"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
-Woody Allen

Lucas blinked his eyes open as a wave of dizziness swept over him. His mother was the one who had woken him up, her cool hand on his cheek.

"Lucas, what's wrong? You were whimpering in your sleep," she said.

"Mom," he choked out, "I'm sick. Everything hurts."

She smoothed her hand across his sweaty forehead. "I'll take your temperature."

Lucas kicked and squirmed in the bed while she left to get the thermometer. He was unable to get comfortable in any position. Every muscle ached.

"99. Slight fever...," Sarah whispered softly to herself after taking his temperature.

"It hurts!" Lucas groaned, stretching out on the bed and hoping it would help, but the aches doubled him up again. Nothing helped. "This is the worst flu I've ever had!"

"It can't be the flu, Lucas. You would have a very high fever by now. What did you eat yesterday?"

Lucas tried to slow his racing thoughts to remember. "Um... Pop-Tart, Coke, Cheetos, and then you made spaghetti. That's it."

"Brian and I are fine so it can't be the spaghetti. Are you sure you didn't have any fruits and veggies, or any meat or cheese?"

"Mom! I fucking told you!" Lucas snapped.

Sarah looked like he'd slapped her in the face. "Why would you speak to me like that?"

"Because I'm in hell and I can't think!" he cried. "Mom, it hurts! It hurts!"

The pain was becoming almost unbearable. Tears squeezed out of his eyes as his mother took his hand and held it to her lips.

"I'm taking you with me to the hospital," she murmured.

A doctor might see the bruises on his back. A doctor might demand an explanation. Brian would find out and murder him, stuff his body into the grave he'd been forced to dig in the woods.

"No," Lucas said quickly. "I'm sorry I said that to you. I'll be okay. Just go to work."

"I can't leave you like this! I don't know how sick you might get."

"Mom, please," Lucas begged. "I'll be okay. If I get worse I'll call you."

He could feel his anger just below the surface, knew he was about to explode on her again. He just wanted to be left alone to suffer in silence without hurting her feelings.

"Okay. Make sure Nora gets your work for today."

Lucas nodded and squeezed his eyes shut. Was he dying? It felt like he was.

"Rest today. Feel better," she said as she left, closing the door behind her.

Lucas reached for his phone on the nightstand. His fingers were shaking so violently he could barely press the home button. It was seven a.m. In half an hour Nora would be here so they could walk to school together. She was always ready before him. Get up, Lucas told himself, get up get up get up. He mustered all of his strength and stood on shaking legs, then wrapped his thick comforter around his shoulders and stumbled to the bathroom across the hall. There, he vomited until he was choking, nothing left to bring up but bile. He didn't have the strength to stand again so he wrapped himself in the blanket and laid on the bathroom floor, shivering and miserable.

At exactly seven-thirty, Nora rang the doorbell. It took two whole minutes for Lucas to pull himself up and shamble downstairs to open the door for her. He still had the bed comforter wrapped around him.

Nora's eyes went wide when she saw him. "Lucas, you look terrible! What's wrong?"

Lucas sniffled. That was another thing this morning: his nose was running like crazy. But this sure as hell didn't feel like a regular cold.

"I'm sick as fuck. Don't come near me, Nora. I got some weird-ass, Bubonic Plague shit that I've never had before. My mom doesn't even know what it is, and she's a nurse," he said.

"But you were fine yesterday."

"It happened in the middle of the night. I woke up all sweaty, body aching, all that shit. I been puking all morning, but I don't even feel better afterwards. I just puke again and again even though nothing comes up. My mom checked and I only have a little fever. I think it's a different kinda flu."

"Or..." Nora said, but then stopped.

"Or what?"

She shook her head. "Nevermind. I'm sorry. Can I get you anything?"

"Sprite might help me stop puking. Maybe DayQuil will help the aches. I don't know."

"I'll get some and bring them back at lunch. The good news is I got the Oxy money. All of it!"

"How?" Lucas asked incredulously.

Nora smiled. "My genius. I forged a letter from the school about me accidentally breaking my computer and needing to pay for repairs. They were pissed but gave it to me. I don't even feel guilty after the way they've treated me lately."

"Nora, you're too smart for your own good. You don't have to get them though. I know how you don't like dealers."

"I don't mind talking to Matty for you," she said.

Lucas shrugged. "You can if you want.  See you at lunch. I love you."

*******

Lucas made it all the way to the couch after she left, where he slept in tiny increments, feeling the pain even in his dreams, which were all horrific nightmares. In them, he was trapped underwater as his breath ran out while massive sharks, jellyfish and krakens circled above him. Nowhere to escape. Nowhere to go.

He would wake up after ten minutes, puke in a trash can he'd put next to the couch, and wrap the comforter around him more tightly. It was drenched with sweat that was soaking through onto the sofa. His hands wrinkled like he'd been swimming. The aches were getting worse by the minute. His legs wouldn't stop jerking. This is it. I'm dying, he thought.

This sleep/suffer cycle continued all morning until lunchtime. Nora kept her word and returned with Sprite, DayQuil, and his share of the Oxy. Five whole pills as opposed to the two and a half he'd expected.

"Um... did you give me yours too?"

"Nope. Matty gave us ten pills because he told his brother about this being our first Oxy buy, and his brother wants to keep us as customers! Isn't that cool?" Nora said cheerfully.

"More like suspicious, but I'm too sick to care."

"I'll get you some Sprite," Nora said.

She gave him the five Oxy along with a dose of DayQuil and Sprite to wash it down with. Lucas gave her back two of the pills and put the others on the coffee table for later.

"Can you crush them? I can't keep anything in my stomach," he said.

"Two at once? You sure?" Nora asked, already starting to grind the pills with the wooden handle of a steak knife.

"I've done three at once before," Lucas said as he snorted the double white lines.

"Come by and check on me after school?" he asked when he was finished.

Nora kissed his forehead and assured him she would.

After she left, Lucas actually fell asleep for the first time. He slept for the entire afternoon, and when he woke up, he felt much better. He snorted a third Oxy, and within minutes he was on his feet and tossing his sweat-soaked clothes and comforter into the washing machine. It was like magic. No aches, no fever, no puking, no shivering, no sweating, no runny nose. It all felt like a terrible dream he'd finally woken up from. When Nora came by at three to check on him, she was floored by his instant recovery.

"You're completely back to normal," she said in awe.

"Yep. I feel great. It's like it never happened! So fucking weird. Maybe that's how this flu works."

Nora looked uncomfortable. "Lucas... um... I don't think you had a flu. In fact, I don't think this had anything to do with germs."

Lucas just stared at her. "What do you mean? You think I was faking sick?"

"No, no!" she exclaimed. "I need to do some more digging online."

"You looked up my symptoms?"

"Yeah," she said softly, looking down at her feet.

"And?"

Nora took a deep, shaky breath. "It was most likely opiate withdrawal. It had been more than twenty four hours since your last Oxy, and by then the symptoms are bad. They get worse by the hour."

Lucas blew up. "You think I'm dopesick? Are you fucking serious right now? You're supposed to be the smart one! It was a flu, Nora. The DayQuil made it go away, not the Oxy dose. Calm down, you're so fucking paranoid about all this drug shit! I wish I'd never told you!"

"Let's get one thing straight," Nora snapped, her eyes blazing. "You. Do. Not. Speak. To. Me. That. Way."

Lucas rolled his eyes. "Then don't call me a fucking drug addict! You say some fucked up shit like that and I'll throw it right back at you! You know what happened to my dad! Fuck you for saying that!"

"I'm trying to help you! Because I love you!" Nora shouted, her eyes now welling with tears. "But I can see you don't even care. So bye."

"Nora wait!" Lucas called.

She turned around and threw the small plastic bag of Oxy pills at his feet. There were five. Her five. "You'll need these later when the last dose wears off," she said coldly.

"Nora, baby, come on," Lucas said, running out onto the lawn to take her hand. "I love you! I'm so sorry. Please believe me. I never wanted this!"

Nora sighed, swiping at the tears on her cheeks.

"If you want to fix it, go through the withdrawal. The whole thing. It'll take a week. It'll suck, but if you really love me, you will."

With that, she turned and left.

Lucas walked back to his bedroom, sat on the bed, and closed his eyes. Deep down, he knew Nora was right. If he'd just slowed down with the Oxy from the beginning, been more careful... but no, he realized, even that wouldn't have been enough to stop this. The truth was, living had become too painful. If he offed himself, he would leave Nora and his mother grieving right after his dad had died too. So this was his only choice left: to live, yes, but live in another, better reality.

Lucas heard his mother walking up the stairs then. Seconds later she was jiggling his locked doorknob.

"Lucas? Let me in?" she said.

Lucas opened the door and saw her white, tear-streaked face. There was something horribly wrong. Lucas had only seen that face on the day she'd told him his father was dead, the day his world ended.

"You seem fine now, Lucas," Sarah said suspiciously.

Lucas nodded. "Miracle I guess."

"Sit down, honey."

Lucas sat on the bed and waited for her to speak. Sarah closed her eyes, and Lucas saw tears running down her cheeks.

"What's wrong?" he asked, dreading her answer. "Who fucking died this time? I don't have anyone left I even care about except Nora so just spill it."

"Lucas, I need you to tell me that you're taking drugs."

"That I'm taking drugs? You're not even gonna give me an 'if'?"

"I recognized the withdrawal symptoms today but didn't want to believe it. Then I talked to Brian."

Lucas looked away from her, ashamed. Everyone knew. Everyone thought he was a druggie, because he was a druggie.

"We can get through this, sweetheart. Just tell me," she continued.

Her love, made evident by the gentle patience in her voice, finally broke him.

"It's true," Lucas whispered, feeling almost as sick as he'd been this morning.

"What are you taking?"

"Just weed... and...um... some of Brian's Klonopin."

"And?" she pressed.

"Oxy," Lucas whispered.

Sarah nodded. "I suspected it was opioids based on your symptoms."

"I'm really sorry, Mom. Sorry about everything. I never meant for this to happen... I didn't want to be like Dad," Lucas said.

Tears pooled in his own eyes and ran down his cheeks. The darkness inside him throbbed like another heart.

"I know you didn't," she said softly.

"I know all I do is disappoint you," Lucas sobbed, hiding his face in his hands.

"No... no. No you don't." Sarah wrapped her arms around him.

"You don't want me. Brian told me. Just admit it."

"That is not true. Not at all! Why would he say that?"

"Because he hates me, Mom."

She sighed. "Oh Lucas, we've been through this since Brian moved in. He does not hate you. You have to remember that you're not the easiest person to get along with. But one thing is certain; I love you more than anything in the whole world. I love you more than I love Brian or your father. You are my son. Always first."

"You told Dad you loved him too, then you gave up on him and found someone else! This baby you're pregnant with will be Brian 2.0! I might as well leave now."

"That was different, Lucas. You know that. I won't let you end up like him," she said determinedly.

For the first time in a long time, Lucas let her hold him while he cried. "I'm scared, Mom. I'm so fucking scared!"

"Shh..." she whispered, stroking his hair. "You'll get through this, baby. I'll help you."

"I don't wanna be sick again! It was terrible! What if I die?"

"You'll get through it. I promise. I'll be with you this time. I'm taking the rest of the week off, and you are too. I won't leave you alone. I know how to get you through it safely. When was your last dose?"

"Around three."

"It'll start before morning then."

"I have to talk to Nora before it sets in," Lucas said, rubbing his eyes with his hoodie sleeve.

"Why?"

"Because I fucked up with her," he said.

Sarah smiled a small, knowing smile. "You two are dating aren't you?" she asked.

"How did you-"

"Because I'm your mother and practically hers too."

"Well I hurt her feelings today. I made her cry."

"So go apologize, but be quick. When you come back, you're going to eat a good dinner and drink a lot of fluids. You likely won't be able to keep anything down after today. I want you hydrated before this hits."

As fast as he could, Lucas jogged across their lawns and rang Nora's doorbell. When her father opened it, he said the first thing that came to his mind.

"I-was-sick-today-and-Nora-has-my-missing-work-can-I-go-get-it?" he asked, the words a breathless, non-stop string.

"Yes but remember she's being punished," her father said in a stern voice. "You can't stay long."

"I know! Thank you!" Lucas yelled, darting past him into the familiar house that was like his second home.

He took the stairs two at a time and banged on Nora's closed door. She opened it instantly, surprised.

"Lucas, wha-"

"I'm doing it. I'm going off them," Lucas said proudly. "My mom's gonna help me. You need to take these."

He passed her the bag of pills she'd thrown at his feet earlier.

"I can't trust myself now that I know they'll make me feel better. I love you, Nora. I'm sorry about everything. I'll try to be the boyfriend you want from now on," he said.

Nora looked down at the pills in her hand and called out to him as he left. "Lucas, wait!"

He stopped halfway down the hallway and looked over his shoulder.

"Come here."

Lucas slowly walked back, and Nora pulled him into her arms as soon as he was close enough to kiss. That kiss lasted a long time.

"You are the boyfriend I want, baby. I'm proud of you, and I love you. I need you to know that," Nora said gently.

Lucas smiled. "Wish me luck. I'll see you next week. Don't come over."

"Why not?"

"I know I'll be pissed off, and I don't want to say anything I'll regret."