What even is life?

What is it to love life and to live it to the fullest?

I don't know what even is happiness. Is it feeling full and wanting to laugh forever?

Is it being in peace with yourself and the world?

What is.. Love?

How is it to be happy and to love life?

I'd like to know. I'd like to feel full everyday. I'd like to be just.. Happy.

I'm just making my whole life feel like a mess. It's like every good thing that happens to me, I push it away because I think it's fake.

I have good friends. Really good ones. My family is united through it all. So.. What's wrong with me?

Is it all just in my head?

Am I the only one feeling this way?

I can't put in my words what's missing in my world for me to be happy. I don't even know what's going on in my head. It's like a war is happening, but I'm against my own self.

Why do every time I come home, I fall into pieces?

Why do I end up tearing up almost every night?

Am I making my whole mess by myself?

Why am I always worried about everyone and everything?

Anxiety is tearing me apart.

I cannot even put a date on when my world crashed down. I never realized anything until it felt like I had nothing.

It feels like every time I finally take something off of my chest, another walls of my life crashes down. It's like my whole world is too fragile and could break again anytime.

I always feel like everyone around me wear masks and no one is their true self. And I'm no exception..

It's like I always end up saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

It's like I break everything good that happens to me.

I think I break down everyday. I always feel so... Tired, anxious, exhausted? And not always because I didn't sleep enough, but tired of the pressure school and life is putting on us.

I'd like to run away some day and to just quit this life. To build up something totally different, to finally always be my own self and to admit what I really am.

But for now, the only time I feel whole is by watching hockey - or writing to get stuff out of my chest.

I hope that, one day, my chest will be empty and I'll finally feel free.

But for now, I'm stuck in this trap that is my life.