• chapter 05 •

"Shivaay." I heard Om ask after a while. Rudra have fallen asleep by this time.

I kept my eyes closed, breathing even and forced my muscles to relax. "I know you are awake, Shivaay."

I let out a sigh, I hummed in acknowledgement. "What's going on?" He asked and my eyebrows furrowed in confusion, I stared at the glow in the dark stickers.

"You'd have to be specific Om." I said with a wry chuckle. "There are too many things that are going on at once, and I don't know which one are referring too."

"You are hiding something from us, aren't you?" I took in a deep breath. The suffocating feeling increasing as I tried to turn to the other side. But Rudra had occupied the space. Unable to breathe properly, I sat up.

Om mimicked my movements and he placed a hand on my back. The temperature turned down as my nervousness grew. I did not wish to be confronted like this. But damn Om's interrogation.

I could never lie to him, he somehow always managed to look past my lie and I didn't even know how he did it. And why?

"You know the deal that Mr. Choudhary had signed, he cancelled it at the last moment." I stated, and waited for a few moments tmfor Om to give his input but he stayed quiet, so I continued. I think he bought the lie.

"And it has put us in a kind of wrong position in this project and atop it the Bandra construction site. It's all happening at once—"

"Why are you lying?" He asked softly. And that single sentence managed to quieten me down. What else had I expected. He didn't buy it. Nobody would, especially if I kept fumbling over my own words.

"I'm not lying, Om." I said trying to divert the topic.

"Shivaay, you know, ever since we have learnt walking, we have followed your footsteps." I smiled at that. Always managed to find a away with words.

"You can't lie to your shadow, Shivaay."

I let out a shaky breath, I can't break the walls. "Ev-everything is fine, Om." I turned in his direction, I could see him frowning in the dim light.

"I am okay." His eyebrows arched but I ignored it, if I would acknowledge my slip, so would he. Better let it go off unnoticed.

"When the time's right." I promised him.

"I have your word Shivaay." He muttered before he closed his eyes.

"But remember, no time is as right as present." He added. And I merely hummed at those.

You have made so many promises to your family. I reminded myself. I can't break any of them. Even if they end up breaking my core.

.

I looked away from the papers placed on the table. My nerves were going haywire as I sat on one of the metal chairs, lined up outside Nishant's clinic. The smell of medicine was heavy in the air, my stomach churned uneasily.

Blowing air into my hands, I rubbed them to warm them up, and apparently calm them down enough, because they were trembling really badly. They were cold badly, I had chosen the farthest seat from the air conditioner for this very reason, but apparently it didn't work much in my favour.

"Shivaay?" I looked up to see Mallika standing by the entrance and I sighed in relief, her arms wrapped around me, in a comforting hug and even though I didn't return the hug, I let her be.

"Why are you waiting outside?" She asked, frown lines visible on her forehead, I shook my head.

"J-just needed a moment." Her gaze dropped to papers I had placed on the table ahead of us. "Everything's going to be fine. These are just the tests." She assured me as she gave my hand a gentle squeeze.

"The reports will clear out everything."

"Please stop lying, the reports are just to confirm what we already know, Mallika." I stated with a dry chuckle.

For some reason her words sounded hollow to my own ears, I could see the worry in her eyes. She didn't need to lie, I managed to brave myself up for the checkup, I should be prepared for the reports even if they don't come in my favour.

I have learnt to accept the things as they came. How is it going to be any different?

"Guys? Let's go inside." I looked up to see Siddharth standing a few feet away from us, I threw a quizzical look in Mallika's direction, she sighed. What is he doing here?

He was the last person I wanted here.

"Well, Shivaay, let's put our rivalry aside for this time until you recover." He started, I merely arched an eyebrow.

Hah! Has he already accepted that I'm dying? Even I need time to process such news!

"You are talking as if I am dying." I breathed out softly.

The words tumbled out before I could stop them, or maybe I didn't want to. It was the only place I could speak without any filter. And the silence and pretense of the ignorance of the future was killing me, and I wanted to let it out for once.

"And I am not dying." I stated firmly, I have so many things to do, "and even if I am, I'd rather be treated normally."

Fair point.

I sent them a glare.

"What are you saying, Shivaay!" Mallika hissed. Her grip was tight by my elbow and I gently pulled my arm away from her grip.

"Why are you all behaving like this?" I asked.

"I am trying to keep things normal between us. But ever since Nishant has put out the speculations you guys have been behaving oddly. Do you know something that I should be aware of?"

Mallika sighed at that, "Shivaay, please don't stress out." She said. I sighed.

"I-I——we won't speak of this until we get the reports all clear." I stated firmly.

She nodded solemnly. She can stay quiet from me, hiding away the truth, but how will I hide the very same from my own family and myself.

"Guys?" We all turned to see Nishant standing at the doorway. And I didn't want to face him, that's pretty fucked up considering we were best friends. But I didn't have the courage to see the sullen look on his face, the very expression that I see every time I have to visit the hospital he works in for my health concerns.

"It's fine, Shivaay." He started. I shook my head.

"We have gone through this already, Kalra. Let's just get over it." I muttered.

He nodded. "This is Dr. Chandra, he will be assisting you." I nodded, the doctor standing beside Nishant raised his hand in a subtle greeting which I returned with the nod of my own. "He is well acquainted with your condition and he will keep it confidential."

I nodded at that.

"Shall we leave for the hospital?" Nishant asked as he exchanged the looks with the couple standing behind me. I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration. My friends weren't the most subtle creatures on earth, so it appeared.

"We need proper testing and imaging for the diagnosis and prognosis." I nodded at his words. Apparently, not a stranger to the words. The first time I was acquainted with such fancy words when I was being treated for my heart condition when I was a child, that time I didn't know the seriousness behind such words.

But I know, now.

I looked at the solemn faces of my friends and shook my head in disappointment.

"C'mon, let's go." I said as I sat inside the car.

.

My feet walked over to the shore. The sun was shining brightly in its reddish hue. I don't know why I was here. But it brought out a different soothing feeling here. There was no one around. Peace.

"I did not expect you to be here today." I didn't need to turn around to see who it was. She was staring at me, I tilted my head to the side, her gaze seemed curious.

"Annika?" Her name automatically rolled off her tongue. She blinked surprised before smiling slightly. "Shivaay." Her tone had a light cheer to it.

"I thought you weren't coming here anymore." She spoke.

"Was busy in tests and meetings." I shrugged. She frowned, "Which ones?" She asked.

"Currently, normal checkups and blood tests for my blood sugar and creatinine." Her eyes dimmed slightly, "Those tests—"

She knew what those were for. Of course she did.

"I don't want to talk about it." I said as I lowered myself over the sand. "I had brought sheets." She said, I shook my head declining that it's fine.

I ran my hands across the sand, my fingers trailing across it, leaving an imprinted trail behind my fingers.

"This has become quite a routine. Though I am happy enough to indulge with a company." I rolled my eyes, playfully at that.

She turned back to look at the sunset, the only sound apart from the waves were the squawks of the birds circling over the sea. Some dive after a moment or two to catch the fishes before flying away.

"This is the only part of the day I look forward to." I replied with a chuckle. She grinned at that.

"Anyways, what about you?" I asked with a smile as she arched an eyebrow in question. "Trust me, like I had said, my life is just the myriad of shades of greyish hues."

"Who said mine is any different." She smiled, "just a random spark of colours that my sister inculcated in my life, other than that? It's all blank." She spoke as she rested her head over hand.

She turned to look at me pointedly. Only then I noticed the buzzing. The phone in my hand was lighting up continuously.

Om calling...

I frowned, why was he calling? Shouldn't he be at home at this moment.

The ringing stopped and the notification of his call was soon replaced by his message.

Sat, 28 September
5:59 p.m.
Om : where are you?
Call me back urgently when you can.
This is serious Shivaay, how can you hide this fact away from us!

My eyes widened. What is he talking about?

"Fuck." I cussed loudly, she turned to look at me startled before she laughed slightly. "That would have been my sentiments a few seconds ago, at your exclamation."

I sighed, "sorry about that."

Her eyes crinkled up, "what?" I asked, confused. Was it something I said?

Good job, Shivaay. You're hilarious as well.

She shook her head, "nothing, my sister used to say, that word could have a vocabulary of its own, the diverse range of situations that it could be used."

I remembered a few sentences and chuckled, "she's not technically wrong." I said shaking my head, "Rudy would have said the same thing."

"Your brother?" She asked.

I hummed.

Brother. What did Om know? Surely, Mallika, Siddharth or Nishant could have filled him with the news, the reports hadn't arrived and I had knowingly put Nishant's address to be mailed for the reports, I couldn't risk anyone knowing it before me.

"You got your creatinine checked?" She asked after a while, I hummed. "First time?" She asked.

"For the scan?" I asked. When she nodded, "no, I have it before, just the purpose was different." I muttered. "But it has been a while since I had it last checked."

She nodded. "Well, whatever the results may be, it will get better."

Easier said than done. I thought, I was about to voice out the same when she turned to look at me, her expression serious.

"I know, it's easier said than done." She sighed. "But there's nothing you could do about it."

She was right.

"Accept it, as it is."

Ain't that the hardest part? I thought as I turned to look back at the water which had calmed down slightly, and the uneasiness crept inside.