You know the worst thing about birthdays?

Your mum giving stories about giving birth.

She's promised that, like the last few years, she'll be making 'heeeaveee' and pushing noises, then abrupt 'waaaaaaaa's.

That's normal, but she found a new tale to tell me.

So, she thought she had piles (if you don't know what that is you're lucky).

But she put off looking at it because she didn't want to have piles, y'know?

But on a work trip she found a mirror and went 'hey, what the hell'

Well, I was a late born baby

And, to quote her, my 'head was so big it ripped my vàgina in half'

And what she thought was piles was just the stitching

I will legit never be the same