" S 1 E 1 0 : Z O O M  Z O O M "

-SEOKJIN-

[ sighs, pinches nose bridge ]

"so i'm home alone sitting on the couch right?"

-

seokjin: [ sits on couch in house robe and slippers with givenchy reading glasses on ]

-

"and i think to myself: 'self, this would be a great time, to bless the public with another selca.' "

seokjin: [ to self, contently ] this is the perfect time to bless my disciples with another selca.

-

"so i only take a selca or two."

-

seokjin: [ takes 400327420 selcas ]

-

"and i post it on the gram."

"by the way follow me on the gram @verseokce and on my business instagram @therealmizomoscato i accept business inquiries only for bookings please contact my agent via email [email protected]."

"but anyway i post my selca, right?"

-

seokjin: [ posts selca ]

"but then, i start to get all these notifications from followers commenting on my photo all at once. so i'm like ooooh i must be popular, but i look at my picture and they keep asking 'are you and hana splitting?', and 'who is this mystery woman seokjin oppa?' "

"so now i'm like well shit, i understand why they call her the mystery woman because bitch i got the same question as the rest of them! the mystery woman you speak of is a mystery to me too, the fuck? and do i look like velma to you?"

pd: "seokjin, do you think you could tone down the profanity a bit?"

"boy if you don't shut up with your razor tooth having ass and let me speak i'm gonna--"

-SEOKJIN-

pd: "alright, take two."

"back to my story, before i was so rudely interrupted."

[ side eyes ]

"naturally, i get on naver and search myself to see if i can get some clues as to... what is happening right now because i have no clue, what is going on in my own life."

-

seokjin: [ types his name into naver search bar ]

"and when i see the photos, with my so called 'mystery woman'..."

seokjin: [ gasps ]

"all i can think is:"

seokjin: no

seokjin: they

seokjin: didn't.

-NAMJOON-

"am i okay? physically? yes. emotionally? i'm bruised. but i did manage to get home from the wrath of yoonjin without any cuts or scratches, and i guess i'm grateful for that. this is minimal damage. so praying paid off in the end, i would like to think."

"then again, we're going to be in thailand for a week or so. no wives, no rules, more tequila. yoongi tends to get a little snappier at the mouth when he's drinking. even though seokjin won't be there, i don't think i'm going to get this lucky twice. no one is safe."

[ slowly shaking head ]

"no one is safe."

--

namjoon: [ scratches head, looking around bedroom ] yeobo, have you seen my light grey joggers with the silver zippers on the side?

eunmi: [ exhausted ] namjoon

eunmi: you've already packed

eunmi: your entire closet

eunmi: don't you think this is enough?

[[ camera pans out to a shot of namjoon and eunmi's master bedroom, completely covered in clothes. he has two luggages' worth of clothes already packed, and clearly, he isn't finished yet either. ]

namjoon: [ smiles jubilantly ] but honey

namjoon: this is only the 2015 winter collection! [ picking coat out of closet ]

eunmi: namjoon you're going to be in thailand what the fuck do you need a fur coat for!

namjoon: in case of a blizzard

eunmi: [ throws hands up ] of course. how could i have forgotten about blizzards.

namjoon: and i'm gonna need these [ presses remote control ]

[[ an entire sunglasses collection on shelves slides out from beneath the flooring ]]

namjoon: yanno, just in case we start getting sun flares or something.

eunmi: namjoon!

eunmi: this is too much!

namjoon: eunmi, what are you talking about?

eunmi: the first row alone has to be at least twelve pairs!

namjoon: it's closer to fifteen but i guess you're right.

eunmi: when did you get all of these sunglasses?? how did you hide them all from me??

namjoon: when you have money you can use it to buy many glasses duh.

namjoon: [ picks up teal aviators from shelf ] this is bernice. she's four months old and loves beach days.

namjoon: [ picks up clubmasters ] and vera is perfect for walking to the beach on beach days.

namjoon: [ points to round glasses ] this is lennon. he's good for coming back from the beach on beach days.

eunmi: [ points to self ] and this is eunmi. she's good for not giving a fuck about namjoon's sunglasses.

namjoon: [ gasps ]

namjoon: i don't know why you would say that in front of benjamin, like you know how he feels you know he's sensitive so why would you say that

eunmi: you got me so fucked up if you think you're bringing all of these glasses on your trip

namjoon: but i can't pick!

eunmi: fine, i'll pick for you.

eunmi: [ reaches over to shelf with a fake smile ]

eunmi: [ picks up the nearest two pairs from the shelf ]

eunmi: [ drops the glasses in namjoon's hand ]

namjoon: ughhhhh, really? you chose stevie? he's trash!

namjoon: like come on eunmi i was counting on you

eunmi: but namjoon

eunmi: namjoon you designed these yourself.

namjoon: ..... i need receipts or you're lying

eunmi: [ shows him the VIRGO logo ]

namjoon: [ looks up ]

[[ camera pans in ]]

1 1 : 2 7  P . M .

namjoon: [ rolls over in bed ]

eunmi: [ sleep ]

namjoon: [ wraps arms around eunmi, brings his mouth close to her ear ]

eunmi: [ sleep ]

namjoon: hey. you still up?

eunmi:

namjoon: eunmi?

eunmi:

namjoon: [ nudges her ] wake up eunmi.

namjoon: listen

namjoon: i need to know if i should pack vera or benjamin and like i know you chose stevie last time but i figured i could give you a second chance so wh--

eunmi: [ groggily ] i'm going to suffocate you with this pillow.

namjoon: we all die anyway.

eunmi: can you just shut up? i want to get some sleep in before i have to drop you off at the airport.

namjoon: okay.

namjoon: [ to self ] vera it is.

eunmi: [ camera "parks & rec" pans in ]

2 : 0 6 A . M .

jimin: [ gets out of taxi, disheveled and out of breath  ] oh shit

jimin: [ trips and hits ground with duffel bags in hand ] fRICK

jimin: [ gets up ] oh shit ohhhh shit ohhhhhh shit

jimin: [ runs while rolling luggage behind him, carrying louis vuitton duffel over his shoulder ]

taxi driver: sir, get back here! you didn't pay me!

jimin: [ runs ] and germany promised not to invade czechoslovakia! but look what happened!

jimin: [ slows down, to self ] okay, just gotta find the luggage check

jimin: [ looks around ] i juuuust gotta find the luggage check

jimin: [ rhythmically ] the lug-gage check

jimin: [ raps ] the lug the lug the lug-gage check the [ adding beatboxes between beats ] the lug the lug-gage check gotta, gotta find the luggage check don't break ya neck, it's the luggage check!

jimin: mixtape drops on the cinco de mayonnaise 2k16 hoes. you already know it's about to be lit fuego.

four year old bystander: god knows when you're lying.

jimin: don't you have a juice box to go drink or something?

four year old bystander: don't you have a boob to go suck or something, you big baby?

jimin: [ pops collar, smiles and blushes ] well i mean technically haha if you know whamsayin

four year old: you're weird

jimin: your body hasn't grown into proportion with your head yet, so your opinion is invalid.

four year old: at least i have an excuse to be tiny. but why are you so small, mister?

mother: don't say that! that's not polite!

jimin: [ to mother ] oh, it's fine. i get that a lot anyway.

jimin: [ gives him a look that says "it isn't fine you little shit gimme fourteen more years and it'll be legal for me to whoop that flat ass of yours in public without catching a case giVE ME FOURTEEN YEARS I SWEAR TO JISOOS BRUH" ]

-JIMIN-

"aahhhh, i'm so glad i don't have kids yet. i mean i might have a couple after tonight though. turns out those trojans can't hold me back."

"@soohyun."

[ winks ]

[[ yoongi walks onto the set ]]

"do you mind? i'm kinda in the middle of-- [ gets pushed out of seat by yoongi ]

-YOONGI-

y:"i, min yoongi of daegu, refuse to believe that park jimin has touched his penis to any part of park soohyun's vagina in the last twenty four hours."

j:"yo this is my shoot though."

y: [ pushes him back down ] "not anymore. anyway, shut up, you're distracting me."

[ sits back down and sighs ]

[[ camera pans in ]]

"what was i talking about."

--

jimin: [ to camera ] okie dokie now that we made it through the luggage check,

cameraman: the lug the lug lug lug lug-gage check--

jimin: all i gotta do is security, and we're clear to board from there hopefully! i think we made it through that checkpoint relatively quick it only took us...

jimin: [ looks at watch ]

jimin: [ looks up at the camera, smiles ]

cameraman: is you good?

jimin: it's 2:35 a.m.

cameraman: ... doesn't the flight leave at 3?

jimin: [ smiles ]

jimin: [ looks over shoulder at the security lines ]

[[ camera pans unsteadily to the mile long security lines ]]

jimin: [ smiles, through teeth ] think this is nice i think this is great :)

M E A N W H I L E

taehyung: [ slouched in waiting area chair ] where's jimin?

jungkook: [ on phone ] do i look like jimin's keeper? i don't know where he is.

jungkook: bitch

jungkook: i hate you.

taehyung: bitch have a snickers. you get a bit reckless with your attitude, like i won't check you, when you're hungry.

jungkook: i'm sorry. i'm just really tired. i'm not used to being up at this time of morning. [ yawns ]

hoseok: [ side eyes jungkook ] but you're used to jogging at sunrise though right?

jungkook: yeah but that's diff--

hoseok: [ rolls eyes ] okay.

hoseok: anyway,

hoseok: i think jimin might be in the airport. he's gotta be here somewhere.

taehyung: but how do you know that?

hoseok: trust me.

hoseok: i know.

[[ flashback ]]

jimin: [ on the other end of the city in his penthouse apartment having minor stomach pains ]

hoseok: [ sleeping in his bed beside chaeun ]

hoseok: [ suddenly sits up, puts hand to chest ]

hoseok: something's not right.

--

namjoon: listen, all i know is he better get here before takeoff or he's just about sold his edges to the devil, i mean seokjin.

jungkook: [ tuts tongue ] and that's a damn shame. he just went back to brunette too.

taehyung: brunette jimin is the best jimin.

hoseok: praise.

jungkook: i wonder what's holding him up though.

gospel choir: stay in your laaaaaaaaane 🎶

choir: stop swerving!

jimin: [ immediately in front of the choir on the security line ]

lead singer, lynesha: come on now! stay in your

choir: laaaaaaaane

choir: stop swerving [ swerve motion ]

lynesha: stay in your--

jimin: [ in english, rolls eyes ] uh, escuze meeeeee

jimin: hello!

jimin: you are very loud!

jimin: time is 2:25 in the morning! i want to sleep! i wanna sleep!

jimin: so can you PLEASE not sing here?

lynesha: can we shut up?

lynesha: well lemme tell you something,

choir: [ harmonizes ] hell naw! to da naw naw naw, heeelll to naw! hell to da nawww, to da naw naw naw naw naw hell to da naw! hell naw! to da naw naw naw, hellllllll to da naw!

jimin: B R U H

taehyung: hopefully he doesn't miss the flight.

namjoon: are you sure he's okay?

hoseok: yes i'm sure bitch

jungkook: [ sings ] that's so hoseok

jungkook: it's the future he can see

jungkook: that's so hoseok

jungkook: so mysterious to me

jungkook: yeahhh~

hoseok: [ smiles] yup that's--

jungkook: [ still running the note ] yeah yeah yeahhhh~

jungkook: yEAAAAH eyah yeahayeha yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH~

hoseok: yup that's me

jungkook: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

hoseok: BITCH I SAID ITS ME SHUT UP

jungkook:

hoseok: DAMN LIKE YOU ALWAYS PLAYING ITS THREE AM GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITCHA PING PONG HEAD ASS AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE BOY I SWEA--

[[ cut to jimin exiting the security check with lynesha and the choir. one arm is around her shoulder, and the other holds a tambourine. ]]

lynesha: [ raps ] I LUH GOD

jimin: [ points to lynesha ] YOU DON LUH GOD?

jimin: WHAT'S WRONG WITCHU?!

choir: [ dabs ]

bambam, in the distance:

jimin: [ settles down ] hahahaha wait what time is it?

lynesha: if my watch ain't wrong it is.... 2:57, jimmy

jimin: GOTTA BLAST

[[ jimmy neutron theme starts playing. jimin runs out of the security area, struggling to put his shoes and belt back on. the clothes fall out of his duffel bag, he quickly stuffs them back in and keeps it pushing. the camera man behind him, gets this all on film, and zooms in on his ass in his grey sweatpants. jimin stops in the plaza of the airport and pulls his ticket out of his pocket to read it. ]]

jimin: [ out of breath ] my boarding pass says gate 42A.

jimin: [ looks around, then back at the camera with a smile ] okay, this shouldn't be hard!

jimin: [ points right ] gates 1 through 18 are that way

jimin: ...gates 19 through 37 are that way [ points behind him ]

jimin: ah, there it is. gates 38 to 55 are right over there.

jimin: [ walks while speaking to camera ] i've been to this airport before it should only be a calm, five minutes walk from here.

jimin: i think i'm gonna make it.

announcer: last call for boarding for flight 5994 to phuket, thailand.

jimin: [ sprints down hall with louis vuitton duffel, screeching ]

jimin: dasi run hoe!

camera man: [ runs a 500m to keep up ]

jimin: oh shit oh shit oooohhhh shiteu !!

jimin: [ trips and rolls, gets back up ] FRICK

jimin: [ panting ] jisoos why wasn't i born usain bolt!

god: new phone who dis

[[ time lapse of jimin running and tripping three more times before he boards ]]

jimin: [ enters plane, hoarsely ] I'm HERE I maDE IT

jimin: [ pushes down the aisle, to jungkook ] move bitch

jimin: [ to the four year old in his seat ] also fuck you

yoongi: [ is already curl up into ball in his seat because he smol ]

jimin: [ stops at yoongi ]

jimin: tbh i see you around school sometimes and ur cool rate: 9

hoseok: [ folds newspaper ] well, well, well, if it ain't park jim jam.

namjoon: it's about time!

taehyung: what took you so long??? and why do you smell like church and sweat???

jimin: WELLL

[[ the entire episode rewinds to jimin getting out of the taxi and plays in fast forward again as jimin explains it ]]

jimin: and that's how i got these scars.

yoongi: who cares about your damn scars, look at all deez chain

taehyung: shut up yoongi

yoongi: [ tries to sound hard ] fuck you taehyung you fuck ass bitch i hate you

also yoongi: [ blanket cocoon game is strong as hell ]

jimin: [ sits between hoseok and yoongi ] i know. i had a long day too, yoongi.

namjoon: well, [ pats jimin on shoulder ] at least you'll sleep like a baby for the next four hours.

jimin: yeah, i will. [ shuts eyes ]

[[ microphone static ]]

announcer: hello, this is your captain speaking informing you that we will be experiencing delays due to over-concentrated air traffic in the zone. please standby until further notice.

jimin: [ gets out of seat ]

hoseok: jimin

hoseok: jimin what are you doing

jimin: [ lays down on back in the middle of the aisle ]

jimin: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!

captain: thank you for flying air thailand.

+

lmao why do you guys even still like this shit

i had a hard week. how was yours?

- c y a n