Hueningkai finds him curled up on the doorstep, the tear tracks shining on his face nearly blue from the cold.

Soobin barely registers Hueningkai's panicked swearing as he wrestles the gun from his numb fingers and bundles Soobin into the house. He hardly feels the protruding bones against his back as his boyfriend wraps him in every single jacket he can find and drags him to the couch. He scarcely senses the strain in Hueningkai's brittle bones, the panting in his horrified, chastising words. All he sees is red. Beautiful, terrible red.

"I'm sorry I didn't watch you wake up this morning," Soobin whispers.

Hueningkai throws his arms around him. He's crying.

(Soobin's never seen Hueningkai cry.)

"What were you doing?" Hueningkai screams, and he sounds more afraid than Soobin's ever heard him before.

He loves me. He needs me.

The gun, firmly set on the coffee table, taunts Soobin with its invisible metal eyes, as if daring him to pick it up and place it at the side of his head. He imagines blood spilling out of his cranium and over his deadened fingers, and he wonders what Hueningkai would say.

"G-gun," Soobin manages to get out. His lips feel like they're going to fall off his face.

"Never mind the gun! What were you thinking? It's so cold, and you were shivering, and I don't know how long you were out there for, and hyung, I---I---" Hueningkai's speech is slurred with sobs, wracking his agitated words with horror. The hot arms pressed into Soobin's layered sides are nothing but bone, and Soobin thinks about how Yeonjun's right.

"Tell me you love me," Soobin chokes out.

Hueningkai hugs him tighter, and it's not really that tight because he's so weak, but it's enough. "Damn it, Soobin," he curses, and there's a strange, rough edge to his voice. "All this just because you wanted me to say I love you?"

No, Soobin wants to say. You're misunderstanding things. I just want---I just want to know you love me. That you need me. I didn't---didn't do this on purpose. I didn't. I didn't mean to hurt you. Because Hueningkai's sad, and Hueningkai's angry, and it's all Soobin's fault.

"No," is all he can say, and Hueningkai cries harder.

(He can't feel his hands anymore.)

All the reasons that he should and shouldn't, all the ways that he died and didn't, all the words that he said and sobbed. They come crashing out of Soobin's throat in a tsunami from the east coast, an earthquake off the side of Jeju Island. "Y-Yeonjun told me to k-kill myself."

Hueningkai freezes, and Soobin can't miss the way his emotions collapse over him like a tidal wave, the way his thoughts sear themselves onto every inch of his pallid skin like cattle brands. "Yeonjun?" he repeats, and he sounds like a child, a sweet summer child, the child he'd been before Soobin had stolen his summer and his youth from him. "He's...here?"

He loves me. He needs me.

But no matter how many times Soobin repeats the mantra in his head, he can't help the jealousy that builds up in his chest at how curious Hueningkai sounds, how wistful. And he knows Hueningkai hasn't seen Yeonjun in years, too long to even miss him anymore, and that he's not a high schooler stuck between the hearts of two boys anymore, and that he's Soobin's and only Soobin's now, but the way the mere mention of Yeonjun's name seems to send Hueningkai spiralling out of some surreal dream burns envy into Soobin's soul, sickly and bilious and emerald green.

(After all, the forbidden fruit always tastes the best.)

"Not anymore," Soobin confesses, and he hadn't killed Yeonjun, but with the way Hueningkai's face falls, he wishes he had. "He found us. He found us, Hueningie. He wants me to kill myself." And he's shaking, crying, a perfect storm, but he can't help it. He can't help the way he feels. "He wants you for himself, Hueningie. He wants to take you away from me." Enfolded in his boyfriend's careful embrace, Soobin shivers, sensation finally flooding back into his limbs. "He says I'm killing you."

(There's nothing wrong with falling in love. But it's not really love anymore, is it?)

Hueningkai's head is on Soobin's shoulder, the heat of his tears leaking through the layers heaped over Soobin's trembling body. "No one's going to take me away from you, hyung."

(He doesn't bother correcting Soobin on his other words. They both know the truth.)

"You promised you'd stay."

"I promised I'd stay."

(Promises are meant to be broken.)

They sit there for a while, curled into the warmth of each other, matching tear tracks glistening on their sunken cheeks, and Soobin thinks about how Yeonjun and Taehyun and Beomgyu are right, and how Hueningkai's too good for him, and how he should leave him, but he's selfish. He turns his head, and his frozen nose digs into the skeletal ridge of Hueningkai's collarbone, and he wonders what it would be like to die.

He loves me. He needs me.

Hueningkai kisses the top of his head, and all Soobin can think about is the faded galaxy in his beautiful eyes. "Don't listen to Yeonjun-hyung, Soobin. Don't leave me. I won't leave you either."

I know you won't.

"Maybe you should."

"I don't want to."

Soobin presses his cheek into the crook of his boyfriend's neck. "I promised I'd protect you. I promised I'd take care of you." His fingers seek out Hueningkai's palm, running themselves over every evident ivory line. I failed. I failed you. I failed me.

"You've been doing your job perfectly, hyung."

Of course that's what Hueningkai would say. Of course that's what sweet, angelic Hueningkai, who has enough sugar in his little finger to give the world diabetes, would say.

There's water in Soobin's lungs, stones in his heart, Yeonjun's accusations in his head. "I just wanted to make you happy."

(Because that's what you're supposed to do for the people you love, isn't it?)

"I am happy, hyung."

(Soobin wishes that were true.)

❥

They talk again when they've both calmed down, when Hueningkai's stopped crying and Soobin's own tears have finally started to dry. And Soobin knows he can just leave it at that, at empty words and unchained promises born to be broken, but he can't. Yeonjun's voice plays in his mind like a broken record on repeat, scratching away his mental defences with verbal talons. They're like black ink tattoos on twice-marked skin, imprints that refuse to fade.

So he bites the bullet, picks up a handful of knives, throws his cards into the ring. "I don't know how to fix this, Hueningie."

"But it's not broken."

Something shatters inside Soobin's chest, because he knows it's his fault Hueningkai lies, and lies, and lies. He knows it's his fault Hueningkai stays. He knows it's his fault their youth is gone. "I'm fucked up, Hueningie. Fucked up." And you're dying, and it's all my fault.

(Soobin doesn't know why he's like this anymore. Maybe it's self-awareness. Jealousy. Insecurity. A combination of all three.)

"It's about what Yeonjun-hyung said, isn't it?"

(It's almost ironic how Soobin would burn the universe down for Hueningkai, but he can't even bear to let his world go outside.)

There's no point in denying it. Hueningkai knows the answer. So instead, Soobin fixes his eyes on the gun on their coffee table and imagines shooting himself in the head.

Hueningkai spots his wandering gaze, his face falling like cherry blossoms in June. "Hyung, no. Don't even think about it."

But it's you or me, isn't it?

(Soobin wishes he loved him enough to let him go.)

"We'll get through this, alright?" Hueningkai tries. "We can work this out. Together."

(He means it. Soobin knows he does.)

"Yeah. Together." Soobin attempts to smile.

(He wishes he meant it too.)

Red is courage. Red is fervour. Red is the galaxy in Hueningkai's eyes as his lips twist up in a grin.

Soobin thinks he's the luckiest person in the entire universe to have ended up with a boyfriend as perfect as Hueningkai.

"I love you," Soobin says.

(Sometimes, there's nothing better to say.)

Hueningkai's smile widens, transforming his gorgeous face into a painting Van Gogh would be jealous of, a starry sky the planets would die to fall into. And Soobin knows he means it, because Hueningkai is beautiful when he's in love, an angel kissed by the heavens themselves, a ruby rose melting into the snow. He glows for the first time in weeks, and a single spark of hope ignites itself in Soobin's heart.

"I love you too, Soobin." A flowing river weaves itself through his words, shining gold with threads of sunlight. His eyes are honey, fireworks exploding in his pupils, and for a moment, Soobin's not quite so fucked up.

Maybe they'll be okay after all.

Maybe Soobin won't have to kill himself.

Maybe he'll be able to put his feelings aside so Hueningkai can live.

Maybe maybe maybe maybemaybemaybe---

"Promise me you'll help me work this out, Soobin," Hueningkai says.

Soobin stares into the emptiness of their living room, into their blank future. "I promise."

❥

They usually don't have sex two days in a row---they usually don't have it more than once a week---but it's a special occasion. It's a new beginning. A new end. A new back-and-forth, and maybe, just maybe, Soobin'll be able to break out of the cycle of his mind. And amidst the soft pink glow whistling around Hueningkai and the tiny lights illuminating their bedroom, it's so easy to lose himself. It's so easy to lose the jealousy. It's so easy to feel secure, comfortable, safe.

Soobin tops for the first time.

He kind of likes it.

He knows he'll never do it again.