At least for now, i have to leave. Apparently this is what's making me depressed. I know this is lame, but i can't listen to music anymore and the voices are getting too loud. I can't see, i can't breathe, i can't feel anything anymore. I want to die. I want to die so badly want to scream. but someone can always hear me. I don't want to die because of some noble reason. Not because nobody sees me. Not because I don't matter. Because i want the easy way out. I've always wanted the easy way. I know that this is stupid. I know that i'll grow out of it. But while i'm siting here in the bathroom sick to my stomach, I can't help but think of how good it would feel to just use one of my siblings' dull razors. I'm not going to die tonight. I don't want to ruin another one of my parent's getaways. I need to tell someone. I'm so sorry. I care about all of you. All the people who made me a little happier for a little while. Who tolerated my bullshit. Who told me i wasn't useless. I truly love all of you. I don't want to hurt you. My parents say getting rid of this will make me happier. They don't know i use the constant river to drown out the voices in my head. They tell me i'm worthless. I'm stupid. Nobody likes me. I managed to keep them quiet for a whole month. Great year this has been. I should stop bottling this up. Maybe I should just let people know how horrible of a person I am. But I know they'll just laugh. Every time i've tried to revolt my tiny body just gets weaker. Another talk with the principal. Another slap on the wrist to those douchebag people that don't know any better. I wish I could tell you all everything that's swirling through my head. But every time I try to form a coherent sentence, everything I wanted to say is forgotten. I'm still here. For now. I don't know how long i'll be able to stand this. I'll wake up tomorrow and try to pretend like none of this happened. This is just a phase. Future me is going to hate me. If they don't already. I'll quit feeling sorry for my self. I'll quit being a whiny white girl who complains about problems that everyone else can handle. I'll just shove it down, and hope it doesn't swallow me whole.

If you try to talk to me tomorrow, I won't respond. If you try to text me, I won't either. I'm alive. I promise. I might come back if i'm better. But for now, thank you for helping me drown out the voices. Cass, i'm sorry for forgetting your name. Thank you for always being there. and stop saying sorry so much. You don't deserve to hate yourself.I can't remember anyone else. Sorry. I'm stupid. Thank you so much everyone who cared. Goodbye. I hope I miss you.