"Clasp me close in your warm young arms,
While the pale stars shine above,
And we'll live our whole young lives away
In the joys of a living love."
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Nora held the handful of pills in her open palm. Every now and then she thought, heroin. I am holding heroin and I am taking heroin and this will kill me. But those moments of lucidity were becoming fewer and farther between.

She'd just received another lecture about losing her science notes and being unable to study for a quiz tomorrow. What her parents didn't seem to understand was that she didn't want to go to college. She wanted to be free... free from expectations, free from responsibility, free from constantly feeling like a failure. She wanted to travel and see new places, settle down in some exciting city, maybe become a photographer or freelance writer, observing life and capturing it in its rawest form.

Her dreams were simple, but her parents' dreams for her sounded stressful, monotonous and boring. The last thing she needed was more anxiety. Already her nerves were tight, her muscles sore from clenching them unconsciously, her head cloudy with a million what if's.

Nora's bedroom door opened suddenly, and she quickly closed the pills in her fist, heart racing. It was her mother.

"Hi, Nora," she said, sitting on the bed beside her.

"Hey," Nora said softly, not looking at her. She didn't have to look to know. She could easily picture Dana's round face etched with worry, her dark wet hair braided down her back, like it was every night before she went to bed. When she woke up, beautiful curls would frame her face. Nora kept her own hair long and straight. It was too much trouble to do anything with it.

"I just wanted to check on you, make sure you're okay."

Nora fought the urge to roll her eyes. "Fine."

"I know we were hard on you earlier, but we're just trying to do what's best for you. You have to stop being so spacey. Come back to reality. Your life is coming up fast, and you'll never be ready for it if you can't pay attention to the most basic of details."

Nora sighed. "I said I was sorry," she mumbled.

Dana placed a gentle hand on her back and stood up to leave. Once she was gone, Nora crushed one of the pills and snorted it.

***********

The downtown club was small, smoky, loud and packed wall to wall with sweaty people. Nora held tightly to Lucas's hand as they weaved their way to the front where the stage was. Somehow they managed to keep hold of the drinks they'd just paid an older guy to buy for them.

"Good thing we're skinny little nothings," Nora said as they found the edge of the mosh pit.

Lucas took a swig of his beer. "Finally, some perks."

He had been acting different since their fight. Distant, wary, suspicious even. Nora knew she could make things right again by giving up the drug, but it was helping her too much to even consider going back to life without it.

The opening set had just ended. They hadn't bothered getting in the mosh pit then. Risking injury was only worth it if you really loved the band.

"If I squint maybe I can see their faces!" Nora said.

She had spent hours on her eye makeup and now viewed everything through a crusty forest of mascara. Her long blue hair hung in barrel curls over her shoulders. She looked as unlike herself as possible. Instead of boot cut jeans and flannel shirts over tees, she had on a sexy black corset paired with dark gray skinny jeans. She had wanted Lucas's attention, and now she had it.

Their record time in the mosh pit was ten minutes of a thirty minute set before Lucas got hit in the face and his lip started bleeding. That was when they were fourteen. Tonight, they planned to beat that score.

When the first breakdown hit, the crowd swelled like an ocean wave, and Lucas and Nora were swept into the mosh pit. Shoving, pushing, chaos, pain. They were all part of the experience. This time, they made it twenty minutes before they were too hot and sweaty to move anymore.

After the show was over, they sat down on the sidewalk outside, letting the cool breeze dry the sweat on their skin. School had ended the day before, and the whole summer stretched out before them.

"Fucking awesome show," Nora said.

Around them people moved in and out of the small club. This was a pretty grungy section of downtown. Nora was glad she had Lucas with her. There were shadows everywhere. The needle part of a dirty, used syringe in the gutter pointed at them like an accusing finger.

"Yeah," Lucas answered, taking a drag of his cigarette.

Across the street, Nora watched a homeless man hunker down in a sleeping bag and felt sorry for him. She was wondering how it felt to sleep on a sidewalk and was so lost in thought she didn't feel Lucas's eyes on her for a whole minute.

"What?" she asked nervously.

"Nothin'. You're just really sexy tonight. Extra sexy."

Nora blushed and stared at him for a long time before smoothing one piece of sweaty hair behind his ear.

"Hey baby..." she said.

"Yep?" Lucas asked.

She tried yet again to muster the courage to tell him 'I'm sorry. I'll quit. Help me.'

"Tonight," she heard herself blurt out instead.

"Tonight?" Lucas asked.

"Tonight," Nora said meaningfully.

It was summer after all. Wasn't that when they'd agreed to have sex? And if it would help things get back to normal with Lucas, why not now?

Lucas's eyes widened as he received the message. "You sure?"

"Yeah. Tonight."

*************

Nora waited for what seemed like hours for her parents to fall asleep so she could dart over to Lucas's place for this night of all nights.

Since the show she'd been doing internet research on first time sex. The only thing everyone seemed to agree about was that it was going to hurt and would probably suck. This was her first time, so she would have no idea whether or not it sucked. That was comforting. And she was prepared for the pain because she'd just snorted a line of heroin. The best of the high had passed, the euphoric, dreamy feeling that took her anxiety away and made her fearless enough to say all kinds of things to people she barely knew, but now she was warm and relaxed.

Finally, the tell-tale snores that meant she was in the clear could be heard from down the hall. Nora very quietly slipped out into the warm night.

Sarah and Brian were already asleep, so Lucas sneaked Nora in through the back door and up to his bedroom. He looked nervous too, even more nervous than Nora felt. Up in his room, he'd lit about twenty candles in the darkness and made a bed for them out of layers of blankets on the floor.

Nora gasped when she saw the room. "This is beautiful, Lucas," she said.

"I didn't have a lot of time to prepare," he mumbled.

"I guess I did kind of surprise you..."

"You've been so nervous about it for so long. Then again, you do a lot of things now that you didn't used to do."

Nora flushed. "Lucas, about the pills... I'll stop if it makes you happy."

Lucas shrugged. "I want you to be happy. If they make you happy, I can't take that from you."

"I'm sorry I kept it secret," she mumbled.

"I'm sorry I freaked out."

"No, it made sense. Don't be sorry."

"It was just... all this stuff with my dad," he said.

Nora stepped closer and put both of her hands on either side of his face, gently lifting his chin so they were looking into each other's eyes.

"It's okay. I get it," she said softly, and she pressed her lips to his.

Lucas looked like a deer in the headlights when she pulled away.

"Your door is locked, right?" she asked.

"Of course," Lucas answered.

Very carefully, like she might break, he leaned in to kiss her mouth. He had never kissed her like that, and Nora found herself giggling.

"Lucas, it's not like I'm gonna break!" she said.

"Sorry! I'm nervous!" he whispered. "I don't want you to think I suck."

"As long as you're sucking the right places, I don't care," Nora said, leaning in close, her newfound confidence making her feel reckless and sexy. "Kiss me like this," she whispered, and she pressed her mouth to his in a way that she hoped said, I want you. Not just I love you.

Lucas got the message. Nora helped him unhook her bra while his other hand went exploring beneath her lacy panties. She didn't know if he noticed the perfume she'd worn or the glitter highlighter she'd brushed over her collar bone. She didn't know if those things mattered when you were making love. She didn't know anything.

"Wait, wait," she said suddenly, pushing Lucas back.

"What's wrong?" Lucas asked breathlessly.

"Go slower. I want to experience everything," she said.

Now Lucas moved in slow motion, his mouth sucking on her neck, tasting her skin. "You smell good," he murmured.

Nora ran her fingers through his hair as his lips made their way to her throat, then down to her chest. She was so ready now. She lifted her hips so Lucas could slide the lacy panties down her legs. When she was fully naked, he looked her over.

"What?" she asked nervously, feeling the urge to hide her body.

"Nothing. You're just... right now... I've never seen anything more beautiful in my whole life," Lucas whispered.

Nora bit her lip. "Now it's your turn. Clothes off."

They didn't speak again until they were both naked on top of the blankets, legs intertwined, hands curious, memorizing every bone and every dip and every shape. They traced familiar scars and new scars. They found all the places that made each other sigh or laugh or groan. Then Lucas reached for the box of condoms he'd bought. His hands were visibly shaking.

"Are you really sure about this? I don't want you to regret this," he said.

Nora rolled her eyes. "You're the only one I'll ever love, Lucas. You're my soulmate. I'm ready."

It hurt a little, but the high helped Nora focus more on the wonderful things. She had never felt closer to Lucas, was sure this was the closest they could ever get to each other. It was like his soul was blending with hers into a new soul made of the two of them, like two different paint colors becoming a new shade in the spiral of the brush stroke. And when it was over, they held each other in the candlelight. It hadn't lasted very long. Maybe it sucked, Nora thought. But to her, it was the most perfect night of her life.

"I love you, Nora. I'll always be there for you. Always protect you. You're my angel," Lucas mumbled sleepily.

He traced lazy circles on her hipbones as her fingertips followed the line of his jaw to his lips. Nora was satisfied that she had eased his fears and erased his distrust and disappointment in her. She was back where she wanted to be, in possession of the thing that had always been hers: Lucas's whole heart.