S 1 E 3 : " # E X P O S E D"

[ [ opening theme fades out. camera slowly pans down from ceiling to a sleeping hoseok sprawled across white sheets in his master bedroom. his five year old son, taejoon, is curled up beneath him. both wear matching buzz lightyear pajamas, but only the boy snores. all is peaceful in the jung household. ] ]

[ [ front door slams open downstairs. ] ]

seokjin: ho-ho~!!!!!!!!

seokjin: it's me~!!!!!!!!!!!

hoseok: [ eyes opening slowly ]

hoseok: what a lovely way to start the day.

[ [ cut to five minutes later in the kitchen area downstairs ] ]

hoseok: so [ folding hands ]

taejoon: [ mimics dad ] what brings you by, uncle jin?

- TAEJOON & HOSEOK -

t: "hi, i'm taejoon! i'm five years old and i like pussies! actually, i love pussies! especially fat pussies, fat pussies are so nice and soft and squishy."

h: "he means cats."

t: "yes, pussies are nice."

h: "this is my legacy."

--

seokjin: [ puts hands on hips ] i came to talk to your dad about grown up stuff. would you mind going to your room for a minute so we can talk?

taejoon: no, i do not.

taejoon: [ naruto runs out of the room ]

hoseok: anyway, what are you here for? it's only ten in the morning. [ playfully pushes seokjin away ] get out of my house. leave.

seokjin: [ laughs ] oh, you know. just here to share a morning cup of tea with my best friend. [ shrugs off coat, hanging it up in the closet ]

hoseok: i thought you said your best friend was yourself.

seokjin: [ rolls eyes, sitting down on a barstool in the kitchen ] okay, second best friend.

hoseok: well, we don't drink a lot of tea in this house [ searches cabinets ] but chaeun might have some leftover vanilla chai if you want that.

seokjin: i'm not here for vanilla chai, idiot. i'm here to talk shit!

hoseok: oh, that! well, who do you want to talk about?

seokjin: namjoon or yoongi. take your pick.

hoseok: i mean, i like yoongi so i guess we can do nam--

seokjin: okay then, we'll talk about yoongi's messy ass first. he looks trashy, that one, getting drunk on the first night. a literal trash can. a garbage truck from daegu.

hoseok: i mean, he was just having fun.

seokjin: but there's a boundary.

hoseok: okay but he was fuckin' lit on the dancefloor.

seokjin: he danced?

hoseok: yes,

hoseok: yes he did.

- YOONGI -

pd: "suga, do you have any memory of the pilot episode at PYRAMID?"

y: "all remember is starting a high five train with the ladies' bathroom line and a few people telling me to finish their drinks. after that it gets kinda fuzzy." [ rubbing eyes ]

pd: "really? because jungkook said you started to [ reads off paper ] try to throw that ass back for hobi."

y: "..."

pd: "is that true?"

y: "..."

y: [ gets up and walks off set ]

--

hoseok: you wouldn't know that though since you left early.

seokjin: and? i was getting sick of everybody. so i left.

hoseok: [ scoffs ] um, i'm standing right here.

seokjin: yes bitch and i'm sitting right here, since we're now stating the obvious. you know good and well that when i said everyone, you were included right along with jimmy neutron, taekwondo, yam june and glucose.

hoseok: what about jungkook?

seokjin: what about him?

hoseok: he doesn't annoy you?

seokjin: no, actually he's very nice. he doesn't get on my nerves like the rest of you. i like him.

hoseok: [ eye twitches ] mhm. what a nice boy.

seokjin: but yoongi is definitely daegu trash. and why is his smile so gummy? he complains too much, too. he's got a lot of mouth for someone who doesn't do anything other than sleep, eat and make shitty music.

hoseok: what about yam june?

seokjin: what about him?

hoseok: don't "what about him?" me, kim seokjin. i saw all the stories on pikicast. what happened?

seokjin: don't bring that ugly ass plantain head ass into things when i'm in a good mood. i don't even want to see him.

hoseok: oh um.

hoseok: i actually invited him over to watch the game with us and the guys this afternoon.

seokjin: you WHAT?

hoseok: i said i--

seokjin: NO I HEARD YOU I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE YOU.

hoseok: I INVITED HIM THE DAY BEFORE WE WENT TO PYRAMID HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOU GUYS WOULD BE ARCH NEMESES ALREADY.

seokjin: i can't believe you did this to me.....

hoseok: [ sighs ] well can you at least do us all a favor and not be petty for tonight?

seokjin: [ narrowing eyes sarcastically ] sure i can.

hoseok: and please, i know i'm fake but let's keep this conversation between us. i don't want any drama with the other husbands, so please don't drag my name into things if you want to fight someone. because i've known you since college, and you've always had a big mouth. keep it shut tonight for the sake of the peace.

seokjin: i promise.

[ [ camera pans to taejoon, who has been listening to the conversation from the upstairs balcony ] ]

8 H O U R S L A T E R

jungkook: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

taehyung: [ confused ] what happened? did they get a touchdown?

jimin: you idiot, we're watching football, not american football.

jungkook: -.... OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

taehyung: why do americans call it football if their foots don't touch the ball?

namjoon: americans do a lot of weird and inexplicable shit.

namjoon: for example, let donald trump run for president.

namjoon: you know, if he replaces obama in office i guess you could say,

jimin: here he go again with that bs.

namjoon: that orange is the new black.

taehyung: i don't get it.

jimin: get out of my house, pink boy.

hoseok: this is my house bitch your name is nowhere on the deed.

jimin: oh shit truuu.

taehyung: someone answer my question!

jungkook: -.... OOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLL!!!!!!!!!

hoseok: thank you lord jesus for shutting this hoe up.

jimin: [ to taehyung ] i think they call it football because the ball is shaped like a foot.

yoongi: no, it's because the fields are measured in feets.

namjoon: you sure are one dumb motherfucker.

yoongi: damn, you fuckin' right bitch.

taehyung: [ activating siri ] siri, why football is called football?

siri: hold on, big daddy tae.

hoseok: ...

jimin: ...

jungkook: ...

yoongi: ...

seokjin: ... i

siri: here's what i found on the internet for "why is football called football?"

taehyung: this really shouldn't be surprising to any of you at this point.

yoongi: it's not. we're just wondering how an idiot like you managed to pull a bombshell like jangmi.

- TAEHYUNG -

"you know what, yoongi? i wonder the same thing all the time. i think it's because she mistakes my stupidity for a sense of humor. but i'm not complaining. jangmi is so pretty and nice and she's wise too, so her intelligence makes up for me being dumb just like her big boobs make up for me not having any. because in any relationship, it's all about the equilibrium.

also i love her boobs."

--

taejoon: [ coming down the stairs ] did someone call big daddy tae?

hoseok: [ waves finger at taejoon ] no. no.

taejoon: but daddy!

hoseok: no. nope. uh-uh. take that ass right back up those stairs boy i ain't playing these games.

yoongi: oh come on, hoseok. he can hang with us for a while. [ puts taejoon on lap ]

taejoon: [ smiles ] daddy, i like this one.

yoongi: aw, he's so cute! what's your name, little one?

taejoon: they call me yung tae on the streets.

hoseok: that's my boy.

taejoon: but you can call me taejoon. jung taejoon.

yoongi: aish, this rascal.

yoongi: and how old are you taejoon?

taejoon: i am five! [ holds up six fingers ]

jimin: this could actuallly be taehyung's son now that i think about it. [ laughs, leaning over to put the sixth finger down ]

taejoon: [ to yoongi ] what's your name?

yoongi: me? i'm yoongi ahjussi.

taejoon: yoongi? [ turns to seokjin ] isn't that the one who you said that he was messy because he drinks a lot?

jimin: well, taejoon it seems to be getting late, isn't it time for you to go to bed?

taejoon: and you said he was a trash, too, right uncle? no, wait, you said he was a daegu garbage truck!

jimin: look, we'll even read you a bedtime story. don't you want jimin ahjussi to read you a bedtime story??? [ picks him up, going toward the stairs ]

taejoon: and which one of you is yam j--

jimin: [ speed walking, hand over taejoon's mouth ] a bedtime story :))))

jungkook: [ mouth says nothing, but his eyes say "hoseok your child is fucking savage" ]

hoseok: listen, that's chaeun's son, not mine.

namjoon: KIDS!!! AMIRITE GUYS!!

yoongi: i'm.... messy?

seokjin: [ unfazed ] yes, that is correct. next question.

yoongi: and i'm a garbage truck?

seokjin: yes.

yoongi: .... from daegu?

seokjin: if the shoes fits then lace that bitch up and tie it.

yoongi: okay. [ gets up from couch, rubbing hands on jeans ]

hoseok: yoongi wyd.

yoongi: [ to crew behind the cameras ] pass me a mic, please?

hoseok: yooNGI WYD.

jungkook: WORLDSTAR

yoongi: [ turns on mic ]

yoongi: so i hear that i'm trashy,

jungkook: hoe don't do it.

yoongi: but @seokjin

jungkook: oh my god.

yoongi: you gon' feel me tonight.

yoongi: you and every mother fucker in this joint!

[ [ remix airhorn sound effects ] ]

yoongi: i'm trash, but at least i have enough pride in myself not to promote my brand every time i get the chance! you talk about how pretty you are all day long, but really, your lips look like two sausages on their wurst behavior. you say your body is summer ready, but your stomach shows no trace of abs. you're flatter than an eleven year old girl. forget washboard abs, he's a damn ironing board.

jungkook: y i k e s!!!!!

namjoon: [ sweating ]

hoseok: i knew i should have adopted instead.

yoongi: when childish gambino asked, "are you eating though?" he clearly wasn't asking about you, because all you do is stuff your face. and your back's too long man, like what? we aren't gonna need to fly coach anymore guys! we can just fly AirSeokjin, witcha long ass back. free wifi and tons of leg room with no added cost. oh oh oh, what's that? [ points to ceiling ] what's that up there? a bird? a plane? no it's just seokjin's lanky ass. zip zip zoom hoe.

jimin: [ rushing back down the stairs from taejoon's room ] damn, he might as well have set you on fire!

yoongi: nah nah nah you zip your lips, park jimin. don't think i forgot about you and your sahara ass dick. i don't wanna hear any words out of your mouth unless it's "she let me hit". which means i shouldn't hear a word from you til the day i die.

jimin: [ is shot by yoongi's words, tumbles down the stairs with a cry for help ]

jungkook: [ feigns calling 119, cackling and rolling on the floor ] hello please mr. policemen come revive jimin he is dead.

taehyung: [ explodes with laughter ]

yoongi: oh, you want some too?

taehyung: ..... turn up?

yoongi: 'cause i heard that you wished i died and didn't even visit me in the hospital to make sure i was alright. you thought i didn't hear you when you paid your "condolences" over the phone? guess what though; i did. yoongi hears all. and yoongi thinks that you're an under-educated bottle blond, who lets his wife wear the pants in the relationship and has a daddy kink as a result because that's the only way he can feel like he has a little power of his own, even if it's only for two minutes.

hoseok: yoongi, diss hajima.

yoongi: [ pauses ]

yoongi: [ drops mic, walking toward front door to leave ]

taehyung: ...

jungkook: [ tears roll out of eyes while silently clapping like a crazed seal ]

jimin: ...

seokjin: ...

namjoon: [ loudly exhales in relief ]

yoongi: [ teleports back to mic ] so i see you're trying to get dragged for the second time this week, namjoon.

jungkook: [ dj khaled voice ] another one!

namjoon: what??? no!!! please don't do this i have a wife i need to support!

yoongi: eunmi don't need you, you dumbass. you need her. she's the only one making big bucks. you're just a socialite who apparently has a fashion line? what's it called?

namjoon: it's call--

yoongi: i don't give a shit i don't give a fuck!

jungkook: [ reaches up and touches yoongi's calf from his spot on the ground, instantly retracts hand with a hiss ] oh shit! he's sizzling hot y'all!!!!!

yoongi: jeon jungkook.

jungkook: [ is fear ]

yoongi: [ trying to still sound hard ] actually, i think you and hobi are adorable and you don't annoy me. i love you fam. you loyal. you smart. i appreciate that.

jungkook: thank you hyung for my life.

hoseok: yeah, thanks min satan.

yoongi: and as for you,

[ turns to seokjin ]

yoongi: you're gonna look like jimin's ass in another couple years bro, fat and round. i can already see it in ya cheeks, they've been looking a lil chubby lately but i didn't wanna say shit since i didn't want to start anything. but now i realize i don't have to hold back. so fuck-a
you, and your grandma too bitch what the fuck is up?

jimin: [ crawling over to a seemingly paralyzed seokjin ] hey, are you okay? are you alright?

seokjin: ....

jungkook: oh my gosh, are those tears in his eyes?

seokjin: [ sniffles, smiling ]

seokjin: min yoongi,

seokjin: [ voice cracks ] from now on i want you to call me jin.

+

raise your hand if you identify with taejoon's level of petty on a spiritual level!!!!!

also, this roast session was brought to you by that one time that someone tried to say some slick shit about my outfit. so yeah. this was inspired by something i actually said oh well. and so #yoonjin sails lmao.

you're going to tune in for episode 4, yeah?

- c y a n