disclaimer: suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide. please don't read this if you aren't ready. go to the end as i want to speak to you if you are suicidal. even if you aren't, still read it.

He set about pacing back and forth the stone floor of the Astronomy Tower. Nothing mattered anymore. His education didn't matter, his life didn't matter, he didn't matter. What's the point of going further if there's only failure ahead? Sirius Black craved for something to take him away. Wrap him in their cold arms and strangle him. Monsters had already taken over, torturing with their slow fire he likes to call Sirius Black. He was Sirius I'm-Disowned. Sirius I'm-a-Disappointment. Sirius-I'm-Worthless. Why weren't they killing him yet? Red dripped from his arm but he barely took notice. This should end it. Many words were etched upon his pale self. Nothing. Useless. Hated. Unwanted. Finally, a world where his family could rejoice as he no longer existed. Did his friends even care? Were they all people with masks on, pretending to care but really, they just wanted him gone? He couldn't blame them. He wanted him gone too. Damn this! It wasn't going fast enough. The fiery pits of hell had already made a spot for him. Hell can't be any worse then what he was living through now. Hell was where he belonged. The flames licking his body and heat searing through his bones. That's what he deserved. A chilly breeze swept past his shoulders, the window was inviting. He limped over there and stuck his head out. What if he jumped? It would be faster. He dragged his legs over the edge. If he pushed just a bit more, everything would go away.
****
"Where. Is. Padfoot?" Gasped Remus Lupin. His heart was pounding as his best friend who he sort of liked in that way, was gone. He had said he was going on a walk but they couldn't see him on the grounds. That made them suspicious. Why would Padfoot lie to them?
"I don't blooming know!" James ran his fingers through his hair. Remus could tell his was stressing loads but he was stressing ten times more.
"James, start from the first floor and work your way up. Peter, go with him if you like. I'll just start from the top." Remus babbled, his brain going fuzzy and confused. Other Gryffindors in the common room were giving them odd looks. The Marauders were never stressed out! They just assumed it was nothing and they were just overreacting.
"What if we get caught?" Peter squeaked nervously. Normally, it was Remus who was the one like this but now he couldn't care less about getting caught.
"I don't give a flying damn if we get caught." Remus said so firmly Peter didn't say a single word.
"Take my cloak if you're nervous. I just want to find Sirius even if I get detention for the rest of sixth year." James admitted sternly, shooting a scowl at Peter. He instantly regretted it but didn't voice his opinion. They left altogether, not before slamming the portrait shut.

"My, my, you're all in a dreadful mood, aren't you?" The Fat Lady mentioned before they turned the corner. Remus had to restrain himself from hexing the portrait green. No, they were all jolly jolly and they were going to go to a tea party now! Their best friend, who, may I mention, was going through a rough patch in life, was missing.

"No, we're absolutely elated! Our best friend totally isn't missing!" Remus snapped, taking the Fat Lady by surprise. He ignored her and made his way to his destination. The Astronomy Tower. He was running through a corridor when the Fat Lady was still thinking about the incident. Remus had always been the nice one. always polite to the portraits, ever argued with teachers, just a very good student. Now though, he was going insane. He knew he shouldn't have let Sirius go alone. The musty stench of the Astronomy Tower crawled up Remus' nose and before he knew it he was at the door. Decaying, the wooden, dark door stood menacingly in front of Remus and he knew there was no time to wait. His hand collided with the cold metal of the handle and he burst through the door to see Sirius sitting on the window ledge, just about to push off.

"SIRIUS!" He yelled, pupils becoming large at this alarming sight. His Sirius was about to do it. Not even realising that his knees were becoming weak, Remus bolted it to Sirius and pushed back on to the draughty, stone floor.

"Are you mad, Siri?" Remus pushed Sirius against a wall making him drop to his knees in defeat, tears streaming down his face. Both his elbows rested on his knees which were apart and Remus sat in the crevice, knees facing Sirius.

"Let me go." Sirius whispered, still wishing to end it all. His body shook with fear as much as anger. Angry with himself. Why did he wait? Why did he look down on to the tranquil grass beneath him but not fall?

"Padfoot, stop it." Sirius wriggled, "I said stop! Listen to me, what's wrong? Like, in particular?" Remus stroked back the crumpled boy's damp hair.

"I'm a horrible person. You can't lie to me. My own damned mother hates me, what type of a good person's mother hates them?" Sirius whimpered, his memories of back home misting his mind.

"A mother who doesn't know she has the best bloody thing in front of her." Sirius' head lifted. He loved his friends, but he loved Remus. The way his sandy blonde curls would fall in front of his honey eyes. The way he ate chocolate when he was stressed, when he was happy and when he was bored. But Sirius knew. Somebody as perfect as him would never love someone as worthless as him. Remus deserved someone whole, boy or girl, doesn't matter. He just didn't deserve him.

"Sirius, you don't realise how much we love you. James would die of grief if you left us. I would never eat chocolate again. I don't know what you crave most, whether it be a girl with pretty eyes and a good sense of loving, or to be a world champion Quidditch player, but what I do know is that you deserve everything you want." Remus murmured in to Sirius' ear. Sirius was his star, he would shine the way in to the most awkward situations and lead the way out with his smooth mouth.

"I don't deserve life." He choked, sobs rising in his throat like a hot air balloon. The summer back, his father said that very phrase, just replacing 'I' with 'You'. He remembered the very feeling of the hot candle being pressed against his ribs. When abusing him, Sirius' parents never used magic as that would always lead back to them. Every time, Sirius put on a brave face, never letting his ghastly parents get to him, but every second of it, he was slowly dying.

"You deserve the moon and the stars, Siri. You don't realise how bloody perfect you are. How many people want to know you. James, Peter and I were the lucky ones. We had someone as amazing as you be there all the time. It was you who suggested the Animagus thingy and do you know how that makes me feel? It makes me think that people actually care and I know for a fact that it's been a long time since you've fully felt that. But, I want you to know, that I would die if it would save you, for your life is worth so much more than mine." Remus breathed, finally, after all these years, getting it off his chest.

"But you're a good student, you listen in class and all that jazz. I don't need life. When I finally start to have things to look forward to, that's when I'll die. That's what the stars want to happen." Sirius muttered, still looking down.

"Look at me," Sirius looked up, "I would do that because you're you. And I-I love you." These words almost shocked Sirius in to insanity. Warm arms wrapped around his neck and he was enveloped in a meaningful hug.

"I... love you too." He smiled for real in the first time for years.

"What's that on your arm?" Remus asked after pulling away. Oh, Merlin.

"I've no idea what you're talking about." Sirius said quickly, shoving his left arm behind his back. Remus snatched his wrist and Sirius struggled like mad, but Remus' lycanthropy granted him with the power of super strength. Inspecting the words, his eyes became glassy. The newest one - though it was dry- read 'GONE' with one long slit placed beneath it.

"Sirius..." His voice came out barely audible. He pressed his lips to each and every letter if each and every word. He cast healing spells on them but he knew the memories would never heal. Sirius almost broke down again at the act of kindness. Lastly, Remus placed a kiss on Sirius' forehead. The door slammed open.

"Sirius!" James yelled and ran to Padfoot, Remus moved out of the way. The tear stained face spoke louder than words ever could and James knew what he had tried to do.

"I'm sorry." Sirius whispered and James seized his shoulders, tears of fury leaking out of his eyes. His best friend since first year was about to do that and he didn't do anything to even help?

"Listen to me Padfoot, I don't give a damn what your last name is, who you are, what sexuality is, what your mum thinks because you're my best mate either way. Actually, screw that, you're my bloody brother and whether you like it or not you're still coming for a Sunday roast at our house! You're going to be my best man and godfather to my first born, so don't even think about doing it again!" James breathed heavily out of his nose and then broke down entirely. He gave the hug of his life to Sirius right then and there.
"Sirius, please. It sounds selfish, but I would die if grief without my brother." James mumbled soggily.

"Y'know Padfoot, you can't have the Marauders without U so..." Peter shrugged and Sirius chuckled.

"You're so cheesy, Pete." Sirius sniffled, wiping his nose with the end of his t- shirt.

"Have you actually got any cheese? I really want some." Sirius was certain that Peter would choose cheese over ice cream any day. It could be a date with somebody and they'd be going to get ice cream or Butterbeer, Peter would just be like 'Well, I'll leave you here. I need my daily dose of cheese. You know how it is.'

"Tell you what, we'll go to the kitchens." Remus suggested, he had always liked visiting the house elves. They always gave him chocolate or they would just have a nice chat. They never cared, even until their last day at Hogwarts.

hello, if you're here from the top then please read the following paragraph and if you have just finished reading the one shot, i would like it if you read this too. it's long, but this is probably the most important thing.

i know how I feels like to feel like you're nothing. your insides are just constantly muddled, your brain hardly bothering to work anymore. horrible doesn't even begin to describe how bad it feels. each day, you keep trying to go forward, but the ball tied to your foot gets heavier and heavier, while you get more discouraged by the moment. no one, and i mean no one, deserves to feel that. we are all people. we can change the world. you have changed the world just by existing. you've made it happier, brighter and whether you can believe or not, you have just made someone's day. mine, by either reading this chapter or just reading this paragraph. why? because now you know that someone cares. some people might just think this is what i have to say, but really, i didn't need to write a whole paragraph. when i see a vote in my notifications, or i see my read count go up, i feel like the luckiest person alive. because i have you. and you, yes you, are my world. i still have stuff going on in my life, i always will, because that's just how i've learned to live. but knowing other people are also struggling, hurts me ten times more. if you ever need to tell somebody something, i'll always be here. private message. if you do decide to message or something, i promise not to share you're personal information. why should i anyway? i just want to give back to those who have been there for me. you are a beautiful person and you have made an impact on this world. a great one, by being you xxx. i love you more than words can describe.

see you next millennium.