"Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality."
– Emily Dickinson

Gus laid awake for a long time after Lucas stormed out of the room. Once again, he had pissed off someone he considered a friend and didn't understand why. And like it always happened, the friend was long gone before Gus could ask what was wrong about what he had said.

If he understood anything at all after this week, it was that Lucas was not Adam. Gus had been allowing himself to indulge in the fantasy of it for a few days now, imagining he was back with Adam the way things used to be. But reality had smacked him in the face. He could no longer pretend that Lucas was his Adam.

Maybe that was the issue. Maybe Lucas had caught on to his game of pretend and believed Gus had real feelings for him. It had been a stupid game to play, Gus knew, but his grief had driven him to desperation. It was then he realized how unfair he had been to Lucas. He had been trying to force him into Adam's role, and maybe Lucas was right to hate him for that.

Gus knew the only way to save their friendship was to be honest. He would have to explain why he had behaved the why he had, however humiliating it was certain to be.

In his dreams that night, Adam was a prominent figure. The dreams were layered like winter bedding; nightmares, snapping up but not waking up, nightmares, more dreams about snapping up. He kept dreaming about snapping up next to Adam, his head dizzy with the heady cocktail of fear and relief, pain and happiness as it swept through him over and over again.

"Again?" Adam asked the third time it happened.

"How else am I supposed to get to you? You won't visit me anymore. I have to find you at the end of my nightmares," Gus said hurriedly, afraid the dream would end too soon.

Adam's eyes were soft silver moonlight in the dark. "I'm sorry. I was mad at you."

"I'm just gonna admit it! I already admitted it to Jeff, and now I'm gonna admit it to Lucas. I'm gonna admit I love you! I've never been ashamed of you!"

"I... I guess I was ashamed to face you," Adam said softly. "So I gave you space."

"I need you, Adam. I don't want anymore fucking space!" Gus said, a pleading note in his voice. "Don't make me go through these nightmares just for the chance of making it here to see you."

They were sharing a sleeping bag like they used to on Gus's bad nights, and Gus recognized where they were but couldn't remember the name; some abandoned store with broken glass all over the place and the city so near through the shattered window, the haphazard frames dividing it up into uneven cookie cutter portions; a square of building, a rectangle of police lights, a sliver of night sky.

"Do you remember this place?" Adam asked finally.

"Yeah. Somewhat."

"You had a horrible nightmare that night. All the others were gone making money. It was only us. I let you sleep in my bag. It was summer but cool enough to sleep close."

Now that Gus looked around he could see they were indeed alone.

"So many nights you held me. They all blur together into one big night," Gus said, his throat tight.

"That's where I am, Gus. I'm in that one big night, every time we see each other. It's the same place. I just use my memories to change the background for you."

"You don't have to. When I'm here, I just wanna look at you," Gus said.

"I'm sorry for leaving you alone so long," Adam mumbled.

"I'm sorry I couldn't admit to anyone how I felt about you."

Gus moved closer and rested his head on Adam's chest, smelling his familiar smell; cigarettes, summer sweat and the fabric softener he insisted on using every time they did laundry even though everyone made fun of him for it. "You're fuckin' homeless but you gotta have your crusty-ass clothes smellin' like lavender breeze," Hex always said in a mocking tone. Adam would respond with, "It's the little things that make you feel human." And somehow that smell had become human enough to carry over with him to the afterlife.

"You know that Lucas guy doesn't look like me," Adam said as they wound their fingers together above their heads.

Gus rolled his eyes. "Yes he does!"

Adam scoffed. "That's just insulting. I have a way better face! Well I had a way better one before they cremated me."

"Okay you're right about the eyes. Definitely not. But the rest-"

"You haven't even seen the rest of him! I have!" Adam said. "And there is no contest, my man. No contest at all. Just this morning I saw the dude taking a shower and-"

"Why you lookin' at him?" Gus demanded.

They both stared at each other for several long seconds before breaking down in laughter.

"Fuckin' perv," Gus said, shaking his head.

"You're a perv," Adam snapped back, giving him a playful kiss.

"You taught me how to be a perv!" Gus countered. He bit Adam's bottom lip.

"Yeah never heard you complainin'. Oh wait, you complain all the fuckin' time. Nevermind."

"Can I beat your ass in the afterlife? Does that work?" Gus asked.

"Well you can touch me... so..."

"So you better stop bein' a douche."

"Yeah watchu gonna do 'bout it, Mouse?"

"Keep runnin' that mouth and I'll show you."

Gus allowed a few more playful kisses, but they both wanted more. Soon they were engulfed in the sleeping bag with their legs and fingers intertwined, breathing hard between deep kisses that bit like frozen water on Gus's hot skin. Adam's hand went exploring beneath Gus's jeans and he gasped.

"You really want to?" he whispered.

"What do you want? It's your dream," Adam said.

"But it's your world."

"Yeah and I want you in it. Stay with me. For awhile. Please, Gus?"

"I'm not goin' anywhere," Gus whispered, and their mouths met once more. The night was bright with their energy as they made love, each touch an electric shock, each kiss a rush of white lightning up their spines.

———————

The next day, Gus didn't see Lucas until lunch. He was sitting by himself at their usual table. Gus thought about waiting and doing this somewhere less public, but that would be risky. Lucas could just avoid him and end up lost in the crowd of residents he'd never met and never spoke to.

Gus took a deep breath and approached the table. "Can we talk?" he asked.

Lucas looked up at him coldly. "Whatever."

Gus sat down at the opposite end of the table, trying to show that he wasn't a threat.

"You know that first day when I asked you about a guy named Adam?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"Well it was because you look like him. A lot."

"I don't even know who you're talking about," Lucas snapped.

"I'm getting there. Adam was my best friend from before. He died of an overdose a couple years ago when I was fifteen. And I was in love with him."

"I thought you were straight!" Lucas exclaimed.

"I'm bi. I think. That's what Jeff calls it. I like girls and guys the same," Gus said, saying the label out loud for the first time. It wasn't as scary as he'd imagined it would be.

"So what does all this have to do with me?" Lucas asked.

It was a fair question, but it was the one Gus didn't want to talk about. Now he had no choice. He looked down at his tray and inhaled the cafeteria-laced smell of his lunch; tacos and pears. It made him queasy.

"I watched Adam die. I still haven't got over it. When I saw you, I guess I just missed him so bad... I kinda got caught up pretendin' you was him. I know it sounds stupid but... it was the only way I could feel close to him again. And when I used to have those nightmares, he'd let me sleep next to him."

"So that's why...?"

Gus could see Lucas putting the pieces together in his head, and he nodded.

"That's why I asked you that. I'm sorry. I never should have let myself get caught up daydreamin ' like that."

Lucas shrugged. Gus watched him nervously, trying to guess his thoughts. Lucas did a good job hiding what we was feeling and it was aggravating to Gus, who wore his emotions like elaborate costumes for all to see whether he wanted to or not.

After a couple of agonizing silent minutes Lucas said,

"It makes sense... I guess. I mean, I did heroin after my dad died to feel closer to him. People do weird shit when they lose somebody."

"Yeah, but I'm sorry I made you feel creeped out."

"It's okay. I just didn't know how to respond to that."

"Did you get a new roommate?"

Lucas shook his head. "To be honest I slept in the common room last night. I was still pissed but kinda hoped we could talk about what happened before I room with someone else."

Gus smiled. "So you still wanna room with me?"

"Sure. Just don't hit on me anymore."

Gus laughed. "I won't. I swear. And now that I know you, you don't look so much like Adam."