November 2017

It wasn't easy navigating this new relationship with Olivia. To her, I was 'Ben's best friend'. Or 'the one who calls her zappy'. But these days, eyes too swollen with love for the boy with the blue eyes, she could no longer see through the fakeness of my smiles or the facade I had erected in my eyes. She was far gone from the girl I sat next to in gothic literature—the girl who saw past my walls and knocked them down brick by brick.

But time passed, and with each day, it got a little easier to see her in his arms instead of mine. To see them swap smiles. To not intervene when I heard them fighting through the walls about her wanting to take the next step with Ben resisting, saying it's 'too soon'.

Little did Ollie know, when she left in the evenings after things got heated (in the sexual way), I unfortunately heard too much activity come from his room as he fed the desires he seemed to not cave to with her. He certainly wanted to go further with her... but for some reason he was holding back, pleasing himself instead in the safety of the lonesome night.

The day we finally got a picture from Ollie—courtesy of Marli—that contained the activation circle, it was a welcomed distraction to the racing thoughts. Noise-cancelling headphones locked over my ears, I buried myself into trying to find it, focussing on my new mission to guide her in becoming a 'kick-arse fairy'—another promise I was trying to uphold that Ollie didn't remember.

· · ───── ∘☽༓☾∘ ───── · ·

It didn't take long either. Only a few weeks later, after comparing the image on my phone to the castle ruins on my laptop, I finally thought I found it.

It was late Friday evening, the drizzle was coming down in full force (for London's standards), and I felt my jaw drop in surprise. I was only halfway through Ireland's list of 30,000 castles and ruins.

I ran down a flight of stairs to Erica's room, throwing open the door without knocking and legging it across the room. Sitting on her bed, I turned the laptop screen to face her.

"Um, do you mind?" Erica asked, pulling the sheets up around her chest.

"Not at all," I said, because really? It was nothing I hadn't seen and also I felt nothing for her anymore anyway.

A figure in the bed stirred next to her, his eyes blinking open in the dimness, messy dark hair sticking up in all angles. "Shit," he mumbled. "Did I fall asleep?"

Erica sighed, while I said, "Oran?"

Sitting up, Oran's eyes went wide as he blinked. "Shit, I'm sorry Lukas. I—"

Shaking my head, I held a hand up stopping him. "She's all yours, my dude."

But when I turned back to Erica, wanting to talk about the reason I barged in, her brows were turned down, venom pouring from her glare. "I'm nobody's—"

"Yes, yes. You're your own woman. What I meant is... if you two want to bone, by all means, don't apologise to me. I don't care."

Erica pressed her lips together before hiking up the bedsheets even more.

"Anyway," I stressed, shaking my laptop in front of her to get her attention, "Look!"

Her eyes slowly drifted from my face down to the screen, bulging when it dawned on her. She immediately reached for her phone, opening up the picture and comparing them. "Shit," she then said, meeting my eyes with a smile on her face. "That's it."

I lept off her bed and started running for the door.

"Wait!" Erica called after me, causing me to pause and glance back at her. She clutched at the sheet around her as she bent for her underwear on the ground. "I want to come."

"I'll meet you down there," I said, leaving her room before she had a chance to bicker with me, racing down the stairs again.

I hadn't heard them in Ben's room.

I hadn't heard them on the ground floor.

Nonetheless, I quickly glanced in the kitchen to be sure before running for the stairs to the basement, assuming that would be the last place they could be if they were even home.

Throwing open the media room door, I searched the space, my eyes immediately meeting hers. But the smile on my face fell as I looked at the very evident gap between her and Ben on the couch. Ollie's face was constricted in anger, while Ben was glooming in sadness.

Erica wasn't too far behind me though, pulling me from the racing questions running through my mind before I had a chance to let them fully distract me from the reason I came down.

"What?" Ollie asked.

Grin taking a hold of my face once more, I said, "We found it."

"Found what?"

After walking across the room, I crouched down on the floor beside her. Setting my laptop on the coffee table, I turned the screen to face her, eyes locked on her face as she took it in.

Slowly her expression began to soften as the realisation set in what she was looking at. And Ben leaned over, glancing between it, me, and her, somewhat surprised himself.

Ollie glanced up at me, then to Erica, then to Ben, before looking back at me. "How?" she breathed.

"Consistent time and evenings since you sent the picture... there's over 30,000 castles in Ireland," I explained. "We're lucky it's still in good shape to know this is it. Yet I knew if I just committed to looking at a number of them every night, then eventually I would come across it."

But then, ever so slowly, her emerald eyes began to glisten. The tears pooled around her iris before one snuck out, rolling down her beautiful face.

My smile fell immediately from my face. "Shit... Ollie." Look what you did! Maybe she was scared. Maybe she didn't want you to show her this in front of everyone. Maybe... "I'm sorry," I then said. "I didn't mean to—"

But she raised a hand, cutting me off. "I can't believe you put in so much effort for me," she croaked.

My heart melted at her words and, for a moment, I forgot where we were, losing myself in her evergreen hues. She really thought I would never... How could she think... She needs to know I'd give her the world if she asked me to. But as a small smile took my face hostage and I remembered the people around me, I said instead, "Of course, Ollie. You're my friend. I would do anything for you."

Because she had to start believing that at the very least.

If she said jump, I'd do it.

But then the last thing I expected to happen happened. Her cheeks started to tinge with red as eyes stayed glued on mine. And then her heart drummed a little too loud... a little too quickly.

Did she just... was she just flustered because of me? But before she could show me anything further, Ben's jealous eyes and ears had seen the exchange. He leaned over to her, snaking his arm around her as he forced her to look at him.

And while Ben stroked her face, making too evident of a display of affection and whispering to Ollie that she 'didn't have to do anything about it', my mind was thinking, Does a small part of Ollie still remember me? Still long for me? Even though she is bonded to Ben? Is that why my side won't break?

But as Ben continued to stare lovingly into her eyes and she smiled back at him, I reminded myself: Don't get your hopes up with her anymore, Lukas. Our Ollie is long gone. And she is never coming back.

And then she broke her gaze away from Ben, looking back at me, concern washing her face.

So I lowered my eyes to the ground.

"Where is it and how do I get there?" Ollie then asked.

But I was still numb in my spot, unable to say anything to her. That hope that festered for those brief moments had broken me all over again, and I was mourning that feeling of elation that came with allowing myself to love her.

When I didn't speak, Erica walked over, taking the spot next to Ollie on the couch as she said, "It's called Raphoe Castle. It's in county Donegal. If we take a plane to Dublin, we can then drive up north—"

Ollie shook her head. "Thank you for finding this, but I'll check it out myself."

"You're not going alone, Ollie," Erica said.

"I can't make you come with me. What if I'm not—" I found myself slowly drifting further from the conversation, Ollie's worries about being a hindrance on us filling the room as Erica tried to discredit them.

But then Ben said, "And I'm coming."

Snapping back to reality as I realised plans were being made, I quickly interjected, "Me too."

"You two can't come," Erica barked, making me press my lips together in anger.

While I wanted to start going off at her, a part of me was still nervous about the leverage she held over me. After that night in the alley when I almost killed a human and cried into her afterwards, we never spoke of it again. She never told anyone. But I felt vulnerable under her watch, like one wrong move and she'd alert everyone of my potential 'threat' or make them 'worry'.

Ben growled—actually growled—in response to Erica though, causing her eyebrows to shoot up as she flinched away.

"Okay, lover boy, ease up. You know you'll just cause complications without your pills. A weak, malnourished vampire is no good for us."

Trust Erica to already be anticipating our obstacles. But surely there is a way for us to come. Ollie should have everyone there... I want to make sure she's safe and in my sights, just in case.

"I'm not leaving her alone with you," Ben then said, causing my own eyebrows to raise as I leaned back on my hands, watching the ping pong between the two.

"Hey!" Erica retorted. "Not once have I given you a reason to distrust me."

"I'm coming," Ben then insisted.

When the two continued to glare at each other, I figured it was my chance again. "As am I," I said. But after a quick glance at Olivia, noticing that she had snagged her bottom lip between her teeth and was starting to gnaw at the flecks of skin, I realised she was getting nervous about this all. And us arguing about the logistics was worrying her. So I said, "If Ollie is sprouting wings, I'm not missing it." I winked at her for good measure, hoping it would cheer it up.

Her eyes grew wide as she squeaked, "Wings?"

My heart sighed in relief to realise my distraction had worked momentarily.

But Erica dismissed her concerns as she said, "Don't worry about that just yet." Then she turned her gaze between me and Ben again. "You two know you can't come. And I'm not letting you break into blood banks while we're there for Ollie." I felt as the words came out of her mouth, there was some threat about my previous behaviour lacing it.

So I shrunk away as Ollie asked, "Why can't they just take their pills?"

"Border control," Ben explained. "Sniffer dogs definitely smell them at airport security. And the witches haven't found a cloaking spell for them yet considering they are only a few years old." But then he turned to me. "Do you know any vampires in Ireland with pill access?"

Pressing my lips together, I shook my head before saying, "Afraid not. Only liquid dieters." I could feel Erica's scrutinising stare on my face at the mention of the term.

"Liquid dieters?" Ollie squeaked even higher.

But as Ben started to explain that they are vampires who feed from humans and she shrunk even more into the couch, her heart racing in her chest, I began to feel the self-doubt creep back in.

My actions the other month would have terrified her. It's good she is with Ben. He would have never done what I did. He would have exercised control. He was human enough. I'm just the monster everyone has expected me to become.

Swallowing the thoughts away, I tried again to stay present with everyone. Because even if Ollie would be disappointed in all the things I had done in the wake of us ending, I still had my mission and duty to be her friend. So I said to Erica, "We will feed from the land. Like the old days when Ben and I went around Europe."

"You're not terrorising farmers' livestock," Erica replied, glaring at me.

I could see in her eyes her actual fear—she was worried it wouldn't be the animals I'd feed from, yet, rather, my thirst for human blood still lingered since my last taste.

But then she heaved a sigh. "You two aren't going to cave, are you?"

Ben and I shook our heads, then glanced at each other, slightly amused we had reacted the same.

Erica pressed her lips together and the room fell silent for a while as she seemed to be deep in thought, the only sounds echoing around the place being our heartbeats—Ollie's still going off rapidly.

Then Erica said, "Lukas, you can feed from me."

My eyes grew wide as I breathed, "Erica..."

"If you want to come, that's the deal. Only one vampire is going to feed from livestock. I don't want any newspapers picking up on the abundance of dead farm animals."

But I could hear the other note lacing that. She didn't want human carcasses being dug up in forests... Glancing away from the group, knowing I didn't deserve her trust anymore, I whispered, "Okay."

Erica clapped her hands together. "Right. Now that that's settled, when do we go?"

I turned my attention back to the group in time to watch Ollie open her mouth to speak, but Ben cut her off. "Olivia still has uni until mid-december," he said. "So we can't go until after that."

She slowly closed her mouth, brows working into a crease, annoyance lacing her gaze. But Ben just gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

"Christmas in Ireland then? Sounds brilliant to me," Erica enthused. "Does that work for you, Ollie?"

Ollie nodded, forcing a smile onto her face. But as Erica and Ben continued to talk out finer details, Ollie turned her head away from the group, gaze meeting mine in time to see her smile slip off her face and the hurt echoing in her eyes.

You could have told them yourself, Ollie... I thought. Does he keep answering for you? Is this what you two were fighting about before I showed up? Or is it something else?

But I never found the strength to ask.

Because I was trying to stay out of their affairs.

· · ───── ∘☽༓☾∘ ───── · ·

December 2017

It rarely ever snowed in London, but it did sometimes storm. And sometimes those storms equally occurred inside the house as well as out.

A few weeks later as December ticked over and everyone in a university course entered their study week, things escalated between Ben and Ollie, the raging thunder outside echoing their mood.

Trying and failing to reread my original edition of Jane Eyre, I couldn't help but put it down in the end to eavesdrop. Ollie had tried to push things further again, leading to more accusations from both of them before Ollie burst out in tears and began confessing her deepest secrets. She was vulnerable to her memories, obsessed that Ben would hate her for the things that happened regarding Jacob. We never had such an obstacle over it as she offered that information without me having to pry—and a small part of me felt stupidly proud that I made her feel so safe that she could share with me so easily.

Nevertheless, as I listened to her crying about her ex between the shared wall between mine and Ben's room, stating that her fear of Ben touching her stems from the boy who didn't stop when she asked, I couldn't help but wonder if that really was the true obstacle for them.

Sure, that's all Ollie had to assume was the basis of her responses to Ben. But I didn't need to take her memories of Jacob for us to take the final step—our hurdle only existed because of the darker demon who stole even more of her sense of safety and self-worth on that formidable night.

But that guy was completely wiped from her memory. So it couldn't be him.

So I couldn't help but wonder... Did Jacob really matter that much? Was he really the cause of holding her back from taking the final steps of intimacy with Ben? Or was there still parts of her that she didn't know—the same parts that caused her heart to thud loudly for me the night I told her I had found the castle—that felt it was wrong to be with Ben?

But as I dug myself deep into the curiosity, feeling that hope begin to fester at my heart, feeling the bond glowing bright, tugging me towards her, I had to nip the thoughts in the bud.

Sliding a bookmark into my page as Ben and Olivia finally started to whisper sweet nothings to each other, I pulled on my running shoes, slipped on my headphones, and headed out the door for a late night jog.

"Are you seriously running in this?" Ivan called out to me as I passed him in the foyer. But I ignored his calls, stepping out into the pelting rain, and moving to a jogging pace.

With each step, I reminded myself that what Olivia and I had was long gone.

Her and Ben's relationship wasn't my business.

I had to just focus on being her friend. On helping her become a fairy.

Because any reaction she had to me was like me trying to point out the stars in this cloudy night; I could try all I want, but I'd only be guessing.

With each collision of my foot thudding against the ground, with each breath I inhaled and exhaled, I tried to shake her from my mind.

Brick by brick, I re-erected the wall she had tried so hard to knock down all those months ago, during the time of us.

And I let the rain wash over me, stripping me of the warmth she ignited in my heart, replaced by the chill of the December air.