my hiatuses clearly aren't that long, because i'm indecisive as hell. long episode ahead!! enjoy!!!!!!

S 1 E 8 : "C Y P H E R"

[ [ a panorama of jungkook's usual jogging park, the lush botanical themed park in cheongdam-dong. jungkook jogs in a muscle tee and basketball shorts with his red running sneakers. he runs alongside yoongi at a steady pace with a radiant smile. yoongi, who wears a tee shirt and grey sweatpants, is clearly not having any of jungkook's shit this early in the morning. ] ]

jungkook: doesn't this feel great yoongi hyung!!!

yoongi: [ out of breath ] fuck you.

jungkook: the wind in your hair, the sun on your skin-

yoongi: the sweat drippin down my balls, the approaching heart attack. it's lovely.

jungkook: you're not going to have a heart attack from a light run.

yoongi's heart: [ muffles through his shirt ] try me bitch.

jungkook: you must not be used to exercising yet. once you get used to doing this all the time, it'll be a breeze.

yoongi: [ flips him off ]

jungkook: [ laughs ] here, grandpa. i got something that'll get you motivated. [ takes out a bottle from the backpack on his back ]

yoongi: jungkook if it's more of that leaf garden blend i already told you i'm a carnivore. i don't eat that shit.

jungkook: you fuckin idiot its a kale and fruit smoothie and its really good. want some?

yoongi: [ sniffs it ]

yoongi: what in det

jungkook: kale, banana, strawberries with the tops and peach.

yoongi: you blended that with the strawberry grass n shit?

jungkook: you mean the tops

yoongi: the grass bitch that's what i said

yoongi: i'm mortified right now...

yoongi: you fuckin barbarian! you might as well have left the damn banana peels on too!

jungkook: studies show that you can actually eat the strawberry tops since they're high in fiber and shit like that. [ drinks some smoothie ]

yoongi: and i'm damn sure the shell of a coconut is good for me too but this motherfucker right here ain't about to eat no woodchips or strawberry grass because of no governance of scienticians

jungkook: just try it fool [ shoves it to yoongi's lips ]

yoongi: no! [ struggles against jungkook ]

jungkook: eat it bitch!

yoongi: i'm being attacked! help!

jungkook: drink the damn smoothie!

yoongi: [ spits in his face ] fuck off!

[ [ jungkook throws some at his lips in the struggle and stumbles backward, wiping the spit from his face. meanwhile, yoongi smacks his lips. ]]

yoongi: oh, haha, this isn't that bad

jungkook: great! [ goes into backpack again ] because i made an extra and--

yoongi: [ shakes head ] whoa whoa whoa i ain't say all that now.

jungkook: well how else are you supposed to get your energy for the second lap?

yoongi: [ eyes widened ] you'rE BUGGIN

yoongi: we have to do another half???

jungkook: um yeah we do, how did you think we were gonna get back to the parking lot?

yoongi: ...

yoongi: [ knocks the smoothie out of jungkook's hand, it spills on the floor ]

jungkook: woooow suck my diiick

yoongi: that is nayoung's job [ begins looking around on the grass for something ]

jungkook: wyd

yoongi: ah! here we go!

yoongi: [ picks up the longest and thickest branch he can find ]

jungkook: that's a big one!

jungkook: i haven't seen a piece of wood that big since i woke up this morning!

yoongi: [ gives him the classic min yoongi bitch face™ ]

yoongi: [ internally ] boy if you don't

yoongi: [ rolls eyes, hands the stick to jungkook ]

jungkook: what are you giving this to me for, hyung?

yoongi: [ gets down on knees ]

jungkook: now i finally understand why your knees hurt so much

jungkook: from sucking sO MUCH DICK!!! CAN I GET AN AIRHORN SOUND EFFECT???

producer: i don't get paid enough for this shit

producer: [ sighs, blows airhorn ]

jungkook: IN YOUR FACE YOONGI!!!

yoongi: i'm not on my knees to suck your dick. just take this stick. take this stick and hit me in the head. give me sweet release.

jungkook: yoongi i ain't about to club you with this damn stick so you can get out of running, get off your knees before your arthritis starts acting up grandpa.

yoongi: well i ain't about to do this second lap

jungkook: ...

4  M I N U T E S  L A T E R

yoongi: so how does this app work again? [ plugs in headphones, looking at his phone screen ]

jungkook: basically, zombie run is an app that motivates you to--

yoongi: [ very loudly ] what?! my headphones are in i can't hear you!

jungkook: [ louder ] it motivates you to run by--

yoongi: what?!

jungkook: [ screaming ] basically the audio makes it sound like you're running from zombies, right? and the slower you get, they'll start to sound like they're catching up to you, so their moans will get louder. that means you need to speed up. and along the way you'll--

yoongi: okay i heard everything this time, but i just need you to repeat it because i'm lying!

jungkook: just run from the zombies, okay?! [ starts running along the path ]

yoongi: okay yoongi, run from the zombies.

yoongi: this shouldn't be that hard.

yoongi: [ starts running behind jungkook ]

jungkook: yoongi, you're lagging.

yoongi: bitch your eyebrows are lagging shut the fuck up.

[[ yoongi begins to hear the zombie sound effects, faintly, but still audibly ]]

yoongi: yo me and these zombies are gonna scrap if they don't stop

[[ the zombies groans get a little louder]]

yoongi: y'all zombies don't want to catch these hands

[[ the zombies are officially loud af, right on his tail, but yoongi keeps his original pace ]]

yoongi: you better stop!

[[ the groans continue. yoongi starts sweating. ]]

yoongi: alright y'all asked for it

yoongi: don't say i didn't warn you

yoongi: [ zoom zoom ]

[[ nyoom ]]

jungkook: yoongi, slow down!

yoongi: [ following the turns of the path, yelling distantly back at jungkook ] fuck you, i ain't about to let no zombie eat my ass!

yoongi: that's seulgi's job!

jungkook: i knew it! i knew you liked getting your booty eaten, you nasty mother fucka!

yoongi: i was joking!

jungkook: #tongueinthebootyassbitch

yoongi: i'M ONLY JOKING THAT'S NOT FUNNY JUNGKOOK [ runs back to jungkook ]

jungkook: okay lmao whatever u say broski

yoongi: i'm seRIOUS PLEASE

jungkook: okay fool just stop touching me

yoongi: ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW I WAS JOKING

jungkook: yes just get the fuck off me witcha sweaty ass! [ shoves yoongi to the ground ]

yoongi: i've fallen, and i can't get up! 

[[ jungkook's phone rings, he reaches into his shorts to answer it ]]

- on the phone: hoseok -

jungkook: [ baekhyun voice ] annyeonghaseyo!

hoseok: new phone who dis

jungkook: but you called me??

hoseok: yes, and who dis?

jungkook: it's me. i was wondering if after all these years you'd--

hoseok: jungkook?

jungkook: yeah.

hoseok: of course it is. i don't know anyone else who's as extra as you.

jungkook: anyway, what's up? what'd you call for?

hoseok: didn't you get my text?

jungkook: sodium

hoseok: it said-- the fuck? sodium?

jungkook: it's a science joke, hyung! because sodium is na on the periodic table, and na means no! get it?

hoseok: jungkook you sound so much better when you're not talking

jungkook: that's not--

hoseok: so much better.

jungkook: but i--

hoseok: please never speak

jungkook: [ laughs ] okie dokie artichoke haha

hoseok: hahahahaiwasn'tjokingfuckyouhhahahaa

hoseok: just be at my house in twenty minutes, okay?

yoongi: [ yells, still rolling in pain ] hoseok send help!!! bad bitch 506 down!!! i repeat, bad bitch 506 DOWN!! jungkook has been feeding me grass and banana peels! i'm on the ground and i can't get up, he pushed me!

hoseok: is that yoongi?

jungkook: yes

hoseok: tell that hoe to use his life alert or some shit man i ain't fuckin comin to help him my bones are just as weak fuck am i gonna do huh?? try to help him up and break my hip? i ain't fuckin comin to help him and even if i did i'd just laugh.

hoseok: put me on speaker

jungkook: idk we're kinda in public i don't think we--

hoseok: speaker. now.

jungkook: [ sighs, puts him on speaker ]

hoseok: what am i gonna do? what's the magic word yoongi?

yoongi: i don't wanna--

hoseok: what's the magic word??

yoongi: [ sighs ] nothing-a-cadabra.

hoseok: and why is that the magic word?

yoongi: [ sighs ] because you ain't gonna do nothing-a-cadabra to help me.

hoseok: that's right. now if you'll excuse me, i have to catch up on my dramas. [ laughs ] i've been hanging out with jin too much, clearly.

hoseok: hoseok out. over.

jungkook: roger that. over.

hoseok: don't copy me bitch. over.

jungkook: [ hangs up, puts phone away ] well, yoongi, looks like you're off the hook for today.

yoongi: bitch i'm off the hook every day i wasn't about to run anymore you ain't gonna catch me doing this shit eVER again because i run me! and there's no man alive who can--

yoongi: aHH the zombIES ARE COMING!

yoongi: [ speed walks like a suburban mom who's late to pick up her kids from karate practice ]

2 0  M I N U T E S  L A T E R

[[ a clear shot of namjoon exiting his coupe with taehyung, putting his car keys away. the two walk across a lush green front lawn toward the front door of a grand home and ring the doorbell. seconds later, the door swings open, revealing none other than jung taejoon. he smiles brightly at namjoon and hugs him immediately. ]]

namjoon: wassup young one. [ smiles, ruffles taejoon's hair ]

taejoon: hi ahjussis! what are you doing here so early? it's only eleven o' thirty in the morning.

taehyung: aw, so cute! [ picks up taejoon, smiles ] i think you meant to say it's eleven thirty o' clock though, lil' tae.

namjoon: [ literally has to pause at what taehyung has just said because it's just that dumb ]

namjoon: [ to taejoon ] we're actually here because your dad called me, but i don't know what for. would you happen to know why he called us here?

taejoon: nope. i just thought you brought taehyung back to get schooled again!

taehyung: [ mutters ] you little fuckin shit, i should tell your father about your gambling ring at school.

taejoon: [ smiles, through teeth ] that don't change the fact that i swindled you out of your rolex boo :)

taehyung: it was an anniversary gift!

taejoon: and bush did 9/11 what is your point

taehyung: you ugly little r--

hoseok: [ enters foyer, wagging finger ] no, no, no no no no don't touch the animals. put him down.

taehyung: gladly

taehyung: [ drops taejoon ]

taejoon: daddy, he dropped me!

hoseok: people drop things all the time. mixtapes. fake bitches. that ass. you're not special.

taejoon: [ pouts dramatically, crosses arms ]

hoseok: taejoon, just go to the living room. now.

taejoon: but daddy!

hoseok: boy i ain't playing this game right now get that ass up to the living room

taejoon: [ under breath, gets up from ground and goes toward living room ] you're not my friend anymore.

hoseok: [ grabs taejoon's ear ] hm? what'd you say? open your mouth, let me hear you say it loud and clear.

taejoon: [ mutters angrily ] i said yes sir.

hoseok: that's what i thought

hoseok: now take that ass back to the living room witcha big ass forehead i swear that's your mama's forehead man i ain't never seen a forehead so vast in all my years goddamn.

hoseok: [ stops momentarily, then goes back to it ]
and one more thing, i'm not your friend! i'm your dad! they're two very different things, little boy!

taejoon: [ from living room ] you're not my dad anymore either!

hoseok: okay, so go live on the street with your pigeon family! let them feed you breadcrumbs and sunflower seeds for all i care! i always knew you were meant to live with the pigeons anyway! go! fly away! i don't care!

namjoon: hoseok please have mercy

hoseok: oh, sorry guys. come on in. long time no see, huh??

namjoon: i saw you yesterday tho.

namjoon: well, i guess it depends on what your perception of time is, because really, time has no meaning. it has existed and continues to exist and will exist with--

taehyung: it's a fucking saying aristotle let it go

hoseok: [ guides them to living room ] anyway hoes, have a seat. i have some news to share with you.

taehyung: is chaeun pregnant with another one of those... things?

hoseok: hell na bitch pull out game fleekt fuck outta here

hoseok: i can barely handle one taejoon tf i look like making a second one

yoongi: no hobi don't listen to them make another one i need to build my army

jungkook: [ plays with taejoon, smiles ] your son really is relentless hoseok. cute, but savage.

hoseok: i don't even know where he gets it from. but that's not why we're here, stop distracting me.

namjoon: so then why the fuck are we here?

hoseok: we have to wait for seokjin to get here first for me to tell you

seokjin: well bitch !! wait no longer !!!

[[ crazy in love starts playing, seokjin struts into the living room in a mink and givenchy sunglasses. he strikes several poses, seven different camera angles and glam shots appear. he blows a kiss into the camera then resumes his path into the room. ]]

hoseok: [ tiredly ] jin,,,, how did you get in?

seokjin: [ flashing the bedazzled key on his chain ] you can call me zoey 101 bitch cause i got the key to success.

yoongi: wouldn't that make you dj khaled though?

seokjin: [ takes off glasses, looks yoongi up and down ]

seokjin: wouldn't those knockoff versace loafers make you a broke bitch though?

yoongi: i did nothing to deserve this and yet here i am taking bullets

seokjin: [ giggles, pushing yoongi's shoulder ] lol you know i'm just joking yoongs

seokjin: and hello jungkook!!! [ warmly hugs the maknae ]

[[ seokjin stops smiling ]]

seokjin: .... others

hoseok: [ gives seokjin a momentary stank look ]

hoseok: [ looks away and rolls eyes ]

hoseok: ANYway

hoseok: i have a surprise for you all!!

hoseok: the real husbands of seoul are....

hoseok: going to thailand !!!!!!!!

jimin: no way!

taehyung: wHAT THE FUCK YES OH MY GOD

namjoon: yes!!! finally, i'll get to go to a nude beach and tan my ass cheeks without people looking at me funny!!

hoseok: okay now hold on namjoon, i ain't say all that....i ain't--

jungkook: LITTY TITTY

hoseok: ...... so

hoseok: we're going to be staying at the five star iniala resort, with our own private beach and separate suites for seven days and seven nights, all inclusive with round trip flights. you guys can thank me later.

yoongi: that's amazing! i've seen that place on the kardashians!

yoongi: i mean not that i watch that show or anything like haha

jungkook: thanks hoseok hyung! [ goes in for hug ]

hoseok: [ shies away ] mmmm no. iss ok.

hoseok: what about you jinnie?

seokjin: ughhh!!! i wish i could come, but i have a lot of um... work to handle.

[[ taehyung & jimin exchange looks across the room ]]

-JIMIN-

"mmmmmHM. 'work'. sure...."

--

hoseok: you can't come? seriously? [ drops himself onto couch ] man, that sucks...

seokjin: [ grinning ] why? are you gonna miss your best friend?

hoseok: no bitch the fuck

-HOSEOK-

[ through tears, dabbing eyes with tissue ]

"da fuck? of course i am gonna miss the hoe. but i'm not gonna tell him that. seokjin's ego is already gassed up. it's gassier than namjoon on thursdays. that gassy."

--

-NAMJOON-

"first of all, the only reason i'm so gassy on tuesdays is because on tuesday we eat chipotle. chipotle on me. so if he wants burrito thursdays to keep being a thing, hoseok better stop talking about my gassy ass. i can fart all i wanna."

[ rips one ]

[[ and i mean really rips one, like one of those long farts that you only get when you've been holding in your farts all day. you know which kind i'm talking about. you know. ]]

[ giggles ]

"excuuuuse me."

[ camera unfocuses on namjoon and cuts to jimin in the background ]

--

hoseok: [ to seokjin ] well anyway bitch you better have a good reason for leaving me to babysit these six gremlins all by myself.

hoseok: we leave at 3 am tomorrow though, because that's when the cheapest tickets were offered. so whoever doesn't make it to the airport by then is getting left, "tata", no questions asked. and i don't think you're gonna get a refund on the tickets. so if you waste my money just know that we're gonna scrap. and i always go for the edges.

namjoon: [ gasps fearfully, holding edges ] you wouldn't.

hoseok: yeah, probably not. i'd probably get seokjin to do it for me when we come back though.

seokjin: [ smiles at namjoon ]

namjoon: [ on phone, running out of the room ] eunmi, take out my neon green swimming trunks

namjoon: DON'T ASK QUESTIONS WOMAN MY EDGES ARE ON THE LINE

namjoon: [ farts ]

jimin: so basically what you're saying hobi,

jimin: and correct me if i'm wrong,

jimin: is that all bubble blowing babies will be beaten senseless by every able--

seokjin: [ hisses ]

jimin: [ sweats, guarding edges ] nevermind it's all good i remembered the answer anyway haha

yoongi: i ain't scared of you seokjin, you bummy ass bitch. i'll knock ya ass out right now if you think you're taking my edges!

seokjin: alright then swing first!

yoongi: [ sighs, rubs hands on pants and gets up ]

yoongi: [ to the producers ] pass me a mic?

hoseok: oh shit here we go again

seokjin: this isn't gonna work a second time, yoongi.

yoongi: [ holds hand up ] ay, ay, ay,

yoongi: didn't ask you.

yoongi: anyway, drop the beat.

[[ beat drops ]]

[[ just imagine the beat to hip hop lover  with bass boosted. ]]

yoongi: bOY

taehyung: we've reached the point of no return

seokjin: i'm leaving, i don't have time for this.

seokjin: [ struts into an invisible force field ]

seokjin: what the

seokjin: what the fuck is this? [ pointing at the energy field, turns to hoseok ] hoseok, why can't i leave your fucking house?

hoseok: [ hands up ] don't look at me.

jimin: don't you know the rules? don't you hear that bass?

seokjin: so?

jimin: you've been summoned into a rap battle, seokjin. you cannot both leave this place alive.

taehyung: or at least not without him ripping you a new asshole again i'M WEAK.

seokjin: [ walks into forcefield trying to fight taehyung ]

taehyung: HAAAAN YOU THOUGHT!!

taehyung: YOU REALLY DID THINK!!!11!!!

seokjin: ...

seokjin: [ points at taehyung ] when i get out i'm taking your edges first.

[[ boxing bell rings ]]

SEOKJIN

VS.

YOONGI

-JUNGKOOK-

[ squealing ]

"i've been waiting for this day! lowkey, i think yoongi will win, but jin beat my ass last time for laughing at him, so my money is on seokjjin! fingers crossed, fighting!"

--

-NAMJOON-

"listen, i don't even know what could happen tonight.....

but i'm just glad it isn't me! haHA!"

[ stops laughing immediately, gets down on knees and looks at sky ]

"dear lord in heaven if all of our asses but one get dragged into the roast on this fry-yo-ass-friday, i just need you to hold it down and make sure i don't take any bullets, okay? fuck all these other bitches on the show. i pray at night, for i am a god-fearing individual unlike the unholy ass and their sins which surround me. protect. me."

--

producer: GET READY

producer: ...

producer: SPIT

seokjin: okay so first of all,

seokjin: i'm not a rapper--

[[ ending theme ]]

+

part 2 coming very soon. hope you had lots of laughs reading this one bc i couldn't stop crying lmao.

- c y a n