Bokuto stared at his phone, sighing. The air had grown bitter and cold around him and he was freezing. Why would Akaashi ever suggest breakfast together when it was outside?

He looked around and spotted Akaashi walking over, holding a lunch bag and his phone. Bokuto straightened up. His concern rose as he saw the other male come closer, trembling. Akaashi's eyes were full of tears.

Bokuto hurried to him, unable to stay mad at him. "Akaashi? What's going on? Are you okay?"

Akaashi sniffed and wiped away his tears. "I feel so embarrassed. I should not have gotten drunk that night and called you. I am so sorry."

Bokuto stared before nodding. "It's okay."

Akaashi shook his head. "It's really not. I am very sorry for acting like a fool. Especially in front of you."

"Akaashi, it's fine."

"Kuroo told me you were mad at me. I know that it's not fine."

Bokuto froze. "Kuroo told you?"

"He did. He told me to leave you alone but I feel awful," Akaashi stated. He gritted his teeth, pain evident on his face.

"God damn it!" Bokuto cursed. He looked at Akaashi's swollen cheek and huffed. "The building is open right now. Do you want to go there and talk to Kuroo about this?"

"I'd like to talk to you."

Bokuto tensed. "Akaashi, no offense whatsoever, but I don't want to talk to you. Your apology is sweet and I accept it but it's a little late."

Akaashi tensed now, biting his lip. "Bokuto-san-"

"I've asked you before not to be so formal with my name."

"Right, I apologize. But you do realize-"

Bokuto turned away. "Go to class Akaashi."

Akaashi took a deep breath. "I know that you like me!"

Passerby stopped in their tracks, intrigued. The world seemed to stop spinning as Bouto turned on his heel and stared over his shoulder. "Excuse me?"

Akaashi walked closer. "I know that you like me. Yamaguchi told me. Sugawara told me how kind you were to me that night. I may not feel the same, but I'd still like to be friends with you. You still mean a lot to me."

Bokuto took a deep breath and held the insides of his pockets. He had to be calm. He couldn't explode on Akaashi like this.

"I'm sorry if I led you on or something for you to keep pursuing me like this but I would love to still be friends with you, Bokuto-san."

Bokuto took in another shuddering breath. He tried another to calm himself but nothing was working. He closed his eyes and counted to ten, praying Akaashi would disappear when he opened his eyes. His eyes opened and he saw the broken stare of pity and prayed to God that Akaashi never looked at him like that again. Everyone looked at him like that.

"Bokuto-san?"

"Akaashi, I want you to turn around and go back to school. You can't be my friend."

Akaashi's stare of pity turned to pure confusion. "Why?"

"Because," Bokuto started. He released his pockets, allowing his slight smile that he always wore to drop for once. "I love you Akaashi. And I will not torture myself chasing after you while you remain my friend. I just won't do it."

"How can you love me?" Akaashi questioned, scoffing.

"I know that your favorite color is purple, that you hate the smell of roses, and that you don't enjoy your job. You want to become an artist one day. I know the way your skin feels and that your eyes are blue when you're happy and gray when you're sad. I know that you are scared of dying alone because your mom and dad are divorced," Bokuto took a deep breath. "And so are your grandparents. And aunts and uncles. You want to dance in the rain and you love breakfast onigiri because it's the only thing you eat for lunch. You create art when you're bored and never relax. You have morning classes in English and Biology. You bite your nails and rock on your feet when you're nervous. And you don't love me, which makes me want you even more."

Akaashi stared, his breath taken from his lungs.

Bokuto gulped. "Oh, and you have undiagnosed anxiety."

Akaashi blinked away his tears. "Bokuto..."

"I'm not mad at you for not loving me," Bokuto whispered. "I'm just mad you never opened your stupid, selfish heart." Bokuto turned, walking away.

Akaashi stood still, his eyes spilling tears onto his cold cheeks. He wanted Bokuto to turn around. He wanted to explain to him that he hadn't meant to hurt him. He shouldn't have let Bokuto help him with that stupid dating app. He should have said that he was sorry. Something. Anything was better than watching his back as he walked away.

Akaashi took a step, then another. Bokuto was so far away and the crowd was covering him. He needed to see those golden eyes. He wanted to see him smile. Wanted him to bring him a cup of coffee in the morning and hold him close in the bathroom again. Have his warm hand on his chest as he coughed.

He took a trembling breath.

Bokuto was why he couldn't do anything. He was so focused lately on Bokuto that he hadn't realized how he felt.

Akaashi broke into a sprint, pushing past people as he ran. "Bokuto!"

Bokuto sighed, turning. His eyes were dark and he no longer had joy in his eyes when Akaashi was heading towards him. His eyes widened though and he braced.

Akaashi yelled again, never regretting it as pain radiated in his jaw. "Kotarou!"

Bokuto opened his arms, reaching for him and grabbing him as he got closer. "Akaashi?! Akaashi what the hell?!"

"I'm sorry! God, I'm so sorry!"

Bokuto patted his back gently, looking around for somewhere to go as Akaashi sobbed against his chest. He couldn't just stand on this busy sidewalk. He grabbed Akaashi's hand, dragging him into a restaurant and heading to the bathroom. He placed him in front of the sinks and grabbed toilet paper before soaking it in cold water from the sinks.

He wiped Akaashi's tears, his own tears returning. "Breathe. Breathe Akaashi. Do you have an inhaler on you?"

Akaashi shook his head, coughing. He grabbed Bokuto, his chest heaving. "Help. I can't-"

Bokuto grabbed his face and pressed their foreheads together. "Akaashi. Put your hands on my chest and breathe."

Akaashi slid his hands under Bokuto's shirt and rested his hands against the skin. Bokuto took a deep breath and Akaashi followed. He would suffocate. "Bokuto- Kotarou- please I'm so sorry! I am so sorry!"

"Keiji," Bokuto cooed softly. "Breathe. Feel my chest? How warm it is and how slow my heart is?"

Akaashi nodded, dizzy from the wave of anxiety sweeping over him. He couldn't breathe still. His chest ached and his jaw- oh God his jaw felt like it was splitting in half.

Bokuto tangled his hand in Akaashi's hair and rubbed his scalp. "Shhhh, shhhh. I am not mad. There is no reason to be scared. You need to think over things, okay?"

"I want you," Akaashi choked out.

Bokuto pulled away, eyes brimming with worry. He sighed. "Akaashi, no. You can't handle yourself right now, much less me."

"I can handle it. All of it."

Bokuto shook his head. "You need to go home and rest, Akaashi. You need time. What I said was a lot. Besides, I have someone else I'm talking to and no offense, but they are actually concerned for my well being. I'll take you home and put you back in bed but you need to breathe first."

Akaashi shook his head. "Please."

"No," Bokuto stated firmly. He eased Akaashi away from himself before taking his hand in his. "Come on, show me the way to your apartment."

Akaashi nodded weakly before keading Bokuto to his apartment complex. Bokuto set him into bed and covered him up. Akaashi stared at his ceiling and sighed shakily. Bokuto was on his knees by the bed, watching.

"Akaashi," he whispered. Akaashi looked up, tearing up. Bokuto wiped away his tears and sighed. "You're okay, I promise. You will find love. Your head is not right. You have to focus on yourself before loving someone else."

Akaashi just wanted Bokuto. The adrenaline from earlier had run out and he was in so much pain he could throw up. It was radiating throughout his skull. He couldn't keep doing this. The chasing, the confusion.

Bokuto patted his chest and stood, his knees popping as he did so. He shut off the light and headed to work, praying for a normal day without Yamaguchi pestering him about his crush.

*****

"The caller you are trying to reach is unavailable. Please try again-"

Akaashi tossed his phone down, hitting the button to hang up. Daichi eyed him. "Aren't you supposed to be doing homework? Who are you trying to call?"

"Bokuto," Akaashi slurred. His speech had gotten worse over the past few days and he was barely able to open his mouth to even eat because of the pain.

Sugawara looked up from the couch and sighed. "Keiji, come on man. You should just leave the poor guy alone."

Akaashi stared at the older male before whining. It was all he could manage to do at this point with his mouth stuck like this.

Sugawara stood before sitting next to Akaashi on the floor. He wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "Entertain someone else. Try that guy on LoveHero. He's sweet."

Akaashi went to the app on his phone and typed a quick greeting before setting his phone back down. His phone buzzed a second later and he smiled.

Anonymous:
OMG you have no clue how happy I am that you're texting me. How have you been?

Me:
I haven't been all that great if I'm being honest. What about you though? Have you been okay?

Anonymous:
Oh damn I'm sorry...

I haven't been the greatest either. I can feel myself getting worse and it sucks ass but hey, hey, hey!!! Why worry!

Me:
You should focus on your mental health if I'm being honest. Are you sure you're ready to be talking to someone?

Anonymous:
Gotta get over him somehow. Are you free on Christmas Eve? I have no one to hang out w and you would be perfect

Akaashi looked at Sugawara. The other male nodded. "Romantic! Plus then I can give Daichi a real present while you're out."

Daichi grimaced. "Suga..."

Sugawara stuck out his tongue before turning to Akaashi again. "Just say yes. You won't regret it this time... hopefully."

Akaashi nodded and replied back with a confirmation. He couldn't shrug off the awful feeling that he was betraying Bokuto though. This love was not gentle, it was sudden and unexpected. He wanted to chase after it but that included letting someone in.

Bokuto was already in though. He was always there.

Akaashi raised a hand to his mouth and bit off part of his thumbnail. If Bokuto was in this then he needed to be, too.