"Burnout is a state of emptiness, to be sure, but it does not result from giving all I have: it merely reveals the nothingness from which I was trying to give in the first place."
- Parker J. Palmer

It had been a week of hell and Nora was still suffering. Only now the dopesickness was in her head instead of her body. Now that the White Horse had stopped galloping long enough for her to dismount, she found herself in a wasteland she had never seen before. She was a stranger in her own skin.

Her new room was shared by a girl named Lila who was a methhead, not for the high but just for the weight loss. Now she looked like a scraggly tree with a plastic bag twisted around it in the wind, just bones and a thin layer of skin that looked like it might blow off at any moment. Nora could tell she'd been beautiful before she started disappearing, but now she was losing her blond hair and her hazel eyes were sunken pennies in a deep well.

"Hey. What're you in for?" Lila asked after getting out of the shower on Nora's first day in residential.

They were only provided with one towel, which Lila dropped right in front of Nora, revealing her naked, skeletal frame so she could use it to dry her hair. Nora couldn't stop staring and couldn't respond, so she lifted her sleeve and showed her track marks. Lila nodded.

"Junkie. Got it," she said. "You made it through withdrawal?"

"I'm here," Nora said softly.

"How was it?"

Nora swallowed and clenched her hands into fists, her fingernails digging into her palms. She had spent the sickest, bleakest, loneliest and darkest days of her life in that little white room with its hospital bed and TV and no window. She had come face to face with herself and realized for the first time that nothing was there. Not one damn thing. All along, it had been a mirage. If there had ever been a real girl there, Nora had let her die a long time ago. Now she had to rebuild herself from the ground up using nothing but ashes.

"I can't describe it. I don't even want to. It was like the devil dragged me to hell for a week," she said.

"Damn. Yeah I've heard it's worse than dying. Glad you made it."

"When do we get to see the guys?" Nora asked.

Lila's reflection smirked in the small square mirror. "Someone in particular you want to see?"

"My boyfriend. We came here together. I haven't seen him since Jeff dropped us off a week ago."

"We have Group right after lunch."

"And he'll be there?"

"They require it," Lila said.

Nora looked at the clock. It was five minutes until noon, which was when all the girls in their hall would walk to the cafeteria in a single file line.

"Don't you think we should get in line for lunch?" Nora asked.

Lila scoffed. "I don't go. You can if you want."

"Don't they make you?"

"They bring me food on a tray and take away privileges if I don't eat it, but it's pointless. Does it look like I'm eating lunch?" she asked, sweeping her arms down her naked body.

Nora shook her head. Lila looked like she hadn't eaten a single thing for ten years.

"I keep my weight just under where they want it so Dr. Paul doesn't have to stick a feeding tube in me again. That was awful."

"Sounds like it."

"Go ahead. I'll see you at Group," Lila said.

The cafeteria was small and set up to be inviting with red checkered table cloths, sunflower centerpieces and a bulletin board full of pictures of residents over the years. While Nora waited in line for her spaghetti, she noticed Jeff in one of the pictures, a much younger Jeff, maybe their age. He looked nothing like the Jeff he was now. This teenage Jeff could've passed for a cancer patient with the dark circles under his eyes and thin, skeletal body. Though Nora knew he'd been an addict, it was still weird to see him in the throes of active addiction. She wondered if she and Lucas looked that sick.

************

In the group therapy room that afternoon, Nora searched for Lucas and found him talking to a small boy, a kid who was maybe only thirteen or fourteen years old. She'd been told the starting age here was fifteen, but before she could question it further Lucas turned his head, saw her and jumped out of his seat. In seconds his arms were around her. Nora felt her feet leave the floor for a second.

"You look beautiful," Lucas said, kissing every inch of her face.

Nora laughed. " I missed you so fucking much!"

"I know. I missed you too," he said. "How are you?"

"It was bad, Lucas. You didn't tell me how bad."

"I was trying to protect you, that's all. But you made it. We're clean and free."

They put their foreheads together and gazed into each other's eyes for a long time. It was something they'd done since they were little. They had gotten so good at it now they could almost hear each other's thoughts.

"I'm Gus," said the boy Lucas had been talking to.

Nora pulled away from Lucas and looked at him. "Hi," she said.

"I'm Lucas's roommate. It's good to finally meet you."

"Roommate?"

"Yep."

Nora didn't want to be rude so she kept the question to herself, but Gus could see through her silence.

"I'm seventeen. I'm just small," he said flatly in a way that told Nora he'd been forced to answer the question often.

"You're seventeen?"

Gus nodded. "I know I don't look it, but I am. We saved you a seat."

She sat down just as Jeff walked into the room with his clipboard in hand. Lucas and Nora couldn't stop squeezing each other's hands in their giddiness at being together again. Every time they caught each other's eye they would stifle giggles.

"Today's topic is fear," Jeff said loudly. The shuffling and chatter of voices in the room quieted. "Close your eyes. Feel the word. Explore it. What do you fear?"

Nora followed Lucas's lead and closed her eyes. Nobody said anything. Were people supposed to say something? The time ticked by. She was getting anxious being alone with her own thoughts. Maybe that was the point. What had Jeff said? Fear. Yeah, fear. She felt fear now... fear of the ghost she had become, the ghost that now haunted her body.

Several silent and agonizing minutes crawled by. Then Jeff rang a small bell and everyone opened their eyes.

"Nora, since you're fresh out of detox today, let's start with you," Jeff said.

Nora cringed. She hated being put on the spot.

"Fear?" she asked softly.

"Yep. Reactions, thoughts, memories... whatever came to your mind during the reflection time."

"I think I fear what I went through last week," she said, and a few other kids laughed and nodded their heads.

"What was scary about detox?" Jeff asked.

Nora shrugged. "It was really lonely in there."

"So you were alone with yourself. Did you discover anything?"

Nora's heart was racing. Her mouth was dry like the fluorescent desert outside the windows. "I discovered that I don't exist. Not anymore. There's nothing inside me. I'm just being alive. I'm not living."

"What can you do to change that?"

She shrugged, a tear slipping down her cheek.

"Guys? How can she change that?" Jeff asked the larger group.

"Go back to the last time you were you and do things over again," Gus mumbled softly.

"She can't go back in time, stupid."

The rude response came from a blond girl sitting on the other side of the room. Nora could tell without even talking to her that she was a bitch.

"Katherine, that's your first warning," Jeff said firmly.

"Well she can't!" Katherine fired back.

"Gus, can you explain what you mean?" Jeff asked.

Gus had sank so low into his seat he could've passed for a throw blanket. His face was bright red.

"I just mean... there was a you before you disappeared. A real you. A person that was all the things you're supposed to be. I know there used to be a real me too... but I never met that guy. It was too long ago so I don't remember. I been this mess forever. But maybe you remember when you broke," Gus said.

Gus's answer had brought fresh tears to Nora's eyes. She couldn't remember when she had broken, but she could remember the little girl she once was. Now she had to get back to her... somehow.

"That makes a lot of sense," Nora said.

She felt sorry for Gus. He looked so nervous and embarrassed, and he had a sweet, childlike face with big brown eyes. In those eyes were the fraying threads of every question he had ever asked. They stared at her hungrily. Only the hunger had nothing to do with sex. He was hungry for something else. And, likewise, what she felt toward him wasn't attraction or even friendship... she didn't know what it was. She just wanted to protect him.

Her words seemed to give Gus confidence, and he sat up straight again.

"Thank you," she whispered when Jeff's attention had moved away from her.

Gus bit his lip, blushing.

"Gus? How about you? What came into your mind during the fear reflection?" Jeff asked, making him jump.

Gus swallowed and stared blankly into space for a few moments. Then he whispered just two words: "Duct Tape."

Jeff nodded. "Thank you for sharing that."

As Jeff was moving on to another person, Katherine once again spoke up.

"That's not fair! You ask us all these prying questions and let him get away with fucking Duct Tape as an answer?"

"Yeah, you're right. I do ask the questions. You don't," Jeff said, narrowing his eyes at her warningly.

"He doesn't have to explain if he doesn't want to," Lucas said.

Most of the other residents nodded in agreement, and Katherine sulked in her chair.

Gus was grinning triumphantly. "Yep. That's my whole answer. Duct Tape. Wish you'd put some on your goddamn mouth every now and then."

Everyone laughed, even Jeff. No one had expected that from Gus. Finally even Katherine cracked a smile too. The ice was broken.