S 1 E 1 3 : " C R E D I T C A R D S A N D T H E S C A M M E R S "

[[ vignettes of the thailand landscape flash on screen. in the bottom corner of the screen it reads, in all bold caps, "phi phi, phuket • 8:06 a.m.". flash to the indoors of a new villa rented by the husbands for their two day stay on the phi phi islands. opening theme fades out. ]]

yoongi: [ yawns, walks out from hotel kitchen to an eerily still living room with hotpocket in hand ]

yoongi: [ sits down on couch and goes on phone ]

yoongi: wait a minute

yoongi: something isn't right

yoongi: [ looks over shoulder to find all five boys pouncing at him ]

namjoon: [ hisses ]

yoongi: [ sighs ]

yoongi: [ starts doing some naruto type shit ]

hoseok: how in the fuck is he dodging all of our attacks?!

jimin: WE'RE ALL FIGHTING HIM AT THE SAME TIME HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE

jimin: HE AIN'T EVEN USING BOTH HANDS HE'S STILL HOLDING HIS HOT POCKET

jungkook: THIS MAN IS ROCK LEE

hoseok: try harder!

jungkook: BINCH DON'T YOU THINK I'M TRYING MY BEST

hoseok: yo raise your voice to me like that one more time and i sweahtagod on everything i'm calling young metro on you wAIT NAMJOON, NAMJOON, NAM--

2 0 M I N U T E S L A T E R

[[ the six boys are walking down to a beachfront known as maya beach. the sun is blazing and hoseok is leading the way while the other five tiredly carry all the beach supplies along in the heat. ]]

hoseok: all right, time for roll call!

hoseok: jim jam!

jimin: here! [ smiles ]

hoseok: [ internally, blushing ] goddamn, that boy gonna put me in the hospital one day.

hoseok: uhhh, taehyung!

taehyung: president!!! obama!!!!!!

jimin: honey,,, the word you're looking for is "present"

taehyung: we were supposed to bring gifts?

jimin: fuck my life man

hoseok: namjoon! where's namj--

namjoon: the new world order is real

hoseok: [ checks namjoon off ] ummm, punk ass bitch named jungkook.

hoseok: [ looks at jungkook ]

jungkook: um

jungkook: t-the punk ass bitch part is silent

hoseok: aaand yoongi

yoongi: [ knocked the fuck out on jungkook's back ]

hoseok: alright noice noice

namjoon: okay well now that we finally got yoongi out of the house and roll call is done, we can finally start our tour of the phi phi islands!

taehyung: i jus can't believe that chigga did a kamehameha just so he could get out of touring the island

jimin: your boy yoongi is literally an anime character i'm weak

hoseok: yeah so am i haha

hoseok: weak from that wicked ass h-bomb namjoon dropped in the villa gODDAMN

namjoon: lmao truu [ chill peace sign ]

taehyung: we're gonna have to quarantine the villa for a minimum of twelve hours after that one because that fart was on some nagasaki mode

jungkook: listen just thank god that today is burrito thursday because if it wasn't for namjoon's fart bomb we wouldn't have been able to knock yoongi out

namjoon: mm-mm, y'all talkin bout "thank god for burrito thursday" but i'm pretty sure if it wasn't for those gas masks i bought at ikea your asses would be out cold on the floor with him

hoseok: why the fuck do they sell gas masks at ikea

namjoon: [ into walkie talkie ] buy one industrial size mcflurry machine get the gas masks free

jungkook:

jimin: wait why the fuck did namjoon buy a mcflurry machine?

namjoon: [ into walkie talkie ] the mcflurry machine always broke. over.

taehyung: [ into walkie talkie ] tbh tho

jungkook: alright yoongi your daddy wasn't a feather maker and you ain't light. you can get the fuck off my back now.

yoongi: [ ... ]

jungkook: oh this chigga think i'm pussy?

jungkook: GET THE FUCK OFF MY BACK [ drops yoongi ]

yoongi: [ thud ]

namjoon: [ looking at yoongi ] hoooooh shit

hoseok: [ scoldingly ] jungkook.

jimin: él necesita un poco de leche

taehyung: lol he ded

yoongi: [ ... ]

jimin: you fuckin idiot taehyung you jinxed it!

yoongi: [ literally melts ]

jungkook: o na i'm OUT

jimin: what the real true actual fuck

hoseok: this chigga did not really undergo a phase change

hoseok: [ turns to namjoon, points at yoongi ] namjoon tell me this chigga did not go from solid to liquid

namjoon: [ nodding tho ] he went from solid to a liquid

hoseok: this chigga did not really undergo a phase change

jungkook: well,

jungkook: namjoon, you're going to jail

namjoon: fuck i gotta go to jail for?

jimin: because your fart killed him

jimin: and now he's dead

jungkook: that's a bit redundant jimin but yeah anyway good luck in prison fam lol make sure you keep those asscheeks clenched, don't drop the soap, and have fun being another man's bitch.

namjoon: [ whispers ] but if he melts they won't find the body

namjoon: let's set him on fire to speed things up shall we?

jungkook: namjoon no

namjoon: SSAK DA BUSAEWORA [ raises lighter ]

jimin: NAM 👏🏼 JOON 👏🏼

taehyung: [ stops namjoon, squats down to observe yoongi's body ]

taehyung: [ nicholas cage impersonation ] no

taehyung: no, no i've seen this before guys. on naruto.

jimin: oh so now its two weeaboos up in this bitch

jimin: lovely

taehyung: [ gets up, rubs eyes tiredly ] alright guys, back to the house

hoseok: wait what? why?

taehyung: [ walking away ] it was a substitution jutsu. the real yoongi probably substituted this clay figure thingy in for his body while we were too busy trying to get him out of the house. he probably never even left the bedroom.

hoseok: boy you not deadass right?

hoseok: [ turns to namjoon, points at taehyung ] namjoon he not deadass right?

namjoon: [ nodding tho ] he deadass boy

hoseok: nah boy he not deadass

O N E  M O R E  A N I M E  B A T T L E  S C E N E  L A T E R

yoongi: y'all are mad fuckin disrespectful you know that right?

yoongi: i can't believe you just ran up on me like that and made me drop my hot pocket

jimin: yo shut the fuck up and quit complaining before i drop your ass too

[[ camera pans out to reveal yoongi once again being carried by the boys, horizontally this time, using their arms as a bed. they put him down as they prepare to set up their umbrella and blanket on the beach. ]]

yoongi: i just don't see why you had to make me drop a perfectly good hot pocket to be in the damn sun and sit in sand and whatnot

yoongi: what's so fun about having sand between your asscheeks

jimin: it's thai sand. you keep it between your asscheeks and bring it back to korea, boom! instant souvenir.

taehyung: look yoongi, we're in thailand and we're on tour so the least we should do is visit their most famous beach before we go. hoseok didn't spend mad dough just so you could mouth harass a fuckin hot pocket the entire vacation.

hoseok: ya damn skippy i didn't

namjoon: and speaking of spending mad dough

namjoon: i just went to the resort spa last night before we came to the phi phi islands and i paid too many bands to get my hair and edges laid to the gods.

jungkook: o shit feel his hair tho [ strokes his mane ]

namjoon: [ removes jungkook's hand ] hunty,,, please don't touch the artwork :)

namjoon: but i dare one of y'all to wet my hair

namjoon: because bitch i swear i got a glock in my rari

jimin: seventeen shots no--

namjoon: park jimin don't do it.

jimin: ya

taehyung: o my gawd

hoseok: alright kids

hoseok: who needs sunscreen? [ squeezing cream into palm ]

jungkook: [ raises hand ] me please!

hoseok: [ turns around ] and bitch who exactly are you?

jungkook: [ counting off on fingers ] a bitch that's gonna fuck you up mentally and have you rethinking your motherfuckin existence, bitch that's gonna make you wanna crawl back up ya mama pussy, a bitch that's gon--

jimin: that's gross jungkook stop

jimin: #yuck

namjoon: actually jimin you should take the opportunity while you can

namjoon: this may be the only pussy you'll get for another eight years

jimin:

jungkook: hoseok can you hurry up with the fuckin anti-sunburn cream

hoseok: listen motherfucker

[[ sunscreen bottle makes a fart noise when he squeezes it. ]]

hoseok: i will literally fuck you bro

jungkook: ... s-skin cancer doesn't sound so bad i guess

namjoon: alright i'm ready to get in

namjoon: [ snaps on his shower cap ]

jimin: [ cracking up ] boy i know you ain't serious with that fuckin hair condom on

namjoon:

jimin: you know what fine whatever lets just get in

jimin: tae, yoongi, are you guys coming in?

taehyung: [ absent-mindedly with headphones in, humming ] shorty wanna kiss me, but i know she sucking dick, shawty wanna kiss me, but i know she sucking dick look, uber everywhere, pre-rolls in the VIP, yeah, uber everywhere, pre-rolls in my VIP

yoongi: [ continuing the song ] aye

yoongi: skrr skrr

jimin: hey! [ snaps in their faces ] i asked if you're coming in!

yoongi: hm? [ looks up ] oh, nah bitch i only come out i ain't tryna end up with no taejoon

taehyung: tru on hella 3000

hoseok: taejoon ain't even that bad smh

taehyung: yo hoseok suck a dick and die, deadass

hoseok: i'm so alarmed

taehyung: that kid swindled me!!!

hoseok: but hoe you decided to be dumb. you gave him the opportunity.

taehyung: he tooK MY fuKCNIG ROLEX

hoseok:

taehyung: BITCH HE WEARS IT ALL THE TIME FUCK YOU MEAN "WHAT ELECTRONIC"

hoseok: ... shut the fuck up

taehyung:

taehyung:

taehyung:

jimin: you know what fuck y'all i'm abOUT TO DIIIIVE IN

jimin: [ is about to dive in ]

jimin: [ yanked't! ]

namjoon: [ holding jimin by the waist of his trunks ] sike bitch i'm bout to lay down some motherfuckin rules because if my hair gets wet and y'all try to feed me some bullshit ass excuses about how you didn't know i wanted my shit to remain laid, i'm going to run you over with a golf cart and then sell your clothes on ebay

yoongi: ain't that a bit much

namjoon: bitch ain't you a bit adopted??

yoongi:

namjoon: oh ii, stay pressed.

namjoon: anyway rule number one: no one touches my damn shower cap.

namjoon: rule number two: you dunk me, i will drown you.

namjoon: rule number three: if i get water on my hair myself, and you're the person standing closest to me when i find out that my shit is hydrated, it's your fault, and i'm feeding you to the sharks.

yoongi: got it

jungkook: [ singing ] joon outchea looking for reveeeenge

jungkook: all summer s--

taehyung: [ with headphones in ] seventeeeeeen!

taehyung:

yoongi: [ clapping along happily from sideline as taehyung performs the entire "pretty u" routine ]

hoseok: [ hasn't noticed, still putting on sunscreen ]

namjoon:

namjoon: [ shakes head ] bitch i'mma just go

[[ namjoon leaves with jimin to go to the waterfront. the two walk along the tide for a moment. ]]

jimin: wow this beach is so pretty hyung!

namjoon:

jimin: almost as pretty as you [ winks ]

namjoon: [ monotonously ] if you're trying to get pussy out of me it's not working jimin

namjoon: i have a dick

namjoon: and no homo

also namjoon: [ internally sweating because even he can't resist jimin's charm ]

jimin: dude, i wouldn't fuck you bro.

namjoon: bro.

namjoon: but look if i could get a billion won for jacking you off tho i might do it.

jimin: bro i'd jack you off too then we'd have two billion

namjoon: good strategy. i like the way you think.

jimin: i may be a pretty hoe but i'm also [ dramatically removes sunglasses ] a smart hoe... a strategic hoe..

[[ both laugh. jimin leaves namjoon to get into the water. namjoon watches from the shore until suddenly a high tide comes ashore and submerges him up to his knees in ocean water. ]]

namjoon: binch!!!! [ squeals endlessly ]

jimin:

jimin: namjoon, ask yourself this:

jimin: was it ever really that deep.

jimin: is the water even that cold.

jimin: am i overreacting.

namjoon: that's real fuckin neato jim jam but i'mma sit my flat ass right here because that water is negative brick dick degrees and i don't want hypothermia

jimin: you're such a square

namjoon: fuck you, you rhombus

namjoon: i happen to enjoy the scenic view... the crystal clear water.. the sun on my skin

jimin: the wind against that fuckin hair condom

namjoon: bitch how you gonna try to come for me and say the water ain't cold when your chocolate chip ass nipples are saying fuckin boonjour to me

jimin: huh?

jimin: [ looks down at chest ]

jimin's nipples: [ generic surfer dude voice ] suhh dude

jimin: w h a t t h e f u c k

jimin: [ dips himself in the water to make them less hard ]

jimin' nipples: [ muffled ] the sins of our forefather's bind us to this fate

namjoon: fuckin weirdo

jimin: see? they're going down now. it's not cold.

namjoon: ... a-alright [ slowly enters water ]

namjoon: but bitch i dare you to--

jimin:

jimin: CKYA BLYAT

namjoon: HWA THE FUCKC

namjoon's edges: why father

-TAEHYUNG-

"yeah, lemme get an instant replay on that?"

namjoon: but bitch i dare you to--

jimin:

jimin: CKYA BLYAT

namjoon: HWA THE FUCKC

namjoon's edges: why father

[ producer pauses the clip ]

[ trying to stifle his laughter ]

t:"o-one more time. i didn't see it clearly."

pd: "taehyung, this is the fifth time we've replayed the clip."

t:"ok but one more time tho."

pd: [ sighs, replays video ]

t: [ fucking cackling ]

t: [ falls out of chair ]

-

jimin: [ pointing and laughing at namjoon ] aaaha! haha! you should see the look on your f-- wait namjoon, chill i was just p-playin!

namjoon: [ swings first ] bitch!!!

namjoon: [ death grip ]

jimin: let go of my hair hoe! i have a tender head!

namjoon: [ beating jimin syllabilically, turning into a black mom ] DIDN'T. I. TELL. YO. ASS.

jimin: [ nonchalantly taking his punches, deep voice ] nah i'm forreal. stop jacking that.

namjoon: --NOT. TO. FUCKING. WET. MY.

jimin: [ chill angry ] my son

jimin: let my hair go

namjoon: --DAMN. HAIR.

jimin: i'm only gonna tell you this one last time to let go of my hair before i put the handles on you boy

namjoon: [ rips a small tuft of hair out of the center of his head ]

jimin: [ jaw drops ]

jimin: [ sends hand to the small bald spot ]

jimin: [ looks at namjoon ]

-JUNGKOOK-

"you know, i think jimin has the most patience out of all the husbands. he didn't get too mad when we forgot to come to his book signing. we can make fun of my sex life all we want and the most he'll do is cry-laugh it off. but once we start messing with his money maker,"

[ camera zooms in ]

"bruh."

[ cut to flashback ]

jungkook: [ walking onto jimin's backyard patio with a tray of corn in hand ] hey i'm here for the barbequE HOLY SH IT

jimin: [ smiles, bruised with dried blood at the corner of his lip ] oh, hi jungkookie! glad you could join us!

jimin: sorry this was so sudden

jimin: yoongi was just feeling a little bold and pushed me down the stairs

jimin: i got a little bruise on my forehead, but it's okay!

yoongi: [ muffled ] jimin, it was an accident!

[[ camera pans out to reveal yoongi tied up with an apple in his mouth, on a rotating spit inches over a fire that jimin is stoking with a smile. ]]

jimin: [ to jungkook ] i only eat fresh meat :)

jungkook: [ screams into the void ]

[ flashback fades out ]

"BRUH."

-

namjoon: [ middle fingers ] fuk u

jimin: [ scrapes foot over sand like a bull ]

namjoon: [ whips out the red cape ]

jimin: [ charges ]

taehyung, distantly: jimkeisha, no!

namjoon: olé!

[[ camera trucks from jimin and namjoon at the shore back to jungkook and hoseok, who are finally walking down to the waterside. ]]

jungkook: [ incredulously watching hoseok continue to apply sunscreen on his arms ]

hoseok: alright [ closes bottle ] here

hoseok: [ tosses bottle to jungkook ]

jungkook: [ opens bottle and squeezes ]

the bottle: nah fam

jungkook: hoseok

jungkook: [ points to the empty bottle ] are you even remotely deadass right now

hoseok: [ while covered head to toe in the entire bottle ] i ain't even use that much, fuck is you talkin bout,,, deadass, this is a thin ass layer.,,, don't jack that.

jungkook: SUCK MY DICK

hoseok:

jungkook: YOU WANT ME TO TURN INTO A FUCKING LOBSTER?? I NEED SUNSCREEN MY CHIGGA. I CAN'T BELIEVE THE NERVE OF YOU RIGHT NOW YOU CRUSTY ASS CLIT FACE ASS MOTHER FUCKER?? THIS IS THE EQUIVALENT OF GIVING A CHIGGA ONE SAUCE FOR FUCKIN EIGHTY MCNUGGETS WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DIE?? CHOKE ON THESE FUCKIN DRY ASS MCNUGGETS. HOW BOUT YOU FUCKING GIVE ME ENOUGH SAUCE MY CHIGGA.

hoseok:

jungkook: [ softly yet sternly ] stop bein stingy chigga

jungkook: >:(

hoseok: ...

jungkook: >:(

hoseok:

jungkook: omg omg omg omg omg i'm sorry i didn't mean to go off like that i just have back pain from carrying yoongi and it made me grouchy but i shouldn't have taken it out on you like that do you want me to buy you ice cream?? it's ok if you don't want to share your sunscreen with me anymore hyung.

jungkook: will you forgive me? [ bats eyelashes ]

hoseok:

hoseok: [ mutters ]

jungkook: what did you say

hoseok: [ mutters slightly louder ]

jungkook: rrrrrrepita, por favor!

hoseok: I SAID SUCK MY MCDICK

hoseok: I HATE YOUR ASS ALWAYS TRYNA STEAL SOMEBODY SHINE BEIN SO FUCKIN COURTEOUS AND RESPECTFUL AND WHATNOT

jungkook: [ looks up from phone ] .... sorry i was watching this arctic fox laughing. it's so cute. what did you say?

hoseok: IM NOT SHARING THE SUNSCREEN BECAUSE YOU DESERVE TO BURN YOU GOLDEN MAKNAE HEAD ASS FUCKIN PERFECTLY SYMMETRICAL FACE HAVIN ASS OLD CUTE WITH NO FILTER SELCA HEADASS I HATE YOU

jungkook: you know, i'm not really feeling all the bad vibes you're bringing to this vacation right now

hoseok: and bitch i ain't feelin your face ugly ass bitch ass chigga!

jungkook: [ shrugs, smiles ] it's cool man, not everybody will be cool with everybody

camera crew: [ aww's ]

hoseok: [ slightly deterred by his response ] ch-chigga your shoes boy, what are those!

jungkook: [ looks down at feet ]

jungkook: eh, just gucci flip flops i guess.

hoseok: well your mom sucks dick for food stamps boy!

jungkook: [ laughs, shakes head ] no she doesn't.

hoseok: big ass nose boy, you can smell the next time jimin's getting pussy

jungkook: that's not even possible

hoseok: [ points to jungkook like "who's man is this" ]

hoseok: boy who the FUCK your barber bro, hairline looking like--

jungkook: i don't know my barber's name.

hoseok: i-it needa be jisoos so he could resurrect that shit

jungkook: that's blasphemy.

hoseok: boy if you don't get your [ shuts eyes, silences ] head ass outta here

jungkook: [ chuckles, confused ] what was that?

hoseok: ya [ leans back sharply ] head ass outta here

hoseok: ya [ squeezes nose downward whilst inhaling ] head ass outta here

hoseok: boy if you don't get ya [ wipes each eyebrow ] head ass outta here

hoseok: ya ol'

head ass!

jungkook: whoaa! how did you learn that?

hoseok: [ angrily storms off ] man fuck this shit breh i'm outta here dog!

jungkook: [ follows ] i'm sorry for upsetting you hyung!

hoseok: shut yo nice ass up!

hoseok: when are you gonna see that you're too pure for this world?!

jungkook:  i can't see tho lol[ fakes being blind, starts feeling around for hoseok's face and lips ]

hoseok: and you need-- wait [ spitting jungkook's fingers out of his mouth ] get your fucking fingers out of me! get yOUR FUCKING--

jungkook: a list of things i will never hear nayoung say lmao

hoseok: B OY

hoseok: I F YOU DON'T GET YOUR-- [ runs to ocean ]

hoseok: [ dives into ocean ]

[[ fifteen seconds later hoseok still hasn't resurfaced. ]]

jungkook: [ concerned ] hyung? are you okay?!

hoseok: [ resurfaces, semi-drowning ]

hoseok: --heaD ASS OUTTA HERE

[[ cut back to taehyung and yoongi beneath the umbrella. ]]

yoongi: look at them, tae tae. they all look so happy.

[[ camera pans over to the waterside. ]]

hoseok: [ roast hands at jungkook ] --WITCHA OL' GYM SOCK HEAD ASS I SWEAR BRUH YOU NEED TO IRON--

jimin: [ literally revoking namjoon's scalp ]

yoongi: so at peace.

taehyung: [ headphones in on full blast, calmly burying yoongi's body in the sand ]

yoongi: tae, sing me a song.

taehyung: [ takes out one headphone ] which song?

yoongi: whatever your heart desires, my seed.

taehyung: okay lol

taehyung: [ clears throat ]

taehyung: [ singing ] but if you close your eyes!

yoongi's eyes: [ are close ]

taehyung: does it always feel like--!

yoongi: you got the lyrics wrong you piece of shit refrozen pack of string beans

taehyung: wow. you're higher than namjoon's iq, and still mean as hell.

-YOONGI & TAEHYUNG-

t: "yoongi, are you high right now?"

y: "..."

t: "he's high as shit boi."

t: "yo, yoongi."

t: "yoongi!"

y: "..."

y: [ throws hands up, smiles ]

y: "ayo, i got the bud i got the weed, wassup!"

camera crew: [ collectively ] "YEAAAAAAAAAAA ISS FUCKIN LIT JUHEAARDD"

y: "alrighT YALL CHIGGAS SHUT THE FUCK UP"

camera crew:

y: "ayo who got the roll up?"

camera crew: "..."

y: "you useless *beep* *beep* mother *extended beep*"

pd: "wait, taehyung."

t: "ye."

pd: "where did yoongi get the wee--"

t: [ whispers ] "shh, i think weed is illegal in thailand."

y: "iight so hoseok dropped his wallet when we were walking to the beach so i did the proper thing..."

y: "and used his money for another six ounces from the weedman on the beachside."

[ camera unsteadily pans out to distant weedman on the beachside ]

y: [ squad point pose ] "yeooOOOOooOO!"

weedman, distantly: [ squatting squad point pose ] "yeeeoOOOOooOOOoOo!"

-

yoongi: [ buried in sand ] yo bro, i'm just saying

taehyung: [ looks at yoongi ]

yoongi: if things don't work out with jangmi

yoongi: i got these bitches on christianmingle lining UP. hit me up if you ever need a church girl, aight?

taehyung: [ cannot hear yoongi because of his headphones, continues burying him ]

yoongi: bro.

yoongi: man fuck everyone who told me not to follow my dreams

yoongi: from now on i'm just,, i gotta inhale that bullshit, exhale the good shit haha

taehyung: it's the other way around, yoongi.

yoongi: oh lmao

yoongi: inshit that bullhale, exshit that good hale

yoongi: haha yes

yoongi: yo my dreams tho man

taehyung: [ internally ] :) no this chigga did not just say inshit that bull--

yoongi: i'mma do whatever the fuck i please from,,, form here on out. i'll do whateer i want i'll be,, idk like,, .. a fucking mazda when i grow up you can't stop me

taehyung: yoongi you can't be a car

yoongi: fuck you

yoongi: i'll go to mcdonalds and ask for a water cup and put soda in it while the em ployes watch me i don't care i don't give a shit

yoongi: [ to camera ] if any of you quote fucking "nevermind" i will personally confiscate your keyboards

yoongi: and fuck it i'll make my kid's last name vevo

taehyung: that's really inspiring yoongi

taehyung: hey, yoongi

yoongi:

taehyung: yoongi

taehyung: y o o n g i

yoongi:

5 M I N U T E S L A T E R

yoongi: [ laughs out of his daze ] yo-hoh-hooo, bernie sanders thick as fuck!

passerby: TRUU

passerby: yo, by any chance do you know when his lip kit is coming out?

yoongi: bernie sanders have a lip kit?

passerby: HE GONNA

yoongi: U LYIN

passerby: HE 👏🏼 DID 👏🏼 THAT 👏🏼

yoongi: omg i have to tell seulgi about this

yoongi: [ tries to move arms ]

yoongi: [ cannot because of the massive quantities of sand ]

yoongi: bro.

yoongi: o wait lmao did u call me?

taehyung: THAT WAS FIVE FUCKING MINUTES AGO

yoongi: whoa no need to,,, start treating me like i'm sommmee fuckin,, hot dog now buddy

taehyung: death, i accept thee now more than ever

yoongi: ur acting like a real clit right now man

taehyung: yoongi please close your mouth forever

yoongi: beep boop bee bop boop. beeeeeeep.

taehyung:

yoongi: it's ringing

taehyung:

yoongi: beeeeep.

yoongi: [ into "phone" ] o hey is this the uber driver. ya i don't need a ride anywhere. i just wanted to tell you bitches love sosa.

taehyung: i'm calling the police.

yoongi: ok hoe call the police mm,, i'll jus have sex with them

yoongi: might fuck around n read a book idk

taehyung: there's no way you could have smoked weed. it was coke. it was heroin. it just can't be weed.

yoongi: na bro this is one hundred percent organic bud.

taehyung: don't say that so loud.

yoongi: say what? thAT--

taehyung: YONGI

yoongi: 911 MY DICK FELL OFF

police officer #1: that's him!

[[ the two police officers storm over. ]]

yoongi: oh shit they actually came!

yoongi: [ focuses on not looking high ]

yoongi:

taehyung: [ laughs tauntingly ] ooooh, see i told you not to say that so loud! now you're-- hey wait! why are you cuffing me?

police officer #2: [ flashing badge ] kim taehyung, you're under arrest for fraud and exploitation of the elderly.

yoongi: :O

yoongi: TAEHYUNG YOU'RE A SCAMMER??

taehyung: no i'm not??? what the fuck?? do you even have a warrant for my arrest?? do you even have evidence??

police officer #2: sir, yesterday we received this video of you from an anonymous source.

jimin: [ walks up ] oh yeah i remember that night lmao.

taehyung: officer, i was drunk when that video was recorded! and i promise that's not the truth! i'm actually rich! i'm on a reality tv show my wife has nice tiddies and my belts are all designer, i have no reason to be a scammer!

jimin: he really doesn't tho.

police officer #1: and who are you?

jimin: i'm park jimin, renowned author and reality tv star

jimin: [ bats eyelashes ]

police officer #1: [ looks at partner ]

police officer #1: [ cuffing jimin ] park jimin, you're also under arrest for fraud and exploitation of the elderly.

police officer #2: several churches have reported two boys going around and [ reads off paper ] scamming churches out of donation money by use of sob stories and other piteous means.

yoongi: tbh that does sound like something you might do jimin

jimin: C H I G G A

yoongi: like not so much tae, because he's a lil bean, but you. [ tilts head ] mmmm yeah i can see it happening. you just have that look in your eye. that scammer look.

taehyung: [ to officers ] i want my lawyer.

taehyung: you haven't even showed us your warrant for our arrest. that's a little SCANDALOUS if you ask me.

police officer #2: [ shows warrant ]

taehyung: [ reads warrant ] hm. ok. carry on.

[[ camera follows jimin and taehyung getting dragged up the beach by the police officers. ]]

jimin: i'm too pretty to go to jail, tae!

taehyung: not with that bald patch you aren't

jimin: [ kicks taehyung face first into the sand ]

taehyung: bith!! [ cannot get up because of the handcuffs, muffling ] wait till i get back on my feet i'mma knock you so hard the blood flow will be cut off from your lips!

taehyung: so when they deflate tomorrow morning and you have paper cuts where your lips are supposed to be, know it was my ass who did it! that's right bitch, me! the binch who stole lipmas!

yoongi: HOSEOK!

[[ hoseok continues to argue with jungkook at the shore. ]]

yoongi: HO! SEOK!!

hoseok: [ read 11:21 a.m. ]

yoongi: JUNG FUCKIN HOSEOK I KNOW YOU HEAR ME CALLING YOU MOTHER FUCKER

hoseok: [ distantly ] FUCK YOU WANT

yoongi: JIMIN AND TAEHYUNG ARE GETTING ARRESTED

hoseok: [ squints to make sure he's really seeing taehyung and jimin's dumb asses in the cuffs ]

hoseok: [ muttering to self, storming up the beach angrily ]

hoseok: these fuckin dumb asses back at it again!

hoseok: [ plucks yoongi out of the ground like a radish, stands him up ]

[[ yoongi follows hoseok up the beach to the police car against which taehyung and jimin are leaned as they are cuffed and read their rights by the police officers. ]]

hoseok: officer, i'm sure you've got the wrong people. my friends have been with me the entire time and i can vouch that--

taehyung & jimin: [ against hood of car, smiling ] awww, we're your friends? ♡

hoseok:

hoseok: bitch!

hoseok: [ turns to officers ] they've been with me the entire time and we're only on vacation, i'm sure there's been a misunderstanding.

police officer #1: if there was any misunderstanding, which i doubt there is, it will be handled at the station.

hoseok: but you can't jUST--

police officer #2: [ gets into car ] ma'am, please settle down.

hoseok: mA'AM?

hoseok: MA'AM???!1!!??

jungkook: to be fair all that sunscreen and your haircut make you look like a middle aged white mother of three who adopted three asian sons.

hoseok: jungkook you are.... so lucky tht we were at the beach and i was in trunks today because let me teLL YOU IF I HAD MY FERRAGAMO BELT I WOULDA B--

yoongi: [ snickering, singing to jimin and taehyung as they get read their rights ] y'all caught a case, y'all caught a case, nanana boo boo you're going to jail~

hoseok: you want me to give you something to cry about too yoongi?

yoongi: NEVERMIND

yoongi: [ looks into camera ] once again i dare y'all to try my ass and try and quote nevermind. try me.

hoseok: look, officer, i'm sure we don't need to take this down to the station and--

police officer #1: skrt skrt!

[[ tires squeal down the road. ]]

jungkook: [ watching car in the distance ] so, what now hyung?

hoseok: to bail those idiots out. where else would we be going?

hoseok: [ shaking sand out of ass ] fucking christ i never get to stop spending on you ungrateful ass pubes

yoongi: thanks dad

hoseok: your only father here is god in heaven himself do not test me yoongi i'm not in the mood.

hoseok: grab my fucking purse you nits!

yoongi: [ scrambles to get his beach bag ]

hoseok: and somebody get namjoon!

jungkook: [ drags namjoon's lifeless body along the beach ]

hoseok: [ stomping down the road ] nobody ever fuCJING helps me in thIS hOUSE.

hoseok: i don't know how seokjin does it.

hoseok: whAT DOES A BITCH HAVE TO DO TO GET A TAXI AROUND HERE

[[ car screeches to a halt as hoseok crosses the street during a green light, honking dramatically. ]]

hoseok: BITCH HIT ME THEN! PAY MY SON'S COLLEGE TUITION!

[[ passerby gives him a weird look. ]]

hoseok: [ sprays her with febreeze ] anD FUCK YOU.

[[ cut to black. ]]

THIS EPISODE OF REAL HUSBANDS WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY:

MIZO MOSCATO™

"I GO MIZO."

[[ seokjin takes a sip of mizo. ]]

"WILL YOU?"

+

everyone was so petty today lmao

this chapter was 5k+ words and took six hours to type i better not hear no complaining about not updating for a month i sacrificed my sleep for yall lmao

it's all cool tho

stay turnt hoes

- c y a n