I enjoy vehicle maintenance, biology, uh...

Jensen grabs her throat and begins choking. She then falls over, gagging.

Grif: Uh, should we do something?

Jensen gets up.

Jensen: (coughing) Sorry. Choked on my own spit.

Tucker: Simmons, what the fuck is this?

Simmons: It was either her or the really hot one that plays volleyball.

Tucker: Then what the fuck is this!?

Simmons: She makes me less nervous, okay! Just leave me alone!

Grif: Next.

Bitters: (unenthused) I'm Bitters. My fun fact is that I don't have a...fun fact.

Grif: Total. Maverick.

Rho: You have such low standards, don't you? Next!

Carmine: My name is Clayton Carmine and I lost both of my brothers to the Federal Army and have now dedicated the rest of my life to killing every single Fed bastard on this god-forsaken planet.

The group was completely silent.

Grif: Uhh...

Simmons: (nervously) That's n-nice... I-I guess?

Carmine: No. Nice is when I put Locus' head on top of a pike and then send that pike straight through the heart of the Capitol!

Rho: Okay, Carmine. We get it. Please tone it down on the whole "dark vengeance" thing. (quietly to Doomguy) Jesus, no wonder you chose this guy, Cal.

Doomguy just shrugs.

Palomo: And last but not least!

Tucker: (groans)

Palomo: Private Palomo. Slayer of women, wooer of evil. (pause) Wait...

Simmons: Is that your fun fact?

Palomo: Oh, uh...oh! I'm the only member of green team with turquoise on my armor! Suck on that.

Tucker: One: It's aqua. And Two: I fucking hate you, Palomo.

Simmons: Alright, as you've all been informed, this team has come together for the sole purpose of rescuing the remaining survivors of a UNSC shipwreck from several months back. We all know them as Donut, Agent Washington, and Sarge.

Grif: And maybe a Spanish robot named Lopez.

Rho: And a badass Elite Ultra named Kan.

Caboose: And maybe an adorable robot named Freckles.

Tucker: Yeah yeah, we get it. The point is, we've only got five days to train you guys, so we're getting started right now! Now, any questions?

Smith: ...Who is leading this team?

Caboose, Grif, Simmons, and Tucker: I am!

The four look at each other.

Rho: (holds his head in his hands) No, no, no, no...

Tucker: (confused) Uh, what?

Simmons: Well, I'm obviously the one who should be leading this. I'm the most logical of the group.

Tucker: Bullshit!

Simmons: I'm the one who set up this entire meeting.

Grif: Yeah, and this meeting blows dicks.

Simmons: Wait, why do you wanna be the leader?

Grif: Well, I'm really starting to get used to all this praise and pampering, and I don't wanna risk losing it all to one of you jerks.

Matthews pops up on an platform in the distant background.

Matthews: I could always praise and pamper you, sir!

Grif: Goddammit Matthews! What did we just talk about!?

Caboose: Well, I think there's an easy way to settle this. Ahem, raise your hand if you were the leader of a team any time before joining this army.

Rho: You weren't ever, Caboose.

Caboose: Yep, and I forgot to raise my hand.

Tucker: Hey, if you're looking for experience, so far I'm the only one who's been on an actual mission.

Rho: Which again, you nearly botched!

Smith: Excuse me, sirs? We could always vote.

Grif, Tucker, Simmons, and Caboose look at one another.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

A title card pops up with Simmons' name before he is standing on the center platform.

Simmons: My fellow soldiers. If you elect me as your leader, you're not just voting for a kind, well-mannered leader, you're voting for victory. I've overseen countless skirmishes and calculated my opponent's every move. And although some people may not count "Dungeons and Dragons" as an acceptable example of military expertise, I beg to differ. A vote for Dick Simmons is a vote for America!

Palomo: ...But we're not in America.

Simmons: ...Fuck!

Another title card: Caboose.

Caboose: And I will put Kool-Aids in all the water fountains! And we won't have to wear uniforms...anymore! And Principal Kimball... will...allow us...double recess! (echoing) Recess, recess recess...

Tucker: Caboose, you're not running for class president.

Smith: No, don't you see? We won't need uniforms anymore because the war will finally be over. Kimball will send us out into the world and we'll never have to raise another gun ever again. By god, he has such a way with words.

Grif: Is this guy for real?

Simmons: Wait, what about the Kool-aid in the water fountains?

Smith: Oh yeah, that sounds awesome.

Carmine: Eh, I like Strawberry Yoohoos. And the blood of my enemies from time to time.

Another title card: Grif.

Grif: ...Dibs.

Simmons: What?

Grif: I call dibs on the team. Dibs.

Tucker: You can't call dibs on the team!

Grif: ...You sure?

Simmons: Grif!

Grif: Alright, whatever! (mumbling) I don't wanna be leader anyway...

Final title card: Tucker.

Tucker: S'up guys, Tucker here. Uh, speech...speech...oh, I've always said I'm a lover and not a fighter. I'm lookin' at you, Jensen.

Jensen: Me?

Tucker: Yeah, tell your volleyball friend I said that. Anyways-

Felix arrives on the scene.

Felix: Please. God. Tell me you guys haven't been standing around talking all morning.

Tucker looks at Felix and then back at the recruits.

Tucker: (to the recruits) ...Alright look, you want the truth? I don't wanna be your leader. Being a leader totally sucks. It's hard work and you have to put up with people you hate! But I wanna get my friends back and seeing as that's our mission, I will deal with whatever bullshit I have to do to make it happen! ...And if I was holding a mic, this would be the part where I drop it.

Brief silence.

Jensen:...I vote for Tucker.

Bitters: Yeeaah, I vote for Tucker.

Smith: Me too.

Palomo: Yeah.

Grif: Congratulations, Tucker! You got the job. That you hate.

Felix: Yeaaah, great. Yay. Happy for you. So, did you guys wanna start training at some point? Or, sorry, would you prefer to keep dicking around? Because by all means, I could watch this train wreck all day. Really, it's-it's like the Hindenburg footage. Ya-ya ever see that? Just, absolutely breathtaking... until you realize everyone's screwed.

Carmine: Wait, I just realized. Why didn't Cal try for team leader?

Rho: Because obviously he's already the team leader seeing as how he can fight and ACTUALLY lead. But we're not gonna always be around so they need to function without us.

Carmine: Very fair considering what I just saw.