S 1 E 7 : "S I N N E R S W I T H H A L O S "

PREVIOUSLY, ON REAL HUSBANDS OF SEOUL

jungkook: [ creeps into house, silently shuts the front door; tip toes into living room quietly ]

[ [ floorboard creaks ] ]

jungkook: [ silently scolds camera crew for making noise ] !!!!!????!!!

[ [ jungkook tip toes into the living room quietly; startled when the living room lamp goes on ] ]

??: hello...

[ [ camera pans to nayoung, menacingly waiting in a black leather armchair with folded hands ]

nayoung: jeon jungkook.

jungkook: bae look before you get mad i can explai--

2 W E E K S L A T E R

-JUNGKOOK-

[ [ with bandana around head and charcoal stripes on cheeks ] ]

"so it's been like,

[ checks the tally he made on the wall ]

it's been about fourteen days and i've been living in the guest house in our backyard.... aaaaand it fucking sucks.

nayoung is still pretty mad at me and won't let me into the house, but it could be worse. i'm just glad she hasn't ripped my nuts off yet.

i mean at first, living here was pretty bad. i've been living off of chef boyardee's and gatorades, because that's all that's stocked in the fridge. there's no air conditioning and i can literally feel myself breathing in my own sweat because it's just that humid. today i put on the last clean pair of underwear that i packed. there was even this one monster with big eyes and a hairy body, it was like twenty feet tall with six legs and the most ferocious look in its eyes. it used to stare at me at night when i was trying to sleep."

--

jungkook: [ screeching, balled up in corner of wall ] 

[ [ camera pans to the monster in the middle of the room ] ]

cameraman: ...... jungkook that's a roach

--

"but now i realize that aubrey is actually quite friendly. i can't understand what she's saying because she speaks roach, but she's generally a good roommate. i think we have some great synergy and make a great pair."

--

jungkook: oh my god, this movie is so fucking good.

jungkook: [ looks at aubrey ]

jungkook: [ holds bag out to her ] popcorn?

aubrey: [ is roach ]

--

"so after two long weeks--"

"jungkook it's only been three days."

"aubrey and i came up with an idea, and if it doesn't fix things between nayoung, i don't know what will."

--

[ [ "tell me what is love" by d.o. playing not-very-faintly in the distance ] ]

nayoung: [ wide awake in bed, trying to sleep with rollers in and pajamas on ]

nayoung: [ puts pillow over ears ]

[ [ the volume of the music intensifies until the bass is vibrating ] ]

nayoung: uGHH

nayoung: [ goes to window and opens it ]

nayoung: what the fuck do you want?

jungkook: [ singing, with stereo in hand ] yeaH yeahhhya YEAHYEA PLAY ANOTHER SLOW JAM

jungkook: THIS IS MY PROPERTY

jungkook: tell me what is love~

nayoung: [ rolls eyes, returning to bed ]

jungkook: waIT!!! [ turns off stereo ]

jungkook: i really did propose because i wanted to propose and i know i sounded like an ass but to be fair i'm a guy and i think with my testosterone and my dick most of the time and i only said that to fit in with the guys bAE I'M SORRY

nayoung: pleasE SHUT UP IT'S like 7 a.m. THE WORLD ISN'T EVEN AWAKE YET

jungkook: BUT I NEED YOU TO KNOW HOW I'M FEELING

jungkook: [ singing ] TELL ME HOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BREATHE WITH NO AIR, CAN'T LIVE CAN'T BREATHE WITH NO AIR

nayoung: jungkook shuT UP

jungkook: [ closing eyes ] WHO'S GONNA TAKE YOUR PLACE THERE AIN'T NOBODY BETTER, OOH BABY BABY WE BELONG TOGETHER

nayoung: CAN YOU--

jungkook: IS IT TOO LATE NOW TO SAY SORRY

nayoung: kook just--

jungkook: [ strums guitar ] saranghae bitch

jungkook: [ strums guitar, pointing ] i ain't never gonna stop neol saranghae

jungkook: .... bitch

jungkook: if you don't like that song let me sing another

jungkook: [ doing exo choreography ] GUDAE WOLF NAEGA WOLF

nayoung: J U N G K O O K

jungkook: ...

nayoung: if i accept your apology will you PLEASE stop singing???!!

jungkook: of course!!!!

nayoung: [ muttering to self ] damn, always making noise and thinking i'm with that romiette and julio shake-n-bakespeare bullshit i'm fuckin tryna sleep and he out here with fufu lame but i ain't wit it

jungkook: GRATATA

nayoung: [ gives him that look ]

jungkook: my bad

jungkook: but wait, aren't you going to let me in now?

nayoung: i never said you couldn't come in, you just exiled yourself to the guest house. not me. you're such a big baby, you ran away crying to the guest cabin after i started yelling at you. or did you forget that part?

jungkook: [ voice cracks ] yoU kno W i don't work wELL under prESSURE

nayoung: and fuck i look like letting you in through the bedroom window? do i look like rapunzel to you?

jungkook: i mean actually with those malaysian bundles you do--

nayoung: i ain't letting you in through the damn window, jungkook.

jungkook: then can you let me in through the front door?

nayoung: you have keys. put them to use.

jungkook: i didn't pack my keys.

nayoung: well then

nayoung: sounds like a you problem.

[ [ slams window ] ]

[ [ time lapse of sun rising, glamour shots of inner city seoul. cut to interior of a book store, where jimin sits behind a table, with a big cutout of his new novel behind him. enter taehyung, who cuts the obvious line of fans waiting to get their book signed to talk to jimin. ] ]

taehyung: [ struts to front of line dramatically ] jimin! what's good, bitch? [ strikes pose ]

jimin: oh my god, taehyung, hey! i didn't know you would come! [ hugs taehyung, chuckles pettily ] i mean, none of the other husbands showed up but c'est la vie, hm?

-JIMIN-

"those sons of bitches are all so, so sHADY! i ask them to show up to my one big day, the release and book signing of my newest novel, and all but taehyung don't care to show up. i swear, they ask me to come to all of their events. 'jimin come to my mizo promotion' or 'come to my runway' and i always go even if i don't want to. but if i didn't show up i'm the bad guy??? me??"

"bitch that ain't the case, i can tell you that. "

--

jimin: so, what brings you by?

taehyung: i'm just here to be your bra

taehyung: because i'm here to support you

taehyung: also i love titties i love jangmi's titties

jimin: it's an avocado.....

jimin: ....thanks

taehyung: but yeah, i was actually hoping to get this book signed for jangmi, since she actually really loves your work. [ slides a copy of the book across the table to jimin ]

fan: okay but you skipped me???

taehyung: [ looks at fan briefly ] dismissed.

jimin: [ signing inner cover ] wow, i didn't know jangmi even read my books.

taehyung: yeah, she thinks you're weird as shit though

jimin: okay lol

taehyung: when she saw you with that strap on at her birthday party, she almost lost it.

jimin: haha okay please don't bring it up right now before people hear you

taehyung: she was like, "park jimin must be into some real kinky shit. i wonder if he has a mommy kink and--"

taehyung: why is this bitch breathing on my neck? [ looks at fan behind him ] bitch why are you breathing on my neck?

fan: i wouldn't be breathing on your neck if you didn't skip the fucking line

taehyung: bitch!!!!.... expecto patronum, um -- what other spells are there? um, bippity boppity get the fuck outa here boo. shoo. go.

jimin: [ putting head down, well aware that shit is about to go left ] i'mma just die, let me just have an aneurysm or some shit it'll be okay

fan: you don't wanna throw hands with me fam

taehyung: ...

taehyung: be careful jimin

taehyung: any sudden movements

taehyung: will cause the honey badger to attack

fan: honey badger don't care! honey badger don't give a shit, he'll peel your muffin cap back blue too!

taehyung: oh yeah?! well i would find all seven dragon balls just to wish a bitch--

2 H O U R S L A T E R

jimin: you shouldn't have wished a bitch would

taehyung: [ with one black eye ] you know, it seemed like a good idea back then. i was on my seokjin flow and i was feeling it.

jimin: but you remember where that got him, don't you?

jimin: yoongi ripped him a new asshole!

taehyung: true true

taehyung: but i didn't think that guy knew muay thai!

jimin: i didn't even think he'd be able to lift his leg that high he was kinda thick tbh

jimin: well, at least with that black eye you can finally say you're 1/18th black!

jimin: you can say 1/18th of the n word now! how cool is that! [ reaches across table, pinches his cheek ] 

taehyung: i'mma really murder you one day then it won't be funny

waitress: [ setting down drinks ] a mudslide for you, and for park jimin a peach lemonade

taehyung: !!!!!

jimin: [ sips drink with brow raised ] what?

taehyung: you saw the titties on her fam??

jimin: taehyung.

taehyung: [ does hand gesture ] they were like two fruitful baby watermelons. and either this is a stale breadstick in my pocket, or i'm rock hard. hopefully it's a breadstick.

jimin: TAEHYUNG YOU'RE MARRIED

taehyung: i'm joking about the boner

taehyung: no i'm really kidding i'm joking [ looking into camera ] no seriously jangmi i'm not hard i swear please don't hit me

taehyung: [ stands up, sweating and putting his crotch all up in the camera ] i'm not even a little bit hard it's just a joke i'm trying to be funny please don't sexile me like jimin

jimin: [ high pitched voice, hits taehyung ] hey!!! rUDE!!

jimin: if you know how i feel why would you say that, you put me in such an uncomfortable situation like you know i'm not happy

taehyung: her titties were fat tho [ daps jimin ] 

jimin: real talk. [ daps taehyung ] 

jimin: we're still married though fam

taehyung: which means?

jimin: that if soohyun sees this episode she's not gonna let me hit for years

jimin: oh wait, that's already my reality

jimin: [ looks into camera ]

taehyung: no jimin, it's camera four this time [ points to camera four ]

jimin: oh my bad um

jimin: [ looks into camera four ]

taehyung: now i see what jangmi says about you being weird

taehyung: buuuut, us being married doesn't mean that we can't look at the menu. we just can't order.

jimin: what do you mean we can't order? i really wanted to try the new york flat iron steak, that really sucks ://////

taehyung: you fucking idiot its a metaphor

jimin: OH!

jimin: do you put the killing thing--

taehyung: NO YOU DON'T PUT THE KILLING THING BETWEEN YOUR LIPS AND NOT GIVE IT THE POWER TO KILL YOU

jimin: that was a good movie though.

taehyung: yeah, i really think it was cute despite the whole part where it ripped my heart out

jimin: i especially loved the part where augustus was like "okay bitch?" and that hazel hoe was like "okay dumbass."

jimin: ahh, so romantic

jimin: the romeo and juliet of its time

taehyung: something-...something tells me that's not how the book went

jimin: [ laughs ] i'm pretty sure that's how it went. i am a writer myself, i have six degrees in words and a PhD in the governance of scientology in literature. i think i know what i am talking about here.

taehyung: i give up i gotta go [ starts leaving ]

jimin: [ looks like he has seen a ghost ] um, no you can't

taehyung: as barack obama once said, "bitch yes we can and yes we will"

jimin: taehyung, you might wanna stay to see this

taehyung: see what? [ turns around ]

[ [ jimin points across the restaurant at a table for two, where seokjin sits. across from him is a woman whose back faces them, but her hair is styled in a pixie cut and dyed brown. seokjin's seat faces them, and they can see the large smile planted on his face. ] ]

jimin: that's... that's not hana

taehyung: so? i'm sure that's just a friend of his

[ [ seokjin reaches across the table and holds her hand ] ]

taehyung: or his sister. maybe that's his sister.

[ [ he whispers in her ear and she starts laughing and blushing ] ]

jimin: that'S NOT HIS WIFE LORD JESUS CALL THE POPO

taehyung: oh my god

jimin: bitch i'mma just [ falls back in seat ] i'mma just drop that's all

taehyung: [ sings, feigns fainting for dramatic effect ] take me to the king!

[ [ taehyung falls onto a table and rolls off to the ground, taking all the decor off with him ] ]

jimin: taehyung you fucking idiot, now he's looking this way!

jimin: [ with head in menu ] bitch act natural, act natural!

taehyung: [ scrambles to edge of the table, tries to put elbow on table and hold head in his hand ]

taehyung: [ slips and knocks all the glassware off the table, again ]

jimin: [ steps on taehyung's foot under the table ] bitch i said act natural!

taehyung: [ whispering dramatically, still trying to get off ground and into chair ] FUCK HE'S COMING THIS WAY HE KNOWS ITS US

jimin: whAT

taehyung: [ whisper yelling ] JUST RELAX I THINK HE'S ONLY GOING TO THE BATHROOM

jimin: [ looking through the mirror behind taehyung ] TAEHYUNG YOU FUCKING IDIOT, I CAN SEE HIS REFLECTION COMING STRAIGHT TOWA--

taehyung: [ starts adding pepper and salt to his drink, stirs with a butterknife and smiles too widely ] seOOKJIN!! HI!!!!!!!!! WH AT BRINGS YoU HERE??

seokjin: oh you know, just having a brunch. what are you two up to?

jimin: [ trying to keep it together, breathing choppily ] it was my book signing today, so taehyung was nice and treated me to lunch

seokjin: oh my god, it was your book signing? i totally forgot! [ puts hand on jimin's shoulder ]

jimin: [ looks at shoulder, sweats ]

shoulder: [ is hold ]

seokjin: i'm so sorry, jimin, i'll make it up to you eventually. but for now, i'd hate to keep that lovely lady waiting, so i'll talk to you both later, huh?

jimin: YUP SURE THING BUDDY HASTA LA VISTA

taehyung: [ staring at seokjin with a straight face ] i'm gonna say goodbye to you, whatever happens i'll be cool with you, wanna give me your number i'mma call you promise i won't forget ya hasta la--

jimin: [ covers taehyung's mouth ]

seokjin: [ laughing ] have a nice day, you two!

taehyung: [ muffled under jimin's hands ] H-A-S-T-A~ ..... la vista!

[ [ both wait until seokjin is seated again to resume sipping their tea ] ]

jimin: something ain't right

taehyung: i know. he's never wished us a good day before and meant it.

jimin: we gotta get to the bottom of this. he's like a sinner with a halo or some shit. and it's not adding up.

jimin: looks like we've got a mystery on our hands scoob

[ [ dramatic ending theme plays, screen fades into b&w slow mo drama shot of taehyung and jimin ] ]

[ [ record scratches ] ]

-JIMIN&TAEHYUNG-

t: "how come i have to be scooby?"

j: "i don't *beep* know, that's just how the line goes."

t: "i don't want to be the dog!"

j: "taehyung, i just said it just for the sake of--"

t: "that's really degrading of you to make me the dog you know. and it's not funny because he has a speech impediment and i think that's really disrespectful because you KNOW that i had a lisp in middle school because of my retainer. do you think that's funny, jimin? it's not funny, jimin!"

j: "it's literally not that deep."

"even if we were standing in the twelve foot end of the pool it still wouldn't be that deep."

"even if we were standing in your singing voice, it still just would not be that deep."

t: "okay jimin, if it's not that deep, then why are my feelings hurt???"

j: "..."

t: "explain in two to three paragraphs double spaced times new roman 11.5 font due monday"

j: "what--i'm not gonna type a paper to prove this to you?? you being scooby isn't that important!"

t: "if it isn't that important, how come you get to be shaggy and i have to be the *beep* dog!

j: "okay fine! you can be shaggy then, and i'll be scooby."

t: "okay"

"..."

"but shaggy dresses like namjoon and he eats dog snacks!"

j: "fiNE *beep* THEN BE *beep* FRED I DON'T *prolonged beep* YOU--"

THIS EPISODE OF REAL HUSBANDS WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY:

VIRGO BY NAMJOON

RUNWAY FASHION FOR BITCHES ON A BUDGET.

+

attached in the media is the first song jungkook sang to nayoung, tell me what is love. 10/10 would recommend song by softcore satansoo. also, wtf did i just write. i also don't mean to insult namjoon's fashion sense in that last bit about shaggy, its for the sake of the story and characterization but i feel terrible.

new story out!!! a yoonmin story called daybreak, about two boys and all the things that can happen while waiting for the train. check it out por favor? and stay tuned for episode 8 bc it starts a series special lmao.

- c y a n