"The language of friendship is not words but meanings."
-Henry David Thoreau

Gus couldn't sleep. He could feel the presence of his new roommate, and it was suffocating as he gripped his blanket in fear. This "roommate" had been hand selected by the staff to spy on him. Gus had clearly heard the conversation between him and the staff member who'd escorted him here.

Now the guy had his file somewhere and would be studying it behind his back. All the shameful things that had happened to him. He would know everything and tell all the others... but not if Gus could find it first.

In the pale light of early morning, Gus started quietly looking through the room. He wore the socks with the sticky bottoms they had given him on his first day. They didn't make a sound. He checked the bathroom, the nightstands and under the beds.

Of course it wouldn't be somewhere obvious. It was probably under the guy's pillow. Gus's new roommate had dark brown, almost black hair and was sleeping on his side. There wasn't much to see of his face; he had his hands up near his eyes. Gus very carefully began to work his hand under the pillow and had almost made it halfway when the boy woke up. The expression on his face was a cross between confusion and terror.

"Where is it?" Gus asked softly.

"Huh?" the boy said, pushing himself away from Gus and into the corner.

"The file they gave you about me. I know you have it."

"What are you talking about? I don't have a file!"

Gus glared at him. "I know they gave it to you last night. I heard everything so drop the bullshit. I know exactly what you're here for."

"What the fuck? I was just asleep. Leave me alone!"

Gus looked at him closely. The boy had a face very similar to Adam's. The two of them could've been brothers. That thought sent his brain on a new wild path.

"Did you know a guy named Adam Taylor?"

"No."

"Well he's dead," Gus said, looking closely to find some glimmer of a reaction. Nothing. Maybe he was wrong about that part. But the rest of it...

"You can't trust some people in this place. I know they told you not to tell me, but don't listen to them. They have files on all of us!" Gus exclaimed.

"Yeah... 'cause we're patients," the boy said slowly.

"Don't be a smart ass. This shit is serious. We're out here in the middle of nowhere. What do you think their plan is? It ain't good for us, I can tell you that! There's only two people you can trust. The rest are nuts. You can only trust Jeff and Gina."

The boy bit his lip and didn't say anything for a long time. Finally he asked,

"What's your name?"

"Gus. What's yours?"

"Lucas."

"Seriously, Lucas, if you have that file-"

Lucas smiled. "Are you-" Laughter. Gasping for breath. Then more laughter. "Sorry, but are you for real right now or are you joking? I honestly can't tell. Not trying to be a dick."

Gus was surprised. Out of all the reactions he'd expected, laughter wasn't one of them.

"Why you laughin' at me?" he demanded.

"I'm not laughing at you. Calm the fuck down. God."

"Can I just see under your pillow?"

Lucas sighed and sat up, throwing his hands in the air. "Be my guest."

He took the pillow off the bed and even let Gus look under the sheets and mattress. Finally, Gus was satisfied that he didn't have the file.

"Sorry, I guess that conversation I heard wasn't real," he said, embarrassed.

"It's fine," Lucas said, putting his bedding back in place.

"It's getting better, but I can't really tell what's real and what's not yet. The tweak still got me," Gus mumbled.

"Gotcha," Lucas said. "Why'd you ask me about a guy named Adam?"

Gus shrugged. "No reason. It don't matter."

"You said he died?"

"I said it don't matter," Gus said firmly.

"So when's breakfast in this place?" Lucas asked.

Gus nodded at the door. "Follow me. I'll show you the ropes."

*************

As the day went on, Gus realized he'd been wrong about Lucas. His roommate was just a normal guy, and they hit it off easily. Gus sensed he could trust him, the same way he'd sensed he could trust Adam that day at the gas station. Lucas looked a lot like Adam, but he didn't have Adam's gray eyes. Only Adam had Adam's eyes. Still, looking at Lucas made Gus miss Adam a little less. Of course he didn't share this with his new friend, sure that it would freak him out.

That night they sat on the back porch telling stories about their lives in the cool desert air. The breeze was soft and smelled faintly of burning wood.

"I don't 'member nothin' about my mom. I never saw her again once they took me. I been in lots of foster homes," Gus said.

"Are they as bad as people say?" Lucas asked curiously.

"Some are. Some aren't. Just like people- some are good and some bad. But I started runnin' away early and didn't even give a lot of 'em the chance to show me if they was good or bad. I just wanted to be on my own."

"Why?"

Gus shrugged. "It's an adventure! Every day is different on the streets. Anything can happen."

"I think it would suck," Lucas said flatly.

"You gotta get used to it. So what drugs do you do?"

"Just heroin," Lucas said, staring up at the night sky.

"Shit. Heroin's boring. I'm all about the uppers, especially Ice."

"Meth?"

"Yeah."

"God that's the worst drug you can do besides heroin! How do you have all your teeth?"

Gus automatically raised a hand to touch his front teeth. "I brush 'em a lot. I like my teeth and I damn sure ain't gonna lose 'em."

"Doesn't meth make you crazy?"

"Only to other people. In your own head you're just a normal-ass sonuvabitch," Gus said, and Lucas laughed.

"How long do you stay up on that shit?"

"I didn't sleep for eight days once. That's the longest. I kept hallucinating this Christmas elf. It was fuckin' hilarious!" Gus laughed as he remembered that binge in Chicago.

It had happened right after Adam died. How had it ended? He thought back, having to dig for the memory like he'd searched for his file this morning. There it was. It had ended with him naked and rolling around on the icy street screaming about the devil and slicing himself with broken glass. Then the cops. Then back to L.A. He decided not to share that part with Lucas.

Lucas cracked a smile. "Like an evil Christmas elf?"

"Nah, man, he was super cute. He just followed me everywhere and sang Christmas songs. I fuckin' miss him. I named him DJ Elf Smash. Some of the stuff I hallucinated wasn't cute though."

"Like what?"

"Demons everywhere. Rotting bodies. Hell. The Devil. Birds with human faces staring through the windows at night. And then these monsters who look like little kids at first. Those are the worst, but you also hallucinate ordinary shit like that conversation I thought I heard last night."

"This morning you said I can only trust Jeff and Gina because the rest have some evil plan. Was that just... the meth talking?" Lucas asked carefully.

Gus shrugged. "Probably."

"But you're clean now aren't you? So why...?"

"Jeff said I could be paranoid and have hallucinations for years. Meth really fucks up your brain even after you quit."

"That sucks," Lucas said.

Gus shrugged again. "It is what it is. I did it to my own stupid self."

There was a long silence after he spoke. The two boys simply stared up at the stars. Gus could see so many here compared to the city. It was mesmerizing. He wished Mahaylia could see it. They had often sat out on Skid Row together counting the few stars they could see. Here, he could even see the hazy white band of the Milky Way. Jeff had showed him that.

"I wish I had a cigarette," Lucas said suddenly with a sigh.

"I got you, man," Gus said, excited that he could help his new friend with something.

Without explaining Gus stood up and ran back to his room. He returned seconds later with his lighter and precious pack of Marlboro Reds that he'd hidden in a shallow empty space under the nightstand. He had only smoked three since coming here. It was too risky to make it a habit.

"How did you sneak these in?" Lucas asked incredulously.

"In my shoe."

"But they strip search you! Squat and cough and all that."

Gus offered him the pack and Lucas took one.

"Yeah. So I made this big deal about bein' naked 'cause I'd been molested and I was screamin', kickin', cussin', throwin' shit and trynna punch Dr. Paul. They had to fuckin' tranq me. In all the chaos, my shoes didn't get checked 'cause I was still wearin' 'em. Voila, cigarettes."

They lit the cigarettes over the flame from Gus's lighter. Then they moved further down the porch into the shadows.

"Good idea, man. Pretty well thought out," Lucas said, blowing smoke rings from his mouth.

"Well in real life I was kinda freakin' out for real 'cause I was still tweakin' hard so I just went with it."

"Why were you freaking out?"

"I told you. I thought he was a pedo. A lot of old guys are pedos. Trust me, I know all about pedos."

Lucas looked uncomfortable. Gus watched him closely. His reaction would tell him everything he needed to know, whether or not he could really trust his new roommate.

"Um... wow... sorry," he finally said.

Gus shrugged. "No biggie. So you ever overdosed on heroin?"

"Once," Lucas replied.

"Was it scary?"

"It was great. Death is this peaceful and warm place. You don't feel anything anymore, just kinda float," he said.

"That's sorta fucked up," Gus said.

Lucas shrugged. "Not if you wish you were dead."

"Yeah, that's even more fucked... No offense, but you got problems, my man."

"So do you!"

"Yeah but I'm not tryin' to off myself. Shit."

Lucas pointed at the bandages on his wrists. "Oh yeah? What happened? An accident?"

Gus turned red and pressed his wrists to his chest. "Those are none o' your business!"

"You brought it up!"

"Well I don't wanna talk 'bout it."

Lucas shrugged. "Fine. As for me, the only thing that keeps me here is my girl, Nora."

"A girl? She hot?" Gus asked curiously.

"She's beautiful. She's got these gorgeous eyes. Sometimes they look like pearls they're such a light gray. Right now her hair's pink but she always changes it. She got this tight little body and these perfect tits, but her personality is even better than all that. She's the best thing in my life."

"She back home?"

"No. She's here actually. Detoxing."

"That's gotta be hell. I watched junkies withdrawal before. It ain't pretty."

"Yeah. I hope she's okay."

"I had a girl too 'fore I came here. Her name was Mahaylia, and I loved her like crazy."

"What'd she look like?" Lucas asked.

"She was black, real dark skin and eyes, beautiful body and perfect round ass, and this cute lil smile. She had these dimples that appeared when she was really laughin'. She was always makin' me laugh too. She wore her hair in these long braids and I always liked to twist 'em around my fingers. I miss her so bad. I try not to think of her. I kinda hope my brain will forget her if I don't think of her."

"Why? Did she break up with you?" Lucas asked.

"Her pimp slit her throat when we was on Skid Row," Gus mumbled.

Lucas just stared at him in shock. Gus wondered if he'd said something wrong. It was the truth after all. But the horrified look on Lucas's face told him he needed to change the subject. Quick.

"I haven't been laid in a long ass time. How's the pussy with your girl?" Gus asked, taking a drag of his cigarette.

Lucas's horrified look vanished and gave way to a smile.

"Dude, fucking unreal. She gives the best head, and she always surprises me with it. Like sometimes at school and stuff when I least expect it. She's wild. When we fuck it's like being in heaven. Sometimes afterwards I just go to sleep with my dick in her 'cause I literally can't move. She laughs at me for that, but she just doesn't know what she does to me. And she's so sweet. She'll sing me to sleep and strokes my hair. It feels so good. I know she really loves me, ya know?"

"You can still get it up when you're strung out on that shit?" Gus asked disbelievingly.

"Hell yeah! I've never had a problem in that area."

"Every junkie I know can't even jerk off. Bunch o' limp dicks just goin' to waste. That's another reason I'd never do it."

"I'd never let myself get to that point," Lucas said adamantly.

"Still, strung out sex sounds like too much work trynna stay awake. Trust me, sex on meth is way better."

"Dope sex is good too. You just go real slow for a long time and you're so relaxed. You move like a sloth and it takes forever to nut, but when you do it's so good."

"Sounds boring to me. I like to move like a jackrabbit, not a fuckin' sloth. Me and Mahaylia used to fuck over and over, even right after I busted. Crank does that. You can fuck all night. That crank high feels so fuckin' good I nutted in my pants the first time I tried it."

Lucas laughed so hard he snorted. "Oh my God! What- did you jerk off in the pipe?"

"Nope. Just felt that damn good. You remember when you was, like, twelve and you'd nut just from lookin' at a naked chick? It was like that. No jerking off necessary. Just bang."

"That sounds awkward as hell, dude," Lucas said, shaking his head.

"We thought it was hilarious," Gus said. "So when do you get to see Nora again?"

"They said a week. We been together our whole lives, so a week feels like forever. After all this is over, I'm gonna marry her."

Lucas told him about his plan to run away to Chicago with Nora and get a place of their own.

"My stepdad's a fucking asshole. He destroyed my guitar, and he always beats the shit out of me for nothing. So me and Nora are gonna get out. Right after graduation. Maybe Chicago. Maybe just stay in town. I don't know."

"Dude, if you go to Chicago I gotta meet up with you guys there! I got a bunch of friends in that city, and the drugs are cheap," Gus said excitedly.

"You can meet up with us, but I'm clean and I'm gonna stay that way," Lucas said.

"Yeah right. Junkie relapse is like a requirement. This is just your first rehab. There will be many more... if you're lucky. If you ain't lucky, you'll just OD."

"My dad OD'd," Lucas said quietly.

"Oh. I'm sorry, man," Gus said sincerely.

"You didn't know." Lucas shrugged.

"Is that why you started?"

Lucas took a last drag of his cigarette before stamping it out on a dusty patch of earth. "I think it is. I think part of me just wanted to understand why he did it. To feel the way he felt. I thought it would make me feel closer to him."

"Did it?"

"Kind of. I understand now why it was so hard for him to quit. I'm not as mad as I used to be at him, but I miss him a lot."

"He was a good dad?"

Lucas nodded. "He fucked up a lot, but I knew he loved me. If he was here, everything would be better. Everything. He'd fuckin' kill my stepdad once he knew what he does to me, and then him and my mom could get back together. It would be like it used to be."

Gus saw that Lucas's eyes had become glassy as he stared up at the stars, and he seemed to be lost inside the fantasy he was describing.

"I try not to think of how things would be if people were still alive. It just makes me depressed," Gus said.

"I can't help it," Lucas replied.

"You gotta find a way to shut your mind off. In my head I have all these doors, and if I don't like to remember somethin' I just close that door. It gets easy after awhile. The only time I can't shut 'em out is in dreams. That's why I have a lot of nightmares."

"Speaking of nightmares, it's almost time for lights out. Let's go in before we get caught," Lucas said.

Gus stuffed his cigarettes and lighter in his pocket and followed his new friend back inside the building.

Later, after Lucas fell asleep, Gus stared at him for a long time. With his eyes closed, hiding the fact that they were the wrong color, Gus could almost convince himself that Lucas was really Adam. He got so lost in the idea that at some point it seemed true. He crept over to the bed and very softly moved Lucas's hair off his forehead. Then he leaned down, so carefully, so quietly, and gently kissed him there.

"I love you, Adam," he whispered.