S 1 E 1 4 : " B L O O P B I T C H ! "

[[ namjoon, yoongi, jungkook, and hoseok have all been waiting in the waiting area of the police station, where they have been for the past twenty minutes. it is tense, and only the background noise of the workers of the office fills the space between them. suddenly, namjoon perks up with a smile. ]]

namjoon: you know what you guys

all: [ look at namjoon ]

namjoon: i think we should all just listen to some calming music,,,

namjoon: and chill out

yoongi: [ still high as shit ] no music

yoongi: [ claps 4x ]

yoongi: ...

namjoon: ight

yoongi: [ becoming visibly more excited ] nO MUSIC!

yoongi: [ claps 4x !!!! ]

jungkook: namjoon i kinda already have a headache from all this drama with jimin and taehyung [ while ignoring yoongi getting lit by himself in the background ]

hoseok: [ rubbing temples, while ignoring jungkook as jungkook ignores yoongi getting lit by himself in the background ] yes please namjoon some music would be nice

jungkook: didn't i just say--

hoseok: overruled. [ slams gavel ]

jungkook: we're not in court what the f--

namjoon: [ while ignoring yoongi reciting the "law and order svu" opening ] ight bet!

namjoon: [ presses play ]

phone: let the bodies hit the floor ♪
phone: let the bodies hit the floor ♪

phone: let the bodies hit the ♪

jungkook: FLOOOOOOOOOOOR

phone: [ heavy metal guitar solo ]

jungkook: [ headbanging ]

namjoon: [ pauses the song ]

jungkook: [ realizes the song is paused ]

jungkook:

namjoon: i

namjoon: i was joking what the fuck

namjoon: [ weirded out, presses play ]

phone: oh ohh ♪

phone: i wanna fl-y-y baby fly-y-y with you ♪

phone: wey-o ♪

jungkook: ... i-ight.

yoongi: [ over "fly" in the background, looking at jungkook ] ok... well now we know who not to give the in bill uncle cord to

[[ all turn to yoongi ]]

namjoon: i think you mean the umbilical cord dumbass

jungkook: you mean the august hillary cord, dumbass?

hoseok: [ smacks jungkook upside the head ] yOU MEAN THE AUXILIARY CORD DUMBASS?

hoseok: fucking jungkook man.

jungkook: what did i do that namjoon didn't?!

hoseok: [ shaking head agitatedly ] ... fucking jungkook.

hoseok: [ mocks ] what did i do?!-- [ fake stomps in his face like he's about to fight ] fucking idiot.

namjoon & yoongi:

hoseok: [ sighs ] just wanted to have a cute vacation, now i have to bail these kids out of jail-- i have to do fUCKING EVERYTHING BY MYSELF

[[ cut to flashback ]]

[[ hoseok walks into his home, struggling, with approximately nine grocery bags hung around his arms and neck ]]

chaeun: [ enters foyer ] can i take some of those for you--?

hoseok: [ mocks ] can i take some of those for you--? [ fake stomps in her face like he's about to fight ] fucking idiot.

[[ end of flashback ]]

hoseok: [ gets up, repeatedly and dramatically pointing to his chest ] ALL MY LIFE, ME, BY MYSELF, ALONE, JUST HOBI, EVERYDAY

hoseok: N O ONE HELPS ME WITH MOTHER EVERYTGHING FUCKING

jungkook: hyung you didn't put the curse word in the right--

hoseok: ohHHH MY FUCKING GOD JUNGKOOK SHUT UP

jungkook: [ tears up, trying to hold it back ]

hoseok: [ laughs ] omg wait are you crying?

jungkook: [ wiping tears away ] no

hoseok: aww

hoseok: [ takes out phone, starts recording jungkook crying ]

jungkook: LEAVE ME [ kanyes the camera ]

hoseok: [ cackling ] aww the little bitch is crying

jungkook: I'M NOT A LITTLE BITCH HOBI HYUNG

hoseok: [ taunting ] aha, haha, little bitch, little bitch, little bitch!

jungkook: STOP IT

hoseok & jungkook:

namjoon: ASSUME THE POSITION

namjoon: [ koalas jungkook's leg ]

yoongi: [ koalas the other leg ]

yoongi:

namjoon:

jungkook: [ sobbing ]

[[ jungkook's mass waterfall of tears begins to trickle down and rain over the prince juankook of colombia protection squad ]]

namjoon: [ while soaking wet, pouting ] do not yell at jungkook!

hoseok: [ incredulous ]

hoseok: who you talking to?

namjoon: i'm taLKING TO THE ONLY OTHE--

hoseok: [ "so you tryna #catch these #hands" ]

namjoon: [ sweats ]

namjoon: [ newscaster voice ] now back to yoongi at the scene. yoongi.

yoongi: [ newscaster voice, holding earpiece ] breaking news: it's fucking lit namjoon

yoongi: [ whispers into namjoon's ear ]

namjoon: [ reciting what yoongi is saying ] and by the way hoseok, there's only four people in the room. namjoon wasn't raising his voice to jungkook, and he most definitely wasn't raising it to me, so take a guess.

yoongi: [ whispers ]

namjoon: [ reciting ] take a wild guess.

hoseok: yoongi i ain't playin these games

yoongi: [ whispers into namjoon's ear ]

namjoon: [ reciting ] oh word?

hoseok: say something slick again

yoongi: [ whispers into namjoon's ear ]

namjoon: [ reciting ] something slick again. next.

hoseok: i'm so tired of fucking yelling at you and wasting my breath!

namjoon: [ snaps ] THEN SHUT UP OR DIE

namjoon: ... SHIT

hoseok: EXCU--

namjoon: AND HURRY UP AND PICK BEFORE I GET A FUCKIN HEADACHE

hoseok: yOU get a headache? i think you meAN BEFORE I!!! GET A HEADACHE

namjoon:

namjoon: FUCKING SITTING HERE ACTING LIKE NO ONE IS MORE STRESSED THAN YOU WE ALL STRESSED HO

hoseok:
that's my oPINION

yoongi: [ minding own business, deep breath in ]

yoongi: the FitnessGram™ pacer test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. the 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. line up at the start. the running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal.

yoongi: [ beeps ]

namjoon: LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID TO JUNGKOOK

hoseok: I AINT DO SHIT TO HIM,, OK HUNTY

hoseok: JUNGKOOK YOU'RE JUST PUSSY RIGHT?

jungkook: [ sobbing ] I'm NO T PusSY

hoseok: SEE? HE'S JUST PUSSY

yoongi: a single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound.

yoongi: [ ding ]

yoongi: remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. the second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. the test will begin on the word start. on your mark, get ready, start.

hoseok: alright LISTEN TO ME ROACH AND RAT

[[ yoonjoon is alarmed ]]

yoongi & namjoon, internally: wait so am i the roach or is he the roach?

hoseok: i'mma give you three seconds

hoseok: to stop trying me

hoseok: or me gon dice up ya bloodclaat face

hoseok: like pineapples

hoseok: wha dem sell at walmart

hoseok: for 3.99

hoseok: in de blasted can

hoseok: and i know how much it cost

hoseok: because me eat it all de time

hoseok: and me eat it all de time

hoseok: because my cum taste like pineapple

hoseok: when me eat it all de time!

hoseok: and chaeun like when it taste like pineapple

hoseok: bECAUSE SHE EAT IT ALL DE TIME

hoseok: so stop ya noise!

hoseok: [ fuming in silence ]

yoongi: [ slowly leans over to namjoon without breaking eye contact with hoseok ]

yoongi:

yoongi: yo did hoseok say to eat the booty like groceries or am i just that faded

namjoon: chigga oh my god

yoongi: i need to call the weedman and ask him wassup because he got that good good

namjoon: YOU CAN'T CALL THE--!

namjoon: [ lowers voice, stress whispering ]

namjoon: you can't call the weedman, i think weed is illegal here bro.

namjoon: [ runs hand down face ] yoongi,,, how much did you buy?

yoongi: idk like half a pound

namjoon: yoU BOUGHT HALF A POUND OF

every police officer in thailand: 👀

namjoon: [ realizes where he is ]

hoseok: [ bitch ]

namjoon: OF FROSTED FLAKES??

yoongi: no i bought WEE-- [ suddenly splashed from above ]

[[ yoongi and namjoon look up at jungkook who is still crying although even he himself is not quite sure why he has so little control over his emotional stability. ]]

yoongi: [ soaked ] yO BOY IMMA NEED YOU TO CHILL WITH THE WATERWORKS B, DEADASS, BECAUSE--

namjoon: [ shoves his shoulder ] yoongi!

yoongi: yes lamp spoon?

hoseok: [ internally ] #yikes

namjoon: you know jungkook doesn't work good under pressure!

yoongi: oh shit truuu

yoongi: [ strokes jungkook's calves ] it's gonna be okay yoongi

namjoon: but yoongi,,, you're yoongi,,,

yoongi: [ laughs ]

yoongi: yo boy i'm bout to let you in on a lil secret

yoongi: [ leans in ]

yoongi:

namjoon: [ sighs in defeat, dropping his head on jungkook's leg ] the lord beckons me to give into the light

yoongi: [ deep breath in ]

yoongi: [ BITE THE CALF ]

jungkook's calf:

hoseok: I AM SO

hoseok: you know what fuck this i guess i'll just have to find someone to speak to myself because you three are so useless

hoseok: [ apologetically ] and i feel kinda bad i been a bitch lately it's just

hoseok: y'all are so fucking annoying

hoseok: [ pats jungkook's shoulder reassuringly, small smile ] especially you. i always mean to be a bitch when it's you.

hoseok: but as for the rest of you, i don't mean it

hoseok: so just stay put while i speak to these,,,, lovely,, police officers and sort things out with jimin and tae, okay?

namjoon: awwhh was that an apology?

hoseok: B ITHC DID YOU HEAR ME SAY THE WORD SORRY EVER IN THOSE SENTENCES. YALL ALWYASW TRYNA MAKE MY BLOOD PRES SSURE GO UP MAN FUCK

hoseok: [ storms off with purse and squeaky flip flops ]

namjoon:

jungkook:

hoseok: [ storms back over, sifting through purse ] wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute where's my money? whERES MY MONEY?

namjoon: yoongi spent it all on weed

yoongi: damn it must be "throw yoongi under the bus" day huh

hoseok: [ to yoongi ] YOU FUCKING RAT

namjoon: aHA so I AM THE ROACH

namjoon: ... wait

hoseok: I DIDNT BRIGN MY CREDIT CARDS,,, I DIDNT BRING MY DEBIT CARDS,, aND THAT MONEY WAS ALL I HAD

hoseok: I BROUGHT ABOUT THREE MILLION WON IN POCKET MONEY ON THIS TRIP AND STOOD ON THAT LONG ASS CURRENCY EXCHANGE LINE AT THE AIRPORT FOR YOU TO BUY W--

namjoon: FROSTED FLAKES. THEY'RREEE GREAT!

yoongi: you didn't bring your black card either? damn hoseok are u dumb?

hoseok: HOSEOK DIDN'T BRING HIS CARDS BECAUSE HOSEOK DIDNT THINK THE LOCAL BEACHSIDE BUSINESSES WOULD ACCEPT CARDS

hoseok: AND GUESS WHAT

yoongi: lmao chicken butt

hoseok: HOSEOK,, WAS RIGHT

hoseok: AND NOW HOSEOK AND NAMJOON AND YOONGI HAVE NO MONEY TO BAIL OUT THE GNOME AND THE BOTTLE BLONDE

jungkook: [ abruptly stops crying ] wait weed don't cost three million won tho

jungkook: yoongi where's the change

yoongi: before you start yelling, in my defense i thought i only took forty thousand won

yoongi: soooo i gave it to the weedman as a tip

hoseok: [ internally ] this is fine this is okay

hoseok: [ eye twitches ]

namjoon: and why did you tip the fuckin weedman???????? like???

yoongi: he gave me a free preview of the weed before he sold it to me, and, as you can tell i'mma be high as a mother fucker for the next seventy six hours or so believe me when i'm telling you that dank hit me like it was rick james bitch

yoongi: you know, i gave up weed for lent and, [ chuckles ] as you can tell i fuckin failed [ chill shrug ]

hoseok: fucking shit MIN YOONGI I AM GOING TO FUCKING TAKE YOUR SCALP AND YOU OUT OF THIS WORLD

yoongi: [ picking nails ] cool, what time we leavin?

yoongi: because my scalp already been in the afterlife i'm just waiting to link with my dead homie in the clouds because i SSWEAR TO GOSH AND HIS SON JEEPERS IF I HAVE TO DYE MY HAIR AGAIN

namjoon: [ grabs yoongi by the shoulders ] CHIGGA

namjoon: I DON'T HAVE MONEY, YOU DON'T HAVE MONEY, AND HOSEOK JUST GOT FINESSED BY YOU 

yoongi's brain: [ not listening ] xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiumin xiu-

namjoon: COLLECTIVELY, I'D SAY WE GOT ABOUT 0 BANDZ TO MAKE THESE POLICEMEN DANCE

namjoon: HOW??? ARE WE GOING TO BAIL JIMIN AND THE OTHER RAT OUT

voice, distantly: I HEARD THAT YOU FUCKING OVERSIZED FACTORY RECALL SALTINE CRACKER

[[ everyone looks around. it's not in the room. ]]

hoseok: was that fucking taehyung

jungkook: see? he hears all. told y'all his ears were that big.

yoongi: i guess they don't call him earmelo anthony for nada

taehyung, distantly: and they don't call jangmi no teef keef for nada either bro WASSUP

taehyung, distantly: oW!

jungkook: bishh what happen 👀📝

taehyung, distantly: jimin pinched me. he mad cause he ain't get any sloppy toppy from his-- o W

taehyung, distantly: hey, but you can bail us out right?

jungkook: [ looks at them all expectantly ]

hoseok: [ "and??" ]

namjoon: [ "see,,,, about that" ]

jungkook: [ points to namjoon and hoseok, whispers ] you a bitch and you a bitch. now what?

jungkook:

namjoon: wowww after i protected you from him [ points at hoseok ] you just gonna do me dirty like that?

hoseok: that's not my name. see, the way the @ feature works is that you have to actually say the name of the person you're trying to shade. maybe you can utilize it next time.

yoongi: [ blank, error 404: domain not found ]

yoongi's brain: say the name.

yoongi: [ internally ] why

yoongi's brain: hmmm no reason u jus gotta

yoongi: seventeeeeeeeeeeeeen.

[[ guitar riffs ]]

yoongi: OK well since we don't have any bail money can we get going?

jungkook: yoongi!

yoongi: [ checks watch ] today is the world premiere of suicide squad and there's a showing at the local cinema in twenty minutes idk guys maybe we should hit the road before we miss it

jungkook: YOONGI

jungkook: NO???

jungkook: we can't just leave our hyungs here.

hoseok: um, actually, those are YOUR hyungs. not mine. I'M older than them so you take care of them.

hoseok: i'm joking lmao i love those kids lowkey but i really have no clue what to do. any ideas?

namjoon: think... think...

namjoon:

yoongi: [ on phone ]

[[ the phone rings ]]

phone: the FitnessGram™ pacer test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. the 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. line up at the start. the running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal.

namjoon: yoongi get off the damn phone you're interrupting my brain blast!

yoongi: you fucking roach THERES A VAPOREON IN HERE

hoseok: YOONGI THIS ISN'T THE TIME [ snatches the phone ]

yoongi: [ baby gasp ]

yoongi: [ snatches the phone back, running off ] you know what fuck you all. have your little cumblast brain thing. i'll do whatever i want,, i'll be a fucking mazda if i want mAN FUCK

P R E C I S E L Y  8  M I N U T E S  L A T E R

yoongi: [ gets pushed into the holding cell ] HANDS OFF DA VERSACE HO

[[ cell door slams shut and police officer exits the room ]]

yoongi:

yoongi: [ stares at jimin and taehyung ]

jimin & taehyung: ...

yoongi: hey so i heard there was a vaporeon in here

jimin & taehyung: [ silent "no he didn't" looks ]

yoongi:

yoongi: [ vernon voice ] yeah so stop acting like you didn't hear me or

jimin: [ lays down on bench ] it's like i want to ask how

jimin: but i'm so tired i just can't bring myself to

taehyung: yoongi

taehyung: [ leaning head on wall, appearing as though he has lost his will to live ]

taehyung: [ sighs ] do we want to know

yoongi: i mean,,, long story short, a badge don't mean shit to a real g

jimin: yoongi you didn't actually... right?

yoongi:

taehyung: you ain't see that man's eyes, jimin? he's higher than the note in el dorado. and you know he's already wild as fuck even when the club ain't goin up on a tuesday.

jimin: actually, you're mad right

yoongi: [ on phone walking around in circles ]

taehyung: yoongi i thought the police officers confiscate people's phone when you get put in here

yoongi: i know. the rules don't apply to me tho.

taehyung: but how

yoongi: [ pacing ] a badge don't mean shit to a real g

jimin: yoongi, there's not a fucking vaporeon in here so stop loo-!

yoongi: shut up, the good the bald and the ugly

jimin: ight. noted.

yoongi: and taehyung you shut up too. you ain't really do nothing, you just gone too long without catching this roast.

taehyung:

yoongi: ok and

taehyung: [ sighs, pushes off wall ]

taehyung: [ cracking knuckles ] now back to this bitch

taehyung: [ rolling up sleeves ] who had a lot to say about abandoning us to watch suicide squad

yoongi: well you abandoned me at the club when i was dying so to be fair--

taehyung: [ pushes yoongi to the ground ]

taehyung: yoongi what's good bitch?!

yoongi:

jimin:

A L S O . . .

jungkook: [ staring at namjoon on the ground in front of him ] hoseok it's been a minute since namjoon been doing that don't you think we should check on him?

hoseok: stop being a titty and let him vibe out with his brain blast. give him five more minutes. namjoon is a smart man, he'll get there eventually.

jungkook: WE BEEN HERE FIVE HOURS MY G, HOW MUCH LONGER DO YOU WANT US TO STAY [ shaking hoseok ]

hoseok: [ looks up from phone, irritated ] what, what wHAT?!

hoseok: [ looks at namjoon ]

namjoon:

hoseok: NAMJOON

namjoon: economics is referred to as a dismal science but i believe that it is not so, meaning that if applied correctly economics will get us out of this situation. what we need to do is start a firm and then conduct a controlled experiment immediately to analyze all the incentives of the police officers in the phi phi area, as well as those of the residents in this area. it might require us to leave jimin, taehyung, and yoongi in the holding cell overnight but that's about all the time we'll need to launch a start up to raise money for the boys if we invest about one hundred million won from our bank accounts evenly and correctly. our quality of service has to be impeccable enough to establish a brand and the location has to be situated perfectly in a zone between tourists and residents, therefore i suggest we buy out a small kiosk, hopefully a souvenir and curio shop, at the airport. using "airport prices" to our advantage, we can overprice the goods we sell and still expect a profit, even after buying the boys' way out of the slammer at the set price for their bail. adjusted for inflation, converted back to korean won, and adding in yoongi's assault charge, we'd still get about fifteen million won back to split amongst us three and still have a stock in the booming tourist trade here after we get home. this is generational equity at it's best, really we should invest. these tangible things expire so we should expect income with a lot more outcome. how's that sound?

hoseok:

jungkook: oh! i have a better idea!

jungkook: [ chimes ] how about we scam the travel agency we came with?

namjoon: or that.

hoseok: [ smacks jungkook upside the head ] BITCH ARE YOU DUMB???

hoseok: I GUESS YOU WANNA GET LOCKED UP TOO HUH?

jungkook: um, OW??

hoseok: oh shit. [ sighs, runs hands through hair ]  hey look, i know i'm heavy handed but i'm stressed out. i'm sorry--

hoseok: [ hand flies to his mouth ]

jungkook: [ has probably seen a ghost ] h-hyung, are you okay? did you.. just--?

namjoon: holy shit did he just apologize to you.

hoseok: [ shakes head fervently, wide eyes ]

[[ taehyung enters with yoongi's scalp in hand even though yoongi is not paying him any mind. he is trying his best to run out of taehyung's death grip. jimin laughs behind. ]]

jimin: [ to hoseok, namjoon, and jungkook, ruffling hair ] hey guys we broke out of jail so we should probably get going before the guards notice or something

jimin: [ looks at taehyung and yoongi ]

yoongi: LET ME GO I NEED TO SAVE TAEJOON

taehyung: [ screeching ]

jimin: [ cackling ]

- JIMIN -

"if you're wondering, it was a draw."

"and, after i recorded that lovely worldstar video on yoongi's phone, i realized i would need internet to post it so i told yoongi taejoon was in danger and he pried the bars of the holding cell apart to save him. i should probably tell him that taejoon is still alive. after i post this video tho."

[ cackles ]

-

namjoon: [ cannot get but a squeal of disbelief past his lips, points at hoseok ]

hoseok: [ hands still on his mouth ]

jimin: [ wide eyed ] hoLY SHIT HE DID APOLOGIZE

jimin: NICE ONE JUNGKOOKIE, YOU LUCKY DUCK [ pats his shoulder ]

jungkook: [ shakes head ] THIS AIN'T GOOD

jungkook: THIS IS AN OMEN

jungkook: SOMETHING BAD IS COMING

jungkook: AND ITS COMING SOON

???: i think you mean

???: a bad bitch!!

???: is coming soon!

[[ office doors fly open ]]

[[ "dat $tick" starts playing, seokjin struts into the precinct in a crisp white button down by alexander wang, ankle jeans by g-star, black strapped sandals by margiela, and signature givenchy sunglasses. the outfit costs more than your entire paycheck. he strikes several poses, seven different camera angles and glam shots appear. he blows a kiss into the camera then resumes his path into the room. ]]

seokjin: bloop bitch i'm here wassup

[[ a female police officer swoons, fainting at his feet. ]]

seokjin: [ sighing contently ] as usual, the women think i'm handsome.

[[ he steps over her and continues along. ]]

seokjin: [ smiles to self ] ah, what can i do to help but agree?

- HOSEOK -

"first of all,

w h a t t h e f u c k"

"so nobody gon ask how he got here? so NOBODY GON ASK HOW HE GOT HERE?"

"I THOUGHT I ESCAPED."

pd: [ behind camera ] "I BET YOU THOUGHT BITCH"

-

jimin: seokjin! hi! we missed you

seokjin: [ takes off glasses ] hello bald patch nice breeze up there ain't it shut the fuck up.

seokjin: taehyung [ plucks a strand of his hair ] hmmm i see you're still dying your hair the same shade as my nana. by the way i think it looks better on my nana.

seokjin: namjoon [ observes him from head to toe ] ain't nothing wrong with you, you just look like el chapo junior sometimes

seokjin: yoongi my cute ass cinnamon roll. wait, are you high?

yoongi: not above the influence, HAAAN [ goes for a dap ]

seokjin: [ moves yoongi's hand, continues down the line ]

seokjin: [ turns hoseok around, slaps his neck wild hard ]

seokjin: this my neck now

jungkook: HI JIN I MISSED YOU [ waving excitedly ]

seokjin: [ laughing, pinching his cheek ] and i missed the time that i had five working senses damn jungkook i wish my nose could unsmell your dragon ass coffee breath but alas

taehyung: welcome back

seokjin: [ sighs ] don't speak to me without filling out a request form

seokjin: anyway hoseok, i arranged for us to have twin suites at the iniala placed right next to each other. they said someone rented out the room already but i just bumped them out and gave them my old one since it was a premium suite anyway.

hoseok: why tho

seokjin: [ sending a text ] bitch i flew all the way to thailand to see you, take a guess.

seokjin: i missed my best friend

hoseok: [ furrows brows ] how u gon miss your own self tho, i don't get it

seokjin: fuck it i tried

seokjin: [ sighs ] i guess i'm back to being my own wing man

seokjin: although i'm afraid with my wing man being so handsome he'll woo hana away from me. [ laughs ]

jungkook: that's the seokjin i love

seokjin: jungkook dear god [ giggling ]

seokjin: [ covering his mouth in disgust ] just..-- just order iced coffee next time. it'll smell better.

police officers: [ run in pointing to yoongi, jimin, and taehyung ] there they are!

taehyung: zoinks! like, let's get out of here scoob!

yoongi, jimin & taehyung: [ that weird ass scooby doo run ]

[[ the three attempt to run away, but seokjin holds them back, stepping in front of them to block the numbers of police coming their way. ]]

jungkook: THERE IS SO MUCH HAPPENING

namjoon: [ endless yelling ]

taehyung: well boys, it was nice knowing you. time to meet god.

yoongi: [ tearing up, rubbing his scalp ] now i can finally join you on the other side buddy

hoseok: [ on phone in tears, taking cover behind seokjin's broad shoulders ] TAEJOON DADDY LOVES YOU VERY MUCH AND NO MATTER IF I COME OUT DEAD OR ALIVE I STILL-- no! you're still grounded!-- taejoon, i ain't playing these games! [ ends call ]

hoseok: [ makes another call, waits at the dialing tone ]

hoseok: hello yes, this is jung hoseok, can i speak to my agent? i'd like to get a full refund on the trip to thailand on account of the broken ankle, delayed flight, and terrible service given to me at the iniala resort.

namjoon: hoseok this is not the time-- AREA 51 IS WITHHOLDING KNOWLEDGE OF EXTRATERRESTRIAL ACTIVITY -- to be scamming!

yoongi: [ running from behind seokjin, on phone ] i KNEW IT I KNEW THEY WERE KEEPING A MEWTWO AT AREA 51

seokjin: listen bitch [ yanks his ass back ]

yoongi: [ yaga ]

hoseok: UM EXCUSE ME NAMBITCH ARE YOU THE ONE WHO PAID ALL INCLUSIVE FOR THIS TRIP?? OH IIGHT. DONT TELL JUNG HOSEOK HOW TO DO JUNG HOSEOK

jungkook: [ to jimin ] hyung! let's hold each other for these last few moments!

jimin: [ THROWS HIMSELF ONTO JUNGKOOK OUT OF FEAR ]

jungkook: [ smiles ]

jimin: thanks this is actually very comforting

jungkook: i know but i have one last question before the end

jimin: which is?

jungkook: [ whispers in his ear ] u got games on ur phone

jimin: [ screams ]

[[ the six boys behind seokjin hear the footsteps of the police officers get closer and closer and closer until finally, and suddenly, it stops. ]]

seokjin: there's your bail money.

jimin:

taehyung:

namjoon:

jungkook:

namjoon:

jimin:

hoseok:

yoongi:

taehyung:

jungkook:

hoseok: [ peeks over seokjin's shoulder ] bitch what happen? 👀

hoseok: [ eyes widen ]

hoseok: [ faints ]

taehyung: [ peeks ]

taehyung:  OH MY GOD HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU THROW AT THEM SEOKJIN?

seokjin: one hundred million won

jungkook: [ pop goes the weasel ] BITHC W AIT A FMINTUE

seokjin: what? it's just pocket money?

namjoon: POCKET MULA?? THATS MORE THAN I'VE MADE WITH MY CLOTHING LINE

taehyung: MY R eSPIRATORY SYSTEMm

seokjin:

it's lil seokjin, da finesse kid

seokjin: [ to police force ] now, will that cover all the damage costs for your holding cell and the bail?

police officer #1: [ nods nervously, clearly intimidated by his beauty and elite class ]

seokjin: good

seokjin: [ sighs boredly, picks at nails ] well, can we get going now? i have something to tell you all.

all: [ cannot fathom ]

seokjin: fine. just grab hoseok and meet me in the helicopter then. but don't take too long or i'll sign a contract elsewhere and get my own reality tv show.

[[ seokjin exits, leaving the remaining five and hoseok there speechless. he rounds the corner out of their sight. thirty seconds pass and still no one moves. ]]

seokjin: [ into the "VERSEOKCE" official bullhorn now available on the seokjinstore.net/merch ] I SAID HURRY UP PENDEJOS RAPIDO RAPIDO

all: [ scurry ]

seokjin: [ turning off bullhorn, to self as he leans against the doorframe ] ah, i really missed these kids.

seokjin: [ notices the camera on his left ]

seokjin: [ takes off his chancla, throws it at camera ]

seokjin: [ into bullhorn ] sIMON WHAT DID I FUCKING TELL YOU ABOUT FILMING MY BAD SIDE

[[ camera falls to the ground, giving a clear shot of seokjin's feet as the boys pass. ]]

seokjin: [ singing, to simon ] where yo ass was at on the ninth of september? that's right, in court bitch, HOPE YOU DIDNT MAKE NO PLANS CAUSE THATS WHEN IMMA SEE YOU IN COURT BITCH BECAUSE TONIGHT,,, IS THE NIGHT. IM GONNA PUT A WIRE IN YOUR JAW SIMON.

- SEOKJIN -

"i know you guys probably already had your minds set on one of the other fools to vote for your fan favorite while i was gone but"

[[ loyal starts playing. seokjin throws a leg over the arm of his throne and winks. ]]

"y'all thought it was over?"

[[ loyal continues to play as the screen fades to black; ending credits ]]

+

SEOKJIN CHANGED THE GAME WITH THAT DIGITAL DROP KNOW WHERE YOU WAS WHEN THAT DIGITAL POPPED HE STOP THE WORLD MALE OR FEMALE IT MAKE NO DIFFERENCE HE STOP THE WORLD WORLD STOP

carry on

BIT CH!!! im snatchedt

only about one or two more episodes left in this season and then the reunion.

i'm so excited for the reunion. and i love rich chigga. hence seokjin's entrance song in the media.

4.6k word count and i only wrote this in two hour bless up

should i make the reunion submissions chapter so you can start submitting in the meantime soon? like for "fan favorite", "most likely to spill your tea by accident", "pettiest", dynamic duo and character q&a and such? bc we all know i won't update for another few weeks (#yikes but) and i want everyone to get a chance to put something in before i make the reunion chapter?

it's gonna get lit

- c y a n