TW. Mentions of suicide attempts;

December 3rd, 2021
1.

It's a random number. It has a lot of sevens in it, I notice. I get a sick feeling.
This isn't just a spam call.
"Hello?"
"Don't freak out."
My heart races, I recognize the voice. I know what's coming.
"He's got a gun. We can't find him."

2.

I'm crying already. My hands shake as I dial the next number.
She answers.
"He's got a gun. He turned his location off. They can't find him."
"We have to go."

3.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system—-

4.

Call declined.

5.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system—-

I text in vain.

"Don't do this."
"I love you."
"Please don't do this."

6.

The number with all the sevens calls again. I pick up.
"His mom can track him. We're all going. Where are you?"
"I'm 3000 miles away."

7.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system—-

8.

The number with the sevens calls again. I decline.

9.

"The police are on their way. We know where he's going. We're driving right now. We'll keep you updated. Try to stay calm."
I want to scream.

10.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system—-

11.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system—-

12.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system—-

13.

The number with the sevens.
"His mom says the police are on their way."
"I know."
"He's gonna be okay."
Don't say things you don't know.

14.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system—-

15.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system—-

16.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system—-

Hours go by. People keep texting me. I ignore everyone.

I sit in the bathtub mumbling "he's already dead. He's already dead."

MK texts. "How are you?"

I open it. I tell her: "I think he's already dead."

More hours go by.

17.

"They found him." She says, but I don't feel better. "They're taking him to the hospital."
I don't feel better.

I'm only 18. I'm only 18. I don't know what to say I don't know how to handle this.

I drink my first glass of wine in my life. It makes me dizzy and I don't like it.

No contact.
They don't know for how long.
No contact. I'm dying. I'm angry. I'm tipsy. I'm 3000 miles away from home.
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Weeks pass. I'm not allowed to be sad anymore. I'm not allowed to mourn the person I thought I knew. I'm not allowed to be angry.
I smile, so as to not set him over the edge.

I'm not okay, don't you see? Don't you see how bad I'm hurting?

I taste moscato 3 and a half months later. I'm brought back to that horrible night in California. I'm reminded of those 17 phone calls. I give the rest of my glass away.

He's irritable now.
He yells at me now.
He tells me that I bring him back to that state because I can't move on.

I'm forced to apologize, and lay awake at night with my thoughts.

I flinch when I get a phone call and it has the number seven.

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If you're thinking of taking your life, reach out to me. I'll always talk. Know that you are loved. Know that someone will be devastated to lose you. Know that there are people who care.