S 1 E 2 : "S A V A G E "

[ [ opening theme music fades out. several vignettes of seoul nightlife flash across the screen, which reads the current location and time: "hongdae, seoul • 2:27 a.m." ] ]

[ [ cut to hoseok at PYRAMID. his face is somewhat pallid under the dimmed white lighting of the club, as are the other two husbands' -- excluding a groaning namjoon who is still sprawled out among the shattered glass of the coffee table. ] ]

hoseok: [ looking at namjoon ] god jesus christ now we gon have to take two fools to the hospital tonight.

taehyung: no, you have two fools to take to the hospital tonight. my ass did nothing wrong. i didn't tell pink boy here to bust his ass on the coffee table, and i most definitely didn't tell yoongi to get piss drunk tonight. [ grabs jacket and martini glass, shoving breadsticks into purse ]

hoseok: neither did i. what's your point?

taehyung: i just met all of you like two months ago.

jimin: so?

taehyung: so i honestly couldn't care less whether yoongi died or not tonight.

jimin: TAEHYUNG.

taehyung: he's a tough cookie. he'll live.

hoseok: you are so rude.

taehyung: no, i'm sleepy. i'm going home to take a nap until the morning time,

taehyung: but i promise after that i'll go visit to make sure he didn't die. sound fair?

jimin: no it doesn't! yoongi could die tonight!

hoseok: alright well if you're going home, can you at least help us get namjoon into the ambulance before you go? the paramedics should still be getting yoongi onto a gurney so they're probably still parked out front.

taehyung: ....

taehyung: my mama said i gotta come home right now immediately.

hoseok: literally taehyung all you have to do is--

taehyung: gotta blast!

taehyung: [ blasts ]

jimin: [ scoffs ] he's just so rude.

hoseok: anyway, can you like help--

hoseok: jimin are you

hoseok: jimin are you crying?

jimin: look [ points a passing girl in leggings ]

hoseok: ok but--

jimin: [ weeping hysterically ]

jimin: it's just so much ass in one pair of pants. how's her ass not ripping the pants, hobi? how?

hoseok: bitch do i look like bill nye the science guy?

[ [ fade out to the next day. black and white glamour shots of the cheongdam district and its urban life cross the screen in sequence with a light house beat playing in the background. cut to seokjin and his wife, hana, preparing for their turn to walk the red carpet at the debut screening of the highly anticipated film, "anti-villains." ] ]

hana: yeobo, when we get out there, i don't want to hear the word "mizo" leave your mouth once. not once.

seokjin: why not?

hana: because it's embarrassing and it's all you ever talk about!

seokjin: lying is a sin, honey. [ laughs ]

hana: [ camera pans in on face ]

[ [ cut to flashback reel of seokjin. ] ]

hana: [ sitting on couch ] jinnie, can you get me a drink from the fridge?

seokjin: how about a mizo™ ?

| fade out |

hana: [ walking into the kitchen ] look at this blue hydrangea i just picked from the garden! i have no clue why it grew this color since the rest of the bush was pink, but i think it would make a lovely centerpiece on one the dinner table.

seokjin: [ back turned, washing dishes in the sink ] sorry, bae, but we have no vases.

seokjin: SIKE

[ camera zooms in on the water-filled bottle of mizo in his hands ]

flower: [ dies ]

| fade out |

seokjin: [ opens front door ]

kids: trick or treat!

seokjin: oh, look at all these cute little munchkins! [ squats down to a young boy dressed in all black with a star painted on his forehead ] and what are you dressed as?

boy: i am lord satan himself.

seokjin: [ internally screaming ]

seokjin: what do you want.... lord... satan? haha.

boy: your soul.

seokjin: .............. well, i can't give you that since i already sold it to be pretty, but you guys are in luck! i give the best treats in the neighborhood!

boy #2: really??

seokjin: yeah!

seokjin: [ grabs candy bowl filled with mizo™ moscato bottles from side table, begins putting one into each of the kids' bags. ]

father: ... um, is that beer?

seokjin: no, sir, i would never! it's moscato!

father: but these are children.

seokjin: don't worry, i took precautions.

boy #3: daddy, why does the bottle say "open when 18"?

father: [ to seokjin ] ?????

seokjin: [ smiling ]

seokjin: by the way, best served chilled.

[ [ cut back to present day ] ]

seokjin: anyway, it's our turn now.

hana: [ sighing ] promise you won't say it?

seokjin: i promise.

[ [ both walk onto the carpet hand in hand. ] ]

pap #1: hana, you look stellar! what are you wearing?

hana: i'm actually wearing--

seokjin: i'm wearing chanel's fall/winter menswear collection in mizo moscato bottle blue.

hana: [ internally ] i'm going to file for fucking divorce :)

seokjin: [ posing ] make sure you guys get my good side or i'll see you in court!

paparazzis: [ laugh ]

- SEOKJIN -

"see, they think i'm joking, but i'm not. i have receipts on them."

[ dramatically pulls out paper and horn framed givenchy s/s '15 reading glasses with gold tips, clears throat ]

"the name of the first photographer was ki jaebum, who works independently. and he most definitely did not get my good side. i refuse to be the next poot lovato. so @jaebum, i'm suing for 1 million won on account of false advertisement. i did not look bad that day, but he made it seem that way and that is unjust and unlawful.

hope you didn't make plans for january 27th, boo."

--

[ [ hana and seokjin walk away from the photographers. hana is cold, so seokjin drapes his jacket over her shoulders whilst walking. the crowd coos. they stop at an available interviewer, who greets them politely and jumps straight into questioning. the man is tall and young, wearing a white dress shirt and slate grey pants. ] ]

interviewer: so, jin -- wait, can i call you that?

seokjin: [ laughing ] it's seokjin to you.

interviewer: you're quite the jokester!

hana: he's not joking.

interviewer: ...

interviewer: anyway, we hear you're in the process of recording a new reality tv show called "real husbands of seoul" and we're dying to know; what's it like living in front of the camera?

seokjin: well, i mean, i'm an actor. it's not much different from work, except everything is real. what you see on this show, that's the real me. nothing is scripted.

hana: and be warned, he's quite the diva.

interviewer: i see, i see. and you're here to support your castmate, kim namjoon and his wife, i'm guessing?

seokjin: who?

hana: stop being petty. he's right over there. [ points further down the carpet, where namjoon and his wife are also being interviewed ]

interviewer: yeah, and his wife is the leading lady of "anti-villains".

hana: wow, she's gorgeous.

seokjin: hey now, hey now. you married me, not her. eyes on me. [ turns her head to him ]

hana: hey, namjoon's suit looks kinda like the one you're wearing!

hana: [ narrowing eyes ] it's even the same shade of mizo moscato bottle blue....

hana: [ sweats ] oh boy.

seokjin: ...

seokjin: hold my earrings.

[ [ cut to hana and namjoon's wife, eunmi, twenty minutes later sitting at a rounded white linen dinner table with several other guests. hana and eunmi exchange light, inaudible conversation while their husbands venture off toward the bar. the premiere is about to begin. ] ]

eunmi: i didn't know you were married to kim seokjin??

hana: ... yeah, we've been married for like three years. you didn't know? [ flashes wedding ring ]

eunmi: i mean, i did but i can't believe it. how did a regular girl like you pull a star like him? no offense.

hana: haha, none taken.

eunmi: honey, i only said that to be courteous.

hana: [ sips her champagne with a stank look ]

eunmi: namjoon and seokjin look like a dynamic duo though, don't you think? [ looking across the room at the husbands ] their suits match and they seem to be getting along very well. it won't be long before namjoon is inviting him over for drinks and poker with the guys.

hana: i hope so.

eunmi: why do you say that?

hana: seokjin can be a little,

hana: how do you say,

hana: spiteful.

[ [ cut to seokjin and namjoon across the room, getting drinks from the bar ] ]

namjoon: [ laughs sarcastically ] i love your suit.

seokjin: i love my suit too. that's why i'm wearing it, bitch.

namjoon: [ rolls eyes ] please, yours isn't even accessorized correctly.

seokjin: hoe, i know you're not talking when you look like a fucking glass of burnt eggplant juice with that ugly purple hat of yours, pharrell. and just the other day you came to the club looking like a reject minion. don't come for me. don't do it.

namjoon: i'm just saying, man. you could have done better. your hair's uneven. you look like a kung fu movie drug lord with those glasses, your smokey looks like a car exhaust eye, your eyebrows weren't filled in correctly, and your moscato line isn't even all that.

namjoon: it

namjoon: tastes like

namjoon: hot

namjoon: ass.

seokjin: [ sipping on his mizo ]

seokjin: hot ass, hm?

seokjin: [ throws drink in namjoons's face ]

seokjin: still taste like hot ass to you? :)

everyone in the room: [ !!!!! ]

namjoon: hold me back, eunmi!

eunmi: [ is hold ]

seokjin: you ain't gonna do shit!

hana: [ nervously grabbing seokjin's arm ] um, it's getting a little late i think we should go home now!!!!! seokjin come on time to go!!!!

seokjin: [ while being pulled away by hana ] that's right, you mixxy ass bitch! don't be mad because my moscato line sells more than any of your clothing line! what's the name of your clothing line, namjoon? we don't know!

everyone in the room: ....

eunmi: damn he right bae.

namjoon: eunmi!

seokjin: [ out of sight, voice still echoing from down the hall ] ya damn skippy i'm right, eunmi! i told you not to try me, namjoon, i told you not to do that! i told you not to do that! i told you not to do that! i told you not to do that! i told you not to do that! i told you not to do that! i told you not to

REAL HUSBANDS OF SEOUL WILL BE BACK AFTER A BRIEF MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSORS:

"I GO MIZO. WILL YOU?"

[ [ meanwhile, at the hospital ] ]

yoongi: [ sleeps unproblematically in hospital bed ]

jungkook: not even one episode in and god already voted someone off the island.

jungkook: why jesus

hoseok: it's a shame honestly.

jimin: he was lit last night tho.

jimin: but it's a shame.

taehyung: [ over hoseok's phone speaker ] sí, ¡que lastima!

jungkook: what does that mean?

hoseok: it means "i'm-a-fake-friend-who-wishes-death-upon-people-and-tries-to-visit-them-over-the-phone" in spanish.

taehyung: i may be fake, but that makes me ten percent real for admitting that i am.

jungkook: [ taking phone from hoseok ] sounds exactly something what a one-hundred percent fake person would say.

taehyung: i mean, i was tired and grumpy and buzzed. can you really blame me for wanting to go home?

hoseok: yes

jungkook: yes

jimin: sí

taehyung: that's understandable.

taehyung: but i really can't make it right now, i'm doing something important.

jimin: such as?

taehyung: i'm helping namjoon approve textile prints for his clothing line while he goes to his eunmi's premiere event. i hope he's having fun.

hoseok: [ furrowing brows ] namjoon has a fashion line?

jimin: stop lying tae.

jungkook: tae you lyin.

taehyung: i'm not lying.

hoseok: he ain't lyin y'all.

jungkook: [ laughing, taking phone from hoseok ] what's it called? "filet minion"? or wait, is it "one in a minion"?

jimin: JUNGKOOK. [ wheezing ]

taehyung: this is the part where my soul leaves my body.

hoseok: [ side eyes jungkook ]

- HOSEOK -

"jungkook thinks he's so funny, and cute, and golden. and he is. that's the problem. i'm trying to be fan favorite, i have to be fan favorite because he's everyone else's favorite! and he makes it so hard to succeed. i just... i just want to smack that endless grin off his ol' chicken head ass. but he's got another thing coming if he thinks he can outdo this!

[ viciously and aggressively does aegyo ]

"fuck you, jungkook!"

--

taehyung: honestly though, i can't even remember the name.

taehyung:  i cancelled on him last week already, can't cancel twice. he wants my help since i have the best fashion sense out of all of us.

jungkook: SIKE

taehyung: why would you say that.

hoseok: 'cause you's a liar.

jimin: mmmmMMMOHMYGOD

taehyung: to be fair though, we're all pathological liars.

jungkook: but we're not fake.

taehyung: wow.

jimin: [ excitedly jumps out of chair ] guys look, yoongi's waking up!

yoongi: [ groaning, struggling to open his eyes ]

jimin: say something, yoongi!

yoongi: ...... i-i.....

jungkook: oh my god hyung, what is it?

yoongi: .... i.....

yoongi: I AIN'T GET NO SLEEP 'CAUSE OF Y'ALL. Y'ALL AIN'T GON GET NO SLEEP 'CAUSE OF ME.

+

this book is what happens when you let me write past 12 am. hope you enjoyed this episode tho bc i wasn't gonna publish today but i was feeling froggy so bitch i leapt.

also, the song in the media is the "theme song" for the show.

xx

- c y a n