"Courage isn't having the strength to go on – it is going on when you have no strength."
– Napoleon Bonaparte

For the second time, Gus woke up in the hospital bed at the ranch. And just like last time, it was all because of some crazy mental breakdown he'd had. What had he done now?

The last thing he could remember was bleeding out on the bathroom floor in his room, looking forward to seeing Adam again. Then a staff member came in and found him. That's when things got fuzzy.

Gus had been sure he would be reunited with Adam the second he lost consciousness, but he realized with a jolt of sadness that he hadn't even dreamed about his friend. A horrible thought hit him: what if there was nothing beyond death after all? What if he never saw Adam again, and every one of their meetings since his death had just been a dream? It was too awful to dwell upon, and Gus shoved the idea out of his head.

He glanced down and saw that both of his wrists were bandaged. When he looked up again he noticed a camera in the upper corner of the room near the door. As soon as he saw it, the door opened. They must have been spying on him.

It was Jeff.

"How you feeling?" Jeff asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed. Gus felt the thin mattress sink around his feet.

"I guess I'm alive," Gus replied.

"Is that okay?" Jeff asked in the patient but probing tone he used during sessions.

"I don't know. I'm not sure what the point is."

"The point of what?"

"Me being alive," Gus mumbled, hoping it made sense. He was never good with explaining his feelings.

"You think it's over for you," Jeff stated, confirming everything Gus had been feeling for weeks, the core of his depression.

"Yeah. I don't get it. I don't understand why I keep on living when everyone else dies. Mahaylia. Adam. What's the point? I don't got nobody to love and nobody who loves me. So why am I here? It's like I'm some joke to God that he can't stop tellin' even though everybody's sick of it."

Jeff was thoughtful. He didn't speak again for several minutes. Then he said,

"The place you're in, Gus, is very small. Depression shrinks your world. You can only see what's right in front of you, and it's a brick wall. You ever seen that movie called Honey I Shrunk the Kids?"

Gus smirked at the silly sounding name. "Nope."

Jeff nodded. "Figured. It's an 80's movie I grew up with. Basically this guy invents a shrinking machine and accidentally shrinks his kids down to bug size. They end up in the trash on the sidewalk and have to make their way back to the house through the front yard. Now, they'd walked across that front yard a thousand times before. Took 'em a few seconds maybe. But when they shrink? The yard becomes a jungle, miles and miles away from the house, filled with huge bugs trying to eat them and all kinds of crazy shit they'd never even imagined when they were normal size."

"So what does that have to do with me?" Gus asked.

"Here's what I'm trying to say. That yard was the same yard. It never changed. What changed was the way they saw it. Depression is like that shrinking machine. What you're battling seems bigger than you, but the world is the same, Gus. You just can't see it the same way you used to, but it's the same. It's got the same hopes, joys, chances, and love. But all you can see right now is the jungle. If you can just keep walking you'll make it out. I swear it."

Gus looked down at his bandaged wrists again. "So, did they ever make it back to the house?"

Jeff smiled. "I'm not giving away the ending. You'll just have to watch it."

"When?"

"I'll see if I can get a copy for the common area. In the meantime, I've got some good news for you."

Gus perked up. "What news?"

"You're getting a roommate."

It wasn't what he wanted to hear. Gus's heart sank. He didn't feel ready to share his room with anyone. It had been nice to have his own private space for the first time in his life.

"Do I have to?" he asked quietly.

"It'll be good for you. His name's Lucas, and he's coming this afternoon. I think he could use a friend like you."

Gus scoffed. "Like me? I'm the most fucked up kid here!"

"Even if that were true, which it isn't, you're also the friendliest kid here. And the funniest. And the most compassionate. So yeah, he does need you."

Gus smiled a little, pleased that Jeff thought such nice things about him despite the way he'd been acting lately.

"Can I go with you to the airport to pick him up?" Gus asked.

Jeff shook his head. "Sorry, man. Policy. But you can help him get settled in."

"So does this mean I can get out of here?" Gus asked hopefully, gesturing at the small room.

"You'll be on suicide watch," Jeff said, "but yes."

"What's suicide watch?"

"Means you sleep with one of the lights on and someone checks on you every thirty minutes. Door has to remain open at all times. A staff member has to be present if you shower or use the bathroom."

"What?" Gus exclaimed. "That's fuckin' crazy!"

"It's the only way to make sure you're safe," Jeff said.

Gus sighed. He had done this to himself and had no choice but to accept the consequences. "Fine."

————————

Lucas was supposed to arrive that afternoon, but the day went on as usual. Jeff left for the airport around noon, and Gus waited expectantly in the common area after classes were over. The drive to the airport only took a couple of hours. Surely they were back by now.

The long evening passed, and soon it was time for lights out. Just as Jeff had said, a staff member escorted Gus to his room and waited outside the bathroom while he showered. As he changed into his sleep clothes the staff member said,

"This is the light you have to keep on all night." The man pointed to the switch that lit up the area closest to the door.

"How am I supposed to sleep with a light on?" Gus asked frustratedly.

The staff member simply shrugged. "That's the rule."

Gus was in a bad mood as he climbed into bed. Not only was he annoyed about the light, but he was disappointed too. Lucas had never showed up. Maybe Jeff had lied to him about getting a roommate to make him feel better.

Sleep came slowly, and once it did Gus didn't get any rest. They kept him awake with the frequent check-ins, shining a flash light onto his face and giving him just enough time to drift off before doing it again.

Deep into the night, he awoke to voices in his room. One sounded like the staff member from earlier. The other voice belonged to a younger guy.

"Here's his file," he heard the staff member say. "We're keeping a close eye on him. Watch his every move and report back to us."

Despite being off meth for weeks now, Gus still experienced occasional hallucinations and paranoia. They came out of nowhere, like a PTSD flashback. Jeff had said they might happen for years to come.

Remembering that, Gus tried to slow his racing heartbeat and tell himself that the voice wasn't real... but there were people in his room. He could see their shadows stretching out across his bed. If they were really there, then maybe the conversation was real too.

This roommate, Lucas, had been sent here to spy on him. Not only that but he had his file too. The file that listed in detail every horrible thing that had ever happened to him. Gus stared at the wall until his eyes burned. He didn't dare move or even blink as he waited to hear more of the plan. The younger guy sounded frustrated and said something Gus couldn't make out. Then the staff member left.

The mattress on the other bed let out a cacophony of groans and squeaks as his new roommate climbed onto it. Then the room was eerily silent. Gus laid awake for a long time, formulating a plan to steal his file back and get to the bottom of the plot against him.