To be clear from the beginning, this is not (completely) a rant.

So a day ago I have learned that I failed my first year of the Masters program and I was wrecked. I have never in my life failed when it comes to studies. I have succeeded in all academic years from primary school till university.

From its beginning, this year has been a rough one. It was the year I was most attached to wattpad and made awesome friends (they know who they are). It was the year I started writing my own original book and the year I read most in.

I don't know what happened but from the beginning, I wasn't taking it seriously. Although the teacher told us that only 10-20% of the work will be done in class, I didn't care enough and didn't study serious at home. I couldn't focus. My attention span is ridiculous. You now see me reading this the first page of a book and the next you find me looking up songs or covers in YouTube. I don't know, I couldn't prevent myself.
I half blame myself and half blame the world.

I blame myself because I always ended up on wattpad or youtube. And I blame the world for soo many reasons:

* The university library is a dating platform! Seriously, you can't find a spot without a couple rambling, eating or being too intimate with each other. I remember once last year me and my squad were looking for a classroom to have lunch ( if that's bizarre, deal with it, that's the way in my country). So as is the case every week, we find many classrooms with only a couple in them( and God knows what they are doing in there, usually behind the door!). So we decided to ignore them and walk in to have our lunch. The bitch ( I'm talking about the boy here) who is freaking ugly and not even attractive at all dared to call us out and sais that we're the ones who should be ashamed because we walked in on him and "his girlfriend". I don't know how to express it better but this fucker basically called us bitches for walking in his bedroom when he wad with his bitch. That's a completely different story, I know, but it's still vivid in my mind.

Yeah go ahead and have sex with your bitch in thr classroom, God forbids we have interrupt you to have our lunch.

There is within the uni library a space specific to the masters program students, but it's so annoying when people don't respect the rules ( they bring they laptops to work and instead, log in Facebook. Don't let me start on the sound of the click on the mouse, it fucks my mind)

* Transport in my country is a son of a bitch. So the bus I take to get to uni is 10 minutes away from my house ( walking) and it annoys me everytime when I'm still walking and the bus passes by and quickly runs away. Or when the bus is not that crowded but the driver decides not to stop because there is another one behind coming soon. Let's forget about this. Even if I'm in the bus station early, the bus has to come late. I have to at least wait for 20 minutes in the hit boiling sun. AND THERE ARE NOT EVEN SOMEWHERE TO SIT AT.

It's so hilarious, the population in my country likes to destroy public shit and steal useless stuff that they won't use anywhere else.

Thank God that my teachers are all sweet and accept us even if we're late. I swear my friend always missed classes because of the bus ( and she failed this year too).

* The program itself is too fucking detailed and boring.
My major is English Linguistics and it's fucked up. Man, why do I have to learn about how babies start to pronounce lettere and blabber, why should I learn about the phonemes and the semantics and syntax. Why do I have to read shitty long black books with tiny articles.
Also why do the teachers have to bitch around about the grades?

If anyone knows Tunisia, we are known for two things: our hardwork and our difficult grading system. Teachers here don't like giving 20/20 (that's basically A+ , we use the numbers system). Even when a student wrote a wonderful essay, no, why make him feel proud?
Wreck the asshole and let him feel bad about himself, let him feel unmotivated, and think twice next time when writing something like this!!

All I'm saying is that there is no motivation. Even finding a job after studies is kind of impossible. To have a decent one, we have to study at least 4 other years ( and we're now 23).

The important bit is that I failed,  whereas all of my close friends have made it. I sure as hell was happy for them and all. Yet I am in shock, in deep shock. I never thought I'd fail one day, not to sound cocky but you know what I mean. They all have moved forward and I am still in the same place and I'll have to go through the same shit again next year. I feel so numb and putting the blame on myself will destroy me.

But there is one quote that relaxed me and it goes like this:
You can't get a rainbow without the rain (do you get where that is from?)
In other words,  there's no success without failure.  Those hindering steps we go through are there to make us stronger human beings and they are there not to wreck us but to help us move forward.

I just wanted this out, I hope this wound heals fast and I can get back next year fully armed and ready to fight again.

Peace out. ♥