Shattered (Chapters 1-5) by ronyswizzle

Reviewed by AmyMarieZ 

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Overview: Shattered is a heart-wrenching story about Alexis, a young woman who is physically and mentally abused by her husband, Adrian, a man suffering from Dissociative Identity Disorder. The story follows Alexis as she is shattered physically and emotionally, and then as she searches for an escape from torment.

Structure: In its current state, the story appears to be a very rough draft. The majority of the story is written in the first-person past tense, although there are a few locations where it briefly switches to third person POV. I believe these are simply errors that were missed during editing. I suspect the story may have originally been written in the third person and switched to the first person later.

I think first person narration works well for this story. So much of the story focuses on the torment that Lexi is subjected to and how she feels about it. The first-person narrative allows the story to really develop Lexi's conflicted feelings about Adrian, a man she once loved who has become her greatest nightmare. Lexi's descriptions of what being in love with Adrian was like, and then losing that love, come across strongly and the pain this young woman endures is evident.

Grammar: Since the story appears to be a very rough draft, there are many grammatical errors throughout the chapters. It appears that some of the chapters have not even been proofread. I will use this section to point out the main recurring errors I noticed that are easy fixes. Fixing the simple errors will give the story a much more polished feel and make it much more appealing to a perspective reader.

On error I noticed throughout the chapters was capitalization. In a sentence, only the first word of the sentence and any proper nouns within the sentence should be capitalized. For example, in chapter three:

Sometimes When Life Gets Hard, you wish can run away or go somewhere where no one can find you.

Should read:

Sometimes, when life gets hard, you wish you could run away or go somewhere where no one can find you.

Since "When Life Gets Hard" is not a proper noun, it should not be capitalized. I have also added in a few missing words.

Another thing I noticed was frequent missing punctuation around dialog. When a dialog tag is used, for example "he said" or "I shouted," there should be a comma after the last word of the dialog. When there is no dialog tag, there should be a period (or an exclamation point or question mark if necessary.)

For example, in chapter 2:

" Thank you rob" Taking a deep breath, I left the car and realized we were in the beach, The same beach that he promised me that he will make me the happiest woman alive but I guess he didn't keep his promise.

This sentence has a couple of errors. First, "Rob" should be capitalized because it is a name. It should have a period after it because it is dialog that is not followed by a tag. Next, "the" should not be capitalized because it is not the beginning of a new sentence. Finally, my recommendation would be to break large sentences like this into multiple sentences because they are a bit bulky and confusing to read. Here is my suggestion:

"Thank you, Rob." Taking a deep breath, I left the car and realized we were at the beach—the same beach where he promised he would make me the happies woman alive. I guess he didn't keep that promise.

Finally, I noticed many locations where periods where missing, especially at the end of chapter two. I would highly recommend at least giving the story a rough proof read or finding an editor or friend to help check the drafts.

Pace: The pacing in the chapters I read seemed a bit fast. Taking the time to develop the actions and scenes a bit more could help to slow the pace of the story and allow the reader to immerse themselves in it a bit more.

In chapter 1, for example, I thought the actions Lexi does right after her husband left were a bit rushed. This is a very emotional scene and going into more detail of how she does things, for example going to take a bath, could help to show her mental state in a way her thoughts alone can't.

I thought that the scene development and pacing in chapter two was the most balanced of all of the chapters. I still think a bit more description could bring it to life and make it even more vivid, but this one read at a more even pace for me. The balance of dialog and description in the opening scene where Adrian and Alexis were in the kitchen was well done. The combination of the flashback and Lexi's thoughts on being in love with Adrian during the car ride to the beach created a nice, even pace that allowed the scene to build a lot of suspense leading up to her arrival at the beach.

The actions in chapter three felt very rushed. This chapter has so much potential to be suspenseful and terrifying, because Lexi is attacked and must run for her life, but because the pace was so quick, it was difficult to visualize the scene and understand what was going on. Adding more descriptions about what Lexi feels when she is attacked could help place the reader in her spot a bit more easily and allow them to feel that terror and relate more strongly to the character. Describing specific actions Lexi does to try to defend herself, as well as the specific actions Adrian does when he is attacking her with more precision could help make the scene clearer and easier to visualize. Finally, when Lexi manages to break free and runs from Adrian, slowing the pace to actually show how she gets from one place to another would make it a bit easier to follow what is going on.

Character Development: The characters in Shattered have the potential to really make the reader feel for them. In this review, I will provide my thoughts on three of the important characters.

ALEXIS: Alexis makes for a good character because she is one that is easy for the reader to route for. She is a good hearted and well-meaning woman who has found herself in such a miserable situation. She deserves to be loved, but she thinks she will find that love with her abusive husband Adrian. Seeing her thought process is heartbreaking. At least in her eyes, her relationship with her husband was once good. She did truly love him at one point and believed that he truly loved her. Because of this, despite his constant abuse, she tries to convince herself that the man she once loved really still does exist beneath the monster. I particularly liked the characterization of her in chapter two where she explains what being in love with him felt like. It is saddening to read, because it is clear that in order to free herself, Alexis needs to realize that she is worth more than the way Adrian treats her. She deserves better.

In the current version of the story, there seem to be a few inconsistencies in Alexis' thought processes. For example, at the end of chapter 1, she appears to have a change of heart and realize that she needs to get out of her situation. She calls her friend Rose and proposes a plan to escape to London. Her sudden shift in thought process seems very abrupt. I think showing how she finally comes to the decision that things are not going to change unless she makes the change would have helped me connect with the character a bit more.

Moving into chapter 2, it almost seems like Alexis' decision to make a change never happened. She does not think about her plan with Rose at all, and instead reverts back to wishing that things would change and Adrian would love her again. I thought there was some interesting character development here with the flashback. It is clear that Adrian did once treat her well, which makes it more painful because it allows the reader to understand what Alexis has lost and what she is trying to grab hold of once again, even though it is no longer there.

ADRIAN / MAX: Adrian is an absolute monster, but he does make for an interesting character. He is shown as completely manipulative and terrifying. The story opens with him physically, emotionally, and verbally abusing his wife, Alexis. We don't get to see more of him until chapter two when Alexis wakes up the next morning and he has the nerve to apologize to her and pretend like none of it was as bad as it really was. He manipulates her, making her feel like perhaps she is to blame. However, his threatening and menacing nature resurfaces when she refuses to go on a date with him, and he forces her to agree through threats.

In the flashback of how Adrian proposed to Alexis, he comes across as loving and kind to her, which shows how someone could possibly fall in love with a monster like him in the first place. However, in the flashback, it is also shown that perhaps all of Adrian's love is just an act. While his proposal speech to her was lovely, it turns out that he didn't even write it himself. Perhaps he was just nervous about the proposal and wanted it to be just right, but given his character, it comes across as insincere, and it seems like his feelings for Alexis were a lie all along.

At the end of chapter two, the readers learn that Adrian has Dissociative Identity Disorder. Adrian has another side known as Max, who seems to be the even more abusive and monstrous version of Adrian. The information about Adrian's disorder is presented through and author's note. In my opinion, this is not the most effective way of conveying this information. I think that if it could somehow be included in the story itself, perhaps through one of Lexi's many calls to her friend Rose, it would be more effective. I do not think it is necessary for the reader to know it in chapter two, because there are enough clues for them to understand the context of what is going on without knowing exactly what is wrong with Adrian. This information could be included at another point in the story.

ROSE: Rose plays the role of Alexis' supportive friend. It is a relief that Alexis has someone like Rose to confide in and someone who will (hopefully!) help her escape her situation.

Unfortunately, in the current revision of Shattered, the presentation of Rose's character is very inconsistent. At the end of the first chapter, it is clear that Rose knows something isn't right with Lexi, since she messages her to ask if she is okay and if Adrian hurt her. Rose knows or at least suspects that Adrian abuses his wife. The women come to a plan to help Lexi escape from Adrian by going to London. However, this plan is completely forgotten in the next chapter when Rose calls Lexi on the phone to ask if everything is all right and Lexi tells Rose everything that happened. It seems like the conversation on the phone the previous night never happened at all.

In chapter five, Rose and Lexi go out shopping. It is great to see Lexi appreciating herself here, and it is good of Rose to take her friend out like this. However, even though in multiple chapters Lexi has explained to Rose what is going on, Rose still acts like she is only suspicious that something might be up. I would suggest reading though the chapters to make sure the time line of what is going on between Lexi and Rose is consistent.

Description: In general, I feel like more description could help to develop the scenes in this story a bit more, as I mentioned in the "Pacing" section of this review. However, I found the descriptions that were well developed to be very well done. I'll use this section to highlight some of my favorite descriptions in Shattered.

One description I loved was the description of the "date" Adrian has set up for Alexis in chapter two. The beach scape dinner for two that mimics the scene where he proposed to her is lovely (although unfortunately it becomes a scene of torment where Alexis is attacked by her husband.) Another description I really liked was the description at the beginning of chapter four when Alexis wakes up in the hospital. At first, she does not know where she is. Though only the descriptions Alexis provides, the reader is able to figure out where she is before even Alexis herself knows.

I think my favorite description of all was the dream sequence Alexis has in chapter four at the hospital. The dream is described in a surreal and mysterious way. It draws my attention and gives me the feeling that it is very significant, even though I don't yet understand the what or the why of it.

Plot: The plot of Shattered shows a lot of potential. The story of a young woman escaping from an abusive husband is a compelling plot. There are many things I liked about the story. First, I liked the amount of time put into the flashback showing what Lexi and Adrian's relationship was like at the beginning. It allowed me to gain some good backstory and it showed why it is so difficult for Lexi to let go. It also hints at how something may not have been right with their relationship from the start, but Lexi either didn't pick up on it or ignored it because she didn't want it to be true. Another element I really liked about the plot was the dream sequence Lexi has when she is in the hospital. The car crash is mysterious and comes across as significant. The surreal feel of this scene makes me feel like it is perhaps something that happened to Lexi in the past that she is trying to come to terms with.

Unfortunately, the plot of Shattered struggles because there are so many inconsistencies throughout the story. For example, Lexi and Rose's plan to go to London is very unclear. It seems like the plan is made in chapter 1, but then it is completely forgotten in the chapters that follow. In chapter five, Lexi introduces the plan again as though it is the first time it is being mentioned.

Another major inconsistency in the story was when Lexi meets Adrian at the beach in chapter two. In chapter three he attacks her, but it seems like she is not at a beach at all, but instead in a building of some sort. This inconsistency is disorienting to read and makes the story hard to stay invested in.

My main impression of the plot of the story is that there is a good idea in it, but perhaps the chapters of the story were written at different times and have not been proofread for consistency. The placement of individual plot elements often changes as a work is revised. While the plot of this story may be strong in general, because the individual elements are jumbled around, it is confusing to read. I would recommend spending the time to plan out the exact order of events in the story, and then read through the draft to ensure that all of the events follow that timeline.

Summary: Currently, Shattered is a story in a very rough draft state. Plot and character inconsistencies, as well as numerous grammatical errors lead to the story not having a "polished" feel. However, the idea behind the story and the main plot show great promise. With a bit of cleanup, this will make a great read!