^^Above, chapter title credit: Song by Split Enz.^^

{Raina}

Things are pretty chilly between us after that, and it isn't just because the weather outside has a bite of cold now. Geoff and I don't really talk, and when we do, our conversations have a life of about three sentences. Most of the time I spend with Ettie or by myself. At least I'm not throwing up so much anymore, but I still get dizzy spells, even at nearly seven months.

Mila and I are in the kitchen, watching Ettie wander around and point out different things the day everything changes. She's been pretty fast learner, now talking in almost complete sentences. Her word of the day seems to be spoon, because she keeps reaching for the wooden one that Mila's using to make muffins.

"Spoon, Nana," she says, bouncing up on the balls of her feet and stretching an arm up. "Spoon."

"You can't play with this one, Miss Ettie," Mila says, nudging it away from the edge of the counter.

I see Ettie's expression falter, and I have to intervene before she starts bawling. I pick a whisk out of the cup next to the stove and kneel down next to her with some difficulty.

"Ets, honey, what is this?" I hold it out to her, and she stares at it. "It was your favorite."

"Whisk?" she says, after a minute.

"Very good, sweetie." I let her take it, kissing her forehead.

Then, as I haul myself up, holding my growing belly and both my knees protesting painfully, I hear the familiar opening tones of the four o'clock news. I don't usually pay attention to it, but something that day makes me. The newscaster comes on, a well-dressed woman with dark hair, and immediately starts reporting on the headline: Multimillionaire Howard Eckles's midtown offices were ripped apart by what appeared to be incendiary bombs, planted inside the walls. No one, not even him, knew they were in there.

"Oh my God..." I press my fingers against my lips, leaning back heavily against the counter. The footage is showing Eckles being wheeled out of the lobby on a gurney, one side of his body bloody and burnt. "Who would do something like that?"

Mila says nothing, and I know exactly who she's thinking of.

Then the phone rings, and me being the closest, I pick it up before Mila can. "Hello?"

"Raina, thank God..." It's El's mom, Kim. She sounds distraught. "I wasn't sure if I'd reach you..."

"Yeah, I'm okay," I say, fighting the rising panic.

"That's a relief, honey, really..." Her voice cuts off, and I catch a distant sob. "We heard...the explosion..."

Then it hits me. El worked in Eckles's office. And the only reason her mom would be calling me is because something happened to her. "I just saw it on the news..."

"Raina, honey..." Kim's grief leaks through every word. "Ellen, she..."

"El?" I feel my knees give way, the blood beginning to roar in my ears. "What happened?"

"Caught in the blast..." Kim says, but I barely hear her. "Broke her neck...I'm sorry, honey...she's gone..."

The phone slips from my hand as I collapse against Mila, who barely catches me as she lowers us to the ground. I bury my face in her shoulder as my sobs escape, my chest aching so much I can hardly stand it. I can't believe El is dead. My friend, my sister, the best goddam roommate ever. And even though we'd drifted apart for a little while, we managed to find each other again eventually.

I just want the pain to stop, even though it's only begun.

≈

Geoff comes home to a dark house. I haven't bothered to turn on any lights since I found out about El. In fact, the only one that's on is the lamp next to me. I close my eyes, pressing my hands against my baby bump and will him to stop kicking me, just for a second. He's gotten much more active, and possibly the most painful thing is when he digs a heel into my ribs.

"Stop," I whisper, feeling tears sliding down my face again. "Please."

I hear the door open, and Geoff calling "I'm home!" but I don't get up. I don't trust my legs to hold me.

A small light goes on in the hall, and I hear Mila's voice, low enough that I can't make out any words. Geoff asks, naturally, why it's so dark in here, and she answers, slowly and gravely. Then Geoff's pushing open the door and looking in, just a dark silhouette.

"Raina?" he says softly, his voice gentle. "I heard what happened, I—"

I shake my head, just as my vision blurs and more tears emerge. "I can't talk about it right now, Geoff."

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry." He comes in, closing the door behind him with a soft click. "If there's anything I can do..."

I wipe my cheeks with my sweater sleeve, and then drop my hands. "You can come here and sit next to me."

Without a word, he does. I lean into him, and he slides one arm around me. With his other hand, he takes one of mine, giving it a squeeze and kissing my knuckles. I close my eyes again, even as tears push their way out. I don't want to see or hear anything, not when the world as I knew it has been taken from me. All I want is my best friend back. And when I realize that won't happen, I cover my face with one hand and break down into sobs again. Geoff holds me and strokes my hair, but says nothing. That's all I want from him right now.

≈

A few days later, the phone calls start coming in. Tori. Matt. Hugo. Even Aisha. Both Kim and Allen, El's dad. Her older sister, Jenny. I didn't even know she had an older sister, which tells me just how much I didn't know about her.

Lastly, Hank. I know how close they were, and she'd been the first one he'd told about his super-ness. The pain and heartache in his voice makes my own tears start again.

"She wouldn't want us to cry about it," he says, his voice scratchy and rough. "You know what she'd say."

"Yeah." I wipe at my eyes. "'I've never given you a reason to cry over me, and I don't want to start now.'"

I hear Hank sigh, and his chair squeaks as he leans back in it. "That does sound like her, now that I think about it."

"How are you holding up?" I ask him after a long time, after we've been content to just mull over our own thoughts together. "I guess I should know, but..."

"No, Raina, it's okay. I'm hurting, but I have to keep going, you know? Keep living, and all that."

"Yeah." I scrub at my eyes again. They're so raw it hurts when the tears start. "I suppose."

"And you've got a baby coming," he says through a heavy sigh. "That'll lift your spirits, I hope."

I wince just as he kicks me twice. "He's ready to come, I can tell."

"Super babies always are," he says. "I must have been, but I can't really ask. I don't even know who my mother is."

"Oh, Hank." My heart cracks at the melancholy in his voice. El never told me much about his background, but from what I could see, he had a rocky upbringing, considering he spent most of it on the streets.

"Hey. Don't worry about me, okay? El was your best friend too." I can hear a weak, shaky smile. "I'll talk to you guys later. Or see you, maybe."

We say goodbye and hang up, and I run my hands over my swollen middle. I want this baby to be our pride and joy, a child we can love and cherish and nurture, the best of me and of Geoff. I want him to know that coming to us in the midst of a tragedy is the one bright spot in the darkness of our grief.

Geoff knocks quietly on the doorjamb, looking into the living room where I've been ensconced since the news. He's holding a small rectangle of card stock against his chest, his brow furrowing.

"Hey, Geoff." I run my hand through the knots in my hair, rubbing the back of my neck. "What's that you've got?"

He comes over and hands it to me. I glance over it — Matthew Benson and Victoria Radcliffe cordially invite us to their wedding, February second, 1994, at the Holy Mother of Christ church in Providence, Rhode Island.

"That's great, Geoff. Really." I turn away and dig the heel of my hand into my eyes, one after the other, so he doesn't see my tears. "I'd love to go."

"They'd love to see you," he says gently, giving my shoulder a rub.

"I wish it didn't have to be like this." I swipe my tears away roughly. I just want to stop crying, but it seems like my emotions won't let me.

"It's okay, Raina." He slides an arm around me and pulls me close. "They know what you're going through. They'll understand."

I nod and bury my face in his shoulder. At least he seems to know how to work through my feelings, because I can't seem to do it for myself.

≈

Thanksgiving passes, followed by Christmas, and then New Year's. Ten days after the new year, the baby comes. I'm almost grateful for the distraction, because all I've been doing for the past two months is trying to come to terms with El being gone and failing. I kept thinking of things I wanted to tell her and then remembering I couldn't. And then I have to sit down and cry.

The baby wastes no time. Four and a half hours after my contractions start and my water breaks, he's born, pink and wailing and wriggling. The nurse swaddles him and nestles him into my arms, his skin damp and soft against mine. I kiss the top of his head gently, cupping the back of it.

Finally, they take him from me so I can rest. I drop my head back against the pillow and close my eyes, falling into a light doze almost immediately. But it only lasts for a few minutes before I hear the door opening.

"Mrs. Cromwell, you have a visitor," says the nurse.

Immediately I think of Geoff. He'd rarely been around since El's death, only taking a few days off for the holidays. I know he wants to give me space, but now that his son is here, I would think he would want to see him. "Who is it?"

"Says she knows you?"

So it isn't Geoff. But I didn't have many friends, let alone female friends. But I shrug anyway, too worn out to protest. "She can come in."

When she does, I regret saying it immediately. The woman who walks in looks like a former prom queen that life has picked up by the scruff of her neck, shaken her around, and then thrown her back down, more than once. Her cheeks and eyes are sunken and hollow, her neck's as thin as a chicken's, and her lank stringy hair looks brittle and thin. I know this woman well, because she's my mother.

"Mom?" I sit up straighter, trying to remember if she ever looked like this when I was a kid. Her coat looks like cheap fake fur, and her gold jewelry is flaking to show gray metal. She's wearing some sort of tight, one-piece leopard patterned outfit underneath, and her shoes are covered with chunky rhinestones, also imitation.

"Rainie, honey," she says, her voice deep and scratchy from the years she's spent as a smoker. I can smell it on her when she sits down. "Been years, hasn't it?"

"After you kicked me out and threatened to have me arrested if I ever tried to come back?" I say, making sure she can hear the bitterness in my voice. "Yeah. I'd say we're strangers."

"I didn't realize things were gonna turn around for you, Rainie," she says, trying to sound apologetic. It just sounds like groveling to me. "Seen your house, an' your husband. Now your kids too. Didn't want to tell me I was a granny?"

"You sound just like Dad," I snap, and she flinches. I don't even care. "You think that just because I've suddenly got money now that you can come back and start trying to be nice to me. It's too late for that, Mom. Too late."

"Can I at least see him?" she asks. "I got a grandson, I want to see him."

"No, you can't." I scowl at the hurt in her eyes. What right does she have to be hurt? "As far as I'm concerned, his only grandparents are Geoff's parents."

"So I won't even be meeting my son-in-law?" One of her penciled eyebrows goes up. I wonder if she's drawing them on to make her look younger than she is, or if she thinks it makes her look pretty. Probably both.

"Not if I can help it." I should have known this would happen, that since Dad had a go at me, Mom would be the next one to come out of the woodwork. Geoff had never met either of my parents in person, and even though he knew plenty about my past, I never wanted this.

"Rainie." Her brow crinkles, and that's when I see how much she's aged. The smoking really did make her look twice as old.

"Don't call me that anymore," I shoot back. "You should go, before my husband gets here. I'm sure he'll be arriving at any minute."

"Are you sure you don't want to try a reconciliation, honey?" she says, probably her last-ditch effort to ingratiate herself to me. "We could start over again."

"You're my mother," I say, hearing the exasperation in my voice. "We shouldn't have to start over."

"Rainie..."

"Go, Mom, please." I drop my eyes so she won't have to see the tears there. "That's what you can do for me. Leave, and don't come back. Don't try to contact me. Just get out of my life and leave me alone."

I don't look up until I hear the door open and close again. I wish I could have let her. I wish I could have allowed even the possibility that we might reconcile. But there was none. Not after she was the bystander while Dad abused me, probably aware of it the entire time. Not after she kicked me out of the house because I made the same mistake she did. She truly was dead to me now, and she would be for as long as we both knew the other existed.

Geoff doesn't come until nearly an hour after that. I've alternated between sleeping lightly and tipping my head back to stare at the ceiling. The birth of my son has been dampened by Mom's visit, and I'm hardly aware of him there until he says something.

"Raina?"

I turn my head, catching him just sitting down in the chair Mom occupied earlier. He's still dressed from work, in a slate-gray suit. He smooths down his tie as he sits, and then he leans forward to take my hand in both of his.

"I just came from seeing our son," he says, smiling softly and kissing my fingers. "They asked me if I knew his name, but I just realized I have no idea what it is. And they just keep calling him Baby Cromwell."

"I don't either, if it makes you feel better." I give him a weak smile and squeeze his hand gently. "Did you have any in mind?"

"Honestly?" He takes a breath, and then lets it out slowly. "I'd rather not do the rich-person thing and name him after somebody in my family. If we could do something perfectly neutral for both of us, I'd prefer it."

I nod and drop my head back against the pillows, letting my eyes slide closed. "So would I."

≈

By the time my dinner comes, and Geoff's left to go get some food from the hospital cafeteria, I've come up with one – Cameron. Granted, he shares a name with the guy who does the weather on the New York 1 channel, but at this point, I'd rather that be the case than anyone in my family. I know Geoff feels the same way.

I'm discharged two days later, Cam in my arms and Geoff pushing my wheelchair out to the waiting car. He's much more wiggly than Ettie was when she was first born, but that's probably because of his super genes. That's what Hank said.

"So did you hear?" Geoff says as the car pulls away from the curb. "Howard Eckles is out of commission for the long-term."

"Still in the hospital?" I say, rubbing a corner of Cam's blanket. He's asleep in his car seat, his little fists closed tightly.

"Yeah." Geoff takes a deep breath. "Burns over forty percent of his body. He'll probably need skin grafts."

"He's not one of those self-healing supers then, I guess?"

Geoff shakes his head. "Those are pretty rare, actually. I'd say only about one in fifty are naturally self-healing."

"I see." I run two fingers over Cam's wispy hair. He stirs, but doesn't wake.

"Hey, so..." Geoff takes my hand, rubbing my knuckles. "I was thinking...for Matt and Tori's wedding — how about we make a vacation out of it? I think we both could use it. And you said you wanted to get away for a little bit anyway."

"But we have two kids now, Geoff." I bite down on my lip. That's no excuse, but I don't like the idea of leaving Cam alone so soon. I'm not like the other high society wives. I can't just leave my kids with a nanny at all hours.

"Yeah, I know." He understands, I know he does. But he's also right. I do need some time away. "We can do the same thing we did last time. Bring Mila with us, so that when we're not around, they can stay with her, but we'll be close by if something goes wrong."

I nod. That's a fair compromise. I don't mind it either. Not when there's actually a couple things to look forward to now. That's what I need. I don't even remember the last time that happened.

≈

We leave exactly a week before the wedding date. Matt's asked Geoff to be the best man, and naturally Geoff accepted. I know they've been close as long as El and I used to be, and the thought of never seeing my best friend fall in love and get married makes my chest ache.

We land in Providence after a three-hour plane ride. I attempt some happiness for Ettie, who's never been on a plane before, and find I don't have to fake most of it. Her excitement is contagious. But while Geoff leaves Mila and I to call Matt and tell him we've arrived, I catch my mind wandering away, with thoughts of El again. She'd been my strength and confidence when I had none, and now that she was gone, I was adrift, lost at sea with no refuge.

"Ready to go?" Geoff says when he comes back, Ettie bouncing over to him and jumping into his arms. "Matt wants me to help him pick out a ring, so..."

"You'd think he'd have done it earlier," I say, schooling my expression into neutrality. It's really for Geoff's benefit — he didn't grieve Daniel's death for very long, and I get the feeling he expects the same of me — but it hurts to do it. "But what can you do."

"He was always for the last minute," Geoff says, setting Ettie down to wheel the luggage cart. "His philosophy was that nothing would ever get done otherwise."

"He's not wrong." I shrug and follow in his wake with Cam's stroller.

"Guess not." Geoff heaves a deep sigh. "But you'd think he'd spend more than a week on his life partner."

"First time for everything."

We have to unload our luggage two more times after that, once onto the shuttle that takes us to the rental cars and again into the car itself. Once everything's done, we barely have room for ourselves. I squeeze into the back with Ettie and Cam, while Mila and Geoff get the front seats. It's much more work this way, but if it means Geoff and I get some time to ourselves, I'm willing to suffer for it.

Geoff leaves us at the hotel as soon as we get there, going to meet Matt downtown for ring shopping. Cam's squirming and complaining by now, and I know it's because he's hungry. I sigh at the thought, remembering when Ettie's teeth began to come in while she was still nursing. Apparently sore breasts and nipples just came with the territory.

While Mila leaves with Ettie to give Cam and I some privacy while he nurses, I can't stop myself from thinking of the way things were the last time this happened. I'd barely been an adult when Ettie was born, still nineteen. I wasn't ready to have another life utterly dependent on me, especially when I was hardly old enough to take care of myself. And Geoff, even though he'd never said it to me, was forced to grow up much faster than he'd intended. In less than a year he'd grown from an average college-age guy to a man having to work full-time to provide for a family.

Right as Cam finishes, the phone rings. I set him on the bed, between two pillows so he won't roll off, and go to pick it up.

"Is this Raina?" says a voice. It's Tori.

"Speaking," I sigh. "Hey, Tori."

"Holding up okay since we talked?" she asks, with genuine concern. "I can't say I know what you're going through, but I want you to know that if there's anything I can do, just let me know."

"Your support's enough." I sit down on the bed, making Cam wriggle and stretch his arms out to me. "But it's not about me right now. I'm happy for you, Tori, really. Matt's a great guy."

"Yeah, he is," she says, sounding distracted. "I was going to ask if you guys wanted to come have dinner with us tonight, but I know you've got a new baby and everything..."

"We'd like that, actually. Geoff thought we needed the break." I have to clamp the phone between my ear and my shoulder as I pick Cam up, rocking him to quiet his mewls.

"He's right, you do." It's Tori's turn to sigh, and for a minute we don't talk. "Listen, about why I called. I need your advice."

"My advice?" That surprises me. No one's ever asked me that. "About what?"

"I'm pregnant," she says after another long pause. "Not enough to show. But I haven't told Matt yet and I don't know how."

"Oh...well..." I can't say I'm the authority. Both times I broke the news to Geoff, the situation wasn't ideal. Neither were we prepared for what came next. "When were you planning on it?"

"After the wedding," she says through an exhale. "He just doesn't need another thing on his mind right now, you know? With all of this."

"Then I'd say..." I think back to what El told me, when I found out I was pregnant the first time. "You just have to come right out and say it. Be blunt. It's what men need sometimes."

"Think that'll work? He didn't want kids...not for a while, anyway..."

"There's no stopping it now," I say, shifting Cam around as he wriggles. "He'll just have to get used to it."

"I guess," she says, and I recognize the uncertainty in her voice. It's the exact same kind I had. "Our kids...ever wonder if they'll inherit the reckless gene? Both our husbands seem to have it."

"Can't discount it." Cam settles down, finally, relaxing in my arms. "Especially if they're super."

"Yeah," she agrees, and I can almost see her nodding. "You said it."

I look down at Cam, his eyes closed and his fists grasping his blanket tightly. He's super, all right. I just don't know what kind yet.