"I am exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel."
- unknown

Lucas liked Gus, but sometimes he did weird things. The first time he noticed it was on his third day. They were eating in the cafeteria and Gus kept getting closer and closer to him. There was plenty of room, no need to be side by side, but the space between them on the bench gradually disappeared over the course of the thirty minute break.

Then it happened again later that night as they were watching a movie in the common area with the others. Only now, Gus let his fingers brush up against Lucas's hand. Lucas didn't know if it was intentional or not, and if it hadn't been for lunch he probably would have assumed it wasn't. But now he couldn't be sure. He crossed his arms over his chest and adjusted his position, hoping Gus would take the hint. It seemed to work.

Lucas was baffled by the behavior. From their conversation the first day and the way they'd talked about girls and sex, Gus had made it pretty clear he was straight. But Lucas sensed there was something off about his roommate. Something different.

It wasn't just the touchy-feely stuff either. Gus had mentioned having nightmares but hadn't offered any other information, leaving Lucas to assume they were normal bad dreams. Nothing could have been further from the truth.

On his fifth night, Lucas was torn from his sleep by the sound of Gus screaming. He bolted up in his bed, heart racing, and frantically looked around the room for the threat. Nothing was out of the ordinary. The light they kept on every night was shining all the way up onto their beds, and Lucas could see that Gus's bed was empty. The screaming was coming from the closet.

Thinking Gus might be in danger or trapped somehow, Lucas sprang out of the bed and threw open the closet doors. There was Gus, sitting in some kind of crash position with his knees up and his face buried in them, his hands clamped over his ears.

"GUS!" Lucas shouted over the screaming.

Gus didn't snap out of it. Lucas stepped further into the closet to shake him and his toes touched the edge of a wet puddle. Gus was so freaked out he had pissed himself! Lucas couldn't imagine what had scared him like this. He had never seen any human being so thoroughly terrified, and that made him scared too.

Two staff members rushed into the room then, and one of them pushed Lucas back toward his bed.

"He was like this when I found him! I swear!" Lucas exclaimed, afraid they'd think he had done something to Gus.

Both of the men ignored him as they grabbed Gus to help him stand. Gus started fighting, all of his limbs flailing, hangers spinning on the rod and articles of their clothing flinging out of the closet like clods of dirt when a dog digs a hole in the ground.

"LET ME GO! LEAVE ME ALONE!" Gus cried.

"Get Gina! She's the only one who can snap him out of it when it's this bad!" one of the staff members said to the other.

The second man took off while the first continued to hold Gus in a bear hug with his arms pinned by his sides. Lucas didn't know what to do. Should he help hold Gus down? Or would it make things worse? Before he could make a decision, both the staff member and Gus fell back onto Lucas's bed. Gus's legs were flailing as he fought to get free, but the man's grip on him held steady.

It was at that moment Gina rushed in wearing a bathrobe, her usually-smiling face full of concern.

"Let him go!" she ordered, and the staff member released Gus, who fell to the floor sobbing.

No one moved. The staff member who had been holding Gus panted on the bed and wiped sweat from his face with Lucas's blanket. Lucas had backed into a corner and the other staff member who had left to get Gina was standing as a guard at the door, ready to catch Gus if he took off. Gina slowly and carefully got down on her knees.

"Gus?" she said softly. "It's Gina."

She reached out a hand to touch his shoulder but Gus screamed and scurried away from her. Lucas had to jump onto his bed to avoid a collision with him. Gina followed at a safe distance.

"You're okay," she said.

"NO!" Gus cried.

He shook his head over and over, and Gina gently pried his hands off his ears. Once that was done, she pulled Gus into her arms.

"NO! NO! NO! LET ME GO!" he cried, but Lucas could tell the fight had gone out of him as the words turned into deep sobs.

"You're okay," she whispered, gently stroking his hair. "You're safe, Gus. You're safe here."

Lucas wasn't aware of how much time was passing. As the adrenaline wore off he realized how sleepy he was, and the two staff members also looked ready to doze off now that the insanity of the moment had passed.

On the floor, Gina continued to hold Gus for several more minutes. Then she asked,

"Can you get back in bed?"

Gus nodded, his face hidden against her chest. Lucas remembered doing the same thing with his mother back when he was little and scared. In fact Gus was acting a lot like a little kid at that moment, and it was weird to witness. They stood up, and Gina walked Gus back to his bed. The two staff members left the room, and Gina sat on the edge of Gus's mattress, stroking his hair as his sobs quieted. She was humming a little tune.

Lucas likewise climbed back into his own bed, stunned with exhaustion as the adrenaline seeped from his muscles.

"Lucas, are you okay?" Gina asked, seeming to remember him at last.

Lucas nodded numbly. "What the hell was that?" he asked.

"Night terrors. He's had them before," she explained.

Gus appeared to have fallen back to sleep, but Gina stayed for another half hour to be sure everything was okay. Lucas fell fast asleep as soon as she left.

In the morning, he couldn't help asking Gus what had happened as soon as they both woke up.

"Oh that? It was a nightmare. I have them sometimes. Did I wake you up?" Gus asked, rubbing his eyes.

"Wake me up? Dude, you woke up the whole fuckin' building! You were freaking out! I found you in the closet!" Lucas exclaimed.

Gus chuckled. "Really? Damn. I've snapped up in weirder places though."

"Snapped up?"

"Yeah. It's like snappin' out of it and wakin' up at the same time. Snappin' up. See?"

"What are your nightmares about?" Lucas asked.

"I don't remember usually, but sometimes I'm locked in a white cage and some horrible thing is comin' to get me, and I can hear it comin' and all I can feel is how scared I am. I can't see nothin' but the bars of a white cage."

"White cage? That's weird."

"Yeah. But the one I had last night- no clue. That's how it usually is. So I guess Gina came in?"

"Yeah, and two other guys who were pretty worthless. But Gina got you back to normal," Lucas explained.

Gus nodded. "She's good at that. Sorry I woke you."

"I wish you could... warn me or something."

Gus laughed. "If I could warn you then I could warn myself, and then it probably wouldn't happen!"

"How did you deal with them before you came here?" Lucas asked. "I mean before Gina could help?"

"Just snapped up on my own. Or..." Gus's voice faded, and his eyes looked far away. He stared out the one big window between their beds, the desert colors dull in the early light.

"Or?" Lucas pressed.

"Or someone else would help me. Mahaylia... or... someone else. I'm hungry, let's go eat," Gus said suddenly, standing up.

It was obvious to Lucas that the conversation was over. He understood the need to keep secrets himself, so he didn't push Gus for answers even though he was dying for them. Now in the daylight Gus was acting like a normal teenager again instead of the toddler he'd become the night before. Lucas wondered if anyone would fix the closet or clean the piss off the floor; he sure as hell wasn't going to do it.

———————

"So how have things been this week?" Jeff asked during their private session that afternoon.

"Okay I guess," Lucas said.

"You like the place?"

"Yeah."

"The people?"

"Sure."

"You gettin' along with the guys?"

Lucas shrugged. "Yeah..."

"Tell me how it's going with Gus," Jeff said, as if reading his mind.

Lucas, remembering that Jeff could see through lies, decided to tread carefully here.

"He had a crazy nightmare and lost it last night."

Jeff nodded, undisturbed. "Was that scary for you to witness?"

Lucas squirmed in his seat. "No! I wasn't scared."

Jeff narrowed his eyes at him, and Lucas relented.

"Okay it freaked me out a little. I've never seen someone act like that."

"You wanna switch rooms?"

Lucas started to say yes but something stopped him. He really did like Gus. Maybe it was just the meth that made him act the way he did, so scared and needy and clingy. But when he was normal he was a really cool guy.

"No. I'm fine..." he said softly.

"Go ahead and ask me. I'll tell you what I can," Jeff said meaningfully.

Lucas blushed. "I mean, I like Gus and everything, but... he seems really... young sometimes. Like a little kid. Real needy. It's sorta weird."

"I can't tell you much. Confidentiality isn't just the law. It's something I believe in completely."

"What's that?"

"Confidentiality means you can say whatever you want in these sessions and it stays between us."

Lucas sat up, suddenly interested. "Wait, really? That's for real?"

"Yeah," Jeff said. "It's the law."

"So I can say anything and you won't tell my mom?"

Jeff moved his head from side to side and raised his shoulders slightly. "Eh... well, there are some gray areas. You're still a minor. That changes some things. But for the most part, yes."

Lucas leaned back in his chair, thoughtful. He wondered if Jeff was baiting him, trying to get him to incriminate himself in some way. He definitely didn't want to test the waters this first session, but it was something to think about for the future. Maybe it would help to get some things off his chest.

"So what can you tell me about Gus?" Lucas asked.

"I can tell you that he has reasons for behaving the way he does. I can tell you that he needs good friends but he may not know about all the social norms you and I know about, like not invading someone's personal space or talking too loud or whatever. Some of the things he does might seem weird to you, but he doesn't mean any harm. He's just not in the same place that you are socially."

"Yeah, I kind of noticed that," Lucas said.

"If it gets to be too much, let me know," Jeff said.

Lucas nodded. He left that session feeling relieved and, whether or not he wanted to act upon it later, safe in Jeff's presence.

Back in their room, Gus had just gotten out of the shower and had his towel wrapped around his waist. Lucas stared at the strange marks on his back. He had noticed them all week but hadn't dared ask about them. His conversation with Jeff, however, made him think that Gus was safer than he'd given him credit for.

"Those marks on your back. What are they?" Lucas asked.

"Scars."

"From what?"

Gus pulled on his sweatpants before dropping the towel. He turned and looked over his shoulder in the mirror to study the marks himself.

"Things that happened to me," he said simply. "You ever got beat with an electrical cord?"

"No."

"Well if you hit long enough and hard enough, it makes these welts that break open," Gus said.

"Someone did that to you?" Lucas asked softly, his scalp tingling at the thought of such pain.

Gus nodded.

"Who?"

"A foster father. Used to beat me bloody. I'd go to sleep with my sheets stickin' to my back."

Lucas was speechless. Gus was talking about this like it had happened to someone else, like he was just telling a story. There was no emotion, no reaction, just the facts.

"My stepfather did that to me once. With a belt, buckle side," Lucas said softly. It was only fair for him to share something too, a secret for a secret.

"Oh yeah, that one's a bitch too," Gus agreed.

"You been through a lot, huh?"

Gus shrugged. "I guess."

"You ever wish you could go back and just kill that motherfucker?" Lucas asked.

Gus chuckled. "No. I don't wanna see his ugly-ass face again. It don't bother me. I mean, shit happens."

"You're not even pissed?" Lucas asked disbelievingly.

"Nah. Why should I be? You just keep goin'. Survivin'. That's all life is. Just survivin'," Gus said.

"Well I'm mad," Lucas said. "I hate my stepfather."

"You're mad 'cause you used to have somethin' better, your real dad. Me, I never had nothin' better to be mad over losin'."

"You gotta be pissed though, deep down."

"I'm pretty happy. I like life. I make the best of things," Gus said.

"Optimist huh?"

"What's that?"

"Someone who sees the glass half full."

"What glass?"

Lucas laughed. "You've seriously never heard that saying? You know, someone looks at a glass as either half full or half empty?"

"What the fuck does that have to do with bein' happy? Why is there a glass? And what's in it?"

"Nevermind," Lucas said, shaking his head.

Gus was very concrete about things. He pulled his shirt over his head then, hiding the scars. It was almost time for lights out, but they usually stayed awake talking for a couple of hours. There was nothing else to do. No music to listen to. No TV to watch. No internet to get lost in. They could read; there was a library at the facility, but Lucas hated reading and Gus seemed to feel the same way.

"Do you think you have those nightmares because of things like that?" Lucas asked quietly in the dark.

Gus didn't answer for a long time, and Lucas thought maybe he had fallen asleep. Then he said,

"Maybe. I don't know. Why? Are you freaked out by it?"

"Well I kinda was at first, but now I understand a little more."

"That's good, 'cause it won't be the last time," Gus said.

"Is there anything I can do to help you not have them?" Lucas asked sincerely.

"It would help me if..."

"If what?"

Gus's voice was barely audible. "If I could sleep in your bed."

"Like switch beds?" Lucas asked, confused.

"No. Like sleep with you," Gus mumbled.

Lucas sat up, his face burning. He threw the covers off and stomped over to Gus's bed. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

Gus's eyes were wide in the darkness. "No."

"You think that's funny?" Lucas said, his voice rising.

Gus looked so confused, but Lucas was too pissed to care. He felt like punching Gus in the face.

"I wasn't joking," Gus said quietly.

"You know what? Fuck you, weirdo! Seriously. I'm getting another room. You can hit on the next dude in here okay?" Lucas said.

Gus didn't answer, and Lucas didn't wait around to see if he would. He had already stormed out of the room in search of the nearest staff member so he could switch roommates. Gus was too much to handle.