"You will sit here, and you will sort the files on the justices. Make a note of what is good, ignore the useless. Don't move, and don't talk to anyone. Got it?"

There was another computer in a room down the hall, the one in the front room wasn't the only one they had.

The ride back to base was one of the most awkward experiences in my life, a silent, uncomfortable half an hour in which I tried to avoid Jon's and the Sergeant's eyes at the same time. I sat there with my hands folded neatly in my lap so that Jon couldn't reach out and touch them, and the Sergeant wouldn't think I was trying to get him to touch me. But why did I care?

"Sort them... how?" I asked, but the Sergeant had already left the room, slamming the door behind him. Sighing, I settled down into my chair and went to work sorting. I was hoping the tons of information would help take my mind off of things, but it didn't, since the information was useless to me. I ditched sorting and started to focus on figuring out what the Sergeant wanted with these files.

And then I was guiltily thinking about Jon. How could such a kind and considerate person like him, with such a humble backstory... how could he have fallen in with the RUG? That's the only thing we didn't talk about.

And for the longest time, my fingers weren't even near the keyboard. I was looking around the tiny, cluttered little room, wondering things. Did the guys live here, because there certainly wasn't enough room for that. Did they have lives, other than spying and rock music? There were piles and piles of paperwork, with layers of dust suggesting they'd been there longer than I'd been alive.

The thought of men was too much for me. I started to think that Cap was right, that I should've just been a proper lady, and remained locked up in my apartment, shying away from daylight. I wouldn't have to deal with confusing emotion this way, I wouldn't go on rigorously exciting heists, talk about movies, run from mobs of crazed fans, swim in fountains.

I wouldn't have my first kiss.

I would grow old in that apartment, never experience a single thing life had to offer. I'd lived more in that past month than I head in my entire seventeen years, and while during those experiences I wasn't always happy, looking back on them made me feel like more than a 'proper lady' could ever be.

I gasped at the sound of the door banging against the wall again, springing to my feet to face the perpatrator.

The Sergeant was silent as he gently closed the door behind him, and just stood there. I didn't think he could gently do anything. He stood there, only he didn't look like himself anymore. He looked like a man, and his features were relaxed. Just like when he was asleep.

He made no attempt to say anything so neither did I. I stood there studying the way the computer's blue light reflected off of his eyes and hair. I couldn't read his emotions, I couldn't see the anger or frustration written into him like I usually could. He was just there.

And then he was on me. He was lifting me by the waist as if I weighed nothing, and setting me ontop of the desk behind us. He hands were everywhere at once, but his lips were in one spot- on mine. I didn't have time to think, our mouths were moving faster than my mind could. So I was forced to deal with reality, the Sergeant's hands moving down to my legs and hips, then up to my waist. He was deliciously pressed against me, I never wanted space between us ever again.

His mouth was warm and tasted like everything sweet, the stubble lining his jaw and lip tickled my face as we kissed. But none of these things were the problem.

The problem was that it felt okay, and that after a while my mind calmed down. I knew exactly what I was doing, though I really didn't. It was my first kiss, and it was amazing. It was way more than just one kiss, it was an expression of freedom. I had to freedom to kiss a guy, if I wanted to.

I only stopped when I realized I'd just wasted a crucial milstone in a girl's life on a bastard who didn't give two craps about me.

It took a lot of effort to end the kiss, because once he felt me pulling away he just pressed himself against me even harder. I removed his hands from my hips, holding them around the wrists tightly. "Stop, just stop!" He froze for a second before withdrawing a few inches. We were both breathing heavily, just staring at each other again. He said nothing. I said nothing.

He looked okay for a few seconds, before something terrible consumed his facial features. He tore his wrists out of my hands, and he left the room. The door slammed.

I was gasping, over and over again. I stood and slid off of the desk, pacing the little room a few times before I forced myself to take a seat at the computer again. It had gone dormant during our... activities, so I pressed the power button and it came to life.

It was so surreal, and I didn't know what to think. Maybe I shouldn't have stopped him, maybe I should've waited a little while longer. Maybe I was wrong to push him away, because him kissing me signified that he did give two craps about me.

I brought a shaky hand up to my mouth, and gently traced where his lips had been. Was this how Baby felt the first time Johhny Castle kissed her? Johnny pretended to hate her at first, or maybe he did until he started teaching her to dance. I thought that this had to be it, as if all of life's experiences had to be some rendition of 'Dirty Dancing.'

I had to go, I had to go home and think on it. I turned off the compuer again and stood stiffly, peering out into the hallway to make sure no one was lurking. It was pitch black out there, so I slipped out, creeping into an equally as deserted front room. I felt my way through the room blindly, until my fingertips touched something cold and smooth.

I gripped the doorknob and managed to open it, disappearing up the staircase.

****

Cap was on a business trip, so I was alone. I was free to bang my head against the wall in frustration without any risk of being interrupted, so I did. I rolled back and forth restlessly in my bed, I nearly drowned myself in the bathtub, watching as bubbles lazily drifted from my nose to the surface of the water. I cried a little too, and I missed the Sergeant a lot.

I was mad at myself for missing him, I swear I talked myself out of 'love' and right back into it a million times, tugging at the roots of my hair just as I'd seen him do.

I was dreading my return to base, but I knew I had to, remembering what happened last time I skipped because of a personal conflict. Would he be there, what would he do?

I nearly cried again when I thought about Jon. He was so kind, and liked to hear about me, and took me places. He was a real person with real emotions, and I thought I was squandering them. He liked me, and he never tried to hide it. He was better for me, and I knew it, yet I didn't want him. I wanted the person who truly showed me what I was missing in life by setting my insides on fire with his kiss.

I felt that he didn't want me, but that was of no consequence.

I laid in bed, motionless until I absolutely had to leave, or I'd risk being late. I physically dragged myself out of bed, still a bit puffy-eyed, and sat on the windowsill. I slid down the drainage pipe and landed squarely on my feet. I took a bus to base, and tried to make a pact to myself. I wouldn't cry, or look at him funny- I wouldn't even mention it, unless he brought it up.

Slowly I went down the spiraling stairs and into the front room where everyone already was, lounging around. I wondered what they were doing just sitting around when we had work to do, but I didn't ask.

The Sergeant wasn't in the room, but the rest of them were. Jon was seated before the computer, and turned when I came in. I wondered if he'd be angry with me, but he wasn't. He smiled kindly, just as as always had, giving me an informal wink before he turned back to his work. I forced myself to return the gesture for the mere purpose of being civil, but I instantly regretted it when I saw the Sergeant standing there, watching me.

He looked... well, the only way I could describe his appearance would be to say that it was identical to the vacant look on Francis L's face, right before he shoots himself in The Kid's basement. He stared at me for the longest time, and I stared right back, at a loss for actions.

"We're going," he growled so lowly that I could barely hear. "Right now." He went to the door and I followed him to it, but no one else did. Jon looked up at me again, or at least I thought he was. That wary look in his eyes couldn't have possible been for me.

The Sergeant was silent the entire ride to the Judiciary building. There wasn't the sound of conversation from the rest of the guys, because they weren't there. The radio was turned off. There was only the sound of the van's engine roaring and purring, and the Sergeant's occassional expulsion of cigarette smoke.

He was silent as we sat in the van behind the last Judiciary building, swigging a can of something alcoholic. The silence was unbelievably loaded, I knew that much. When he finished his alcohol and the last cigarette in his carton he threw them both out the cracked window forcefully, and commenced with the uncomfortable staring.

After about a minute or so I cracked, sighing as I massaged my temples. "What is it?"

"It's you. You're the problem here." His eyes were lethal, as was his body language. He was lethal.

"I... I was perfect at my job, until you came along, Calliope. No one could alter my thinking, no one could weasel their way into my mind. But you do, Calliope. You make me do stupid things, you make me think stupid things! You make me weak, and I feel it every time I look at you! I... I can't look at you without being weak, which makes me an incapable leader to my men, which means I can't look at you!" He was breathing like a marathon runner, like me after three blocks of running the day before. His cheeks were thoroughly flushed, but other than that I couldn't read him.

"You're lashing out at me because you're-"

"No, you shut your damned mouth for once in your fucking life! You don't get to tell me anything, Calliope, I'd be better off not seeing you another day in my life, but I... I can't look at you, and I can't send you away. You've made me soft."

I wanted to tell him that he made himself soft, but I was too hurt for that. He basically called me a nuissance that he couldn't rid himself of, and that didn't exactly feel good to hear.

"So Jon, huh? That's your preferred guy?" I groaned, placing my hand on the door handle to leave the van. "Okay, we're not talking about this." He quickly pressed a button on the dashboard and all the interior doors were locked, preventing my escape. "Oh yeah, we're talking about this, right here and now! He's a... his band is inferior, he is inferior!"

"Oh come now, Slippery When Wet is just as good as Appetite," I proclaimed, and he waved away the notion. "Fuck no, it's not even close! He's no where near as hot as I am, that's for one. He kind of looks feminine in certain lights, no one can deny that. What the hell are you doing... with him?"

"I don't have to tell you, and you frankly shouldn't care, since I make you so weak, and incapable of living life." "I didn't say that, don't fucking put words in my mouth," he snapped, while I wondered what the heck that meant. "Yeah, you said that!" "He's nothing, he's practically nothing!"

"No, he isn't! He... listens to me, and he smiles at me. He talks to me, he laughs with me, he takes me places, he shows me things without making me feel completely incompetent! He's nice, and sweet, and a kind person, and... he drinks lemonade."

He was laughing, all of a sudden. He was laughing hysterically and glaring at me all the while, laughing until I plugged my ears to escape the sound. It was horrible, mocking and cruel. "You like him because he's soft, is that it? You want a guy who pumps up your ego, and does soft ass shit with you? That's not what you really want Calliope, and I know it!"

"You know nothing about me, and you don't want to." He stopped laughing so abruptly, the silence was just as unpleasant as his mockery.

"I won't lower myself, Calliope. Not for some naive chick who doesn't know what the hell she wants."

"And I... I won't lower myself for you." I pulled up on the lock near the window, and left the van. "Calliope!" I heard him yell, just as I slammed the door behind me.

I stormed toward the building, willing myself not to cry. I was willing myself not to care, I was willing myself not to think, but it was no use. I heard his car door open and slam, and the sound of his boots pounding against the pavement. "Calliope, stop right fucking now! You don't walk away from me while I'm talking to you!"

I spun around to face him, feeling anger surge through me in a way that was both extremely frightening and empowering. "You... you are no doubt the worst person I've ever met!" He was charging right for me when I placed both hands against his chest and pushed hard, causing him to stumble backwards. I advanced on him, gritting my teeth.

"You're rude, you're inconsiderate, you act like you're better than the entire world just because no one understands you!" I pushed him again, and he growled in frustration. "You mock me, you call me stupid, you treat me like I have a mental disorder when you're the one who does!" Another push.

"You isolate yourself from everyone in the world, and you're scared! You're scared of me, because I care! You lash out at me because I care, you... you say hateful things to me because I care!" He just glared at me without words, balling his fists tightly. "I used to care," I continued on, shamefully shaking my head.

"I don't know what the hell got into you last night... but I wish it never happened." I went to push him away again, but he swatted both my hands roughly, advancing on me. "Ow," I whimpered, clutching my stinging hands to my chest. He looked remorseful for half a second, before the hatred returned and planted itself firmly.

He was inches from me when he stopped. "Bitch," he spat, with a voice so gravelly I barely knew he was speaking. "You're nothing but a spoiled fucking bitch. I wish I never laid eyes on you." His shoulder bumped mine painful as he passed me, striding quickly to the Judiciary building.

I was beside myself. I don't know who it was that just said all those things to him, but it wasn't me. All the emotion swept through me a final time before exiting, and left me feeling like a shopping bag floating in the wind.

I knew that I would never go back to the Rebel Underground, once this file was his.

****

Why had I wanted to be a field agent anyway, when I had everything I ever wanted right in front of me? I was surely taking things for granted, the things that no other child could call themselves having. A bedroom the size of a one-story house, money, a million jars of scented lotion and twice that in tubes of makeup. Gourmet food, served to me on a silver platter.

Sit like a lady. Stand up straight. Don't play with your hair, Callie.

Sure, I had to comply with rules similar to the standard women lived by in the eighteenth century, but I was happy. I lived simply, I didn't need the chaos that the modern world offered me. I could be pleased with a surplus of different shades of the same red lipstick, and a comfortable bed to sleep on.

Eat salad with your salad fork, eat souffle with your dessert fork.

I didn't miss him, right? I didn't miss that... glaring superiority that always outshone everyone in the room? I wasn't thinking about him before I went to sleep at night, and he wasn't the first thing on my mind in the morning. I'm sure Cap was right when he said I shouldn't be a field agent, it was certainly too much for me to handle.

Normalcy was for the general public. I told myself that I wasn't the general public.

After I returned from what was in my mind my last mission as an agent in the field, I closed my window as forcefully as I could. That's when the warm tears began to course down my cheeks. I locked the window as tightly as possible and drew the curtains, stripping down to my underclothes before I threw myself into the bed.

The sobbing became uncontrollable after that. His words were the only thing I heard, taunting me relentlessly.

I said get lost! You can come back tomorrow at nine, sharp. If you're late, don't bother coming in.

That's pathetic, what are you? Some kinda loser?

You come when you're wanted, you got that? You come when I need you to serve a purpose, but when I don't? Stay the hell out of my way, and mind your own damned business!

You're nothing but a spoiled fucking bitch. I wish I never laid eyes on you.

I wished to God that the voices would stop, I never wanted more to be left alone. I shoved a pillow over my head, staining the satin sheets with my eye makeup.

So I whispered the things that Cap said to me out loud, and slowly the pain began to leak from my system.

"You're a beautiful girl, Callie. Any man would be lucky to have you. Smile, your teeth are gorgeous, darling." The sobbing reduced itself to nothing, and I was just staring at the ceiling of my bedroom. "You're a beautiful girl, Callie. Any man would be lucky... to have you." I choked again, clutching a pillow to my chest.

I thought of times during my childhood when I was upset. Cap would stay with me sometimes during the night, sitting up in the front room reading a newsaper by the light of a lamp. He did this mostly when I was sick, but sometimes he would just be there. Dragging my favorite stuffed bunny by the arm I would go to him, and he would look at me and smile. I would crawl into his lap and he would hold me there, resting his chin on top of my hair. He would go on reading the newspaper while I fell asleep, listening to the rhythm of his heart beating.

I never wished for his company so desperately in my life until then. I didn't even ask where he was going when he informed me of his leaving, I was too preoccupied by getting to base as fast as I could. I wondered how that made him feel, after my being dependent on him for so long.

"You're a beautiful girl, Callie," I whispered, just before sleep overcame me.

****

I felt sick, when the morning came around. I felt like I'd been hit by a dumptruck, I could barely even wiggle my fingers. I felt like I'd been mentally slapped in the face by the outside world, an entity I never wanted to face again.

I sat in the bathtub for the little while. I put my head under again, I closed my eyes. I came up for breath, I put my head under again, I closed my eyes. Until the water was cold I did this. I left the bath, I wrapped myself in a towel, I returned to the bed, I slept.

Clank.

My eyes flew open, and I looked around in a daze. Some hours had passed since I'd fallen asleep, and the sun had been replaced by a sky full of stars, shining their cold light from millions of miles away. I didn't know what had woken me up until I heard the sound, issuing from my window.

Clank. Clank.

I got out of bed and pulled back the curtains, just as a rock flew up and hit the surface of the glass.

Clank.

"Yo, Calliope! Get the hell up!"

I was sure my heart had stopped cold in my chest when I undid the locks and opened the window, only to see the Sergeant standing below my window.

~fin~