"Depression is the inability to construct a future." 
-Rollo May

Lucas liked Group. He liked Jeff, and he liked that everyone got to tell their stories and bitch about things or just joke around. Jeff always had these topics each day, like gratitude, forgiveness, envy, shame, etc. For the first few minutes, everyone just sat in silence and thought about the topic with their eyes closed. Sometimes people would fall asleep, which was always funny because Jeff would throw something at them.

Lucas never shared much. There was so much he couldn't say. He couldn't mention Brian, who was at the root of most of his problems, so instead he talked about shooting up and how much he hated it but also loved and missed it.

Jeff would push for more: Why do you love it? Why do you miss it? What does it give you?

"I hate being me. I don't have to be me when I'm high," Lucas would answer with a shrug.

It was a true statement and one that he was okay admitting in front of everyone, but he knew Jeff could see that there was more to it than that. Jeff always made him feel uncomfortable and exposed.

Today the topic was fear.

Lucas closed his eyes, squeezing Nora's hand once more. He feared being without her, being left alone and abandoned, having to live a life away from her. He couldn't lose her, no matter what. And they would never be apart now. They were both clean and could move in together soon. Once they were married, once they were away from the neighborhood and Brian... then his fear would leave him. All he needed was Nora's love, and he had it... he would do anything to keep it.

After Gus had shared his inexplicable "duct tape" answer, Jeff looked at Lucas and said,

"Lucas? How about you?"

Lucas swallowed nervously. He had been hoping he wouldn't be called on today.

"So... yeah... fear. Everyone's got it. It's something that's scary to you I guess," he mumbled, feeling stupid.

"We know the definition. Tell us what you thought about during the reflection time," Jeff said.

Lucas took a deep breath. "I realized I'm pretty scared to be alone. In fact, I hate being alone more than anything."

"Why do you think that is?" Jeff asked.

"I don't know."

"Do you remember a time you felt alone before? So alone it scared you?"

Lucas looked down. "Yeah," he said quietly.

"Tell us about it. This is a safe space."

"Probably when my dad died."

"How did he die?" Jeff asked, even though Lucas knew he knew the answer. They had talked about it in private sessions.

"Overdose."

"On what?"

"Heroin."

"The same drug you do?"

"Yup."

Lucas laughed softly and shook his head. "I'm so fucking stupid."

"You're not stupid, dude," Gus said. Others mumbled in agreement, but Lucas couldn't look up at them.

"So what made you turn to heroin, knowing what it could do?" Jeff asked.

Lucas felt uncomfortable and hot. "I guess that was the point. Knowing what it could do. I wanted to know what was so great about it that he would die for it, that he would choose it over all of us. Over me."

"Does it make sense now?"

"Yeah. Partly at least."

"Is that why you hate being alone? You don't trust the decisions you would make?" Jeff asked pointedly.

Lucas looked up. "I guess. Yeah... you're right. I don't trust anything I do. All I do is fuck things up. I feel like if I was alone I'd just OD or kill myself and no one would care or notice I was gone."

Nora squeezed his hand then rested her head on his shoulder.

"You have a lot of people who care about you," Jeff said.

"No. Not really. Just one, the girl sitting next to me. Everyone else just tolerates me."

"Just because you believe that doesn't make it true, Lucas," Jeff said.

"Whatever. I'm done. Someone else can go," Lucas said softly.

He didn't hear what anyone else shared. He felt hollow inside. Being here had forced him to feel everything he'd numbed with heroin. Some days, it was just too much.

***********

That night when Gus and Lucas were alone in their room, Lucas asked him,

"What's the deal with the duct tape?"

Gus was brushing his teeth, something he did religiously after every meal even though he wasn't on meth anymore. He spat into the sink and met Lucas's eyes in the mirror.

"I don't think you wanna know," he said.

"What makes you say that?" asked Lucas, somewhat offended.

Gus shrugged. "You look at me so weird sometimes when I talk 'bout shit I went through. I just don't wanna piss you off again."

"Gus, you didn't piss me off because of that. I thought you were hitting on me! I explained this!"

"Yeah, but it's the look, dude. That fuckin' look you get when I say somethin' fucked up," Gus said, tracing his finger in a circle around his face.

"What look?"

"This look like I kicked you in the balls."

Lucas laughed. "Bullshit. Try me."

"It's about Skid Row," Gus said.

"I get that it's not gonna be some fairytale! You can trust me."

Gus gave him a look that said, you asked for it. Then he shrugged and turned his back to the mirror.

"These dudes jumped me. They tied my hands with duct tape. Then one of 'em raped me. When I hear that rippin' sound of duct tape bein' pulled I remember all of it like a movie," Gus said, in the same matter-of-fact way he talked about all the horrors of his past.

Lucas fought hard to keep his face neutral, to avoid "the look" Gus insisted was there, but he was cold inside and completely horrified.

"See? There's that fuckin' look," Gus said, pointing at him.

Lucas shook his head. "I'm sorry. I can't help it."

"Told you."

"I just didn't know, I mean I knew things like that happened... I just..."

"You don't think about it 'cause it ain't a threat to you. When you look like I do on the streets, you're just a walkin' sex toy to every perv around."

"I'm sorry," Lucas mumbled.

"Don't be. It was my own fault. I ran my mouth and asked for it," Gus said. "Fair and square."

"You didn't ask for that."

Gus shook his head slowly from side to side. "You don't know what it's like on the streets. There's rules. I broke a big one. I deserved it."

"No one deserves that."

"Spoken like someone who hasn't fucked around and found out. No offense. When you're on the streets, your body don't belong to you no more. You either gotta sell it or somebody's gonna take it for free, but it sure as hell ain't yours no more," Gus said.

"I guess my life has been really easy. I don't have the right to be pissed about it," Lucas said quietly.

"I think it don't matter what happens to you, just how it makes you feel. Everyone is different. Someone could go through what me and Adam did and be okay. Then others spill their fuckin' coffee and they wanna die. It ain't a contest to see who deserves to feel sad. You just feel what you feel."

Lucas pondered the words as Gus finished getting ready for bed. Once the lights were out, they started talking again.

"What do you think of Nora?" Lucas asked.

"She's cute. Sweet too," Gus said.

Lucas heard him shift on the noisy, squeaky bed with its plastic mattress.

"I fucked up her life with the dope," Lucas mumbled.

"It was her choice, dude."

"But I gave her that choice. I'll never forgive myself for that."

"But y'all are clean now. You plannin' to stay clean?"

"Yeah. You?" Lucas asked.

"Fuck no, man. I'mma be tweakin' soon as I get out this bitch. I'll never quit gettin' high," Gus said.

"I just gotta get this shit in my head right," Lucas said, rubbing his eyes.

"The meds ain't helpin'?"

"Not really. Not yet. Gina said it could take a couple months. My thoughts are just fucked up. I see these flashes all the time. Different ways I could die. I see myself pulling the trigger, stepping off the cliff, taking that one extra step... you know. I hear a voice all day saying, 'kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself.'"

Gus was quiet when he spoke next. "What do you tell the voice?"

"I ignore it."

"Does that work?"

"Not really. Sometimes. You ever felt like you wanna die?"

"A few times. When Adam died. The night I got raped. When it got to be too much. But then I think about all the things I might miss, like meeting Mahaylia. Who knows what's up ahead. That's why I don't."

"Makes sense," Lucas said.

"Lucas?"

"What?"

"No matter what, don't kill yourself."

"I told you I can't. Nora."

"Someday she might not be enough. I seen enough friends die. Mahaylia, Adam..."

Lucas took a deep breath and stared at the ceiling. "I'm not gonna die," he said. Then he repeated again inside his head, as if to convince himself.