"I want you to know,

you're the heart

to my Temple of Thought.."

-Temple of Thought

Poets of the fall.
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I haven't really watched the walking dead, but if that show has dead or dead looking people walking around, then I probably look a lot like them.

Alive but not really, awake but not really, smiling but not really. I apparently 'shouldn't be wasting my life crying about after all a boy all day and should move on and meet other people', my mothers words of course. I scoff as I'm reminded of the conversation we had yesterday. She acts like she understands how I'm feeling. Ugh.

I felt the sudden urge to scream and laugh and cry all at the same fucking time.

I have been crying a lot less lately but I've become more silent and annoyed. I've noticed that I've become really bitchy and snappy these past days. Every time someone says something stupid, I just get so damn annoyed.

Also I've been on an Internet detox. I hadn't switched on my wifi since the sudden death of my boyfriend. I didn't no want, I still don't want to see or hear what people have to say. People from school who I literally haven't had a conversation with even once were at the funeral sending pitiful glances at me.
I don't want their pity. A few even said things like 'I'm so sorry to hear' are you really? , 'I know what you're feeling and going through, stay strong' no you don't, you don't fucking understand anything. And there was this one girl who said 'its okay babe, people die. Ben really loved you, you know?'

I was minute away from breaking her stupid nose. What does she know about us anyway? Ben didn't even know her.

I hadn't heard from people at school in a while. And I was happy about that.

Speaking of school, mine starts tomorrow. Holidays end tomorrow and school was to start.

I'm so ecstatic to be going back to school omg!

Haha no I'm not. I don't want to go to school! I just want to crawl under a rock and die. I have literally no motivation to leave my house, my bed actually.

Tomorrow is going to suck. I'm not mentally stable enough to talk to people right now. If someone is stupid enough to talk about Ben and I, I might even kill them. So hence it's dangerous for me to be there. I wish my mom understood that. But I guess she doesn't care about others' well being.

Aw I'm so much like her.

Dinner was pretty uneventful. My parents kept telling me it was going to be okay tomorrow. I know it wasn't. I don't need their assurance.

Wow I'm such a bitch.

I will myself to get up and ready my things for tomorrow and once I'm done, I go to bed and eventually feel drowsy and close my eyes, but not before muttering a quick 'goodnight' and 'I Love You' to Ben.

Sleep tight baby. Wherever you are.

•••

I very unwillingly got up and got ready for school. I wasn't feeling like I did yesterday. I was rather nervous and jittery and I was just scared. Lets assume that my life was not real but actually a book. Then obviously people who read won't really think of it as a big deal really. 'Oh my god why is she being such a drama queen? We all go to school'. Well if people thought of it from my point of view or just imagined themselves being in my place, then they'd understand.

My dad offered to drive me. As he was easing the car out of the garage, I heard a noise coming from my phone.

It was Ben's mom; Jessica. I smiled at the concern she still had for me.

It was a text. It read: "Good luck at school hun. I know you're probably really nervous, and that's okay, don't worry too much. Call me later. Bye x"

She's such a munchkin. I typed a quick reply thanking her and telling her I'll call her once I'm back and shoved my phone back into my pocket in the most unladylike manner. My father just looked at me like I was crazy.

'What? I'm sitting and the seat belts are holding me down. How do you expect me to put my phone in my pocket?' Was what I wanted to say but decided against it.

As we pulled up in school, my dad waved me goodbye and told me that everything was going to be okay.

Of course daddy said so, nothing will happen then.

Wow bitchy me isn't far away.

I walked down the very familiar hallways, well aware of people commenting and talking about me. Jeez, don't y'all have a life to live?

I went to my locker and got the books I needed and walked towards class. It's a little early but at least I can pick where I want to sit.

"Mia" a voice called. "Mia here behind you."

I immediately turned back hearing the all to familiar voice. I couldn't help the big smile on my face. A genuine one.

"Caleb!" I ran towards him in full speed and I hugged him so tight.

"Mia, I'm so glad to see you again I was worried you wouldn't turn up. The boys and I have missed you. We were even thinking of dropping by at your place, but we thought you needed some more time and space."

I just hummed. Didn't want to reply. I hadn't seen Caleb since the funeral and he was Ben's best friend and has always cared for me. Just like a big brother would.

He told me he'd walk me to class and I naturally agreed.

It was my 4th class now. The day has been okay so far but because of all these people constantly staring and talking and whispering about me, I just feel very uncomfortable and I can just feel my anxiety building inside.

The teacher finally entered the class, but with some other lady accompanying her.

"Okay class, today since it's your first day back I won't be taking class, but you won't be free to go, Miss Dale here is going to talk to you and coach you on stress management and managing of emotions."

Yay! This is going to be so much fun. Exactly what I need.

I groan inwardly, but decide to listen. She went on and on about how we can manage our timings and how making a time table for our daily routine can avoid stress.

If I made a time table, it would mostly consist of eating and sleeping.

And oh crying over a dead boyfriend.

"Okay so lets talk about feelings emotions. What are the different emotions we feel? We feel happy, sad, angry..."

She went on and on after that. I zoned out. I was starting to feel quite uneasy and restless for some reason.

Sigh. I put my head on the desk groaning once more. When I lift my head, everyone was looking at me and so was Miss Dale. Did I do something?

"Please stand up and tell us your name please." She said smiling very patiently.

Wait what? No! She wants me to stand up? Stand up and talk. Talk in front of all these people? I can't do that? I'm not ready to talk to these strangers if I may call them.

"What's wrong dear?" What's not?
"Please introduce yourself."

Okay Amelia it's no big deal just stand tell her your name and sit down. No biggie.

"Umm.. M-my name i-is Am-Amel-lia." Dammit why is this so hard.

Well It's not my fault I'm not a very public person. I was only comfortable with Ben and some of his friends. He brought me out of my shell. But now his death has just kinda shoved me right back in and sealed it with adhesive.

"Amelia. Nice name. Okay, so I was just talking about abandonment and just generally feelings of loneliness and feeling alone. And when I asked someone to tell me about their experience with a death of someone dear to them and how they coped with it they all just looked at you. If you don't mind me asking, did you lose someone dear?"

I wanted to scream. At this stage I was convinced that my life wasn't real and I was definitely part of some fiction book being written by some teenage girl in her bedroom. I mean seriously, how cliché. What a coincidence.

"Huh, yeah my b-boyfriend."

"Oh sorry to hear." Are you are really?

"So tell us how you're coping." Seriously, how blunt is she?

"I'm not?" I said slightly unsure. I'm not sure what I was unsure of. Oh my god this is confusing me.

"And why is that? I understand how you're feeling but you should try and get better. You'll just find somebody else. Life is like that everyone dies."

Is she out of her mind? How can she say that? Tears were already flowing down my eyes. It's like I'm watching a documentary of memories at the back of my head and I'm reminded of what Ben and I shared. Something so beautiful, so deep. People like her don't have enough depth in them to understand. I started full on crying and hyperventilating.

"H-how can y-you be so in-insensitive? No you don't understand, no one does. You make me sick."

I said before running out of the class. I immediately ran into the toilet and sit on the floor crying and hyperventilating. I realised that I was having a panic attack. I used to have a lot of those before I was with Ben. I try and breathe normally but it doesn't happen.

"Amelia, are you in there?" Caleb's voice called out from the other side. He must have seen me coming in.

"Amelia come out or I will come in now."

I immediately get up open the door and peep out through the crevice just to make sure not many people were around. Seeing as there were only a people around, I ran and leapt into his arms. Well, not literally of course. I sob into his shoulder, while he ushered me out of hallway to somewhere more private.

"T-that l-lady, madam dale, she's so insensitive. How can she just say things like 'p-people d-die but we should just move on and not give a shit about them anymore' to someone who's just lost someone they l-loved? They all think they understand how it feels but they don't. They aren't in my place they don't and just" I stutter out with long pauses.

"I know babe, I know." Was all he said, just holding me, letting me cry into his shoulder, trying to soothe me by rubbing my back.

You're friend is an angel Ben, just like you.
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Hello my Minions! I finally updated! Yay!

No yay! I know I don't have many readers but I seriously apologise to everybody who reads this. I'm sorry. Lots of things happened after school started. Not a good enough excuse I agree but it's all I have.

I'm not going to promise to update soon bc I might be able to keep the promise. But I promise I'll try.

Please tell me if you liked it. Open to criticism. And is this boring? Hope it isn't.

If you're reading this, then thank you and I hope you have an amazing day/night.

Love you❤

-Smruthi x