EDIT: At one point, J*ey R*an was on my list, but after recent info, I have taken him off. I would also like to mention that he is included in the video, but I didn't make it (I'm not a drag queen, sadly). The video gives context for why I wrote this chapter, so I'm leaving it up. But this is just a warning that he is mentioned in it.

I recently watched some drag queens name their top 5 hottest wrestlers, and I was like "ooh, that sounds fun," so here I am lmao

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

I kinda want to do a "top 5" series in this book, so tell me in the comments what other top 5s you want me to write about.

Before I begin, let's do a few honorable mentions.  They're attractive, but they just didn't make the list.

Johnny Gargano

I mean...

Here's the thing.  Johnny is my favorite wrestler of all time.  Y'all know this.  But when it comes to looks, I think one of two things when I see pictures of him: "aw, he's so adorable" or "whoa, when did he get so hot?"

He takes a lot of not-so-serious pictures + lots with Candice, and those are the ones where he's adorable.  He's just a cool guy who likes to have fun.

But sometimes, the NXT Instagram will randomly post some intense picture of Johnny from a random live event or something, and I'm just like "dang..."

And then, the episode of NXT where he finally returned after Tommaso Ciampa turned on him, he was looking VERY good.  I used a picture of him from then for my icon on here.

John Morrison

Man, this guy has like 20 different ring names, I didn't know which to pick, so I just went with his WWE name lmao

I don't really think about him much because he's currently in promotions that I don't watch, but then I'll see him in an old PPV or something, and I'm like "damn, why did no one make him WWE Champion?"

Not only is he insanely attractive, but he's a really good wrestler, too.  So, like, he should've been WWE Champion.  That's all I'm saying.

He's one of those guys that I don't have to tell you that he's attractive, you just know by looking at him.

EC3

Until he returned to NXT, I hadn't seen EC3 since he was Derrick Bateman.  And wow, has he had a glow up.

Ever since he came back, I've been tempted to write a book about him solely because I like looking at him.

He's like John Morrison; I don't have to tell you he's attractive, you just know.

So, with that said, let me tell you about my favorite segment with Derrick Bateman.

It was old NXT; Daniel Bryan was his pro.

They're doing some sort of "Do you know your pros?" game, where they have to answer questions about their pros. (Or maybe it's the other way around? I can't remember)

Anyway, most of the teams are doing either really bad, or they've gotten maybe one question right.

Then you've got Daniel + Derrick, who have gotten pretty much every question right.  And some of them have really weird answers.

I don't remember the question, but Derrick/EC3 says "Steve Blackman", which is right, and someone else (a pro, I think) just yells "that's not even a real person!"

This was when I first started watching wrestling, so I didn't know most of the older guys yet, so I fully believed Steve Blackman was some guy they made up until later lmao

Ricochet

I like to call Ricochet's type of attractive Hot Dad.

Like, if I just saw him out and about, wearing normal clothes (as opposed to his gear), I'd think, "he's a dad." Even if he had no kids with him, I'd just assume they were somewhere else.

I know this makes no sense, but some people just look like dads.  I have no idea if Bobby Lashley has any kids, but he looks like he does.  He looks like someone calls him Dad.

(I almost typed "Daddy", then I went "ooh, better not")

Anyway, he's insanely attractive, and you're blind if you don't think so, too.

Cedric Alexander

I also get Dad Vibes from Cedric, but I also get "wow you're so hot" vibes too.

Sometimes I forget Cedric is a really good wrestler, and I stop and think "wait, do I like you because you're hot?" Then he does the Lumbar Check, and I'm like, "no, I like you because you do moves like that."

He's just got a very nice face, and he's one of the Thicc Cruiserweights.

Zack Sabre Jr.

Zack is the only indy guy on this list.

He's mentioned in the video above.  I honestly forget ZSJ exists until someone mentions him, and then I'm like "oh yeah, you're alive." And then they showed his picture, and I was like "oh dang, you are hot."

I feel like I should clarify; I don't assume he's dead.  I just forget about him.

Anyway, ZSJ is very nice to look at.

***

Okay, now that we've got the honorable mentions out of the way, here are my Top 5 Hottest Wrestlers.

5: Mustafa Ali

I've talked about Mustafa being attractive in my Good Vibes book over on johnnygargano but dang, he's attractive.

And he's somehow more attractive now that he wrestles without a shirt.

Like, I was a fan of the Power Ranger Look, but I'm also a fan of the Shirtless Look.

And then he looks very good with his hair pulled back. (Almost all long-haired wrestlers look good with their hair pulled back; it's a fact.  I'm looking at you, Seth Rollins)

And he has such a soft-looking face.  I don't mean it's probably soft if you rubbed your hand across it, but that he has such soft features.  And it might be all the kindness and goodness in his body, making him look angelic.

(Hey, dumb question for any Muslim followers: do you guys believe in angels?  And if you do, do you call them angels?  I just thought of this, because I always think of Mustafa Ali as an angel on earth, but I'm wondering if there's a more appropriate thing to say)

I just wanna give him a hug.

4: ADAM COLE BAYBAY

With his hair down, Adam Cole looks mean (yet attractive).

With his hair up, he looks like someone you would bring home to meet your mom.

Either way, I am amazed by how well God did making him.

And then his smile does things to my heart.  Like, how did someone like him get to be so perfect??

3: Xavier Woods

Once he was mentioned in that video, I just got so happy.  I've always thought he was super attractive, but the fact that someone else agrees with me was nice.

This was the best picture of him I found. He looks so cute omg

He has a nice face.  I prefer it with facial hair, but clean shaven is fine, too.

And then THOSE ARMS.  HE COULD CHOKE ME WITH THOSE.

(waIT THAT SOUNDED SEXUAL OMG SORRY; I just meant that he could... you know what? I'm not even gonna try)

He's so so underrated both in the ring and in looks.  I just... I love him.  So much.

2: Andrade "Cien" Almas

I know he's just "Andrade" now, but I will continue adding the "Cien" Almas because it will always be a part of his name.

With that said... he's so good-looking omg

Almas is most definitely someone I became a fan of because he was hot.

I remember him debuting in NXT, and seeing him for the first time, and thinking "I hope he's a good wrestler because he's hot and I already love him."

And, thankfully, he's insanely good in the ring.

He wrestled under a mask in Mexico, and I just... I get it's tradition and everything, but why would you put such a nice face under a mask??

HE'S SO PRETTY

1: Finn Balor

If you don't think Finn Balor is the hottest man in WWE, you're lying.  I'm sorry, but it's true.

You know that thing he does when he comes to the ring?

This thing?

He wouldn't be doing that if he wasn't trying to flaunt it, if he wasn't trying to show you how damn beautiful he is.

I've recently been slowly getting my mom into wrestling.  We're at this point where she instantly recognizes some people by name, but other people take some explaining.

Example: she knows Asuka by name, but I have to explain that Becky Lynch is the one with the orange hair.

Anyway, I was trying to explain to her who Finn Balor was (for some reason).  I started off with "he does the arm thing!" and demonstrated, but that just confused her more lmao.  Then I said, "he's the really attractive one, who dressed like a demon once," and THAT'S when it clicked with her lmao

Even my mom knows Finn Balor is hot.

I can get if someone else is number one for you, but if Finn isn't top 5 for you, you're either 1) lying or 2) not straight/into guys.

HE'S SO PRETTY OMG

***

And that ends this list of rambling and nonsensical bullshit.

With that said, I will totally make the same list but with female wrestlers, if y'all want me to (so I don't come across as sexist lol)

Also, please please leave me other things to make top 5s of (matches, wrestlers, whatever, even non-wrestling stuff, if you desire).