*Dedicated to Allison Affleck, Minna Kim, and Michael Geis*

For months

I have felt

As if my body

Was telling me

The future

I was unable

To eat anything solid

Or if so

In small portions

It was as if there

Was a blockage in my stomach

Low-Dose Naltrexone

LDN for short

Was said to have

Positive effects

On people with

ME

But I was seeing none of it

Instead my stomach shrunk

And shrunk

Until even the sight of food

Made me want to throw up

To make matters worse

A many year battle with

Ovarian cysts

Started happening weekly

And rupturing

The pain was bad and it landed

Me in the ER

Many a time

My doctor prescribed strong medicine

To combat this nuisance

Continuing to add to the already

Smoldering pile

Within my body

A nearly 3 decade old

Mystery stomach pain

Came back with a vengeance

But here

Finally

A diagnosis!

A hernia that needed

Immediate surgery

So off I went to have

The hole closed with a mesh

And in order to recover properly

Had to force myself to walk

Now for a healthy human being

This would have not been a problem

But one must understand

That as a person diagnosed in 2012

With ME

An incurable illness that has been around

For over 80 years

I spent 2 years completely

Bedridden

Relying on canes

Shower chairs

Other people

Wheelchairs

Crawling on my hands and knees

Just to get around

That is when I actually could move

I was immobile

All before I turned 30

1-4 million Americans and

17 million Worldwide

As that number grows steadily every year

Will be an epidemic soon

But I digress

So I started slowly walking

Around my house

Thanks to dissolvable stitches

I did not need to worry about

Doctors' visits

And then as all post operations go

You feel pain

But mine doubled as another

Massive ovarian cyst ruptured

And I was taking these hardcore

Painkillers to relieve the awful pain

As the side effects kicked in

And over the counter medicines were

Given to combat those

My stomach gave out

I could no longer keep anything down

Or in

I was rushed to the ER yet again

They couldn't stop the process

As I begged for help

For the first time in my life

I cried in front of strangers

Something my mother had prayed

She would never see

The illness was ripping me to shreds

From the inside out

When I got home

Because I refused to stay in the hospital

As they couldn't help me anyways

I was in my mother's bed with her

Just lying there and crying

When out of nowhere

I stopped breathing

As she recounts it

I went completely pale

My eyes glazed over

And my breathing stopped

Panicked

She slapped my face lightly, shook me

And called my name

I remember as my breathing stopped

Being ready to go

But I wasn't received

It was not my time yet

That's when I started breathing again

On my own

Without any help of resuscitation

As I cried and cried for days

That was the straw that broke

The camel's back

On August 1st, 2015

Was the day I felt

Rebirth

Something broke through me

Light went into my body

Through my head

To my feet and into the ground

Though I am nowhere near

Healed or cured

I feel that since then

I have been inching

Towards recovery

On bad days

When panic attacks

That started after last ER visit

Hit me in the mornings

I try to breathe through them

I leave the bad days in the past

I do not look back there

Nor do I make solid future plans

I live one day at a time

Prayers work wonders

One doesn't have to be religious

Or follow a specific G-d

Just say words from your heart

And send it out to the universe

The rest will be taken care of

My rebirth is a daily

Work process where I

Walk on my own

Eat all foods

See doctors/therapists that I know

Will help me moving forwards

Leaving my past

Even that of over a month ago

Seems like a lifetime already

As I move one inch at time

Towards turning 32.