First, the Listerine.

Next, I used half a tube of toothpaste, brushing my teeth, and brushing some more.

Then I threw up everything I'd... ingested, until bile was the only thing coming up anymore.

Swallow, Callie. Don't spit it out.

That thought only made me gag some more. The thought of having man parts in my mouth was one of the most sickening thoughts in the world, and actually having it happen was even worse.

Most people punish others by giving what Steven calls 'the silent treatment,' maybe they say or do rude things. Last time I checked, you don't get your comeuppance by shoving your dick in people's mouths and stealing what little is left of their innocence, but what do I know?

"Oh god," I moaned before flushing down the atrocities that stared up from my toilet bowl, and stumbled back to the sink. As I gargled more Listerine I couldn't push the thought out of my mind, or even the taste.

That's good, Callie. Oh, use your tongue.

The mental claustrophobia was choking the life out of me. I felt like I was stuck under a glass dome for Cap to watch and control, a dome he kept pinned to me himself with his mind control games. I'd kneeled there, humilated as he used me for his own pleasure, keeping my head in place with a firm hand placed against the back of it.

He'd reasoned that it wasn't real sex, but to me it was just as painful.

What was worse was the fact that I'd betrayed Axl again. I told myself that nothing of that nature would ever happen again and it did, only a few days later. I was a whore, or a sex slave.

I didn't stop until there wasn't an ounce of Listerine to be spoken of, and I couldn't squeeze another drop of toothpaste from the tube. My mouth was so minty it burned to breathe, but I still felt it. I still felt like there was something left of him swirling around in my stomach, though I knew there wasn't.

I had to leave. I suppose I can safely say that this marked the acute decline of my life at home with Cap, if the actual sex hadn't done that already.

I took a long shower and scrubbed my skin till it was bright red and irritated, as if that would help anything. I dressed myself in shorts and a t-shirt before I fled, feeling the urge never to return. I didn't take my badge.

I went to base, but no one was there. I felt like sobbing as I sat there in the spiral staircase, wringing my hands and wondering where to go next. There was no way I'd go back to the apartment, I knew I should probably be at CIA HQ, the sun was high in the center of the sky.

I fell asleep there, cradling myself the way I thought Axl might.

I woke due to a nagging pain in my neck, I guess that's what happens when you fall asleep on concrete steps. I pulled myself onto my feet and stretched the stiffness out of my muscles, assuming there was still no one at base, or they certainly would've woken me up. I trudged up the stairs and into the outside world.

The sun was dipping below the horizon line, and the city lights were just beginning to shine brightly. There was only one more place that I could think of, and I wasn't even sure how to find it.

I didn't bother taking the bus back to the apartment, I just wandered. I had the time to kill.

I started there and then began to wander some more, seaching for the restaurant Axl and I went to. If I found the restaurant I could find the bar, and if I could find the bar, I could probably trace my way back to Axl's apartment, where he most likely was if he wasn't off partying someplace.

My plan ended up working, the only difficult part was actually getting up to his apartment, when clearly the doorman was properly prepared to ward off any female fans.

"Hey! Hey you!" said a man from behind the counter, dressed in a greyish blue uniform. I barely remembered the lobby when I walked in, it wasn't upscale but it was large and informal. I certainly would've remembered this man's dark hair and piercing eyes, glaring at me as I tried to get into the elevator.

I jumped with fright, stepping away from him instinctively. "My... boyfriend... lives here, and I'm trying to go see him." I felt so drained, emotionally and physically I barely noticed that it was the first time I'd ever called him that. He said pet names were for the weak, we never established what we were, we kind of just... existed as a couple.

"Sure, I've heard that one before. Now get lost!" He pointed emphatically toward the door, but I just stood there, shifting my weight from foot to foot awkwardly. "Well... I can't do that, or he'll get upset that I didn't come to him."

"You're really testing me girl," he said, touching the walkie talkie that was attached to his waistband. "Now leave, your I'm calling security on your ass!"

I was becoming irriated, and fast. I used to have a relatively high tolerance for bs, until I met Axl. Then suddenly my fuse was almost as short as his. "Look, you need to calm down sir. I get your year's pay in a week's time! You need to do your freaking job." I glared at him, and he matched my intensity with his own. "Get out!"

"Why don't you use your fancy little radio there to call up to his apartment and tell him I'm here, he'll know who I am. It's either that or I'll stand here all night until you do. Your choice." I crossed my arms for emphasis, and began tapping my foot impatiently.

He grumbled something under his breath before reluctantly picking up the phone on his desk, turning his back to me as he dialed. It was quiet for a few moments before he began to speak. "Hey man, I know you told me never to bother you about this stuff, but there's this crazy chick down here claiming to be your girlfriend or something." I rolled my eyes, wondering if I should just make a break for the elevator while he wasn't looking.

"What does she look like? I dunno, kinda shortish. Long curly hair, black but with a light complexion?"

I studied my nail beds. The spa lady Cap hired for me hadn't been back in a week and a half, I was due for another manicure.

"Oh, you don't have to come down here man, I'm sure it's just a- okay, if that's what you want." The receiver banged as he forecefully placed the phone back down, and turned with an even greater look of disdain on his face. "You got lucky, girl."

The elevator was whirring, and soon out Axl came with a small smile on his face. I looked at him and didn't return it, though I was happy to see him I obviously wasn't in the best spirits. His facial features comformed to worry immediately as he stared at me. "What's wrong, Calliope?"

He knew? Just like that, he could look at me and tell? It freaked me out a little bit.

The doorman retreated upon noticing the fact that he was severely wrong. I went to the elevator and Axl followed, pushing the button for the top floor. I didn't respond, I didn't really know how to. 'The man who was like a father to me shoved his penis down my throat' didn't sound like a good place to start, especially since he didn't even know what was going on between us.

"Calliope," he said again softly, placing a hand on my arm. I quickly brushed him off, moving to the other side of the elevator. I wanted to be with him, and I didn't at the same time.

He sighed and the elevator doors parted, revealing a full house. Everyone but Jon was piled high on Axl's couch, laughing loudly and sharing drinks, smoking something that smelled way stronger than any cigarette ever could. Steven puffed on their tiny white little makeshift cigarette, and let out a slight cough. "Hey Callie, you wanna hit this?"

"No, she doesn't," Axl snapped, but I wasn't in the room anymore. I'd stormed past them into the kitchen, and opened up the fridge. "You have anything to eat?" It was pretty lonely in there, nothing but packages of weird meats, peanut butter, and milk that looked like it was produced during the stone age.

"Nah, I pretty much go out every time I get hungry." I groaned, closing the fridge more forcefully than I probably should have. I felt so inexplicably angry, frustrated, violated, hurt. I didn't know how to express any of it to him.

I leaned against the counter, placing both hands over my eyes and pressing my fingers into them. I was so mad at Cap I could hardly breathe, and the sound of more coughing, drinking and laughing coming from the front room was only making it worse. The smell was sickening, and gave me an immediate headache that only multiplied.

"Calliope." He nodded toward the darkened hallway which I followed him down. We went into the very last door, which was obviously his bedroom. I could describe it as nice- which it was, very spacious with a canopy bed and several big windows. It's just that there were cigarette butts everywhere and Bud Light cans scattered across the floor as well as mounds of clothes that I didn't assume were clean. I didn't care.

I just stood there with my arms crossed, jumping backward when he tried to touch me again. He didn't accept that this time, and approached carefully stopping just a few inches from my body. "Relax. It's just me." It took me a while, but I mustered the strength to look up into those wide windows of his called eyes, and the moment I did I was a puddle of melted candle wax.

I exhaled before I threw my arms around his neck, crushing myself into him. His arms were around me instantaneously, his cheek was pressed against mine.

"Do... do you ever feel, just... trapped? Like nothing's ever gonna change, like this one person is going to control you, keep you locked up in their convoluted grasp forever? Never let you think for yourself, or... just... it's maddening! I just... I can't..."

He pulled away slightly to stare at me curiously. "Who? Who is making you feel this way?" His touch was so soft as he brushed stray hair out of my face, his eyes were hard and serious. I pulled away completely and wandered toward the bed with a sigh. "I can't tell you, but that's not what matters. What matters is that I hate it, and I don't know how much more of it I can stand."

I sat on the edge of the bed and he kneeled in front of me. I cringed as he did so.

"Calliope, you're supposed to trust me. Out of all people now, you're supposed to confide in me." I wanted to ask how he knew this, but I didn't. I just ran my fingers through his silky hair and wished I could confess. I wanted to vent to him, I wanted to be able to tell him everything without having to tiptoe around certain details.

I wished that he wasn't The Rebel Sergeant, and I wished I wasn't Calliope Jackson. I just wanted him to be Axl, I just wanted to be Callie. It wasn't that simple.

I touched his face, and I shook my head. "I can't, I just can't."

"You can't or you won't?" he snapped as he stood, throwing me a sharp glance. He was remorseful a second later as he sat beside me, putting his arm around my shoulder. "Sorry, it's just... how am I supposed to make you feel better if you won't tell me anything?"

"Well... why would you wanna do that?"

He let out this exasperated chuckle, shaking his head slightly. "You're supposed to come to me, Calliope. I want you to." I shivered at the word 'come,' I swore I'd heard Cap say it just before something warm and salty shot down my throat.

I didn't respond. I just drew my knees into my chest and hugged them.

He said nothing more, gathering me into his arms and setting me on his lap. He grabbed one of my legs and moved it across his body so that I was straddling him, but did nothing sexual. He just held me, resting his forehead against mine. His eyes fell closed.

"What are you doing?" I whispered, his eyes remained shut but his fingers gave my waist a reassuring squeeze. "Helping you in the only way you'll let me." His arms wrapped around my shoulders, and suddenly I was enveloped in him in the best way possible. "But... you're not kissing me," I said; unfortunately thus far I'd been lead to believe that intimacy and sex were the same thing. They couldn't be more different, depending on who you're with.

"I know." He simply said. We did not move for the longest time.

****

Time passed, and things changed in good ways and in bad ones.

I stopped going to the CIA, I could no longer stand the thought of betraying Axl, we were practically conjoined at the hip anyway. That, and... I couldn't bear one moment next to Cap anymore.

It was like a game: avoid the Cap. The more quickly I could get into the apartment, grab a few hours of sleep, and get out the better. Sometimes I'd wake up with Axl in my bed, sometimes I wouldn't. I'd skip breakfast, take a hot shower and leave to go find Axl, if he wasn't already with me.

Sure, some of our time was spent doing illegal things like bugging telephones, but other times were great. I'd never gone to a shopping mall before, eaten complete junk food from McDonald's, ding-song-ditched with a group of shaggy-headed rock junkies or defended what was mine from whores walking the streets, but Axl showed me those things.

Of course, this was a real strain in me and Cap's 'relationship,' which I was still in denial over. He liked to give me the silent treatment but when I didn't give a fuck about that, he'd try confronting me. I still didn't care, I just left the apartment.

Axl pushed me into getting my belly button pierced, and I did just so that I could have the experience. He pressured me to try straightening my hair once, and I did so I could say that I had before. I hated the way I looked, but that's not the point. I really was having the time of my life, despite the occasional bitter Cap moment.

All the phones were bugged, yet no final plan was in place. I was okay with that, I supposed I still had to find a way to stop them without completely wrecking my relationship.

I walked into base to find everyone there, but they weren't lounging, drinking or talking like they usually would be. They had black duffel bags thrown over their shoulders. "What's up with you guys?" I yawned, naturally migrating toward Axl first. He gave me a quick peck as he rushed past, grabbing something else to shove in his bag.

"We're hitting L.A for some shows," Slash responded after no one else did, kicking his feet up on the couch to have a smoke.

Well, I was pissed. They were leaving, and no one cared to tell me? I shot Axl an accusing glance which he met with a disarming smile. "I was... totally gonna tell you, it jut slipped my mind." Steven narrowed his eyes, crossing his arms. "Fuckin' liar. He's been runnin' around it for days figuring out how to tell you, but-"

Duff slapped him on the back of the head, "Snitching is highly frowned upon in our profession."

"Okay, well... see you when you get back." I pretended not to care. It wasn't that Axl had waited to tell me, it was that I was gonna have to find a place to be for however long they were planning to be away. "Calliope." Axl cocked his head, wrapping his fingers tightly around my wrist. "You're coming with us."

Steven nodded his blonde head, "I think that was the solution."

I laughed, and then laughed some more. "I can't just ditch D.C, Cap would go nuts if I just disappeared." That's right... Cap would go nuts. Would that be so terrible, considering that he'd been giving me such hell lately? "Fuck Cap," Izzy chimed in. "Dude sounds like an insufferable douchebag." Never had I been so glad to not be wearing my microphone.

Axl just wrapped his arms around me, shoving his hands in the back pockets of my jeans. "If you don't, you're gonna miss me for a week." I jumped. "A week? What about Operation KSC?" Everyone exchanged glances, and gave a few shoulder shrugs.

"Well, the Justices aren't planning on being in the same place at once until September twenty-second, so that gives us two weeks. One week in LA, and we'll be back before you know it." I looked up into Axl's pleading eyes, nibbling my lip pensively. I'd never been anywhere other than Washington D.C, I was born and raised there.

"Come on," Axl baited me. "Just so you can have the experience?" I grinned.

"Just so I can have the experience." Axl gave a curt nod. "Alright, we're going now."

They all crowded toward the door but I just stood there. "But... aren't I supposed to bring clothes?" Axl just shrugged, twisting open the thick door. "Yeah, but we'll get you some California clothes while we're there." Izzy giggled pervertedly, nodding along enthusiastically. "Yeah, get her a string bikini." Axl's smile dropped so quickly Izzy straightened like a pole, and stiffly followed him up the stairs.

I just laughed, and went along with it.

****

I stood there on the Tarmac, nervously watching as all the crew members placed the band's stage equipment and luggage in the back of the plane. After they were all done, the guys began to board the plane. I wondered why Jon was here, he had is own band to be with but I didn't say that to him. Even months after Axl and I got together, my interaction with Jon was extremely minimal.

The plane was little and cute, plastered with the band's logo. It was sleek and obviously expensive, and probably safe. I'd just never stepped foot on one before in my life.

Axl was halfway up the plane's stairs when he realized I wasn't behind him. The plane's engines were roaring to life, his red mane was blowing in the wind. He looked back at me on the Tarmac, squinting his eyes at me. "What are you waiting for, Calliope?" His voice drifted over the wind, and I could barely hear. I shrugged, "Um... I don't... know?"

He came back down the stairs and right up to me, placing both hands on my shoulders. "It'll be fine," he said in a soothing voice, letting his hands run down the length of my arms. "I do this all the time, nothing bad ever happens." It's a familiar tone, the one he used right before a scary man with tattoos pushed a needle through some skin on my stomach.

"I'm not scared, you idiot," I swatted at his arm playfully. "I'm just... soaking it in." He scoffed and put his hand in mine, interlocking our fingers slowly. "Soak it in from the inside, we've got shit to do in L.A." I was beginning to feel a bit anxious as we scaled the stairs, but smiled to cover it up. "You mean you guys have shit to do, I'm just along for the ride."

The inside of the plane was nice, more spacious than you would guess. There were two cushiony seats per tiny window, and a coffee table in front of each one. Slash glanced back at us disapprovingly, adjusting his top hat to keep it from falling off. "How come you get to bring your girlfriend? We're stuck without lady company for a week."

"Your girlfriends are sluts who you cheat on twenty-four seven," Axl pointed out as he lead me by the hand to our pair of seats. Steven nodded understandably, plopping down next to Izzy. "Yeah, well... they're sluts!"

"Well, mine isn't a slut." I felt deep down inside that he was lying. I consoled myself after a few seconds; it happened once, and it was practically rape. I didn't want to, but... Cap forced me to take it. At that point I would probably fight him off if he tried it again, yet I was still taking those weird pills he gave me at twelve o'clock every day.

I took the window seat and he settled in right beside me, letting his head rest on my shoulder. He looked up at me with an unprecedented smile, which I questioned immediately. He didn't do that often, not unless were were drunkenly dancing or kissing. "What?" I said warily, peering down at him. "Nothing, I'm just glad you came is all." He put up the arm rest between us and placed his arm around me, kissing my forehead softly.

The plane lurched forward and so did my stomach, but I smiled up at him all the while.

****

"Troubadour?"

"Yeah man. Best Nightclub in West Hollywood."

California was definitely the strangest place I'd ever seen. There were palm trees swaying in the wind, tall and bendy palm trees. The people were way less clothed than they were in D.C, women walking down the streets in nothing but Daisy Dukes and bikini tops, long hair and sunglasses. Everyone seemed to be having a good time, cruising down the streets in their topless cars.

The air was sticky, but it smelled salty. Everyone seemed to have a place to be, everyone looked famous. Everyone had a purpose.

Our hotel was right across the street from the Troubadour, a tall sprawling building with even more palm trees out front, complete with artificial waterfalls and colorful rocks. I'd seen the room Axl and I were sharing, and I was slightly boggled by the concept of a hotel room, it was way more cramped than anything I was used to.

The orangey sun was already setting, people were passing us by. "Tonight?" I turned to look at them all. "Yeah, we go on in about... two hours, actually. Let's hit it." Axl took my hand and we crossed the street, only to discover a crowd of fans waiting to get into the club and a mob of paparazzi just waiting for the starts to arrive.

I planted my feet to the ground when I saw that, shaking my head with wide eyes. "Oh hell no, paparazzi? You know how I feel about cameras," I hissed to Axl under my breath just as they realized our arrival. "Relax, you're with me. I know things are pretty chill back in D.C when it comes to the fans, but this is Hollywood. I played this club when I was little more than a nobody, not to mention Whiskey a Go-Go, and now I'm back. People are going to be excited."

I took my hand away from his and crossed my arms, watching my feet as they kicked at stones irritatedly. I should've expected some amount of publicity, I just wasn't prepared for it. "Come on, lighten up. Please?"

I could barely even hear him over the sounds of cameras snapping and female fans screaming his name. I nodded anyway and offered a slightly smile. "That's my girl," he winked, and reluctantly I followed him inside.

****

"Now, stay here, alright? Don't go anywhere, I'm only gonna play for an hour or two, and then we'll be back." Axl kept looking over his shoulder at all the passing people, I kept trying to assure him that no one would even notice me backstage but he refused that. He said that men were three times as antsy in Hollywood than anywhere else, especially in a Nightclub.

Steven patted the top of my head. "Don't get sucked in to anyone, and don't get raped!"

Duff creased his eyebrows, letting his mouth fall open again. "What kind of fucking advice is that? 'Don't get raped'? You've got some serious problems, man." Axl just ignored them both, leaning in for a kiss. "Remember. Don't move." He left me sitting on top of a gigantic stereo of sorts, squeezing my hand before he and the guys left for the stage.

I told him Jon could keep me company, but that was the opposite of ideal for him.

Not five minutes after he went on, someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned to a man with long bleach blonde hair and glaringly blue eyes, wearing a bandanna just like Axl's. "'Scuse me doll, but I'm gonna need that."

Bret Michaels had the oily smooth voice of a player.

~fin~