A/N go read again ''funeral'', so you can understand this o.s. better

It's been seven months, Rosie. Twenty-four fucking weeks without you. They said time helps and that things get better. They said they could help me move on and in their opinion, I look like I had a couple good days. Fuck them. A couple good days. The good days are gone, just like you. Just like my freaking heart. I can't sleep more than four hours and I've been struggling with the consequences of sleep deprivation. It sucks. I can't sleep, but when I close my eyes I see you. I see your smile, then I see you on the ground, then you're calling my name, then everyone is around us and someone is yelling to call 911. I hate you. I hate your absence, I hate the fact that you can't even tell me to fuck off. I hate you so damn much that I can't stand the fact that I love you more than I ever loved myself. I miss you, can you understand that? Why can't we just turn back time? I promise you I will never leave you alone in that cafeteria ever again. I'll wait for you for three hours if it's necessary. I want you back. Please, please, please come back. I need you. We need you. Please. I promise you everything will be fine, I'll right here. I can take your hand if you're scared, dry your tears. I can be what the hell you want. I don't care. I want you here, in my arms, in my house. In my fucking life. You're such a selfish bitch, you know? You just came to life, made us fall for you, made us love you with every gram of our soul and then? Then you find funny leaving us all and die. I'm blaming you, so what? Do you think I am wrong? Hell yes, I am. But who cares. Who cares if I insult you and you're not here to fucking punch me in the face and yell at me because I am a mean bastard that doesn't know what to do with his life. I can't do this anymore. I can't act like everything is fine like I'm not dead inside like you never existed. I can't lie to myself anymore. Rosie. Little Bird. Where are you? Why can't I hold you? Why can't I kiss your cheeks and make fun of your sweet expressions? Why? Why did you have to leave so soon? Didn't you like our world? You were a shooting star, shining so bright, but you burned out so damn fast. I didn't even get the chance to give you my wishes. What's worth saying so now? Why should I spend my time here, in front of your stupid picture on your stupid grave? I hate it. This photo is ugly as fuck, I hate it. And I hate it because I took it and I can't laugh at you for your stupid face. I can't tell you that I love you. I miss you. I fucking miss you. Rosie, please. You left me here, with all the memories, with this idea of you, this dream of you that was built to last. To be part of my future, of me. I don't wanna wait. I don't wanna wait for my phone to ring and for your name to pop up on the screen. I don't wanna wait for the next time I'll fall apart in front of our memories, in front of my car radio singing your songs. The first time I heard Little Bird after your... after you left, I had a fucking panic attack. I thought I was about to die and you know what it felt like? It felt like it was right. It felt like I was finally going to see you again. At first, I thought ''Wait for me, Little Bird. I'm coming, you're not gonna be alone''. Then Rachel helped me out. I felt guilty. I felt like a piece of shit because I was still breathing and you were cold and dead because of me. It's all my fault. It hurts, you know? It hurts to remind you, to listen to your voice on the phone. To see you laugh through a screen because that's all I'm left. But it's a beautiful pain when I remember the good times. It makes me feel like I didn't completely fail. I made you happy, somehow, at some point. Maybe... damn, you loved me. You were in love with me and I didn't know it. I wish I hugged you a few times more. I wish I could let go of this heartache, but it's the only thing that keeps me alive. If I suffer, you're going to be alive in my heart. If I keep on reminding myself how much it hurts, I'm not gonna forget. I don't wanna forget. I can't remember how you smelled. I tried to get your clothes close to my nose, but you vanished in the air. Do you remember my black hoodie, the one you stole? I haven't worn it since your death. I keep it close to me when I fall asleep. I feel like it makes me a little closer to you. Sometimes I need to hold onto our little moments, when you were next to me, when you were weak and strong and beautiful and healthy, sick, smiling or crying. And every time I think about our moments, I need to hold back the tears because I fall apart and I find it hard to breathe. You're not even alive and you're ripping me apart. You always had such a huge influence in my life. How is it where you are? I hope Heaven is how you always thought. I hope and pray that you're happy now, even if you're not with us, even if I don't know if you can feel any kind of emotion. Please, if you're listening, don't look back. Don't look at us, don't think about what you left here. We... fuck all my good intentions, we're all fucked up and destroyed. But somehow, we manage to live day by day. I'm sure you're resting with the angels now, you've always been one of them. With all your flaws, all your lows, all the time that you didn't feel worth it or enough. You were an angel. You came into my life and I never felt alone, I never felt... I never felt like I was worth being left behind. Even when it was hard to deal with my shit, you were there. I should go now. I love you, Rosie. Always done, always will.

I dry my tears and take a deep breath before turning my back to her smiling picture. I will always love her. I will always miss her. But now it's time to do what she would ask me to. Start to live again. Do the things I love. She'll always be with me, in my heart and on my skin. I look at my arm. Her handwriting is printed on my skin.

I love you, nerd 

I love you too, you bitchy princess.