Why?

Just...why?

I can't even....

How do I live in this world?

Why do I have to live with these...these...HORRIBLE people every freaking week?!

Bullying, not belonging....  I've already gone over that.

But....

...

I have a vicious circle.

I don't care what people call me.  It "doesn't" affect me.

But...my body says otherwise.

Say, for example, someone calls me a b****.

Ok, so?  Outside, it seems I don't care.  And I don't.

But my ears heard the words.

For 7 years, I took things people called me personally.

I'VE change, but my body hasn't.

My ears tell my brain what I heard, and I'm like "Well, whatever."

However, my ears tell my body as well, and my body takes offense and goes into upset mode.

I'm only just a little upset, but then I get more upset over the fact that I got upset at something stupid.

And to top THAT off, my brain LITERALLY fights itself.

"Stop getting upset.  It's nothing."  Says my logical left brain.

"But they were mean and I don't belong anyways.  I don't fit in anywhere!"  Says my creative right brain.

"There is going to be a place you fit in."

"BUT WHEN?!  WHEN CAN I GET OUT OF THIS HELL HOLE CALLED HIGH SCHOOL?!"

"It's not a hell hole.  You have friends that care for you.  Go to them."

"Over this?!  No, I'll lose them!  I'll annoy them away, and then I'll have no one!  I don't belong anyway!  Honestly, this world wouldn't give a frick if I was gone...."

"...That's not true.  You're good at lots of things and you help people no matter what!"

"BUT AT WHAT COST?!  I JUST END UP GETTING HURT IN THE END!  Why?  Where do I belong?!  Tell me!"

"You belong because of you didn't, you wouldn't have been born."

"Then God made a mistake....  *sniffle*"

"Don't you dare start crying.  You don't need the attention drawn to you all the time."

"But I just want someone to care...to help...."

"..."

"That's what I thought.  My friends could help me, but over something this ridiculous?!"

"True friends wouldn't leave you no matter what."

"And true friends don't annoy their friends to death with stupid problems.  There's no way out.  I have to deal with this crap for 2 1/2 more years.  I can't."

"Stop being ridiculous.  Use your creativity to do something fun."

"What the frick could I do that would help?!  They freaking called me a b****!"

"That doesn't matter!  ..."

And again.

And again.

And again.