So . . . before we begin, to any of you who do not follow me or only read this series . . . I found out it was plagiarized last weekend. The book is down now, thank God, but to know it was this series, arguably my most popular one . . . it hurt. But I'm back in the game now, with one of my favorite episodes ever! :)

The Doctor doesn't like Robin, Pietro . . . tolerates Robin, and the Doctor actually punches someone!

Here's "Robot of Sherwood!"

***

"Take a punt," the Doctor told Clara as he wrote in Gallifreyan on his blackboard.

"Right," Clara laughed, shaking her head as she swung around in a chair by the console.

"Your choice. Wherever, whenever, anywhere in time and space."

"I feel like we were just discussing this," Pietro winked at Clara.

She blushed. "Well . . . there is something - someone that I've always wanted to meet. But I know what you'll say."

"Try me," the Doctor challenged.

"You'll say he's made up, that there is no such thing."

"Go on."

"It's . . . " Clara smiled wide. "It's Robin Hood."

"Robin Hood," the Doctor nodded thoughtfully.

"Yeah!" Clara gushed as she went up the stairs. "I love that story! I've always loved it, ever since I was little."

"Robin Hood," Jessie recalled, reclining back in her seat while using chopsticks to eat chicken lo mein. Apparently, this version of her was going for the fancier food. "If I recall correctly, the heroic outlaw who robs from the rich and gives it to the poor."

"Yeah!" Clara grinned.

"Pietro, I think Clara's been cheating on you with her childhood hero," Jessie giggled.

"I have not!" Clara protested as Wanda laughed.

"He's made up," the Doctor broke in. "There's no such thing."

"Ah," Clara pointed at him. "You see?"

"Old-fashioned heroes only exist in old-fashioned story books, Clara," the Doctor said as he took a book from the bookshelf.

"And what about you two?"

"Us two?" Jessie pointed between herself and the Doctor, some of the chicken still on her spoon.

"Yeah, you two. You stop bad things happening every minute of every day. That sounds pretty heroic to me."

"Just passing the time," the Doctor shrugged, taking Jessie's spoon and eating the bite that was on it. "Hey, what about Mars?"

"Excuse me?" Jessie quirked an eyebrow at him.

"What?" he looked at her. "It was a suggestion!"

"Give me back my spoon."

"You've got another one!"

"Oh, right," she blinked, taking the other spoon from where it was behind her. "Right."

"And isn't that the second helping you've had of that this hour?"

"I'm hungry!" she defended herself. "And back to Mars . . . what?"

"The Ice Warrior Hives!"

"Clara wants to go see Robin Hood, we go see Robin Hood." Jessie coldly raised an eyebrow. "So give her Robin Hood."

The Doctor groaned, hanging his head. "Very well." Clara squealed in excitement as the Doctor set the coordinates, Jessie grinning triumphantly. "Earth, England, Sherwood Forest, 1190 AD . . . ish. But you'll only be disappointed." He headed for the doors, not noticing only Pietro followed him. He stepped outside and made a show of looking around. "No damsels in distress, no pretty castles." He scoffed. "No such thing as Robin Hood."

Pietro suddenly whizzed forward and caught something just before something almost hit the Doctor. He blinked, looking down at the arrow Pietro had just caught, then looked around at the man that had fired the arrow. "You called?" the man called, and Pietro laughed at the dumbstruck look on the Doctor's face as he was faced with who could very well be Robin Hood. "Very, very nicely done with the box, sir. I saw a Turk perform something very similar at Nottingham Fair. It's a trick with mirrors, no doubt?"

"A trick?" the Doctor repeated.

"A good jest," Robin nodded with a grin. "Ha ha!"

"Even the laughter," Pietro grinned. "Clara is going to love this."

"This is not a trick," the Doctor pointed at the TARDIS. "This is a TARDIS."

"Whatever it is, you bony rascal, I'm afraid I must relieve you of it," Robin shrugged.

"Bony rascal?" Pietro guffawed.

"It's my property, that's what it is," the Doctor snapped.

"Well, don't you know all property is theft to Robin Hood?" Robin held out his arms.

"You're not serious," he groaned.

"I'm many things, sir, but I'm never that," he grinned. "Robin Hood laughs in the face of all! Ha ha ha!"

Pietro tilted his head. "Actually, that will get annoying."

"Do you want to ask or should I?" the Doctor asked him.

"Has anyone ever punched you in the face when you do that?" Pietro went on ahead and did it.

"Not as yet," Robin shrugged.

"There, I asked, you can do it," Pietro told the Doctor.

"Ah. Thank you."

"You know, when I said we were coming here, I didn't exactly expect to be dressed up like Red Riding Hood," a familiar voice came from behind them.

"I thought that would be me!"

"Oh, come on, they're just dresses!"

"Fine, I'll wear the red," Jessie griped as she stepped out of the TARDIS, wearing a dark red gown with billowing sleeves, an even darker red velvet cloak wrapping around her body completely, her dark hair twisted into a myriad of braids, pulled into a bun, with the rest of her hair tumbling down her back like a waterfall, a chain of rubies and black diamonds across her forehead. "But this is a bit - "

"Bloody gorgeous," the Doctor stared at her, eyes wide.

Jessie froze, eyes wide, before she blushed nearly as red as her outfit. "You think?" she asked, looking over herself. "I thought it was a bit much - "

"You look beautiful," the Doctor said honestly, his gaze raking over her entirely.

"You see?" Clara skipped over with a grin, wearing a red-orange dress with draping sleeves, a silver headpiece resting on her forehead. "Told you he'd like it."

"And I would certainly not pull that look off," Wanda admitted as she emerged in a black dress that seemed patterned with silver scales, an armor-like belt around her waist, silver chain necklaces around her neck. "I will wear the black."

"Who's your friend?" Jessie tilted her head, looking at Robin.

He was just staring at the three girls with stunned looks. "By all the saints, are there any more in there?"

Jessie's jaw fell open. "No."

"Way," Wanda's eyes widened.

Clara's eyes lit up. "Is that?" she pointed.

"No," the Doctor shook his head.

"Maybe," Pietro admitted.

"Oh, my God," Clara squeaked. "Oh, my God! It is, isn't it? You found him! You actually found Robin Hood!"

"That is not Robin Hood," the Doctor ground out.

"Well, then, who, sir, is about to relieve you of your magic box?" he smirked, drawing his sword.

The Doctor raised an eyebrow, then hopped onto the log Robin was using as a bridge. "Nobody, sir. Not in this universe or the next."

"Well, then, draw your sword and prove your words."

"I have no sword," he opened his jacket and spun to show him. "I don't need a sword. Because I am the Doctor." He pulled on a leather gauntlet, smirking. "And this - " He whipped up the spoon he'd taken earlier. "Is my spoon."

"En garde!" Jessie whooped.

As the two men dueled, Pietro tilted his head, watching. "I did not know the Doctor took spoon fighting lessons."

"You'd be surprised what Saleen could do with a plastic plate," Jessie smirked.

"I do not want to know," Wanda closed her eyes.

"Ow!" Robin yelped when the Doctor hit him.

"You're amazing!" Clara grinned at the Doctor. She had never actually seen him fight like this before, ever. Usually it was all powers.

"I've had some experience!" the Doctor called back. "Richard the Lionherat, Cyrano de Bergerac."

"Errol Flynn," Jessie added.

"He had the most enormous - " He ducked and smiled sheepishly when Jessie cleared her throat. "Ego."

Clara smirked. "Takes one to know one."

Jessie raised an eyebrow when the Doctor's next hit landed on Robin's behind. "Careful!"

Robin's next swipe took off one of the Doctor's coat buttons. The Doctor stared at him, then straightened and held out his arms. "What is he doing?" Pietro frowned.

"Wait for it," Jessie grinned.

Robin lunged, and the Doctor deflected, spinning so he and Robin were back to back. One swipe of the Doctor's foot, and Robin was sailing into the water. "Doctor!" Clara gasped.

Jessie laughed and ran up to him, giving him a kiss. "That was amazing!"

"Like I said," the Doctor smirked smugly, polishing off the spoon. "My box."

"Doctor?" Wanda looked over into the water. "Where is he?"

They all looked over, then Jessie sighed and made a stomping motion. There was a yelp from behind them, and Jessie rolled her eyes. "Please avoid pushing my husband into the water."

The Doctor sniggered as Robin looked sheepishly at his wife. He bloody loved her.

***

"Let me introduce you to my men," Robin said after they followed him to Robin's camp. "This is Will Scarlet. He is a cheeky rogue with a good sword arm and a slippery tongue."

"My lady," Will bowed, only to yelp when the Doctor yanked out a few of his hairs. "Argh! What do you want with my hair?"

The Doctor scanned them, then frowned. "Well, it's realistic, I'll give you that."

Wanda snorted as Robin went on to the next man. "And this is Friar Tuck. Aptly named, for the amount of grub he tucks into."

"You skinny blackguard," Tuck laughed, along with the others - until he nearly fell on his face trying to walk forward. "What are you doing?" he looked at the Doctor behind him.

The Doctor held up his sandal. "This isn't a real sandal."

"Yes, it is."

The Doctor narrowed his eyes, then sniffed the sandal and blinked. "Oh! Yes, it is."

Robin cleared his throat, going to the next man. "This, er, is Alan-a-Dale. He's a master of the lute, whose music brightens up these dark days."

"Strangers, you are welcome here, in Sherwood's bonny glade," Alan began, only to yelp when the Doctor jabbed something into his arm. "Ow!"

"Sorry, sorry, sorry," the Doctor apologized. "Blood analysis. Oh," he blinked at the results. "All those diseases. If you were real - "

"Don't finish that out loud," Jessie warned, coolly raising an eyebrow.

He paused. "Oh." He nodded at Alan. "Bye."

"And this is John Little, called little John," Robin told them, stepping in front of a huge man. "He's my loyal companion in many an adventure."

As the three companions stared at the man, Jessie's eyebrow raised higher. "So where's the real one?"

All of them gawked at her. "That is - " Robin sputtered.

"Little?" Jessie eyed the man.

The man stepped aside, and a smaller man came forward. "But it works every time!" Will stared at her.

"What can I say?" she smiled. "I'm just that good."

"Oh, I cannot believe this," Clara gushed, looking around. "You . . . you really are Robin Hood and his Merry Men!"

"Aye!" Robin grinned. "That is an apt description. What say you, lads?"

"Aye!" they all agreed, laughing.

Wanda looked at Pietro. "Did Clara just name them the Merry Men?"

"I think so," he nodded.

"Stop laughing," the Doctor scowled at everyone. "Wh are you always doing that? Are you all simple or something?" He picked up a goblet and tossed the liquid inside away before holding it out to Robin. "I'm going to need a sample."

Robin blinked at him. "Of what?"

"And that's my cue," Pietro tugged the Doctor away.

"Excuse us," Clara smiled sweetly before glaring at the Doctor. "What are you doing?"

"Well, they're not holograms, that much is obvious," the Doctor shrugged. "Could be a theme park from the future. Or we might be inside a miniscope."

"Oh, shut up."

"A miniscope. Yes, of course, why not?"

Jessie rolled her eyes and looked at Robin as Pietro wandered off to keep an eye on the Doctor. "Pardon him."

"He seems not quite of the real world," Robin remarked.

"Bye," Jessie spun on her heel and followed after the Doctor and Pietro.

Clara sighed. "No. No, he's not really. Not most of the time."

"Dark days," Wanda turned to Robin.

"My lady?" he frowned.

"You said that these were dark days. What did you mean?"

"King Richard is away on crusade, my lady," Will answered. "His tyrant of a brother rules instead."

"And the Sheriff," Clara said. "'Cos . . . there is a sheriff, right?"

"Aye," Alan nodded. "It is indeed this jackal of the princes who seeks to oppress us forever more."

"Or - " the Doctor was about to break in.

"Ahem!" Jessie clapped a hand over his mouth and glared at him when he stared at her. "Do not tell that man how long he has to live, understand?"

"It's only six months!" Jessie headslapped him for that. "OW!" he yelped out loud, rubbing the back of his head.

"Keep your mouth shut," she ordered.

"Yes, dear," he automatically responded as he winced.

"There we are, then," Jessie smiled sweetly. "Carry on."

"Er . . . " Clara watched her drag him off again, Pietro laughing hysterically in the background.

"It is a shame to dwell on murky thoughts when there is such beauty here," Robin remarked.

Wanda frowned at him. "Then why are you so sad?"

Robin blinked, looking at her. "Why do you think me sad?"

"Because the Doctor's right," Clara cut in before Wanda could say she had been inside his head. Either that, or Robin was broadcasting. "You laugh too much."

Robin sighed. "You know, I do not live this outlaw life by choice. You see, before you, Robert - "

"Earl of Loxley," both said at the same time.

"Yes!" Clara grinned.

"Go on," Wanda told Robin.

"I, er," Robin sighed. "I had my lands and titles stripped from me. I dared to speak out against Prince John. But I lost the thing most dear to me."

Clara smiled. "What was she called?"

"You're so very quick," Robin chuckled. "How does the Doctor stand it?"

"His wife," Wanda said dryly.

"Marian?" Clara asked.

"Is that her name?" Robin blinked, turning to look at Jessie.

"No, no," Clara laughed. "Who you lost."

"You know her?"

"Oh, yes. I have always known her."

"It was Marian who told me that I must stand up and be counted," Robin told her. "But I was afraid. Now this green canopy is my palace and the rough ground my feather bed. Maybe one day I will return home, but until that day . . . until that day, it is beholden on me to be the man Marian wanted, to be a hero for those this tyrant sheriff slaughters."

The Doctor popped back up. "What time is it, Mister Hood?"

Robin looked up at the sky. "Somewhat after noon."

"No, no, time of year. What season?"

"Oh, Dame Autumn has draped her mellow skirts about the forest, Doctor," Robin answered. "The time of mists and harvest approaches."

"Yeah, yeah, all very poetic," the Doctor brushed the fancy bits off. "But it's very green hereabouts, though, isn't it? Like I said, very sunny."

"So?" Clara asked.

"Have you been to Nottingham?"

She tilted her head. "Climate change?"

The Doctor stared at her. "It's 1190," he said slowly, as if that explained everything.

"You must excuse me," Robin cleared his throat. "The Sheriff has issued a proclamation, and tomorrow, there is to be a contest to find the best archer in the land. And the bounty . . . it's an arrow made of pure gold!"

As the rest of the men celebrated, Clara shook her head. "No! Don't! Don't go! It's a trap!"

"Well, of course it is!" Robin laughed. "But a contest to find the best archer in the land? There is no contest!"

The Doctor rolled his eyes at the laughter that received. "Right, that isn't even funny. That was bantering. I am totally against bantering."

"How can you be so sure he is not the real thing?" Wanda tilted her head. "He appears very real to me."

"Because he can't be," the Doctor shook his head.

"When did you stop believing in everything?" Clara frowned at him.

"When did you start believing in impossible heroes?"

"I know when I did," Jessie looked up at him.

The Doctor . . . didn't have a response to that. He just cleared his throat, bit into an apple, then scanned it.

***

"The Doctor is going to do something idiotic, isn't he?" Pietro asked as they sat in the front stands, watching Clara with Robin.

"Is that even a question?" Jessie asked as she clapped politely for the finalists. "Why did you let Clara down there anyway?"

"It is her childhood hero," Pietro shrugged, then grinned. "I did not promise her I would not get jealous, though."

"And that's why I'm wondering why you aren't down there."

"In the contest for the golden arrow, after ten rounds, the battle is betwixt our Lord Sheriff and the stranger known as Tom the Tinker," the herald announced.

The cheer for "Tom the Tinker," also known as Robin Hood, was louder. Pietro frowned, seeing the Sheriff say something. "What did he say?"

Jessie narrowed her eyes. "Perhaps not such a stranger after all."

"Take your places," the herald ordered.

The two stepped forward, then Robin said, "Shall we make the contest a little more interesting, my lord? The targets seem a little close. What say you? Another twenty paces?"

"Why not?" the Sheriff smiled thinly, gesturing for the target to be moved. When it was back far enough for both of them, the Sheriff took aim. His black arrow hit the middle of the bulls-eye. He cackled, turning to Robin. "Now, Tinker, let us see thy true face."

Robin just aimed and fired, splitting the black arrow with his own white one. "Ye Gads!" the herald gasped dramatically. "He has split the arrow! Truly, he is the finest archer in all England. Come forward, Tinker, and claim your prize."

Robin smirked and walked forward to claim the golden arrow, but in the process, was nearly hit by a multi-colored arrow, which split the white one right down the middle. "And there we go," Jessie sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"I'm the Doctor," he said as he walked forward, smirking at the Sheriff and the herald. "My skills as a bowman speak for themselves. I claim my reward." The herald knelt and offered the arrow, and the Doctor picked it up before scoffing. "A mere bauble." He tossed it away towards the Merry Men. "I want something else."

"Name it," the Sheriff answered.

"Enlightenment - "

Before the Doctor could go on, Robin fired again, splitting the Doctor's arrow. "Oh, you've got to be kidding," Jessie closed her eyes.

Pietro just snickered as the Doctor fired again, this arrow bouncing off a guard's armor before splitting Robin's arrow. "This is funny."

Robin didn't even look the next time to split the Doctor's arrow. The Doctor rolled his eyes. "This is getting silly," he declared.

Jessie heard a bang, then shook her head. "Pietro. Please do not tell me he just made the target explode."

"OK."

"He just did, didn't he?"

"With the sonic."

"Wonderful," Jessie ran for the exit, Pietro following her.

They were just in time to join Wanda as the guards drew swords to arrest the Doctor. Clara, on the other hand, grabbed a huge halberd from a rack. "What are you doing?" the Doctor stared at her as she tried to swing it. "Put that down!"

"I'm fine," Clara waved it off. "I take Year Seven for after-school Tae Kwon Do."

"And you had me train you," Jessie took the halberd from her and tossed it aside. "For God's sake, Zero!"

"Don't worry, Doctor," Robin called, drawing his sword. "I'll save you!"

"I don't need saving!" the Doctor narrowed his eyes.

"Your honor is safe!

"I know!"

"For I am Robin!" He removed his hat to cheers. "Robin Hood!"

Jessie's eyes widened as Robin's swing took off one knight's arm, which fell to the ground and sparked. "Witchery!" a voice screamed as the Doctor bent down to examine the robot arm. "Witchery!"

"Robot," the Doctor declared, looking up, grinning when the knight's visor opened to reveal a metal face, a violet light shining brighter from the cross pattern between its eyebrows. "Now we're getting somewhere!"

"Take them!" the Sheriff demanded. "Kill the rest! Kill them all!"

"Wanda!" Jessie shouted.

Wanda was already moving, flinging red energy shields everywhere as the robots started firing, trying to kill everyone. Pietro zoomed in and out between the knights, saving those Wanda couldn't reach. Clara managed to snatch a sword from one of the guards and went to work with that, jumping onto walls to get out of reach. "He surrenders!" the Doctor called.

"What?" Robin blinked.

The Doctor just knocked Robin's sword out of his hand. "Hai!"

"Run!" Jessie shouted.

In one move, Pietro had grabbed Wanda. In another, he grabbed Clara and sped off. "You miserable cur," Robin spat. "I had them on the run!"

"Liar!" Jessie snarled, holding up her hands.

"Flee, lads! Flee!" Robin called to the Merry Men. "Live to fight another day!"

"To the dungeons with all of them," the Sheriff ordered as the Merry Men ran for their lives.

"Glad you remembered that," Jessie whispered as they were led off.

"Quickest way to find out anybody's plans, get yourself captured," the Doctor confirmed.

***

"Splendid," Robin ground out as they sat chained to the floor of the dungeon. "Enchanted."

"That's one word for it," Jessie grimaced.

"Trussed up like turkey-cocks. Thanks to your husband."

"Shut it, Hoodie, I saved your life," the Doctor rolled his eyes.

"I had the situation well in hand!"

"Long-haired ninny versus robot killer knights? I know where I'd put my money."

"If you had not betrayed me, I would have been triumphant."

"You would have been a little puff of smoke and ashes!"

"Oh, ha!"

"You'd have been floating around in tiny little laughing bits in people's goblets!"

"Balderdash. Ha!"

"Oh, right, here we go," the Doctor grumbled. "Here we go. It's laughing time."

"Well, you amuse me, grey old man."

"I just realized they can actually say that now," Jessie thought out loud.

"Guard!" the Doctor shouted, making her wince. "He's laughing again! You can't keep me locked up with a laughing person!"

"Oh, I find that, I find that quite funny," Robin glared at him. "Do you know, I feel another laugh coming on! Ahahaha!"

"Guards, I cannot remain in this cell!" the Doctor shouted, making Jessie close her eyes and lean forward so her head was on her knees. "Execute me now!"

"You heard him!" Robin called. "Execute the old fool!"

"No, hang on, execute him!"

"I do not fear death, so execute away!"

"Execute him! I'd like to see if his head keeps laughing when you chop it off!"

"Oh, Robin Hood always laughs in the face of death!"

"Yes, keep rolling around the floor laughing, I would pay good money to see that!"

Jessie groaned as they kept shouting for a guard. Bloody testosterone! "SHUT UP!" she yelled, quieting both of them immediately. "God, two big egos is a bloody nightmare," she glared. "You do know there isn't actually a guard out there, don't you?"

"Oh," the Doctor blinked.

"I did, in fact," Robin tried to recover.

"No, you didn't," the Doctor snorted.

"At least the Doctor managed to admit it," Jessie glared at Robin. "Shut up, both of you. The Doctor and Robin Hood, locked up in a cellar. Do you both want to starve to death squabbling in here?"

"Well, I'll tell you one thing," Robin straightened. "I'd last a lot longer than this desiccated man crone."

"Trust me, you wouldn't," Jessie smirked. "First, genetic advantage. Second, he definitely does not act like a desiccated crone. Third - " She yanked on her chains, jerking them both. "This is not a competition about who can die slower!"

"It would definitely be me, though," the Doctor felt the need to pitch in.

"No argument there, my love," Jessie smiled at him. "Now, plans. Do either of you two have a plan?"

"Yeah, of course I have a plan," the Doctor nodded.

"I, too, have a plan," Robin cut in.

The Doctor scowled at him. "My wife."

"Robin, you first," Jessie told him.

"Why him?" the Doctor whined.

"Shut up."

"Yes, love."

"Robin? Speak."

"I . . . " Robin faltered. "Am biding my time."

"Thank you, Prince of Thieves." Jessie raised an eyebrow at the Doctor. "Last of the Time Lords?"

"Yes, I have a plan," he nodded.

"Keep in mind, this plan cannot involve the words sonic screwdriver, powers, or phasing. Because the Sheriff of Nottingham has taken your screwdriver, and we do not want to be called witches or wizards."

The Doctor paused. "OK."

"In other words, you do not have a plan."

The door was suddenly unlocked, and Robin grinned. "See? There was a guard. There was a guard listening the whole time. I knew it! Ha ha ha ha ha!"

"The Sheriff himself commanded me to listen, to find out which of you is the true ringleader," the guard said.

"Ah, so he can do the interrogating," the Doctor nodded. "Very wise."

"Excellent," Robin grinned. "He will get nothing from me."

"No, no, no, no, no," the Doctor shook his head. "He will get nothing from me. Because interrogation, that's where I always turn the tables. You see, that's my plan."

"Just hurry up and take me to him," Robin ordered.

"No, no, chop chop, come on."

Jessie rolled her eyes when the guard took her chains off. "Really?"

"Come on," the guard ordered.

"No," the Doctor's eyes widened.

"What are you doing?" Robin stared.

"Don't be ridiculous!" the Doctor shouted as Jessie attempted to struggle. "Let her go!"

***

"'Tis a thing of beauty indeed," Little John said as he examined the golden arrow.

"And will feed a family for a twelvemonth when melted down," Will added.

"Tonight we rest," Tuck declared. "Tomorrow, we must draw up plans to rescue Robin. We shall soon see how those Mechanicals feel about the taste of Nottingham steel. Lord, forgive me."

"Strange, though, is it not?" Alan tilted his head.

"What?" Little John asked.

"All this looting that the Sheriff is doing, and yet 'tis only ever gold that he takes. Pearls, rubies, all the precious jewels of the realm seem no consequence to him. Only gold." He picked up his lute and started singing. "Poor Robin and the strangers lay, in the dungeon all the live-long day. The Merry Men might pine away, upon a Sherwood morning."

From the tree branches, Wanda watched quietly, eyes flashing red as she thought about how the Doctor and the Bad Wolf were doing.

***

"Eat, my lady, eat," the Sheriff urged as he sat across from Jessie at a table groaning under the weight of food. "Let it not be said that the Sheriff of Nottingham is a poor host."

Jessie raised an eyebrow. "I had a bowl of lo mein this morning, thanks."

He tilted his head. "Your words are strange, fair one."

"I like to think they are."

"But I like you. You're refreshingly direct."

"I doubt you'd want to sail all the way to America."

The Sheriff held up an item in clear wrap, then the Doctor's spoon. "Taken from your friend's strange tunic. An intriguing gallimaufry. Including this wand. Evidently, a thing of awesome power. Tell me, are you from beyond the stars?"

"Tell me, oh Sheriff with the robot army," Jessie retorted.

***

"I'm sorry?" the Doctor scowled at Robin.

"No, beat your breast," Robin told him. "Moan. Groan as though twenty devils possessed your guts."

"For what?"

"So as to attract the attention of that gargoyle-faced guard."

"It's your plan, you moan!"

"No, no, no, it won't work."

"Why?"

"Oh, because you're clearly more advanced in years, and you have a sickly aspect to you."

"I have a what?"

"You're as pale as milk. It's the way with Scots. They're strangers to vegetables."

"I'm not moaning. You moan."

Robin scowled. "Fine. If you want something doing." He moaned loudly, then gave him a look. "Can I rely upon you to do the rest?"

"Yes, yes, I know the drill."

Robin kept moaning, and the guard spoke through the grill in the door. "What is this din?"

"No business of yours, cur," the Doctor glared, then turned to Robin. "Speak up. I can't hear you."

"What ails him?" the guard asked as Robin moaned more.

"None of your business."

The guard entered with a frown. "I said, what ails him?"

"Well, if you must know . . . " The Doctor grinned. "He's having a nervous breakdown."

"A what?"

"he's like this whenever he's in any kind of danger. He just can't seem to cope. He gets so afraid. He goes into a kind of fit. I honestly believe that he may die of sheer fright, like some tiny, shivering little mouse." And just because he couldn't help himself - "Oh, God, I think he's soiled himself."

"Let him die," the guard brushed off. "It will save us the trouble of executing him."

The Doctor tilted his head. "And what will happen to the reward?"

The guard perked up. "Reward?"

"Oh, God," the Doctor mocked a grimace. "I shouldn't have said that."

"Tell me!" the guard ordered.

"He carries a vital message. The Prince has promised a bounty."

"A big one?" the guard asked eagerly.

"An enormous one."

Robin mumbled something through his moaning, and the guard leaned in. "What's that? Say again?"

"Come closer," Robin wheezed. The guard did, and Robin scowled at him. "Your breath stinks like a serpent. Has anyone ever told you that?" The guard suddenly keeled over, knocked out, and Robin's eyes widened, looking up at the freed Doctor, one hand fisted with a thick red sheen over it. "You are a wizard, sir!"

"I prefer Avenger or Defender," the Doctor shook his head, taking the guard's key. "But thank you for distracting him. Just what I needed."

***

"But enough of tawdry matters," the Sheriff used his dagger to spear a bit to eat. "Let us talk of softer, sweeter things."

"Ah, yes," Jessie smiled. "As I had hoped."

"You did?"

"Yes. For I have known I was destined to draw the eye of a great and powerful man for a long time. It was the moment I saw those mysterious lights in the sky."

"You saw them, too?" the Sheriff perked up.

"And those strange mechanical men with those promises."

"I too have experienced this."

"You have?" Jessie tilted her head, making sure the firelight caught her hair. Natasha had taught her enough about seduction before. She had never used it on a mission, and she had never used it since marrying the Doctor. But, she was on her own now. If this got the Sheriff to confess . . . well, she could always wipe her mind of the seduction part later. "Ah, yes, the metal men. Please, tell me your story."

"Tell me yours," the Sheriff countered.

"Oh, but sir, you have to go first."

"Why so?"

"Great men always precede."

The Sheriff preened. "You have a point."

"Please, Sheriff, tell me your story," Jessie smiled brilliantly.

The Sheriff leaned back. "Once upon a time, there was a brave and clever and handsome man."

"I can almost picture him," Jessie tiled her head. "I don't even have to close my eyes."

The Sheriff preened even more. "Unappreciated by his royal master."

"Prince John?"

"The very same."

"Then the lights in the sky came, and changed everything?"

The Sheriff nodded. "The skyship came to Earth in a fury of fire."

"Almost as if it were a crash," Jessie nodded. "Yes, I remember it well."

"A craft from the heavenly spheres, bedight with twinkling lights and miracles beyond imagining. The most beautiful thing the brave and handsome man had ever seen."

"I suppose the mechanical men saw you as their natural leader?"

"It was I and I alone to whom the mechanical men then imparted their secrets. Shortly, I shall be the most powerful man in the realm, King in all but name, for Nottingham is not enough."

"It is not?"

"After this, Derby."

"Ah, yes."

"Then Lincoln. And after Lincoln - "

"Worksop?"

The Sheriff drove his dagger into the table. "The world!"

Just like every supervillain, then. Nothing ever changes. "So what are you hanging around here for, then, Your Majesty?" Jessie tilted her head. "Why are you bothering to squeeze pips out of peasants if you've got a skyship on standby?"

The Sheriff stopped. "Enough questions. I'm impatient to hear your story."

"Oh, I don't have one," Jessie smiled sweetly. "I was lying."

The Sheriff blinked. "Lying?"

"Well, not about imagining the man, but that was someone entirely different," she shrugged. "But people are so much better at sharing information if they think the other person has already got it."

The Sheriff leered at her. "Oh, that's very clever."

"Thank you."

"You'll do very well."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Doesn't every king require a consort?"

Jessie flinched when the Sheriff grabbed her to kiss her, and she swiftly ducked out of it, a hand to her chest to calm her racing hearts. "Right," she shook her head, swallowing. "You do that again, and you'll regret that."

***

On their way through the halls, the Doctor stopped, putting a hand to his chest. "Is something the matter?" Robin asked.

The Doctor growled. "If we ever see the Sheriff, I am punching him first."

"Whatever for?"

"For thinking he can lay a hand on my wife and get away with it."

Robin, for once, didn't argue. "That he will not."

The Doctor nodded and strode on faster, only to stop when he saw a metal doorway. He walked through it, beaming when he saw the long, metal room with a glowing hemisphere on the far console. "At last. Something real. No more fairy tales."

Robin gawked at it all. "What is this place?"

"A spaceship," the Doctor answered, going over to the console. "More twenty-ninth century than twelfth. Data banks, data banks, data banks . . . where was this ship headed?" He blinked when he saw it. "The Promised Land again. Like the Half-Faced Man, but more sophisticated. It disguised itself as a twelfth century castle." He nodded as he watched information fly across the screen. "it merges into the culture, tries to keep a low profile, so no one notices. That explains the robot knights. But the engines . . . the engines are damaged. They're leaking radiation into the local atmosphere, creating a temporary climate of staggering benevolence."

"I beg pardon?" Robin blinked.

"I told you. It's too sunny. It's too green. And there is even an evil sheriff to oppress the locals. This explains everything, even you."

"It does?"

"Well, what does every oppressed peasant workforce need? The illusion of hope. Some silly story to get them through the day, lull them into docility, and keep them working. Ship's data banks. Full of every myth and legend you could hope for, including Robin Hood." He gestured as the story rolled across the screen. "Isn't it time you came clean with me? You're not real, and you know it. Look at you. Perfect eyes, perfect teeth. Nobody has a jawline like that. You're as much a part of what is happening here as the Sheriff and his metal knights. You're a robot."

"You dare to accuse me of collusion with that villain, the Sheriff?" Robin scowled.

"I dare," the Doctor nodded.

"You false-tongued knave! I should have skewered you when I had the chance!"

The Doctor snorted. "I would like to see you try." He paused when the door was blown in by lasers. "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, y - " he began to roll his eyes, only to pause when Jessie was shoved in at knife-point. "J!"

"Surrender, outlaw," the Sheriff ordered.

"Very good," the Doctor narrowed his eyes to slits.

"Kill him," the Sheriff ordered. "Kill Robin Hood."

"You can drop all that stuff now, Sheriff," the Doctor scoffed.

"Doctor?" Jessie blinked.

"He is not what you think he is. This is all play-acting."

"Is it really?"

"You're not fooling anyone, Sheriff," the Doctor scowled.

A laser from a knight knocked Robin back, and Jessie's eyes rolled. The Sheriff stumbled through her, and Jessie strode forward. "Give him my best," she said sweetly.

"Are you all right?" the Doctor asked in concern.

"Better now."

"Find the others."

"I will," she nodded, kissing him. "Good luck."

"And you," he nodded, watching her walk towards the window, hover off the ground, grab Robin, then fly out the window like a wraith.

The Sheriff stared after her. "Such a pretty thing. What a queen she would have made." His head whipped to the side when the Doctor threw a hard right hook at him. He spat on the ground, glaring at the Doctor, the Time Lord glaring right back. "I assume that struck a chord."

"Be careful of how you speak of my wife," the Doctor growled. "You are on a fine line, Sheriff, and it ends now. Stop pretending, you and your fancy robots. I get it. I understand."

"Oh, so you, too, know my plans?"

"You and your robots plundering the surrounding countryside for all its worth. Gold. Gold. Of course, gold. You are creating a matrix of gold to repair the engine circuitry."

"This is the scheme the Mechanicals have devised," the Sheriff confirmed. "Soon, this skyship will depart. Destination, London. There, I will obliterate the King and take my rightful place as ruler of this sceptered isle."

"It won't work," the Doctor shook his head. "There's not a chance. I've seen the instruments. There's been too much damage. You are stoking up a gigantic bomb!"

"Shush," the Sheriff held up a finger.

The Doctor frowned, then felt a hard hit to his head, knocking him out.

***

When he woke up again, he heard a knight's voice. "Engine capacity at forty-eight percent."

"It's not enough," he mumbled, sitting up. "That's not enough. It'll never make orbit!" He paused, hearing a mechanical whumph noise. "That's the engines, building power. Stupid, stupid Sheriff." He tried to get up, then growled. "Argh!" He phased through the chains, rubbing his wrists, before pausing and seeing a young woman staring at him. "What? What are you looking at?"

***

"And she was this witch," Robin was trying to explain.

"Not a witch," Jessie shook her head as she approached the Merry Men camp with Clara and the Maximoffs behind her. "Mutant."

Robin glared at her. "The time for games is over."

"I agree," Jessie narrowed her eyes.

***

"I think I understand you," the young woman told the Doctor. "The Sheriff's using the gold to replace something."

"That's the principle," the Doctor nodded. "But he's a moron. If he tries to fly this ship, it'll explode and wipe out half the country. What we need is a little riot. Time to reflect on lasers and gold. Spread the word."

***

"You will tell me everything this Doctor knows about Robin Hood and his Merry Men," Robin ordered.

"What is this?" Clara snorted. "An interrogation?"

"And then you will tell me exactly who this Doctor is and what are his plans."

"Oh, the plans, I can definitely share," Jessie smirked, withdrawing her hands from the confines of her cloak to reveal she had her two swords sheathed underneath, and Wanda held up her hands, red energy swirling around. "Fight time."

***

"You are fit for labor," a knight said as it stopped in front of the Doctor and the young woman. "Stand aside while this peasant unit is freed."

"I'm afraid you're a little late," the Doctor tsked.

"Explain."

"I'm already free!" he held up his free hands.

The knight's beam powered up, but the Doctor held up a hand, using the Aether to deflect it. The knight turned to the young woman, but she held up a gold plate, bouncing the beam back at the knight, making its head explode. As the other knights attempted to shoot the other workers, they all revealed their own gold plates, making knights explode. "Everyone, the last one!" the Doctor ordered as they surrounded the last. The knight fired, but several gold plates and one Aether shield kept it bouncing around until it finally hit the knight again, making it explode. As everyone cheered, the Doctor let the Aether dissipate. "Out, out!" he gestured. "Everyone, quickly, get out! Quickly!"

"You've saved us all, clever one," the young woman beamed, kissing his cheek. "Thank you!"

"Engine capacity at eighty-two percent," one knight said as the Sheriff stormed in.

"You are indeed an ingenious fellow, Doctor," the Sheriff remarked as the young woman fled. "But do you really think your peasants revolt can stop me?"

"I rather think you're the revolting one around here," the Doctor countered. "I'm bantering. I'm bantering. Listen to me. You don't have enough gold content to seal the engine breach. If you try and take off, you'll wipe out half of England."

"Liar!" the Sheriff snarled. "From my sky vessel, I shall rule omnipotent."

"You pudding-headed primitive, shut down the engines," the Doctor snapped. "What you're doing will alter the course of history!"

"I sincerely hope so, or I wouldn't be bothering," the Sheriff shook his head, tossing a knight's head into the crucible.

"Listen to me," the Doctor narrowed his eyes. "It doesn't have to end like this. Shut it all down, and I'll do what I can. Robin's one of yours."

The Sheriff blinked. "What did you say?"

"He's one of your tin-headed puppets, just like these brutes here."

"Robin Hood is not one of mine," he shook his head.

"Of course he is. He's a robot, created by your mechanical mates."

"Why would they do that?"

"To pacify the locals, give them false hope. He's the opiate of the masses."

"Why would we create an enemy to fight us? What sense would that make? That would be a terrible idea."

"Yes! Yes, it would." He blinked. "Wouldn't it? Yes, that would be a rubbish idea. Why would you do that? But he can't be! He's not real! He's a legend!"

"Too kind!" Robin's voice called, and he looked up to see Robin up in the gallery. "And this legend does not come alone."

"Did you really think we'd miss the party?" Jessie grinned as she appeared next to Robin, now in full Asgardian battle armor.

"Hiya!" Clara waved as she and the Maximoffs joined them.

Robin slid down the wall hanging, Clara grabbing Pietro and running down the wall. Jessie and Wanda just leapt down and secured their landing with their powers. "You all right?" Robin asked Clara.

"Hell, yeah!" she grinned.

"Good," Robin smirked. "My men have taken the castle."

"No!" the Sheriff snarled.

"Now I'm going to take you," Robin pointed his sword at the Sheriff.

"This one's all mine," the Sheriff narrowed his eyes, touching an amulet around his neck. The other two knights powered down. "What do you say, outlaw?" He drew his sword. "A final reckoning?"

"Oh, yes," Robin nodded.

"Are you OK?" the Doctor asked as he walked over to join the others, the two men dueling behind him.

"Fine, yeah," Clara nodded.

"Good. We don't have long."

"I shall avenge every slight, outlaw!" the Sheriff bellowed as the keep rumbled and shook.

"Doctor," Pietro looked up.

"I know," the Doctor nodded. "The whole castle's about to blow."

"You have long been a thorn in my side!" the Sheriff growled.

"Well, everyone should have a hobby," Robin shrugged. "Mine's annoying you."

"I'll have you boiled in oil at the castle by sunset!"

"Can we make it a little earlier? 'Cos that's a little past my bedtime."

The Sheriff snarled as Robin cut a rope and flew on it up to the crossbeams. "I'm too much for you, outlaw. The first of a new breed! Half-man, half-machine!" He cut another rope to join Robin and continue dueling. "Never aging, never tiring."

"Are you still talking?"

The Sheriff cut Robin's arm, making the man drop his sword. Robin paused, looking down at the Doctor, then held out his arms. "Bow down before your new king, you prince of knaves!" the Sheriff snarled.

As the Sheriff charged, Robin straightened and spun so they were back to back. Then Robin kicked the Sheriff in the knee, making him fall into the gold-filled crucible. The man screamed as he fell in, and Robin took a rope back down to the ground. "Sorry," Robin grinned sheepishly. "Was that, er, was that showing off?"

"I did not see that one coming," Pietro tilted his head.

The castle shook even more, and this time, masonry began falling. "Run!" the Doctor shouted, taking Jessie's hand and taking off. "Come on, run!"

***

They made it across the moat to see the ship take off. "It's never going to make it," the Doctor shook his head. "Not enough gold. It'll never make it into orbit." He stopped, looking around. "Where is it? Where did it go?"

"Where did what go?" Clara asked.

"The golden arrow!"

"Tuck has it," Wanda answered.

The Doctor blinked. "You took it?"

"Of course we did," Tuck handed it over. "We're robbers."

"I love you boys," the Doctor sighed in relief.

"Doctor, what are you suggesting?" Clara asked.

"Golden arrow," the Doctor held it up. "It might just be enough gold content to get the ship into orbit and out of harm's way."

He handed it to Robin, who shook his head. "No, it has to be you. My arm is injured."

"Well, he cheated," Wanda shrugged. "I was the one directing the arrows."

"Oh, brilliant," Clara sighed. "Right, let me have a go."

"Tae Kwon Do is not the same thing as archery," Pietro pointed out.

"Well, good thing I learned on Asgard," Jessie plucked the bow and the arrow from the Doctor, walking to the edge of the moat. "Wanda, might need you to back me up on this."

"Ready," Wanda nodded, eyes glowing red.

Jessie pulled the bow back to full draw, aiming towards the ship, narrowing her eyes. "Bingo," she whispered, releasing.

Wanda gave the arrow a magic boost, sending it right at the ship. The ship sped onwards, exploding out of range. The crowd of people cheered, and Jessie gave Wanda a high five before hugging her. "One awful day in Nottingham, Brave Robin Hood was in a jam," Alan sang on his lute. "The arrow flew true - "

Will snatched the lute from him with a laugh. "Give it a rest, Alan!"

"Give me my lute!" Alan chased after him.

Jessie chuckled at the Doctor as he made a face at all the laughing. "Still not a fan of the laughing thing?"

"No, no, no, no," the Doctor shook his head as everyone around him laughed.

***

"Woohoo!" Clara cheered after she managed to finally shoot an arrow accurately, then turned to Robin with a smile. "I'm going to miss you. You're very naughty."

"My girlfriend!" Pietro called out a reminder.

"Oh, I know," Robin chuckled. "You are a very lucky man."

Pietro smirked smugly. "I know."

Clara rolled her eyes, then smiled at Robin. "Marian is very lucky, too."

"I fear not," Robin sighed.

"Don't give up. Not ever. Not for a single day." She kissed his cheek, then smiled. "Be safe, if you can be. But always be amazing."

"Hmm," he considered.

"Goodbye, Robin Hood."

"Goodbye, Clara Oswald."

She winked at him, then took Pietro's hand as they walked into the TARDIS as the Doctor and Jessie walked out, Jessie's red velvet cloak back to covering her armor. "So is it true, Doctor?" Robin asked.

"Is what true?" he asked.

"That in the future, I am forgotten as a real man? I am but a legend?"

"Afraid so," Jessie smiled sadly.

"Hmm," Robin nodded. "Good. History is a burden. Stories can make us fly."

"I'm still having a little trouble believing yours, I'm afraid," the Doctor admitted.

"Is it so hard to credit? That a man born into wealth and privilege should find the plight of the oppressed and weak too much to bear - "

"No," he shook his head.

"Until one night, he is moved to steal a TARDIS? Fly among the stars, fighting the good fight?"

The Doctor blinked, and Jessie shrugged. "Guilty."

He glared at her. "You should not have told him any of that."

"Why not?" Jessie tilted her head. "Impossible heroes. You were mine the moment you saved me."

"I'm not a hero," he shook his head.

"You're an Avenger. We're the Defenders of the Universe. If those aren't heroes, I don't know what are."

"I'm not a hero, either," Robin shrugged. "But if we all keep pretending to be . . . ha ha! Perhaps others will be heroes in our name. Perhaps we will all be stories. And may those stories never end."

"Amen to that," Jessie smiled, giving him a hug.

"Goodbye, Bad Wolf, Time Lady of Asgard," Robin told her, then shook the Doctor's hand. "Goodbye, Doctor, Time Lord of Gallifrey."

"Goodbye, Robin Hood, Earl of Loxley," the Doctor responded.

"And remember, Doctor," Robin said as Jessie opened the door. "I'm just as real as you are."

The Doctor nodded curtly and headed inside. "Admit it," Pietro snickered as they walked up. "You like him."

"Well, I'm leaving him a present, aren't I?" the Doctor winked as he set the TARDIS into motion.

Jessie smiled warmly as she watched Robin reunite with the woman from the castle, who had turned out to be Marian, his lost love. "And may they live happily ever after."

***

 . . . the end. <3

Moment I saw that scene where the Sheriff tried to kiss Clara, I immediately knew Jessie would be the one going in there, partly because I could already see the Doctor going on a rampage . . . and partly because she would so own that dungeon with or without Clara. XD

Next up, Jessie and Clara try something new, which I believe Miss Gatiss might possibly know about. ;) And then, Caly loses Rory in a two-parter . . . then it's "Midnight" . . .

Great. Two happy updates, then two really depressing ones. Oh, the wonderful world of Doctor Who fanfiction. *sigh*

See you all soon!