Donatello stared at his brother, wondering if the tumor had already taken sense of judgment from him. Had Raph really just said that? That he didn't want Don to perform the surgery that could save his life? The genius turtle had to shake his head before he finally managed to find the words to speak.

"What? You don't want me to operate on you? Are you mad? Raph you could die if I don't do anything!"

"I know!" Raph snorted. "Ya think I don't? Of course I know I can die, brainiac. But I also know that Leo was the one who pushed you to do this." Raph's eyes narrowed as he stared at his brother, waiting to see how Don would react to the blunt statement. As he had predicted, his brother's eyes widened and he shook his head furiously.

"No, of course he didn't!" Don said quickly, trying to defend Leo, "He didn't push me into this: I made the choice myself! I-I wouldn't just leave you to die, right?" The stutter in the genius's voice quickly gave him away. Raph rolled his eyes with a small grunt, something that made Don stop his rambling to furrow his brows, "What?"

"You're such a bad liar, you know that?" Raph sighed heavily and leaned forward on the chair, "I know he pushed you into this - don't interrupt me!" He warned as Don opened his mouth, "Ya can deny it as much as you want to, but I know our fearless leader as well as you do. Listen, Donnie: I don't want you to operate on me if you're gonna blame yourself if somethin' goes wrong."

Raph trailed off for a moment, but began speaking again before Don had the chance to open his mouth,

"I've thought about it a lot, and I know there's a chance that I might die...And I don't wanna go dying and then have to watch you blaming yourself for it! Death should be peaceful, right?" The genius nodded carefully, still not seeing where Raph were going with this conversation, "I know you just as well as I know Leo: We're brothers, for Pete's sake! And if ya don't feel confident about doin' this, if you're going to blame yourself if somethin' goes wrong, then I don't want ya to even touch me."

Silence fell between the brothers for endless moments before Don began speaking, his voice shaking slightly,

"It's just...it will be my fault... I will be the one holding the knife, I'll be the one trying to save your life." He whispered, looking at his brother with his brown eyes finally betraying the fear he hadn't shown to his father and brothers. Raph gave him a crooked smile but shook his head,

"Exactly Don: You'll be the one tryin' to save my life, not tryin' to kill me. You have to realize the difference."

"But if I don't succeed, you'll die! And it will be my fault, because I couldn't save you!" Desperation was making its way into Don's voice as he finished.

"No, it won't be your fault. It'll be your fault if you stuck the knife into my brain with the intention of killing me. Then it will be your fault when I die. But as long as your intention is to save me, if I die, it will be life's fault," Raph shrugged his shoulders with a slight sigh, "Or God's, or Fate's, or whoever rules this freakin' planet...What I'm tryin' to say is that I want be able to die without bein' afraid that someone's gonna be blamin' themselves. I don't even want Leo to blame himself, and that's a tall order to fill."

Don chuckled a bit, and Raph smiled, seeing revealed glimpses of the brother he knew and loved behind that mask of fear. He went on, "So, to sum it up, if you're goin' to bawl your eyes out, ignore everythin' I've said and, I dunno, kill yourself because ya feel that my death was your fault, then I don't want you to do so much as come near me with an operation knife, alright?"

Raph stared at his brother, trying to figure out what was going on in that big brain of his. Then he saw a little motion from his brother, and the silence was cut.

"I... I guess you're right." Don shrugged his shoulders with a small smile, "I-I'll do it, then. I want to operate on you...I want to give you every single chance of survival I can."

"Hell yeah you do!" Raph said and chuckled, "But without the blaming part, right?"

Don nodded, leaning back on the chair with a sigh, "Yeah, without the blaming part."

"That's my bro!" It was a relief for Raph to hear Don's promise, even though the hot-tempered turtle knew he had to keep an eye on his brother. Don had always been the kind of person who said one thing but, then changed his mind and did something different only moments later.

Raph got up from his chair, feeling his headache grow worse with the movement, "Now I'm off to bed, if ya need someone to punch some sense into you, ya know where to find me."

He moved for the exit, and could hear Don's sigh of relief as some of the weight was lifted from shoulders, if only a bit.

Raph closed his eyes for a few moments, trying to calm the inner turmoil he had been hiding. No, he would not accept death so easily, but he also refused to deny it if it reached up and grabbed him. For his father's sake, for Leo's sake, for Don's sake and for Mikey's sake, he would go without regret, he would pass with calmness, and a smile on his lips, knowing he had lived a life worth his weight in gold.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

2 years and 2 months later

The snow fell slowly over Manhattan; a white coat already covered most of the buildings and streets around New York City. Christmas was approaching fast, you could hear carols coming from every direction, and people were all happier now than they would be any other time of the year. It was truly a marvelous season, to see how a little snow, a tree, and some presents could change people so drastically. But Don couldn't find the spirit of Christmas within him; he didn't even know where to look for it. He just sat on one of the city roof-tops and stared at the light show that always came around during Christmas in Manhattan.

The cold had already gotten to the turtle, him being cold blooded, after all, but he didn't move an inch. He was just sitting there. Sitting, staring, and remembering... Remembering a day two years ago...

It had taken him nearly two months to prepare himself and Raph for the operation, two months of researching, experimenting, and putting together new gadgets that could help him during the procedure. He had barely left the lab to get sleep, and eat dinner. Only Raph could manage to get him away from the darkness and into the light, urging him to socialize a bit with his family, the ones he saw so rarely those days.

That was until one day, when Raph had his first cramp. Donatello could still remember the fear in him when he watched as Raph stopped dead in his tracks, his amber eyes filling with alarm and pain. Luckily, it had passed without inflicting any damage to Raph, but that was the last time Don took a break. He practically started living in his lab, only resting when his body shut down on him, his head using the keyboard as pillow. Everyone began worrying for Don, but not as much as they worried for Raph, who had three more cramps before the operation.

Then the day came, the day for the operation. It was a warm December day. Don could remember anything more than that. It was like a black out in his mind; he could only recall small fragments, like the smell of attempted sterilization, the sight of blood, and the feeling of cutting into something so important, so filled with life.

Of course it was a stupid idea of doing an operation in the sewers, Don always knew that. The sewer was impossible to ever get as clean as a hospital room, but he still did it. He had still done it, and he had found the tumor. He remembered thanking God afterward, thanking him for letting him find the tumor with only two-months-research worth of a guess leading his knife. He removed it and closed Raph up, then immediately hurried away to test the tumor.

It was cancer...

But it wasn't as bad as it it could have been: Don had given it a grade 2 out of 5 in severity, which meant Raph had a great chance of full recovery. The news had relieved Leo, Mikey, and their father, but not Donatello. The genius couldn't trust his own diagnose; he wasn't educated in this kind of thing, the diagnostic was only him guessing again. But Don didn't let the others see his uncertainty, instead he stayed near Raph's side, begging and praying that he would wake up. Begging that he hadn't messed up...

Don was suddenly taken away from his thoughts when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He slowly glanced over his back, and his brown eyes met amber ones. Don gave up a small smile and nodded a bit to greet the red masked turtle.

"Hey, Raph." He said, his breath leaving a cloud of fog. Raph smiled and nodded as an answer before he sat down next to the genius, gazing at the city in front of them. "Leo told you where to find me, didn't he?" The purple masked turtle questioned. Raph nodded in response, and gave him a look that clearly said;

"Did you really have to ask?"

The silence... Don would probably never get used to it, the silence from Raph. It scared him to know that he was never going to hear that thick, heavy Brooklyn accent again. He could still remember how pained Raph had looked, right after he had woken up and tried to talk for the first time, only to find himself unable to form the words he wanted so badly to say. In the beginning, Don had just blamed the drugs.

But months soon passed and Raph slowly regained his strength, his tremendous power soon returned, but no words left his mouth. And he had accepted it, to everyone's surprise. Surely there were times where his face would be painted with signs of irritation and frustration, but he had never complained, or looked at Don with accusation and anger in his eyes...But Don hated that. He would rather have Raph blaming him, because right now he didn't know what Raph thought of him.

But if you oversaw Raph's muteness, the whole procedure had been a success, at least from what Don could remember. They had, after Raph had awoken, strayed from the path of ninja and used their skills to steal medicine for their brother. Even though they kept reminding themselves that it was for the sake of their brother, no one could deny the guilt that filled their chest. They were ninjas that fought for the people of this city, and yet they had robbed them. But to see Raph now, every movement and reflex as good as it was before the sickness, it left them all with a feeling of gratitude and reassurance.

Two years had passed and at their latest check-up everything was going fine, no new tumor of cancer within sight.

Don felt Raph's elbow nudge his arm, and he glanced over to his brother to see him staring with a questioning look on his face. The genius turtle sighed and shrugged his shoulders; it was still surprising to him how well they all could read Raph.

"I don't know what I'm thinking of." He admitted as he started to swing his legs, brushing off some snow from the roof-top, "I guess I'm remembering some old days." He could hear a weak grunt from Raph; one of the few sounds his brother still could make, "I know, I know... But I can't help it... I know what I promised you before the operation, but it's been hard..."

The genius blinked away the new tears from his eyes and pulled the scarf around his neck tighter; the cold was slicing down to his very bones. Another grunt from Raph made Don look over, to see a pressing expression on his brother's face. Donatello furrowed his brows and twisted his body to his right, so he could face the hot-headed turtle better.

"About not blaming myself, don't you remember?" Raph's face lightened up in remembrance, and he nodded for Donatello to continue, "I'm really happy that the operation went well, and that you're perfectly fine...your body, I mean. But, still... How can you keep looking at me like that, like I've done nothing wrong?"

The question made Raph shrug his shoulders nonchalantly, as if saying; "I don't know what you're talking about." That gesture made Don groan loudly and roll his eyes.

"You know what I'm talking about. I'm the reason to why you can't talk!" He almost shouted, having to take a moment to calm himself and control his guilt, "You can't talk, you can't form words, or sentences. You can't tell me how you feel without using a pen and paper, you can't even ask for something as simple as the remote, and it's my fault! I knew it was a stupid idea, I knew I would do something wrong. I should have known I was at the speech region of the brain, I should've known!"

Don didn't notice how calm Raph looked as he went off, blaming himself. His amber eyes regarded his brother with compassion and pity, Raph wanted to calm his brother with his voice, but it was impossible. Donatello continued to talk until he had emptied himself of all the feelings that dwelled inside. The genius finally calmed down enough to where he fell silent. Raph took that chance to put his hand on his brother's shoulder, trying to meet Don's gaze. But the turtle looked stubbornly away, refusing to look his brother in the eyes.

"Why... Why don't you blame me?" After time, Don looked up, finally looking into Raphael's eyes with desperation welled up behind them.

Raph let his hand slide from Don's shoulder and looked down at the concrete of the roof-top. His finger started to draw letters in the snow, letters that soon became a sentence. When he was done, Don stared at the sentence, and felt tears wet his eyes. He looked up at Raph, who was smiling at him, and unable to stop himself, the genius threw his arms around Raph, sobbing loudly.

As he cried, Don could feel Raph embracing him, comforting him without him being embarrassed. Maybe the operation changed more than one thing about Raph. Maybe it gave him the ability to show compassion in a different way; the only thing Don was glad for.

As the brothers held each other, a cold wind swept by, erasing the words in the snow;

BECAUSE I'M ALIVE

Raph was alive. He still could still fight the Foot with his brothers, he still could tease Mikey in his own, special way, he could still make sure Don got a proper meal when he was locked up in his lab, he could still train with Leo, and he could still be near his father. They hadn't lost a brother, and their father hadn't lost a son. Everything was going to be alright, and Don knew he didn't have to blame himself anymore... Because Raph didn't blame him for a thing.