my computer is broken so since i can't get a gif link i'll bless u with this completely unrelated photo which shall be replaced as soon as possible haaan

S 1 E 9 : " C A L L  M E  D A D D Y "

seokjin: first of all, i'm not a rapper

yoongi: ...

seokjin: [ takes a breath in ]

jungkook: [ from the outside of the forcefield ] OH SHIT YOONGI HE FLAMED YO ASS!!

jungkook: HA!! GOTEE!!

hoseok: [ holds jungkook back, covers his mouth ]

jungkook: [ still mumbling and struggling ]

hoseok: [ whispers in his ear ] your mother should have swallowed

[[ cut back to the inner circle of the force field ]]

seokjin: first of all, i want everyone to know, i'm not a rapper. but uh,

seokjin: i broke up wit my ex girl

seokjin: here's her number

seokjin: [ pulls a scrap of paper out of the pocket of his mink, hands it to yoongi ]

yoongi: [ reads ] this just says "SIK-"

seokjin: SIKE!!! THAT'S THE WRONG NUMBER BITCH!!!!

namjoon: [ loses his shit ]

jungkook: [ catches bullets, faints in hoseok's arms ]

hoseok: GO BEST FRIEND THAT'S MY BEST FRIEND THAT'S MY BEST FRIEND

seokjin: [ cockily ] aight, aight, aight. hold it down y'all.

[[ everyone is still too busy screaming to notice jin's efforts to quiet them ]]

seokjin: YOU BETTER STOP

taehyung: [ ignoring seokjin ] don't worry, yoongi! we got your back! we believe in you!

jimin: yeah, min yoong-!

seokjin: BITCH I SAID HOLD IT DOWN

[[ everyone looks at him in silence ]]

seokjin: DAMN..

seokjin: HOW MANY TIMES DOES A MAN HAVE TO SAY HOLD IT DOWN TO GET SOME QUIET???!!

seokjin: AND I BETTER NOT HEAR ANOTHER PEEP OUT OF-

[[ a fart echoes through the room ]]

everyone: ...

namjoon: ... huh? what was that? [ subtly fans butt but just subtly ]

seokjin: ...

yoongi: anyway, it's my tu--

seokjin: na ho

seokjin: so, where was i?

taehyung: you were--

seokjin: aight, aight, aight, check me out [ wipes mouth ]

seokjin: [ looks into camera ] but i'm not a rapper

seokjin: [ points to each item of clothing he wears as he speaks ] glasses, mink, shirt....

seokjin: [ over shoulder, back at hoseok ] call me "glasses, mink, shirt" man

seokjin: or call me supa hot, hunnid degrees, mink on, cruella deVil cos i'm

seokjin: supa

seokjin: hot

seokjin: boi [ pops collar ]

everyone: [ loses their shit again ]

children: [ are born ]

simon the cameraman: it's a no from me [ drops camera 2, disappears ]

taehyung: SIMON? WHERE's SIMON?

jimin: ITS OKAY YOONGI GO GET HIM CHAMP

yoongi: [ rolls eyes dramatically ] anyway

yoongi: ayo bang pd!

yoongi: [ pauses for dramatic effect ]

yoongi: cut the beat

[[ record scratches, beat stops ]]

yoongi: [ deep breath in ]

jungkook: [ holds jimin ]

jimin: [ is hold ]

namjoon: [ looking on expectantly ]

seokjin: lol any day now yoongi

yoongi: first of all, i'm not your friend, so stop looking at me. [ turns his head from seokjin ]

yoongi: second of all, you ain't a rapper. [ gets in his face ] so quit rappin at me.

jimin: [ gasps ]

yoongi: stop tryna act fresh, really just stop it, yo girl told me that yo dick skinnier than a chopstick.

yoongi: actually, she ain't your girl: she just my side chick, must be why your breath stays smelling like my dick.

yoongi: [ fake cries ] oh shit, boo hoo

yoongi: by the way, the last rap you made was doo doo. you always talking about how many movie features you got too, but hana ain't famous and she make more money than you do~

taehyung: he's ending seokjin's whole career!

namjoon: [ shakes taehyung, dying of laughter ] what career? he's not even a rapper?!

seokjin:

yoongi: but see y'all, i never gotta worry...

jungkook: [ looking on in anticipation,eyes widened ]

yoongi: ....about jinnie snitching when i'm making deals and things,

taehyung: [ ad libs ] das true das true

jimin: #snitchesgetstitches

namjoon: spit dem fax, spit dem fax

yoongi: because we all know your boy's too hungry to ever spill the beans.

taehyung: [ lays on ground, receives chest compression resuscitation from hoseok ]

yoongi: because of me, hana's just a girl that he used to date. she dumped him, and i don't blame her. but this man had a chip on his shoulder because of that, and he ate it. greedy mother fucker.

jimin: damn!! come catch this roast seokjin!!!

yoongi: .... [ looks back at jimin, smirks ]

yoongi: what are you talking about jimin? i didn't even start yet.

jimin: THATS IT I HAVE TO GO HOME AND PACK COME ON TAE AND JUAN KOOP WE GOTTA GO

jimin: [ drags taehyung's limp body out of the house with jungkook crying behind him and leaves ]

seokjin: [ trying to sound unbothered ] so are you done or c--

yoongi: and seulgi like how i dress with such style!!!

yoongi: boy,

yoongi: [ gets in his face ] you are my child!

yoongi: i birthed you! i had sex wit yo MOMMA!

hoseok: THOP!!!!

yoongi: she loved it when i did it, she was screaming my name, she said i'mma have a son, seokjin's gonna be lame, and i said

yoongi: "YEAH,

yoongi: DAS TRU"

yoongi: but i still,

yoongi: raised you!

yoongi: yo MOMMA! she is my trick! and you know she is cause she loves sucking my stick! but i didn't say the other word cause we on tv!

yoongi: [ giggles, turns to namjoon ] and she bought me this leather shirt, isn't it nice? it's so comfy lol, feel it.

namjoon: [ feels it ] that is quality material, i should use that in my winter collection.

hoseok: not as comfy as his mink is namjoon what's the name of your clothing line we don't know!!!

seokjin: [ tears up ] thanks hobi, i appreciate dat.

hoseok: you know i got you fam but i can't keep supporting the both of us

seokjin: bro what the fuck??? [ wipes tears on mink sleeve ] help me!! he said i was his son, i can't beat that on my own!!

hoseok: just keep clapping back! you're a natural, remember?

yoongi: [ cuts in ] SIKE, cause first of all, your mink, it looks like pubes! and all your rhymes, they already been used!

seokjin: i made you famous, and you know i ain't lying! the only reason these rhymes are recycled is because... uh, because...[ lost for words ]

[[ yoongi smiles victoriously, prepares to drop the mic ]]

seokjin: it's cause you stole my rhymes!

[[ yoongi slips and falls ]]

namjoon: shiT!!!!!

hoseok: HAAAAN

yoongi: [ into mic, getting up ] that's not t-

seokjin: i said you stole my rhymes!

[[ yoongi slips and falls ]]

yoongi: [ whines ] hoe just let me spea-

seokjin: i said you stole my rhymes!

[[ yoongi slips and falls ]]

seokjin and yoongi: i said, you stole my rhymes!

yoongi: only reason i stole yours, is cause you stole mine!

seokjin: [ wipes tears from eyes ] dude what the fawk!!!!

seokjin: this was my space this was my aeriuh, he can't do that to me right?

hoseok: [ shrugs ]

yoongi: and i'm sorry, for talking about yo momma, why don't we fuck up some commas together in thailand,

yoongi: before we miss the flight, so we can relax all day and party all night

seokjin: ...

seokjin: [ raps like jay z ] you know i can't come thailand, you big ass dope, but y'all will have fun without me, i... hope?

seokjin: now go catch the flight before i cut ass like wedges, cause if you do then i just might have to snatch ya edges

seokjin: [ jay z laughs through happy tears ] hova

yoongi: you ain't gonna snatch my edges, mothafucka, take your phone out to record this ain't nobody can ignore this
i'm more or less a moral-less individual
making movies with criminals tryin' to get them residuals the names min suga, genius jjang jjang man bboong bboong and--

namjoon: OKAY DAMN WE GET THE POINT SHUT UP

namjoon: BEFORE WE REALLY MISS THE FLIGHT,,, DAMN

yoongi: but what about the forcefield?

namjoon: bitch WHËRE

namjoon: it's gone! it's been gone for like five minutes holy shit just please shut up!

yoongi: [ starts adding with his fingers, to self ] carry the one... multiply by ten to the twentieth power

seokjin: [ copying yoongi ] and use the pythagorean theorem to find c squared... hm.. this is a tough one yoongi

hoseok: yo what the fuck are you guys even doing?

seokjin: oh you know [ turns on mic ]

seokjin: just trying to figure out who the fuck namjoon thinks he's talking to

namjoon: [ looks up at sky ] bUT I PRAYED YO

yoongi: [ smiles smugly with hands behind back ] jin, would you like to do the honors?

seokjin: gladly

seokjin: [ aims his straightened hand at namjoon, who is now running frantically down hoseok's front lawn to escape ]

yoongi: aaaaand...

fire.

seokjin: [ cocks hand back like a gun ]

seokjin: BOY

[[ the forcefield reappears ]]

namjoon: [ falls to knees in the grass, screaming endlessly ]

[[ cut to black ]]

NEXT TIME, ON REAL HUSBANDS OF SEOUL:

namjoon: guys....

namjoon: where's my luggage?

--

announcer: last call for boarding for flight 5994 to phuket, thailand.

jimin: [ running around terminals, screeching ]

--

seokjin: [ sits on couch, scrolls through naver ]

seokjin: [ gasps ]

seokjin: no

seokjin: they

seokjin: didn't.

[[ theme song and ending credits ]]

+

ok!!! short chapter!! but this was originally part of ep 8 then i was like no 4K words is too much so yeah, bonus episode you lucky herbs.

so basically the reason why i'm posting these episodes is bc i gave myself a long pep talk about not being a wimp ass bitch bc you know, i ain't a wimp ass bitch and then i sat down for four hours -- even through the writers block -- with only my italian cookies and a tub of party cake ice cream to write these pieces of shit lmao hope you enjoyed kids.

psst there's childish gambino lyrics in here hehe

this is how i imagine seokjin's mink btw.

and the husbands are going to thailand!!! this is going to be a mess!!!

so qotd: where are my readers from? i'm from nyc lol.

- c y a n