Chapter 19: Wherein Things Go "Squeak" In The Night

I don't want to remember it. Pain? You couldn't really call it pain. Isn't pain something you feel with your body? The body was in the way, so yes, there might also have been bodily pain, and later the burn marks on my back reminded me that my body was there. But it went far beyond that. It's impossible to describe, because it cannot be compared to anything. As a boy and also later in life, I've suffered horrible things: anguish, loneliness, desperation, helplessness and failure. Yet those endless moments still burn in my memory as the worst experience of my life.

I will not attempt delve into that nightmare, I will only say this; I can see why some Wielders do not survive the experience. I can see why some cannot retain their humanity after it. I can fully understand why this punishment is known to be worse than death.

Later, how long later? I don't know. Minutes? Hours? Days? I woke to find myself in darkness, weeping bitterly. Too weak to think, too weak to move, too weak almost to breathe.

I was barely aware; I couldn't remember who I was. The loss of awareness and identity might have been liberating, but instead it was terrifying. Frightening like only a nightmare could be. I felt fear without even knowing what fear was, because in that time I forgot all language.

Something crawled against me in the darkness. It was soft and warm and familiar, it became my anchor, I latched onto it with my mind.

I knew what it was. I knew who it was. Someone dear, someone good. A dim light in this forsaken darkness

A rat.

It nuzzled me softly, greeting me as an old friend. Something unspoken hovered in the air, a confirmation of sorts. Then the rat's colony came, because they knew that it was safe to approach. They crowded around me, pressing their bodies to me, wrapping me in warmth, trying to comfort me.

"Long time no squeak," one rat said, and the rest laughed. I was too weak to laugh. Or rather, I didn't know how to.

"Are you coming, Human Rat?" they asked.

I could understand the meaning, because rats speak with meaning first, language second.

"You look ill."

I was still weeping, unable to stop, as if the oblivion in my soul could only be communicated by tears.

"Come play with us."

"The night is still miles long."

"We can feast in the pantry."

"And play tricks on the cats."

"We will look after you."

"Come with us, Human Rat."

I wanted to; I wanted to go with them, to stay with them forever. To be far away from humans, far from those who could cause such terrible things. I wanted to be one of them, completely, entirely. I wanted to have them surround me, a family of friends. Together with them, I could heal the loneliness in my heart. But I didn't know how to turn into a rat again, and I didn't know how to tell them.

They understood, my clever little brothers and sisters who knew me so well. They simply sensed my willingness. Several of them nipped me gently, I felt the darkness open its welcoming arms and embrace me.

Everything suddenly came back to focus. I licked my front paws and scratched at my big ears, swished my tail, twitched my whiskers. I could now hear all the sounds in the palace happening all about me, along with the rapidly beating hearts of my brothers and sisters. After a moment they asked me if I was ready to go.

Happy and strong, together with them, I went to explore the night.