S 1 E 6 : " M O N E Y , C A S H , H O E S "

jungkook: [ creeps into house, silently shuts the front door; tip toes into living room quietly ]

[ [ floorboard creaks ] ]

jungkook: [ silently scolds camera crew for making noise ] !!!!!????!!!

[ [ jungkook tip toes into the living room quietly; startled when the living room lamp goes on ] ]

??: hello...

[ [ camera pans to nayoung, menacingly waiting in a black leather armchair with folded hands ]

nayoung: jeon jungkook.

M E A N W H I L E

[ [ cut to interior of the min household ] ]

seulgi: [ entering foyer ] alright babe, i'm ready

[ [ "pop lock and drop it" begins to play. a slow mo glamour shot of seulgi walking into the foyer plays, camera panning up from her legs to her smile. seulgi winks, and a twinkle sound effect follows. ] ]

yoongi: [ licking lips ] damn shawty what's good

yoongi: i mean!! [ clears throat ] you look very good today!

seulgi: [ internally ] very???? i look excellent, bitch! don't you ever say i look good ever again!

seulgi: thanks, yoon! [ kisses his cheek ]

yoongi: but um... [ moves back, sizes her up ]

yoongi: where's the rest of your shirt? where's your pants?

seulgi: i'm wearing them.

yoongi: no you not. you're in a pair of long panties and a bra.

seulgi: this is a sports bra and leggings.

yoongi: no, you're in your underwear.

yoongi: and why you going to the gym in makeup? who you trying to look cute for? you trying to find a man? you trying to replace me?

seulgi: .....nah but look

seulgi: are you jealous though fam?

yoongi: no.

seulgi: [ starts to smile ] you're just so jealous....

seulgi: of my contour and highlight!!!

yoongi: i'm pretty sure that's not my main concern.

seulgi: yes you are!!! mad because my eyebrows are fleeky??

yoongi: that's not why, the fuck?

seulgi: it's my eyeshadow and liner then. [ looks in mirror, starts posing ] this wing so sharp i could kill a man.

yoongi: seulgi, no.

seulgi: and these eyelids are glitter a.f.!!

yoongi: seul--

seulgi: tinkerbell better watch out, there's a new bitch with the pixie dust in town!!

yoongi: jeSUS it's nOT THE DAMN MAKEUP.

seulgi: [ knowingly bats eyelashes ] if that's not what it is, then what is it?

yoongi: [ mumbles ]

seulgi: hm? what's that?

yoongi: [ sighs ]

yoongi: [ mumbles slightly louder ]

seulgi: [ holds ear out to him ] come again? hm? come again?

yoongi: [ monotonously ] i don't want other guys looking at you.

seulgi: aw, look at that. my little yoongi-boo is jelly.

yoongi: no really??? i thought i was always a bit more peanut butter.

seulgi: so snappy today, this one.

yoongi: [ pouts ]

seulgi: okay, i'll put on a bigger shirt for you.

yoongi: thanks jagi~

seulgi: but i'm not gonna change the leggings.

yoongi: i don't want those sweaty ass meatheads looking at how good you look in those though.

seulgi: that's great because i'm not wearing it for them.

seulgi: i'm wearing it for me. [ looks into mirror again over shoulder, caressing her ass ] damn ma, you thick! you got kakao? can i get your number?

yoongi: no but you can get that ass up them stairs and change those pants. [ shoves her toward the stairs ]

seulgi: oh my god, yoongi! i'm not changing these! we're going to the gym, what do you expect me to wear?

yoongi: [ still pushing ] hop to it. skeedaddle!

seulgi: what's the point of doing squats all the time if no one gets to see my ass?

yoongi: nobody needs to see that ass! except me!

yoongi: and i hear if you do three squats in black leggings while simultaneously having a fat ass, you'll summon he who shall not be named.

seulgi: voldemort?

yoongi: no, worse.

yoongi: park jimin.

seulgi: but--

yoongi: ah ah ah!!! no buts!!

seulgi: speaking of no butts, you have like no ass so when we hit this gym i'm going to need you to be about the sumo squat life because i like my men thicc.

yoongi: sLIM THICC WITH MY CUTE ASS.

seulgi: ...

yoongi: ...

yoongi and seulgi: I MIGHT BUY ME A NEW BAG.

yoongi: [ dabs ]

★ ★★★

seulgi: i'm gonna go over to the treadmills now, jagi. [ going toward treadmill ]

yoongi: [ gets up from bench press and follows her ] alright, i think i could go for a run too.

seulgi: [ veers left ] or maybe the leg curls?...

yoongi: [ turns on heels ] of course!! how could i forget leg day?

seulgi: [ stops walking, finger on lips ] but i want to do chest presses...

yoongi: [ puts hands on and looks down at chest ] i guess it's never too late to start working my titties.

seulgi: abs!! abs!! definitely abs! [ sits at ab bench ]

yoongi: [ sits in the adjacent ab bench ] gotta get that beach body in shape for the summer!!

seulgi: mIN YOONGI WILL YOU PLEASE HOP OFF MY DINGALING.

yoongi: what? hop off? i haven't been doing anything. [ does crunches nonchalantly ]

seulgi: stop following me everywhere!

yoongi: i think it's mere coincidence that we end up at every station together. maybe it really is written in stone for us.

seulgi: do you think i'm an idiot?

yoongi: .............trick question?

seulgi: yoongi. i am going to the treadmill. if you end up anywhere -- anywhere -- within a ten foot radius of me, i will not hesitate to get in the car and leave you here.

yoongi: you don't have the keys.

seulgi: [ reaches over, digs in the pockets of his basketball shorts and takes the keys to his car ]

yoongi: oh shit truuu.

seulgi: [ dangling keys ] i'll be at the treadmills, okay?

yoongi: but listen,

yoongi: that guy with the peanut head has been staring at you since we walked in, there's a bunch of sweaty teenage boys in here with mad hormones and shit, and i'm pretty damn sure that smiling black guy in the corner isn't smiling at the weights he's curling, seulgi!

seulgi: [ rolls eyes ]

[ [ seulgi walks away ] ]

yoongi: fine, be like that then!

-YOONGI-

[ kevin hart voice, in english ]

"oh my god nooooo seulgi, seulgi noooo oh my god. oh my god. seulgi nooo oh no oh no. don't leave me, noooo."

--

yoongi: [ to self ] oh my fucking god what i'm gonna do what if she leaves me for...

yoongi: [ looks across room ]

[ [ camera pans to black guy ] ]

black guy: [ smiling ]

yoongi: fuck!

[ [ special fx: a small kumamon appears on yoongi's shoulder ] ]

yoongi's inner kumamon: the competition is rough.

yoongi's inner kumamon: but you must conquer.

yoongi: but i can't! i've got nothing on him!

yoongi's inner kumamon: [ mufasa voice ] yoongi, you have forgotten me.

yoongi: no, i haven't!

yoongi's inner kumamon: simba, you have forgotten who you are and so forgotten me. look inside yourself, sugamon. you are more than what you have become. you must take your place in the circle of life.

yoongi: how can i win her back? i'm not who i used to be...

yoongi's inner kumamon: remember who you are.

yoongi's inner kumamon: you are my son, and the one true swag master. remember who you are....

yoongi: father!

yoongi's inner kumamon: remember.... [ fades out ]

yoongi: [ looks into camera ]

yoongi: i must avenge lord kumamon.

2 M I N U T E S L A T E R

yoongi: [ walks over to smiling black guy, angrily ] hey, you!

yoongi: [ internally ] i'mma fuck this boy up!!! hope he ready to throw hands!

black guy: [ puts down weights, looking down at yoongi ] ye?

yoongi: ...

yoongi: [ voice cracking, in english ] you're very cool guy, can show me how be cool like you?

black guy: first you gotta pull these pants down a lil bit fam. [ pulls down yoongi's shorts until his tidy whitey calvin klein briefs begin to show ]

yoongi: oh ok um

black guy: and get loose. nah'm saying?

yoongi: nah'm.... saying?

black guy: yeah, yeah! like that!

black guy: word?

yoongi: word?

black guy: bang bang, skeet skeet.

yoongi: [ jumps and smiles ] bang bang, skeet skeet!

black guy: alright, try not to look so excited when you say that though.

black guy: now repeat after me. me and my homie chris just parked our whip outside. we're looking for somewhere to post up for the night. you gonna let us stay in this crib or nah, cuz?

yoongi: ....

black guy: fam you good? why you keep looking at me like that?

yoongi: ...

yoongi: [ sharkeisha's him reflexively because kumamon said so ]

[ [ enemies by drake starts playing ] ]

black guy: [ holding jaw angrily ] the fuck was that for?

yoongi: [ trying to sound hard and not cry ] that woman is my wife! i don't appreciate byuntaes like you staring at her and licking your lips. you can't have her! she's mine! for me!

black guy: but i'm gay!

yoongi: your dick might be bigger, but i reign supreme around here. i'm the king of planet fitness! me! ain't nobody in this bitch gonna tell me how to live! and if you try, you getting smoked just like this old fool!

5 M I N U T E S L A T E R

manager: sir we're going to have to ask you to leave.

yoongi: me and my homie seulgi just parked our slab outside. we're looking for somewhere to post up our black asses for the night, so uh, bang bang skeet skeet nigga, let me stay in this crib or nah?

manager: ...

manager: [ to security ] please escort him out of the building.

yoongi: [ yelling as he is lifted out of the building ] just a couple of pimps, no hoes. nah'm saying? we dem boyz!

[ [ seulgi awaits him in the parking lot ] ]

yoongi: bae, look this wasn't my fault!

seulgi: wasn't your fault? maybe if you weren't so--

[ [ yoongi's phone rings ] ]

yoongi: sorry gotta take this.

- on the phone: hoseok -

hoseok: hey, yoongi, big favor. can you pick taejoon up from school and keep him until about... say, 8:30? chaeun and i are both busy with work and his aunt is away on vacation.

yoongi: um, yeah i guess. what school does he go to?

hoseok: lmao, i don't fuckin' know.

yoongi: how you don't know where your kid goes to school?

hoseok: lmao....i don't fuckin' know.

hoseok: if it helps, it's close to the kimbap heaven restaurant.

yoongi: on gosanjoro street?

hoseok: ye. that one.

yoongi: alright i'll get him.

yoongi: damn, now i'm in the mood for some--

seulgi: [ snatches phone ] he has to go now, hoseok! bye! [ hangs up ]

seulgi: you damn fool, i knew you would do something like this! now our membership to the gym is suspended for a month with pay, all because you don't know how to act! how am i supposed to keep my ass round and fat if i don't have a place to work out!

seulgi: i'm so angry right now, and you're just looking back at me like i'm speaking fucking portuguese! what do you have to say for yourself?!

yoongi: i happen to think your brows look very fleeky today. [ smiles ]

seulgi: [ looks at his pants ]

seulgi: [ pulls them all the way down to his ankles, gets in driver's seat of car and begins driving ]

yoongi: oh my god seulgi, nooo! wait up! [ running ]

yoongi: [ trips over the shorts around his ankles and scrapes knee ]

★ ★ ★ ★

yoongi: and that's how i got these scars.

taejoon: [ giggling ] you're very funny, yoongi ahjussi!

[ [ doorbell rings ] ]

taejoon: who's that?

yoongi: i don't know...

[ [ yoongi goes to answer the door. when he opens it, team rocket's theme music starts playing ] ]

jimin: [ turns around ] prepare for trouble

taehyung: [ strikes a pose ] and make it double!

jimin: to protect the world from devastation!

taehyung: to unite all peoples within our nation!

jimin: to denounce the evils of truth and love!

taehyung: to extend our reach to the stars above!

jimin: introducing jimin!

taehyung: and taehyung!

jimin: team rocket will blast off at the speed of light,

taehyung: so now prepare to f--

yoongi: [ coughs ] that's great and everything y'all, but why exactly are you two here?

taehyung: really. you're just gonna cut off my grand finale like that. really.

jimin: we came for sunday night poker, of course!

yoongi: we playing for cash or fun?

jimin: yoongi, you of all people should know that if it ain't about the money it ain't jack shit.

yoongi: tru tru tru. [ lets them in ]

[ [ the husbands all go to yoongi's rec room, and sit at the poker table. taehyung sets a six pack of beers on the table and yoongi opens one immediately. taejoon follows and pulls on the sleeve of yoongi's shirt until he stops drinking and looks at him. ] ]

taejoon: ahjussi, what's poker?

yoongi: a game with cards that you can play and win money.

taejoon: can i play?

taehyung: it's for adults only.

jimin: when you get older, you can play with us. [ pinches his cheeks ]

yoongi: [ shrugs ] i think we should let him.

taehyung: would hoseok really want his child to play this?

yoongi: maybe not, but what's there to lose? he doesn't have any money to bet, and chances are, he doesn't know what he's doing. he won't win anything.

taejoon: i wanna be on yoongi ahjussi's team!

taehyung: aw, how cute.

yoongi: my very own disciple. [ seats taejoon in his lap ]

jimin: well, he's fine by me, i guess. [ starts shuffling ]

taejoon: no!!!! i wanna shuffle them!

jimin: taejoon, it'd just be faster if i--

taejoon: [ lip starts quivering, buries face in yoongi's chest ]

taehyung: lord jesus christ he gon do it

yoongi: taejoon don't cry!!! this shirt is from yeezy's collection!!!

taejoon: [ starts to whine, tears form in eyes ]

jimin: unicorns!! rainbows!! stuffed animals!! oh my god don't cry!!

yoongi: young man you betta stop all that mess, i ain't playing around!

taejoon: [ cries ]

taehyung: what da fuck stop playin

taejoon: [ bawls ]

taehyung: wHAT DA FUCK STOP PLAYIN

yoongi: [ picks taejoon up and starts consoling him, looks at the husbands like "omg omg omg omg what the fuck do i do???? how do i turn it off??" ]

taejoon: [ screams ]

jimin: whY HE MAKING THAT NOISE THAT SOUND AIN'T RIGHt

taehyung: AHH!!

yoongi: giVE HIM THE CARDS PLEA SE

jimin: OKAY OKAY

taejoon: [ stops crying ] thank you, ahjussi!

taejoon: [ shuffles the shit out of the cards, hindu style, riffle, and overhand ]

jimin: dear god....i've been punk'd.

taehyung: he on some x games mode.

yoongi: yeah, and he on my team too, HAAAN!

taejoon: i did not play in a while so please excuse me, i will be a little bad at this.

yoongi: lil boy, how do you know how to play this game?

taejoon: [ doling out cards ] we play for scooby doo fruit snacks sometimes during snack time.

taehyung: there's a gambling ring at the boy's school, lord save them.

taejoon: forget those lil rugrats man! you better ask god to save that wallet of yours!

taehyung: ...

jimin: you heard big daddy tae.

jimin: better start praying.

jimin: [ sweats ]

1 H O U R L A T E R

taehyung: you know what, i forfeit! i forfeit!

yoongi: why? are you scared?

taehyung: yes, tf! he got three hundred sixty thousand won out of me in the past fifteen minutes alone! i'm done! i can't do this anymore! [ gathering things to leave ]

taejoon: [ puss in boots face ] don't leave, please.

taehyung: that puppy dog act don't work on me anymore. i'm going home.

yoongi: how can you resist a face like this, taehyungie?

yoongi and taejoon: [ aegyo as fuck ]

-TAEHYUNG-

"i don't know??? hmm it mighT have something to do with the fact that i lOST HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF WON TO A FIVE YEAR OLD??? I DON'T KNOW IT'S JUST A HUNCH, YOONGI."

--

taejoon: [ baby voice ] will you at least stay to watch me smoke this old fool one more time?

taehyung: [ sighs, sits down ]

taehyung: redeem us, park jimin.

jimin: okay..... [ looks at cards one last time, puts half of his earnings in the pile ]

taejoon: is that all?

jimin: yeah.

taejoon: tsk, tsk, tsk. i thought you were more confident than that, ahjussi. [ pushes all of his money forward ]

taehyung: [ eyes widen, puts hands over his open mouth ]

taehyung: [ turns to jimin with eyes widened and hands over mouth ]

yoongi: [ nervously ] hey kid, let's not get ahead of ourselves now. let's at least wait until we see our cards, then we can--

taejoon: [ puts hand up to yoongi ]

taejoon: [ smiles ]

[ [ slow mo of the lone bead of sweat traveling down the side of jimin's head. suspenseful music begins to play. camera trucks to a shot of jimin squinting, then taejoon squinting. but as the music reaches its climax, jimin smacks his cards down on the table face up ] ]

jimin: sIKE FOOL!! FULL HOUSE!! FOUR OF A KIND!! FOUR SPADES!!

taejoon: [ facepalms ] oh, man...

yoongi: it's alright, taejoon.

jimin: [ pulls the money in toward him, leans all up in team yoongi's faces ]

jimin: HOW YOU FEEL?

jimin: HAIR LONG [ flips hair ]

jimin: MONEY LONG [ throws money in yoongi's face ]

jimin & taehyung: ME AND BROKE SUCKERS WE DON'T GET ALONG

[ [ jimin shmoney's while taehyung makes it rain over his head ] ]

taejoon: jimin, you did a good job but... [ voice trails off into a murmur ]

taehyung: but what?

taejoon: [ flips cards over ]

yoongi: oh my god its a....

jimin: is that a r-royal f-f-f-f--

taejoon: yes, floyd mayweather, it's a seven of a kind

taejoon: royal flush.

taehyung: [ eyes widen, puts hands over his open mouth ]

jimin: so then...

taejoon: you owe me and ahjussi our one million won.

yoongi: SOMEBODY STOP HIM.

jimin: ...

jimin: [ sits down on ground ]

jimin: [ curls into ball ]

jimin: [ shrieks endlessly ]

[ cut to hoseok choreographing, in studio at hongdae ]

hoseok: [ showing steps ] so the move is one two three, lock, up up, apart, kick ... point drop, point drop.

sehun: like this?

hoseok: yeah like--

hoseok: [ stops conversation, puts hand to chest ]

hoseok: my jimin senses are tingling.

hoseok: something's not right.

+

jungkook wya did nayoung kill you yet

qotd: what's your favorite episode thus far? mine is this one lmao.

and do you prefer longer waits and longer episodes or shorter waits and shorter episodes. this chapter was long, it's 3000 words, but the pilot was just shy of 2000. what should i do?

au revoir.

- c y a n.