Chapter 3

'You don't deserve to be here.'

He was crying uncontrollably, his chest felt so tight that it was hard to allow air into his lungs. He couldn't breathe.

'Stop hurting those around you and just kill yourself.'

The bedroom light was turned off and the pitter patter of the harsh rain on the window was muffled out by the sound of Jimin sobbing piteously. The streetlights shone through the glass and provided the room with an orange glow. 

'Cry more, it's what you do best.'

In the middle on the floor, was a curled up black-haired boy. Even though it was cold, he was sitting there in just a white, oversized t-shirt and grey sweatpants. Whether he was shivering from the temperature or sadness was unknown.

"Smile Jimin, this is a happy movie!" Taehyung vainly tried to cheering the smaller boy.

"I'm not in the mood." Jimin was sat on the sofa, Taehyung was stood up after having gone to prepare some drinks and Jeongguk was on his phone.

"C'mon, cheer up!" Taehyung repeated. He smiled at his friend in an attempt to make him do the same.

"I don't want to cheer up!" Jimin shouted at the top of his lungs, tears falling down his chubby cheeks. He stood up and faced Taehyung. The dark made the situation more intimidating. Their faces were light up from the TV screen. Jeongguk moved over to the corner of the room to switch the light on.

"Woah there, are you okay? What's wrong?" Taehyung asked concerned.

"None of your fucking business!"

"Hey Jimin, no need to shout at Tae, he's just trying to help. Your parents didn't raise you to snap at people." Jeongguk defended his friend after walking back towards them. Taehyung looked slightly scared.

"Don't tell me what to do, at least I have fucking parents!" Jimin snapped at his other friend. Jeongguk and Taehyung gasped at the words, both of them shocked at what he had said. Jeongguk then looked at Jimin with tears in his anxious eyes.

"That was uncalled for Jimin. Jeongguk's family has nothing to do with this." Taehyung stated angrily, his voice deep as all hell. 

"Fuck off." Jimin said, venom laced in his voice. Jeongguk was crying silently, hurt by his friend's cruel words.

"I think you need to leave." Taehyung demanded. He was scary when angry.

More sobs could be heard in the cramped room.

'You had two friends and even they don't want to be around you anymore'

Jimin was scared. Scared that he might have lost his best friends. Scared that he'd hurt people who were there for him. Scared that his negative thoughts might overpower his actions.

'Now if you did kill yourself no one would miss you.'

Jimin pushed himself up. His toes were cushioned by the soft carpet under his feet, his torso covered warmly by two items of clothing. His mind should have been eased by the Xanax he'd taken three hours ago. But he felt none of that, he only felt sadness, fear and disgust.

'Just kill yourself!'

He padded into the bathroom and locked the door. When he turned the light on, the harshness of it blinded him momentarily. The room smelled like a mixture of mint and bleach, both fresh scents overwhelming. He grabbed the cool edges of the sink and stared down at it. He was uneasy, not quite certain of what to do. He shakily opened the white cabinet door and took out a battered box of Paracetamol.

"Hey, welcome home!" May greeted Jimin when he got back late at night. His two roommates were sat on the sofa doing something on a laptop. Once May saw his saddened expression, she instantly changed her expression to worry. "Are you okay, Jimin?"

"I'm just fucking dandy. As happy as can be, can't you tell?" He said with a sarcastic smile on his face.

"What's wrong?" The other girl, Ruby, asked.

"I hate all of you!" Jimin shouted. "I'm fed up off you all being so nice to me. Stop it! Stop lying to me!" He sobbed. "I know you all hate me! 'Oh look, here comes depressed Jimin again! Gotta be nice to him so he feels better about himself.' I know you're all happy when I'm gone! You have no idea how I feel so just leave me alone!"

"Jimin, I don't know what you mean, but we don't hate you and you're not alone." May explained, slowly making her way towards Jimin.

"Don't come near me, fucking liar!" Jimin shouted.

"I'm not going to-"

"I said don't fucking come near me! Didn't you hear what I said or are you always this dumb? No wait, yeah, you're always fucking dumb!" Jimin said and May stopped in her tracks.

"Shut the fuck up, Jimin. Just because you're hurting, it doesn't fucking mean you can harm others. Everyone goes through shit so don't think you're alone. Say another fucking mean thing to May, and I'll beat the shit out of you! She doesn't deserve it and is only trying to help. Open your fucking eyes, idiot. No one's perfect and neither are you!" Ruby shouted back, rage in her eyes.

"I know I'm not perfect, but at least I'm not a piece of shit like you! Worthless whore!" Jimin retorted. May stood back with widened eyes.

"Let's get one thing straight, you have no right to be angry at us. 'Wow, my name's Jimin and fucking hate myself!' " Ruby imitated. "Welcome to the real world Jimin, everyone's fucked up somehow. You're not the only one who hates themselves! I have problems too, the difference between me and you is I'm not a shithead that's mean to others because he's in pain. Pushing other away doesn't help at all. Stop being such a cunt and when you've calmed down, apologise to May."

Jimin stormed out the room without another word and left the two girls dumbfounded.

"Do you think he'll be okay?" Ruby asked, trying to calm down. "I know I shouldn't have shouted back at him, but when he called you dumb I lost it."

"Let's hope so. We should check on him tomorrow morning before work. He should be a bit more relaxed by then."

Standing in the bright bathroom, Jimin inspected the packet of Paracetamol closely. He opened it and saw it still contained two blisters of pills. In total 13 tablets were inside. 'Enough to kill yourself.' They were shared by all the flatmates, so it would be selfish to take them all for himself. But he wanted to, it would be so easy. Take thirteen meaningless pills, wait for a few hours in agony and slowly but surely die. 'It's worth it, you can handle a few more hours of suffering if it means ending it all. Do it, pussy.'

It's not that Jimin's life was fucked up, it truly wasn't. But he felt as if it was, he felt like a failure. Nothing he did was ever right in his mind, a constant loop of sadness, anger and anxiety. He tried searching for a solution to exit this cycle but ended up finding none. He had accepted his fate, to never be truly happy.

He fiddled with the container of 1000mg tablets in his nimble fingers. Was he in enough pain to actually do it? 'Yes!' Would the people around him care if they left? 'Not at all.' If he locked his bedroom door and hid in there all day, he'd die eventually, wouldn't he? 'Of course, no longer than a day and you'll be dead.' What was holding him back? 'Nothing, you've fucked up all your closest relationships today. No one fucking cares, chubby cunt.'

"Hello?" Jimin asked into his phone, holding back the sobs.

"Jimin, honey? It's me, your mum!" Jimin could hear his mother's cheerfulness through the phone speaker.

"Why are you calling at midnight?" Jimin asked, his tears drying up at the sudden distraction of a call. He was seated on his bed, above the covers, shivering in the cold.

"I was watching TV with your dad and got bored of what's on. I called you out of boredom!" She happily explained.

"Wow, thanks, glad to know you care enough to call me..." Jimin said jokingly but actually meaning it.

"I miss you! You should come back and visit sometime!" The next ten minutes were spent listening to his mother ramble on about her life in the small village she lived in. In small villages everyone knows everything, word gets around quickly, and Jimin's mum was one of the best gossipers there was.

"That sounds great..." Jimin said for what seemed for the hundredth time. He loved his parents, he really did. However, talking on the phone past midnight wasn't something he enjoyed doing.

"Oh and Jimin, maybe you shouldn't send money over this month. Y'know, keep it for yourself to spend on a new girlfriend or boyfriend!"

"No, don't worry mum. I'll send you the money." Jimin said through gritted teeth.

"But your father and I wouldn't mind not spending much for a month, we'll be fine, trust me, dear." His mother said, never breaking her happy tone of voice.

"I said I'd send you money every month so you could live comfortably, I don't need the money." Jimin said, sounding angry. He'd just been rude to his best friends and roommates. The last thing Jimin needed was to argue with his mum.

"I know, I know. But wouldn't it be nice to go out and have fun? It would cheer you up a little." And the words 'cheer up' Jimin snapped for the third time this night.

"I don't want to fucking cheer up!" Jimin shouted down the phone.

"Hey, don't swear to me, young man!" His mother shouted back. "I think it would be best if you just kept the money this one month, it'll do no harm." She said, voice calm again.

"I earn enough each month to be able to pay rent, eat food and buy necessities. I want to send what I have left over to you because I know you fucking struggle with money! Get that through your thick head!" 

"Stop that right now. How dare you insult your mother!" Jimin's mother gasped. He never swore to his parents, even less shouted at them. Jimin's eyes started watering, his body overflowing with too many emotions. "Can you hear what your son is telling me?" His mother asked dumbfounded to her husband.

"Hey Jimin, what's wrong?" His father's low voice asked, concern evident.

"Nothing, mum doesn't want me to send you money this month because she's dumb." Jimin said, shuffling around on his bed in irritation.

"Don't call your mother dumb, she's just trying to help. You don't need to send us money this month. We'll be fine." His dad tried to explain calmly, though aggravation could be heard slightly as he spoke.

"Oh great, not you too. Maybe you're old and your ears can't catch this, but listen closely. I'm sending the two of you my fucking money. If you don't like it then you can shove the money up your ass."

"No, you listen, you spoiled brat!" His voice boomed through the speaker, making Jimin cower in fear at the authority he had. "Don't you dare call me or your mother dumb ever again or you'll regret it!"

"Guess what?" Jimin asked in fake happiness.

"What?" His father asking in both curiosity and confusion.

"Fuck off!"

Jimin loved how the white pills blended in with the bathroom's aesthetic, blank. At times it could be overpowering, the excessive amount of white and shine in the room, but right now it's what Jimin needed. A cold room that smelled like cleaning products to clear his mind. It was odd, but the combination helped cool him down. 

His parents rang up half an hour after the initial call, but the argument just escalated and it ended with Jimin wishing he had different parents and his parents wanting to disown him. In the moment it felt amazing, to release his anger towards people and to then also get hated back. It all added to the fuel that was about to be lit and burn out of control. Jimin felt like a monster right now, but he loved it, or at least his mind did. Pushing away the ones he loved the most would only make his life more of a living hell, giving him additional reasons to kill himself.

Jimin took pills away with him and went back to his room. He placed them on his shelf and went to his bed. He felt like shit but thought that his day had been productive, he managed to make everyone he loved hate him. 'I'm ready to die. I'm relieved that soon I'm going to end it all, fuck everything. Now I truly have nothing holding me back.'

It was the first night in months that Jimin had gone to sleep with a smile on his face.

-

The stunning artwork at the start is by @mochimmynie on Instagram, I saw this drawing and absolutely fell in love with it. Go check her out, she doesn't have many followers but really deserves them. She has BTS drawings on there and honestly they're amazing, really talented person.

Plis gib me feedback, I want to know what you think. I'm insecure af and need attention.

Also if you know of anyone who has Yoonmin fan art please tell me because I'd love to share it here! Or if you have any send me it and I'll be sure to feature it and give you credit! 

Just wanted to say that no matter what anyone says, every single inch of you is precious and you should love yourself because, I mean have you seen yourself? You're so beautiful, inside and out.