As soon as the class ended the boys gathered inside the cafeteria to have their lunch. When they heard about Jimin's suspension they just knew it was a day when everything goes worse to worst. The cafeteria is a cacophony of loud chatter, each table had a cosseted huddle of students raising their voices to be heard above the din.

The boys ate in silence as they didn't know how to start a conversation. Namjoon cursed Jimin as he thought about him not listening to his warning and at the same time his heart trembled when he didn't see Jimin coming to have his food. On the other hand, Jin and Jungkook felt bad after their little stunt with their dance teacher.

"Where is he? He didn't even have his breakfast." Hoseok asked between having his lunch.

"I think I should go and look out for him." Jungkook wiped his hands with the napkin and pushed his chair behind to get up. "Maybe, he doesn't want us to find him." Jungkook fell back on his seat when Taehyung grabbed his hands and asked him to leave Jimin on his own.

"Taehyung is right. Leave him! He will come around when he wants to." Namjoon said as he continued to dig his fork inside his pork cutlet.

None of them mentioned about him after that. They all finished their food and decided to check on Yoongi before going to their dorms. Jungkook eyes wandered around the whole place as they walked towards Yoongi's dorm. He was anxious to see him after hearing about his suspension. What will he have to do now? Will he leave the academy? Several questions hovered inside his little head.

Jimin jumped from his seat as he heard the door opening with a crack sound. The boys gasped when they saw Jimin sitting beside Yoongi's bed. Jimin quickly put his finger on his lips asking them to stay quiet as Yoongi was still asleep. He tiptoed out of his room and slowly closed the door behind.

"What the fuck did you do? I told you to not do something crazy." Namjoon spat at Jimin as soon as they walked outside Yoongi's room. The boys attacked him with various questions and Jimin just stood still with a smile plastered on his face. "My hands might have slipped on Jihun."

"What? You got into a fight with Jihun?" Namjoon grabbed his hair in frustration. Jimin exactly did what he was afraid of.  The others just ended up with a sigh as they were halfheartedly happy for this. They thought he deserved it for hurting Yoongi but we all know Newton's third law and this action had some great repercussions to pay.

"Why didn't you tell me to join you?" Jungkook huffed as he heard Jihun's name. 

"You want to fight huh? You just have to ask me for it." Jin narrowed his eyes on Jungkook as he warned him to stay away from unnecessary fights.

"Calm down guys. What's done is done. Please just don't tell Yoongi about it. He will be worried." Jimin requested with his puppy eyes and everyone agreed as they also thought that it will be better if Yoongi just concentrates on his fast recovery.

"So when are you leaving?"

"I got a flight for five days later so I think I will be around for a while to irritate you all."

"Are they sending you home?" Jungkook gasped in surprise.

"Yeah. They think I need some 'private' time with my parents. When you think they can't be more idiotic." Jimin scoffed. The boys felt sad as they will have to practice without Jimin but they smiled to play along with him. Namjoon looked at him pretending like he didn't care but he knew deep down Jimin was hurting and the night will see his pillow getting soaked.

______

21st January 2013

Dear Shitass

Well, guess who's still alive!

I thought I won't see the new year but here I am writing my shit again. I went to end myself but even life was cheating on me. When I checked my washroom I was out of Gillette blades. I quickly ran towards the campus's washroom and found one. I was just this close to slitting my wrist. I was this close to experiencing the real shit which only happens in those TV dramas.

I would lie if I said I was not afraid. When I saw my own reflection in the mirror I didn't even recognize myself. My red swollen eyes, ruffled hairs and chapped lips made me realize how vulnerable I was. It was 2 am in the morning and I was alone in that room surrounded by the four walls. At least that's what I thought.

You might think how dumb I was to try that but if you could feel the pain which I am feeling. The feeling when you just want to stay in the corner of your room, away from people and it's what makes you feel better. But that same darkness is sucking the life out of you. You think "where did I go wrong?" Or "why is it unmendable now. Why can't I go back to the way I was happier?"

I made a little cut on my wrist first and I didn't feel any pain. Not even a pinch. The blood kept coming out but I just had this numb feeling inside me. I felt sick to not feel anything and I just wanted to end it. Everything just made no sense and I didn't see any hope. It was just all blurry.

I closed my eyes and placed the blade near my wrist. I had to cut it deep, so deep that it cuts my veins and It all just end at once. As I was about to move my hand I heard someone calling my name. My eyes suddenly opened when he grabbed my shoulder and pulled me towards him.

It was Jimin.

He was inside one of the washroom cabins this whole time. He squeezed my hand and threw away the blade from my grip. I pushed him and asked him to leave me but he was holding me tightly. I felt weak and had no energy to oppose him. He saw my face with pettiness. He was the one who witnessed how shit and fucked up I was. He saw the boy who always pretended to be cool and tough was how weak and torn up from inside.

I surrendered myself to him when he didn't leave me. I fell down on the floor and just started wailing. I cried as my tears merged into each other one after another. I didn't know why I cried. For the fact that I failed to die or for the fact that I might found someone to hold on.

I wanted to live but I just had nothing to lean on. I felt empty until Jimin said I can lean on him.

We sat on the same bathroom floor for hours and I just kept crying into Jimin's arms. I told him how fucked up I am and how I just pretend to be cool when in reality I am just a bumped up guy looking for someone to share my worries.

I am writing so much today but I don't know it just feels good. Jimin told me to do things which gives me even little happiness. He spends time with me a lot these days so I don't try to do something crazy. I told him I won't but he just doesn't listen. I asked him to not tell anyone about this. Not even Namjoon.

This will be the secret of my life which I just want to keep between myself and Jimin. And now you.

Ok goodnight you shitass

1st Feb 2013

Hey!

Did I wake you up?

Sorry, I can't sleep again. And no I am not thinking to do something crazy. These days I try to stay with my members and then in my room. I don't want to see Jihun's face. I just feel disgusted to even think that I was friends with him. But yeah that's all about my condition. And about the pain? I don't know I just don't feel anything. Maybe I am getting used to living with it.

I was actually wondering about Jimin. Today I was listening to songs on his phone and just randomly thought to check out his gallery. I know I shouldn't have but whatever I was bored so I did.

You won't believe what I saw. I saw the various recording of my dance. There was like two to four recording of me while dancing. I got so curious and just went and asked him about it. He said he loved watching me dancing. But how could someone love my dance? I struggle with my moves. I didn't put much stress on it then but now I keep thinking about it.

Am I worth recording? Hell, I feel so awkward to imagine Jimin watching my messy dance moves on his phone. Maybe I will ask him to delete it. But then I think I shouldn't. What the fuck is wrong with my brain? Maybe I just focus on practicing for the upcoming dance competition. Jimin is helping me with my moves. We stay back after our usual practice hours too. I don't feel jealous of him now but I think I am starting to admire his passion for dancing.

He is trying so much to make me feel better. Last night he sneaked into my room and took me to show this beautiful place which he recently found. It was a lake behind our campus and it also had a pier over it. We guffed around for a bit and then talked for which seem like hours. I really felt calm when the cold wind hit my face and I just listened to Jimin's voice as he kept talking. Honestly, he talks a lot but I like it. His eyes looked like stars when the light reflected through his black iris. He told me about his past and asked me to open up to him too.   The guards were on the watch so we didn't spend much time there but I think I will go there again.

Anyway, I will be away for a few days as we are going out for the dance competition and the place is Daegu! I am so excited. I will spend some time with my dog and will eat mom's food. I really miss that.

I will see you soon....Maybe.

****

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