hi NourhaneauToumanion!
your recipe is ready to use!

<3

FIRST IMPRESSIONS!

title! (5/5)

-short and appropriate!

cover! (5/5)

-ooooh i'm loving the cover! especially the effect that makes the text look like it's glowing which also matches jin's face wowz

description! (9/10)

-what a great description! after reading the story, your description made so much more sense and i like that a lot!

-i just thought that 'made realization hit him' sounds a little bit off but that's probably just me.

-maybe combine some of the sentences in the dialogue? 'it's gonna be okay, you're okay now. don't be scared. i'm here. we're here.' yeah, i made such minor changes but this is just a suggestion!

WRITING STYLE!

grammar! (11.5/20)

-i love how i actually feel the emotion that jin's portraying while reading your book! your writing style gives off that effect and it's honestly really satisfying!

-but! i've found a lot of grammatical errors that i hope you'll be able to fix after reading today's review.

(screenshots are from chapters a-g.)

-the statement i underlined sounds awkward? you already mentioned 'place' once and i believe that it's better if you use a synonym of 'place' like location to substitute in your statement.

-'unknown current place and situation'. maybe rephrase it to '-because of this unknown location and situation that i was in'?

-i just thought that some sentences seemed odd so i added some words and changed the tenses of a few verbs as well.

1. instead of 'my eyes caught the food placed in front of me', you can say 'the food placed in front of me caught my eye'? idk i'm probably just used to the phrase 'this caught my eye' compared to 'my eye caught this'.

-your book should only be written in one tense, hence my correction with 'has'.

1. it's a long run-on sentence? it was like a tongue twister with the word 'eat' aaaah i promise you that it'll sound much better if you split the sentences and make it shorter, making sure that each statement won't turn into a fragment.

-your most noticeable mistake is placing commas even if it's completely unnecessary. don't keep putting commas before and after a certain name if not needed. to be honest, seeing too much commas in one paragraph is a turn-off and sorta bothers me while reading aaaah

-search about commas online because it's going to help you a lot, as it seems like that's the part where you made the most mistakes.

-i just added '-ed' to 'want' 'cause, you know, your book revolves around past tense so- :)

-i underlined 'making sure' because it seemed off? 'making sure if anyone was looking at me' kinda sounds weird. it would work if your statement was 'making sure that no one was looking at me'. i would personally replace 'making sure' with 'checking' but it still doesn't sound super fitting. feel free to rephrase it instead.

-here's an elaborate explanation about commas before 'and':

The word and is a conjunction, and when a conjunction joins two independent clauses, you should use a comma with it. The proper place for the comma is before the conjunction.

On Monday we'll see the Eiffel Tower, and on Tuesday we'll visit the Louvre.

The sentence above contains two independent clauses, so it requires a comma before and. (By the way, you can tell they're independent clauses because each one could stand on its own as a complete sentence.)

Here's a tip: Remember, when you're joining two independent clauses, you need both a comma and a conjunction. If you use a comma without a conjunction, you'll end up with a comma splice.

Let's look at another example.

It's cold outside, and I can't find my coat.

Once again, we have two independent clauses: It's cold outside plus I can't find my coat. Therefore, we need a comma before and.

Don't use a comma before and when one of the clauses its connecting is a dependent clause.

Sam tossed the ball, and watched the dog chase it.

The first clause, 'Sam tossed the ball' could stand on its own as a complete sentence, which means it's an independent clause. But the second clause, 'watched the dog chase it', can't stand by itself as a complete sentence. That means it's a dependent clause, so we should not use a comma before and.

Sam tossed the ball and watched the dog chase it.

exceptions:

But wait! There's an exception. (Isn't there always?) When you have two independent clauses joined together by and, most style guides say that it's OK to leave the comma out as long as the two independent clauses are very short and closely connected. Here's an example:

Arthur cooked and Melvin cleaned.

It's not wrong to add a comma before and in the sentence above, but doing so might make the sentence a little choppy.

-i hope you found that helpful and understood when to use commas before 'and'.

1. the first sentence sounds a bit misleading? 'suddenly, i felt a hand on my back rubbing circles while yoongi was soothingly speaking into my ears', when i read that, i thought that the hand was someone else's and not yoongi's. i know what you're trying to say, like it was yoongi's hand who was rubbing jin's back and he was also the one speaking to him, but your sentence says otherwise. it was just really confusing and i think it'll be much better if you rephrase it.

-here's how i'd change it: 'suddenly, i felt a hand rubbing circles on my back. i peeked at my peripheral vision and saw yoongi, he soothingly spoke into my ear, saying', it's definitely not perfect 'cause it still sounds off somehow but i hope you got the idea.

-add question marks if the character's asking. don't leave it blank, insert a question mark to make things sound clearer.

-stay consistent and focus on only one tense while writing your story.

-more information about when to add a comma before 'while' is down below:

Don’t use a comma before while when you mean “during the same time.”

Do use a comma before while when you mean “whereas” or “although.”

When while is used as a conjunction, it has two meanings. One meaning is related to time. In the temporal sense, while describes something that is happening at the same time as something else. The other meaning of while indicates a contrast. In this sense, it means “whereas” or “although.”

1. no comma with while means 'at the same time':

Don’t use a comma before while when you’re talking about two things happening at the same time.

correct:

I decided to take a nap under my desk while everyone else was in the meeting.

incorrect:

I decided to take a nap under my desk, while everyone else was in the meeting.

correct:

Let’s order the curtains while they’re still on sale.

incorrect:

Let’s order the curtains, while they’re still on sale.

2. comma with while means 'whereas' or 'although':

Use a comma before while in the middle of a sentence when you mean “whereas” or “although.”

correct:

I prefer chocolate cake, while my sister prefers key lime pie.

incorrect:

I prefer chocolate cake while my sister prefers key lime pie.

correct:

The price of eggs is rising, while the price of milk has stayed the same.

incorrect:

The price of eggs is rising while the price of milk has stayed the same.

3. while at the beginning of a sentence:

When while is the first word of your sentence, you obviously shouldn’t add a comma in front of it. But if you’re using while to mean “whereas,” you still need to put a comma somewhere. Put it at the end of the clause that while introduces. The comma should go between the things that are happening at the same time.

While my sister prefers key lime pie, I prefer chocolate cake.

While the price of milk has stayed the same, the price of eggs is rising.

-i hope this cleared things up for you, don't hesitate to ask me questions or search it up on google!

1. 'i wore the shirt and left the fitting room then both of us left the shop and walked in the street', i believe this seems too quick? plus, it's a run-on sentence too. maybe find an alternative for the word 'left' and separate that paragraph into shorter sentences. also, i don't think 'in' is the right preposition.

-here's an idea: 'i wore the shirt and stared at my reflection in the mirror. it fit me quite nicely and i felt satisfied. i exited the fitting room and my eye found jimin sitting on a bench, waiting for me. after paying, both he and i left the shop and walked on the street.'

-i made it longer because, i don't know, yours seemed rushed for some reason aaaah. you don't have to follow this, of course, this is merely just a suggestion. you can rephrase it however you'd like.

-more verb tense errors.

-whooz :)) just some verb tense mistakes and unnecessary commas. i'll remind you again, don't ever put commas before and after a name unless it's a direct address.

ex. i needed to meet yoongi.
-means what it says.
ex. i needed to meet, yoongi.
it's a dialogue of jin talking to yoongi, saying that he needed to meet.

-don't put the same exact words close to each other, especially in the same sentence. find substitutes for one of them.

-'check' sounds pretty awkward. the whole sentence itself seems off in my opinion. maybe try your best to fix it somehow?

1. another run-on paragraph. please split it into shorter sentences.

-i highly suggest you to study about commas, i think it's needed.

-just the same mistakes that you've made before.

1. this sentence is probably the most confusing one of them all. 'then turned his chair to the person behind,  in the glass room right in front of him' sounds abrupt. i personally don't really understand the statement that well so i can't help you rephrase it aaaah

-same mistakes :)

1. so in this case, you actually repeated a word three times in a run-on sentence. please, please, please find the time to fix this. these careless mistakes are obviously unintentional but this may bother some readers, just like how it bothered me.

-you used the correct auxiliary verb for the tag question but the wrong pronoun. the verb in your statement is 'i will', so your tag question is simply 'won't i'. it's really easy and i think that's just a reckless error that you made.

(the following screenshots are from later chapters that i just couldn't ignore.)

< "No, no." He frantically waved his hands in front of me and said, "I didn't say that." He sighed, then sat back down as he ruffled his hair, looking back at me, proceeding, "Okay, I remember now. We went hiking, and you slipped."

" Oh, he woke up." >

-'oh, he woke up' just sounds sudden and like unusual? i think it would be better if you added a brief statement before that dialogue. maybe something like 'an unfamiliar voice interrupted our conversation, muttering, "oh, he woke up."' again, this isn't perfect but i wrote it to give you a gist of what i'm talking about.

-ignore the thick line in the middle of the screenshot HAHAHA i didn't even notice it when i saved it oops also ignore that line before the words 'taehyung's long wavy black hair' lmaoo

-i believe you meant 'shocked' instead of 'shooked'? 'shooked', according to google, means scared and i don't think that's the meaning you were going for.

-leave spaces between punctuation marks and words. ex. mr. jin

-just some more comma mistakes.

-'which' seems like an odd word to start a sentence. 'that' sounds like a better alternative.

summary of everything:

-only add commas before 'and' and 'while' if necessary. if you get confused, feel free to come back to this review or simply go search about it online.

-don't add commas before and/or after names if it's not needed. it's really bothersome.

-split run-on paragraphs into shorter sentences but still make sure that it's complete.

-be on a look out for awkward and unusual sentences, if you've found some, find a way to fix it.

-searching for synonyms of certain words is very helpful. don't use the same exact word twice or thrice in the same sentence or paragraph, look for substitutes.

-verb consistency is a must when writing.

-add extra descriptions if needed so that your dialogues or statements won't sound misleading or lacking.

-besides that, you have a pretty good writing style! editing your book is probably one of the best decisions for you to make if you want to improve your book.

diction! (8/10)

-yes, you didn't get a 10 but nonetheless, your diction was satisfactory and just right.

editing! (4/5)

-i've only found two misspellings in your book (i may have missed some.) and that's good news!

'thit' should be 'this'. (chapter x)
'instalment' should be 'installment'. (chapter y)

STORY DYNAMICS!

plot! (20/20)

-i!! love!! your!! plot!! ohmygod you always seem to come up with such original story ideas? your book was an actual rollercoaster because i always had so many questions in my head while reading it and it was all answered!

-there were lots of plot twists here and there and omg i really love stories like that! stories that are unpredictable (in a good way) are one of my favorites and your book seems to fit in that category very well!

-you're really consistent with your unique plots and i'm just impressed and speechless like you've got such a great imagination paired with a satisfactory writing style!

flow! (10/10)

-i'm probably gonna repeat what i said before but yeah, everything was moving at just the right pace.

characters! (8/10)

-fortunately, you managed to write different characters! although they're not super duper diverse, they have enough flaws to be differentiated from one another.

OVERALL EXPERIENCE!

satisfaction! (9/10)

-i love reviewing books that are completed and your ending really satisfied me like a lot omg i love that you wrote such a sweet and happy ending aaaaah fluff has always been one of my favorites so reading the last chapter of your book made me smile HAHAHAHA

addictiveness! (5/5)

-the chapter length was just right and if i read a book in one sitting, that ultimately equals to 5/5 addictiveness!

overall thoughts! (94.5/110)

-your book was such an amazing read! the plot, together with the plot twists, is very satisfying and just high quality overall! i feel like there would be such a high chance that you'd almost get a perfect score if it wasn't for your grammar aaaah

-i hope that you'd find the time to edit and proofread your whole book while keeping my points and suggestions in mind and i guarantee you, your book will be more than amazing for the readers to read!

-thank you so much for requesting! have a day marvelous ahead, noorie!

RATE THE QUALITY OF YOUR RECIPE HERE!

feel free to ask me any questions or clarifications! i'm willing to answer all of them!

-chef mae <3