TW: swearing and mild mention of self harm.

Buckle up this is gonna go on for a while.
First and foremost- family. My mum and dad have been going through a divorce, and even in different houses they find new and exciting ways to argue and worsen my anxiety. especially my dad, because i'm lazy, i look miserable all the time, just LOOKING at me depresses him, and why can't i be grateful and sympathetic? Has he ever thought ONCE to actually ASK why i look so sad? Has he taken into consideration MY feelings? No! He hasn't! And I get it, he's ill, he's just had an operation, but i am doing almost everything in the house! I am helping as much as i can every day without one complaint, and yet nothing I do is ever good enough for him! I have had fucking enough! , with everything i've been blaming on myself, but you know what? I am done. I am completely done with all this bullshit. I have cut myself, i have punched walls, i have made myself feel completely worthless and a waste of space. And that has done fuck all for me. i realised that that is not a healthy mindset, and i'm going to be kind to myself for a change. I'm going to get better, because fuck you anxiety! Guess what! You don't get to win this time! i am not lazy, and i am trying my best, and if dad doesn't think it's good enough? He can go to hell, just like he tells me to at least once a week. Fuck him.

Second thing: relationships, both platonic and romantic. I accidentally broke up with both my boyfriend and my girlfriend during a panic attack yesterday, because I felt I didn't deserve them. And to be honest, I don't. it turned out my girlfriend wasn't poly, but that's fine. Because no matter what my insecurities tell me, she still loves me a whole damn lot as a friend, and that's pretty fucking awesome, y'know? I still want to be there for her platonically, because she's a great person, and she deserves the best in everything she does. As for my boyfriend? Well I royally screwed up there. I miss him. A lot. And i want him back. I know i hurt him, but even so i want to run to him and tell him i was stupid, that it was mistake, i didn't mean it, and i hate myself for doing it. But i'm scared, i'm really, really scared, and there's nothing i can do to change that. So maybe i'll talk to him. Maybe we can be together again. Maybe these maybes will turn into definitelys , and i'll have the courage to be who i want to be and to do what i want to do in life. But right now, i need to work on myself. I need to learn to stand up for myself, to stand up to myself, to improve myself as a person, a friend, and a potential significant other, so i can say you know what? i AM worth it. So that I can be proud, and actually like myself for once. Maybe then things will finally get better. And that's the end of my rant. And if you did read this, i'm truly sorry for you having to read through my bad sentence structure and grammar. I'm just a bit annoyed and sad right now.