#RTG13 Chapter 13

"Someone seems to be in a good mood," Sean said nang maka-pasok ako sa condo namin. I placed my bag on the chair at agad akong lumapit sa kanya. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. "What happened today?" he asked.

Sean and I had been married for more than a year already... And it's been great so far. Our system worked—we could be as busy as we wanted during the weekdays, but during weekends? That's for us only. Wala dapat na trabaho...

"Atty. Gulmatico called me to his office today."

Sean frowned. "Why?"

I laughed. "He's a harmless old man," I told him. Kasi nga sumasama ako kay Sean kapag pumupunta siya sa Wack Wack kaya kilala niya na rin si Atty. Hindi siya big fan, to say the least. Tama nga kasi si Sancho na mahilig si Atty sa mga beauty queens... At sabihin na natin na pasok siguro ako sa requirements doon. Kasi nga second plan ko talaga 'yang modeling o pageant kung tinamad akong maglaw school.

"Still."

"Anyway," I said, not wanting to focus on that topic. "He asked me if I'm interested on being a midlevel associate," I continued. Naka-kunot ang noo ni Sean. "That means I'll handle my own team!"

Sean's face lightened up. "That's good!"

I vigorously nodded. "I know!" sabi ko kasi totoo naman na napagod talaga ako sa pagta-trabaho doon. Gabi na ako umuuwi palagi. Syempre, hindi lang naman ako nakikipagclose sa mga partners... Sinasamahan ko rin ng trabaho. Alam ko naman na maiissue ako sa office dahil mabilis iyong pagkaka-promote ko... I made sure na lang na sinasabayan ko ng trabaho para wala silang masabi.

"Does that mean you'll be able to go home earlier?" he asked.

"Why?" tanong ko. Ngayon lang kasi nabanggit sa akin ni Sean 'tong topic na 'to. Ang usual na uwi ko kasi ay 8pm na... Minsan umaabot ng 10pm pero madalang naman.

He shrugged. "It'd be nice to have dinner with my wife."

I nodded. "I think..." I said, although 'di ko rin talaga sure kasi si Atty. Yuchengco naman kahit medyo mataas na ang posisyon, parang late pa rin namang umuuwi... Para ngang mas mataas ang posisyon mo, mas late kang uuwi kasi mas managerial na iyong status mo. Unless partner ka na talaga sa firm.

Pero ayokong pag-usapan namin ngayon kasi masaya lang ako. I wanted to celebrate tonight.

"Let's go out?" I asked Sean.

"Now?" tanong niya. "It's 10 already."

"Pretty sure there are lots of places still open," sabi ko sa kanya sabay hatak patayo.

Sean groaned, but nonetheless complied. Nakapagpalit na si Sean, pero decent naman iyong suot niya. He was wearing a light brown cargo shorts and white shirt habang ako, naka-corporate attire pa. Naglakad lang kami sa Makati habang naghahanap ng makakainan. Para kaming nagthrowback bigla sa mga panahon nung nagde-date pa lang kami kasi ganito kami noon, e... Lakad lang sa Makati habang naghahanap ng resto... Tapos nag-uusap kami tungkol sa BAR exam ko o kaya sa duty niya sa hospital na hindi ko pa rin maintindihan hanggang ngayon.

Habang naglalakad kami, bigla kaming natigilan dahil nakita namin si Mommy Shirley—she insisted I call her that. She was with—ano nga'ng pangalan ulit nun?

"Mom!" Sean called kaya napa-tingin sa side namin si Mommy Shirley.

Her face lightened up. Agad siyang lumapit sa amin. Sobrang bait talaga ng nanay ni Sean. Siya pa nga ang nagpakilala sa akin kay Atty. Gulmatico, e. Maliit talaga ang mundo ng mayayaman... Magkaka-kilala silang lahat, e.

"Why are you two still out?" she asked.

"We're just celebrating," Sean replied. "Why are you still out?" mahigpit na tanong ni Sean. Sobrang protective sa nanay niya talaga, e.

Mommy Shirley laughed. "We just finished something at the hospital, then we decided to have dinner," she said. "Did you two have dinner already? Sabay na kayo sa amin."

Kelsey looked uncomfortable. Mukhang may gusto pa rin siya kay Sean... which was sad dahil may asawa na si Sean. Ang ganda pa naman ni Kelsey and from what Sean said, mabait naman daw si Kelsey. May ward pa nga raw sa hospital nila na naka-pangalan sa family nina Kelsey dahil malapit daw sa kanila iyong mga cancer patients, e.

Madali lang kaming naka-hanap ng kakainan dahil nga mayor itong mag-ina na 'to... They knew everyone in Makati kaya kahit walang reservation, ang bilis maka-pasok. Iba talaga ang privilege na dala ng pera. Ngayon ko siya naiintindihang talaga. It's like they have a secret club...

"I thought it was clear that you should take a rest, Ma? And that includes going to bed early?" Sean suddenly said.

Mommy Shirley laughed. "There's nothing to do at home... Unless you two are planning on giving me a grandchild to take care of."

Mabilis akong nabulunan ng tubig na iniinom ko. Sean looked at me, handing me the table napkin.

Tumawa si Mommy Shirley. "Surprised, hija? More than a year na rin kayong kasal ni Sean... Meron na ba?"

Oh, Lord.

"Mom," Sean said, groaning.

"What? I'm just excited!" she said, smiling. "I can already imagine little Sean and little Sob in the house. Oh, I would spoil them rotten!" she continued. "Itong si Kelsey, hindi ka ba tinatanong ng Papa mo tungkol sa apo?" tumatawang tanong ni Mommy Shirley.

Kelsey awkwardly smiled. "I'll find a husband first, Tita, then we'll talk about having a baby," she said.

Sean looked at me and I smiled at him uncomfortably. Mukhang nakuha niya na hindi ako kumportable sa pinag-uusapan kaya naman mabilis niyang na-i-divert sa ibang topic iyong usapan. They just talked about Sean taking a bigger role in their hospital.

Thankfully, the dinner ended.

Mabilis akong sumandal sa sofa nang maka-balik kami sa condo.

"Thank God," I said, closing my eyes and groaning. I love Sean's mom... but that dinner drained all my energy! Tapos naawa din ako kay Kelsey na mukhang na-out of place sa mga usapan.

"Sorry for mom," Sean said nang tumabi siya sa akin.

"It's fine," I replied. "She's just excited."

"But... where are we with having kids, Sob?"

Agad akong napa-tingin sa kanya. "What... about kids?"

Umayos siya ng upo kaya naman napilitan akong umayos din ng upo. I looked at him seriously... because the conversation felt serious.

"When do we plan on having one?"

My lips parted.

I felt my heart constricting.

"Because to be honest? I'm already thinking about it."

I felt the rapid increase in my heart's beating habang naka-tingin sa akin si Sean. I felt the air escaping my lungs with the way he was staring at me... Ni hindi ko magawang magsalita dahil alam ko na hindi iyon ang gusto niyang marinig.

"I don't know," I safely replied. "Not now."

"Okay... but when?"

I nervously licked my lower lip. The way he was looking at me was throwing me off—like he was hoping against all odds that I'd say yes to having kids.

But... I never wanted to have one.

I never saw myself as a mom.

I liked kids... but I never wanted one.

"Soon," I safely replied... Baka magbago ang isip ko. Hindi ko alam. Ang tanging alam ko lang, masaya ako sa buhay ko ngayon. Masaya ako sa condo namin ni Sean. Masaya ako sa trabaho ko. Masaya ako ngayon... Why the need to change it?

"What's soon?" he pressed on.

I stood up and walked towards the ref. I poured myself a glass of cold water. I drummed my fingers against the kitchen counter. Nang tumingin ako sa salas ay nakita kong pinapanood ni Sean ang bawat galaw ko.

"Soon," I said.

"Give me a date—or, at least, an estimate."

Ibinaba ko iyong baso. I rested both my hands on the kitchen counter and looked at him.

"We both don't have the time right now," I said.

"Then we'll get a nanny," he replied.

"Seriously? A nanny?"

"A nanny raised me," he said. "I believe I turned out fine."

Tumayo na rin siya at naglakad palapit sa akin. He rested his hands on the counter, too, and stared directly into my eyes. I nervously licked my lower lips.

"What's this, Sob?" he asked.

"I don't want kids now."

"I'm not saying now," sabi niya. "I just wanted to know when... And that it's on the table."

Hindi ako naka-sagot.

I watched the expression on his face as it turned into fear.

"No..." he uttered, barely audibly.

Gusto kong magsalita, pero hindi ko alam ang sasabihin. It felt like for the first time in my life, words have failed me. I knew what I wanted to say... but I couldn't find the words.

I couldn't find the words that wouldn't hurt him.

"You don't wanna have kids?" he asked.

"Sean—"

"Just please answer the question," he said, cutting me off.

"No," I replied.

"Why?"

"I don't know," I said. I just never wanted to have one... I never dreamed of having one... I never planned on having one... Did that make me weird? Did that make me selfish?

The way his face fell felt like a huge stab in my face. Gusto ko siyang lapitan. Gusto kong humingi ng tawad sa kanya. But I knew that my words would mean nothing to him. Not right now.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm sorry. I should've told you that before we got married. Shit. I'm sorry."

Sean looked confused.

There was a look of betrayal on his face.

"Is that final, Isobel?" he asked, using my full name. "Or is that just right now because of your work?"

I fisted my hand. I wanted to be careful with my words. Gusto kong ipaliwanag sa kanya para maintindihan niya ako... Pero paano ko gagawin kung hindi ko rin alam kung bakit?

I just never wanted kids.

That's just it.

Did I need to have a reason why?

Did that make me selfish?

"Sean," I called his name. "Sean, I never wanted to have one."

"Why not?" he asked.

"I just don't want to have one."

"The fuck? That's your answer?"

"Not everyone wants to have a kid, Sean. Not everyone wants to procreate," I carefully said. I knew it was my fault that we didn't discuss this... Alam ko rin na nagulat siya sa sinabi ko... But it's my decision not to have kids. It's my body. Ayoko ng anak.

It never crossed my mind.

I never saw myself as a mom.

I looked at him, waiting for his response... but all I got was the sound of the door slamming.